My Youth Romantic Comedy Is Wrong As Expected

"Hachiman, how many years has it been since you last spoke to a girl?"

Then, Yukinoshita threw out another completely unrelated question, disrupting my thoughts.

That woman is so rude.

I am very confident in my memory. Even conversations that everyone else has long forgotten, I can still remember perfectly. My female classmates even think I am a stalker because of this.

According to my excellent hippocampus, the last time I spoke with a girl was two years ago in June.

Girl: "Um, don't you feel hot?"

Me: "It's incredibly hot and humid."

Girl: "Huh? Yes, yes, that's right."

<End>

That's roughly what happened. And actually, she wasn't asking me, but rather another girl sitting diagonally behind me.

The more unpleasant something is, the clearer people remember it. Whenever I think of this incident at night, I have an urge to crawl under the covers and scream at the top of my lungs.

Just as I was immersed in my terrifying memories, Yukinoshita loudly proclaimed:

"The wealthy give to the poor with a compassionate heart; this is what we call public welfare. It includes providing aid to developing countries, feeding the homeless, and helping men who are not popular with women to talk to women—extending a helping hand to those in need. This is the content of our club's activities."

Before I knew it, Yukinoshita had stood up, naturally assuming a position looking down at me from above.

"Welcome to the Service Society. We're glad you joined."

Yukino said something to my face that didn't sound very welcoming, which made me want to cry.

Moreover, I was already feeling down when she added insult to injury.

"Master Hiratsuka once said that excellent people have an obligation to help the poor. Since you have been entrusted to me, I will take full responsibility. I will cure your problems, so thank me."

Was she trying to express the meaning of "Noblesse oblige" (a Japanese expression meaning "high position carries heavy responsibilities"). In Japanese, it likely refers to the burdens and responsibilities that nobles bear. Indeed, Yukino's crossed-hands posture is very much like that of a noblewoman. In fact, judging from her achievements and appearance, it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say she is a noblewoman.

"You woman..."

But there are some things I have to make clear to her. Even if I have to talk myself hoarse, I have to tell her that I don't need pity.

"...It sounds strange to me, but I'm actually quite outstanding! In the school's mock exam for humanities subjects, I ranked third in the entire grade for Chinese! I'm also pretty good-looking! Aside from not having any friends or a girlfriend, I'm basically an exceptional person!"

"That last question was fatal... How could you answer it with such confidence? Amazing... You're such a weirdo, it makes me feel really uncomfortable."

"Stop nagging, I don't want to listen to your lectures, you weird woman."

This woman is really strange, at least to the one I heard—no, I don't remember anyone mentioning this to me, it should be said that she is actually very different from the image of Yukino Yukinoshita who "drifted into my ear on her own."

However, she was still considered an ice queen. And right now, she was wearing a cold smile. To put it more bluntly, it was a "cruel smile."

"Hmm... In my opinion, it's your decadent personality and twisted sensibility that make you always all alone."

Yukinoshita clenched her fists and spoke eloquently.

"First of all, we'll arrange a place for you to stay since you can't stay anywhere else. You should understand, right? As long as you have a place to stay, you won't have to turn into a shooting star and tragically burn out."

"This is 'Night Hawk Star'? That's too niche."

If I weren't a genius like myself, ranking third in the Chinese literature exam and possessing literary talent, I definitely wouldn't have understood it. And because I really liked this story, I remember it very clearly. The fact that the nightjar wasn't popular was truly heartbreaking.

Upon hearing my rebuttal, Yukinoshita opened her eyes wide and replied:

"...It's really unexpected that someone with an academic level below that of a typical high school boy would read Kenji Miyazawa's works."

"Are you putting me down?"

"I'm sorry, I exaggerated. Actually, your level is not even comparable to that of an average high school boy."

"You still think you praised me too much? Didn't you hear that I ranked third in the whole grade for Chinese?"

"Being complacent after getting third place shows how incompetent you are. Trying to prove your intelligence based on just one subject is simply ignorant."

There's a limit to rudeness. Aside from a certain Saiyan prince, I can't think of anyone else who would belittle a guy they've just met.

"However, 'Night Hawk Star' suits you well, for example, its appearance."

Are you trying to say I'm ugly...?

"I can't say that, because the truth can be very hurtful sometimes..."

"That's the same as saying it out loud!"

At that moment, Xue Zhixia patted my shoulder with a serious expression.

"You can't run away from the truth. Look in the mirror and face reality."

"No, no, no, I'm not trying to brag, but I'm not bad looking at all. Even my sister says, 'If only my brother were quiet, that would be nice.' You could even say that I'm only good-looking."

As expected of my sister, she has excellent taste. On the other hand, the girls at this school are all so clueless.

Upon hearing this, Yukinoshita clutched her temples as if she had a headache.

"Are you stupid? 'Beauty' is a subjective feeling. So in this classroom where it's just the two of us, only what I say is correct."

"What kind of nonsense is this? But it somehow makes sense..."

"Anyway, regardless of your appearance, as long as you keep sporting those dead fish eyes, you won't give people a good impression. The problem isn't your facial features, but rather your rather ugly expression, which also indicates that your personality is quite twisted." While Yukinoshita may be cute in appearance, her inner thoughts are quite different. Her eyes are completely like a criminal's; I don't think either of us is cute at all.

...By the way, do my eyes really look that much like a fish's?

If I were a girl, I would probably interpret this positively as, "Huh? Do I look like the Little Mermaid?"

As I was escaping reality like this, Yukinoshita brushed a strand of hair from her shoulder and said, as if boasting of a victory:

"I don't appreciate your confidence based on superficial things like grades and looks, and those dead fish eyes of yours."

"Don't mention eyes again!"

"That's true, it's hopeless anyway."

"Shouldn't you apologize to my parents?"

I realized my expression was conflicted. Yukinoshita seemed to have reflected on her actions as well, her expression turning somber.

"Indeed, I went too far. Your father and mother are the ones who are suffering the most."

"That's enough, it's my fault. No, it's my appearance that's bad."

I pleaded with tears in my eyes before Yukino finally stopped talking.

I realized that saying anything more was useless, so I could only imagine myself meditating under the Bodhi tree, seeking liberation. At that moment, Yukinoshita spoke again:

"Okay, that concludes the dialogue simulation exercise. If you can talk to a girl like me, you should have no problem talking to other people too."

She gently stroked her hair with her right hand, her face filled with a sense of accomplishment, and then smiled brightly.

"In this way, you can carry the beautiful memories and live on strongly on your own."

"Your solution is rather unusual..."

"However, this doesn't fulfill the teacher's request... There are more fundamental issues to resolve... such as how about you apply for a leave of absence?"

"That's not solving the problem, it's just a temporary ostrich mentality."

"Oh dear, you know you're an ostrich, huh?"

"Yeah, only our own kind would know. You're so annoying!"

"……poor."

I finally managed to turn the tables on her, a smug smile spreading across my face, while Yukino glared at me with a "what are you doing alive?" look. Seriously, that look is really scary.

The next second, the room fell into an ear-piercing silence. Perhaps it was because Yukino's attacks were so unrestrained that my ears were practically burning.

Suddenly, the classroom door was pulled open with a loud bang.

"I'm coming in, Yukinoshita."

"Please remember to knock..."

"Sorry, sorry. You guys continue, don't mind me. I just came to check on things."

Yukino sighed helplessly, while Hiratsuka-sensei smiled at her leisurely, then leaned against the wall and looked back and forth between Yukino and me.

"You two get along well, that's great."

Where did she get this conclusion?

"Hachiman, just keep trying to change your awkward personality and deadpan eyes. Now, I'm going back. Remember to leave before school ends."

"Please, please wait a moment!"

I grabbed the teacher's hand to try and keep her there, but...

"Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! I surrender! I surrender!"

The teacher twisted my arm, and I shouted "I surrender!" before she finally let go.

"It's Hachiman. Don't just stand behind me like that, I might just take action."

"Are you Golgo? And Golgo might accidentally attack, so don't do it carelessly!" (From the manga "Golgo 13").

"You're such a hassle... Okay, so what is it?"

"That's what I wanted to ask you... What do you mean by telling me to change? You're making me sound like a juvenile delinquent. What am I even doing here?"

"Hmm~~"

After listening to my question, Hiratsuka-sensei rested her chin on her hand and looked thoughtful.

"Didn't Yukinoshita explain it to you? This club mainly helps students change themselves and resolve their inner troubles. I'll bring students I think need to change here. You can think of this as a 'spiritual time chamber,' or would it be easier to understand if you compared it to 'Revolutionary Girl Utena'?"

"That would be even harder to understand, and it would also reveal the teacher's age..."

"What did you say?"

"...I didn't say anything."

I received a cold look from the teacher, so I could only shrug my shoulders and reply softly. Seeing me like this, the teacher sighed and said:

"It seems things aren't going too well for you, Yukinoshita."

"Because he doesn't understand where his problem lies."

Yukino calmly responded to the teacher's helplessness.

...What's with this feeling that makes you want to stay here? It's like when I was in sixth grade, my parents found out I was hiding pornographic books and gave me a good talking-to.

No, that's not the point.

"Um... from the very beginning, you guys have been telling me to change my habits and participate in some kind of girl revolution, but I personally have no such intention..."

After I finished speaking, Hiratsuka-sensei tilted her head slightly.

"What?"

"...What nonsense are you talking about? If you don't change, it will be very difficult for you to establish yourself in society in the future."

Yukinoshita appeared quite serious, as if she were expounding on ideas such as anti-war and anti-nuclear weapons.

"From an outsider's perspective, your social skills are far behind others. Don't you want to change? Or do you have absolutely no ambition?"

"That's not it... I just don't want others to decide for me whether I should change 'myself'. A person shouldn't change 'themselves' just because of a few words from others! The so-called 'self' should be..."

"You just can't see yourself objectively."

I was about to quote Descartes, but Yukinoshita abruptly interrupted me. That quote is quite profound…

"You're just running away, but people can't move forward without changing."

Yukinoshita dismissed me without hesitation. Why is this girl so sarcastic from the very beginning? Is she born from a sea urchin?

"Was it wrong to run away? You only ever say the same 101 things, constantly telling me to change. I ask you, would you tell the sunset to start heading east from today just because it's too bright?"

"That's sophistry, please don't go off-topic. Besides, the sun doesn't move, it's the earth that rotates. Don't you even know about the heliocentric theory?"

"Of course I was just giving an example! If I'm being sophistical, then you're being sophistical too! Isn't the change you're talking about just an escape from the current situation? Then who's really running away? True non-running means not changing, but facing it directly! Why are you unwilling to affirm your current and past self?"

"...That won't solve the problem, nor will it save anyone."

Can't save anyone?

As Yukinoshita finished speaking, a startling expression of anger appeared on her face, making me involuntarily shrink back and almost apologize to her: "Yes, yes, I'm so sorry!"

However, "saving people" is not a word that a high school student would use, and I can't understand what made her so obsessed with it.

"You two calm down."