[Shenya] Aphasia

Allen never celebrated his birthday very much.

He doesn't even think of it as a very special date for him - as a child before family accidents, it is usually a day of church attendance, family gatherings and shopping sprees with parents, few relatives Will be concerned that it is the birthday of a minor kid in the family; after being single, all friends spend Christmas with their families on this day, and all Allen can receive is just a few apologies and a birthday Happy calling.Fortunately, although he envied other people's extravagant birthday parties, he never regarded being born on Christmas as an unlucky thing.

Of course there is no birthday cake.Because there is a Christmas dinner to feast on, and his parents will always secretly stuff gifts for him after he is busy at night, the sense of loss is diluted by the joy of the festival, and he will gradually not take it too seriously when he grows up.

"When I signed the boarding agreement, I read the passport." Facing the confusion of the young man, Kanda cast aside his eyes and said, as if he hadn't recovered from the birthday wishes he had exhausted all his courage to send.The guy in front of him was sitting on the ground, his left foot was wearing a boot he gave him, the other was still in his hand, and his right foot was only wearing a woolen sock. The warm candlelight flickered to illuminate his eyes, like two clusters of boots. The flames flickering in the rainy night made him look a little charming and silly.

"Why, don't the British eat this on their birthday?" After a long time without a response, Kanda almost doubted his life.

Unexpectedly, Allen burst out laughing: "Sorry, I'm just a little...uh...surprised." He straightened his expression, looked at the other party seriously, "Thank you."

Kanda relaxed his expression, but still looked impatient: "Anyway, remember to eat this. I'm going to take a shower, I'm very tired."

Allen turned on the balcony light to look at the cake carefully, then took the plate and put it on the ground, and took a photo with his mobile phone.Strawberries, apples, and dragon fruit slices were neatly stacked on the cake, and almonds and chocolate chips were scattered around. Allen stretched out his fingers and dipped a little cranberry sauce on the Happy Birthday in his mouth. It tasted cold and sweet. .

When Kanda came out with wet hair wrapped, he had already cleaned up, pointing to a small plate of cake left on the table: "You celebrate my birthday for me, why don't you eat any of it?"

Kanda frowned and snorted, "Got it." He was about to go upstairs to change, but he was grabbed by the corner of his clothes.

"Hey, what happened before," Allen lowered his head, "I'm too sensitive, and I'm all over the place."

"Both father and mother were wonderful people."

Kanda raised an eyebrow.He had already guessed it, but he didn't expose it, waiting for the other party to continue.

Allen was lying on the window sill with a can of beer in his hand, looking at the scattered lights in the distance.When you smack your lips, the sweetness of the cream still remains, which makes you feel very satisfied.

"I still remember that one Christmas, they took me to the Albert Square fair, where there were a variety of promotional gifts. I took the sugar figurine bought by my mother, sat on my father's shoulders, and smiled very happily. Later, I bought There are many things, including toy soldier clocks, music boxes, baseball caps... and a toy piano. I have never learned this thing. My father, who knows a little bit, took my fingers and taught me to write, except for the rest of us. Unreadable scores, creating lullabies with simple to childish melodies."

Kanda turned his head to look at Allen's eyes, the boy was looking up at the night sky, the lights of the Christmas tree reflected in those eyes changing colors, bright and clear.He told them like any kid recalling yesterday's sweet dreams, and as if talking to himself, with a smile on his lips.

"Although I never had a birthday for me, they always put gifts quietly on my pillow at night after I fell asleep. One year I dropped a plate on the table at the Christmas dinner and said that I wanted to eat birthday cake, and I was severely beaten. I was reprimanded severely. That night I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep, when I heard the sound of wrapping paper, my mother said sorry in my ear, and as soon as they left, I cried."

"At that time I thought that's what birthdays are," he said.

Kanda twitched his lips and refused to comment.

"When the accident happened... I was in class, and my mother ran to the school alone, saying that she would pick me up, and she hugged me at the school gate and cried, saying that she and Dad might not be able to live together, and Dad had a good relationship with a man After the relationship broke up, a man who she admired her when she was young came to her, and she left with him in a fit of anger. She changed all the contact information, and no one knew where she went. Only then did I understand that the relationship between parents The crack turned out to be so deep."

Allen drank the beer in his hand in one gulp, bent down and opened another can.

"Do you know how lucky I am to grow up in this land of England? I heard that in other places, homosexuality is regarded as a heterogeneity, everyone screams and beats, or is pursued by the crowd... But here is not so ideal, you still have to hide Hide and hide like you made a mistake."

"When I found out that I was different from others, it was my turn to dry the bedding, and I accidentally saw... such a book that my roommate stuffed under the pillow." Allen stammered, wondering if he had been drinking. The reason, blushing, "I found that the naked girl in the picture can at most make me admire the beauty of the human body, while the man interacting with her... makes me have an unprecedented feeling of brain fever."

"I can understand his pain, but I can't forgive him for cheating on my mother for more than [-] years, so I cut off contact with him—this house, within a few days, I am the only one left."

Kanda experienced the symptoms of the guy drinking alcohol again.Ya went on and on about a lot of things, saying that he hated his father, but never wanted him to die.It is more realistic to say that since he can no longer bring them happiness, let them no longer regard themselves as part of their lives and seek their own happiness.He said he wanted to love tenaciously and live well.He turned his head to the other side and secretly wiped the corners of his eyes with the back of his hand.

"Cry out when you're uncomfortable," Kanda finally couldn't help it. Bean Sprouts, who was full of frustration and haze, made him very uncomfortable. "If you want, I can even take time to accompany you to see his tombstone."

Allen nodded, then shook his head desperately, buried his face in his arms, and let out a sob that he was trying to suppress.

That's enough.

Kanda thought, he was not the type to cry.It had been two months since the plane crash was reported in the news, and he hadn't told anyone about it because no one thought he needed to be upset.

So Kanda, who was about to go to bed, sat on the balcony with the drunk boy for a whole night. Allen sometimes hugged in a ball and remained silent, sometimes sipped a few beers or the honey water Kanda soaked, and sometimes scattered bits and pieces. Talk about a few past events that suddenly came to mind.The person who refused to reveal a word about his family background until the day before, used the strength of alcohol to explain everything about his family in one night.

When the faint morning light passed through the morning glow as thin as onion wings from the east, the snow turned a little bit smaller, and the singing of young people in the community rang out from the window.As if waking up, Allen suddenly pointed at them and asked, "Do you know what they are singing?"

Kanda is silent, he doesn't study literature, he has never even heard of those literary things.

Allen smiled slightly. He put half of his weight on the railing, rested his chin on the back of his hands, and followed each word.

"I stood there/I thought I should fall this time/But I was picked up by love/Taught a new song of life/The cup of bitter wine that God gave me at my baptism/I drank it willingly/Praise its virtue Sweet——/If you are by my side/Heaven and earth will follow your existence and change their names/This song/This flute/Yesterday made people love/Today there are still people who want to hear/The singing angel knows/Just because Every sound has your name..."

The singing gradually faded away in the early morning bells in Manda. When Allen turned around, he found that the faces of the people behind him were ashen.

Kanda clenched his fists: "It's okay, I'm going upstairs."

Allen watched him disappear at the stairs in a daze, swirled the last sip of honey water in the cup, and laughed softly while nestling on the sofa.

"It's really rare for Ayou to take the initiative to call me! Although it must not be a good thing...Ayou?"

At this time in London, the red-haired young man listened to the short busy tone on the phone inexplicably, and whispered that his friend was really awkward.

He put his phone aside and continued with his work.Not long after, the phone rang again as expected.

"Okay, it was my fault just now... what happened?"

"..."

"Hey, I still have a job." The rabbi complained jokingly, "It's not like you to think so carefully."

"...Forget it then." The other end of the phone answered sullenly, then hung up again.

Kanda Yu on the other end put down his phone, captured by an unprecedented anxiety.

It was as if there was a layer of bubbles in front of my eyes, and everything I saw was so hazy that it was unreal.He seemed to have fallen into a puddle of mud, with nowhere to support him. A hand stretched out from the mud. He held it, but he couldn't stop being pulled in, and couldn't let go.Kanda does not think he is a person with a strong heart. He also has the sense of loss that ordinary foreign students feel alone in a foreign country.He's not even a candid man, he's considered taciturn, judged to be proud, and if you could cut open his brain, you'd find that he'd processed every word he was going to say dozens of times there, so the last thing he said was probably There is only one word left.It all stems from restlessness, which we call overthinking.

Want to grab something.

Want to stabilize myself.

- want rock-like love.

This panic stopped abruptly when the knock on the door sounded, and Allen stood at the door with his hands hanging down.

"Dinner has an appointment with Tiqi and the others." He hesitated and glanced into Kanda's eyes, "Shall we come together?"

"No."

"Don't come down." Allen pursed his lips and muttered softly.However, Kanda listened to his ears and warned: "The rabbi reminded you not to associate with that group of people."

"The rabbi had a feud with them, but I don't understand how you generated hostility," Allen said angrily, "They are my friends."

They are friends, so what am I?Kanda almost blurted out.

They are not friends.Friends should be frank, helpful and obedient, and will not deliberately doubt and reform each other like they do.All the distance that is brought closer by life, but because of the fear of intimacy and respect, it seems to be born.

They have never been friends.

Kanda dissected himself like a soldier dismantling a gun, trying to find a way to fit his relationship with everything around him.However, he found that it was futile. Can you improve the accuracy and hit the bullseye by dialysis of the gun parts?not.

There is nothing to do but aim the bullseye and pull the trigger.

Pretending to be nonchalant, he stood up and looked around the house.If the solid wood sofa and coffee table are relatively new, the Victorian-style chandelier and curtains with heavy curtains look completely out of tune with other furniture. It seems that the old owner of the house has updated all the furniture, but only forgot these two.The walls had been painted clean and fresh on Christmas Eve. On the low table against the wall was a bag of potato chips the size of a bucket, and in the closet were various flavors of fruit wine.The entire first floor was cleaned as if the hostess was at home, only the balcony was cluttered with Christmas trees and scattered Christmas decorations under the trees.

- Poor taste, old furnishings, lazy cleaning, not a nice place to stay.

Kanda evaluated silently in his heart, while turning on the balcony light, he slowly picked up the small objects on the ground and threw them into the storage box.

The afterimage in his eyes may still be flickering with Christmas lights, but he won't turn them on again, just like he won't have that peaceful and perhaps secretive Christmas Eve this year.Milan Kundera explained that human time does not rotate circularly, but moves forward in a straight line. This is why human beings cannot be happy, because happiness is the desire for repetition.

Happiness is the desire for repetition.

The snow fell intermittently until the third day. The gate of the yard was covered with a thick layer, like a white blanket, blocking the road to the garage, and the maple trees along the street had bare branches.Snowy days are often when the temperature is the lowest. For the convenience of activities, Allen only wore a royal blue short down jacket of lambswool to sweep the snow at the door. Swaying, it suddenly gives people a gentle and lovely feeling.Kanda opened the door and came out with a steaming coffee cup in both hands, watched silently for a while, and threw him a scarf.

"Thank you." Allen smiled, but ran to a maple tree and squatted down, rolled up the scarf, took out a shivering sparrow from his arms, and carefully placed it inside.

Kanda looked at the guy's flushed cheeks without changing his expression, as if he knew very well that he would not give him a second scarf, and probably didn't even think he needed one at all.It's just that in the cold air, the scar on his face that runs through his left eye was extremely red and glaring.

"I was hit by falling rocks while passing by the construction site, leaving this mark. I don't know if it's luck or misfortune, haha."

Kanda found himself as used to Allen's downplaying the somewhat horrific scar as a "mark," just as he was used to watching him make a bird's nest out of a scarf.Habit is a terrible state of mind, it will make people unknowingly let go of their defenses.

Someone has to care about things he doesn't care about, right?

Allen smiled contentedly, and the hot breath he exhaled dissipated in the cold air.

Life changes quietly and invisible.

Kanda stood at the corner of the verandah, where there were several pots of lavender, drooping their leaves as if they were hibernating.He stared blankly at the potted plants, until the white-haired boy ran over with a broom and called his name, then he woke up like a dream, the coffee and his hands were already cold.

"It seems that Kanda Yu is not a person who can take good care of himself," Alian saw the people in the corridor breathing directly into the frozen palms, and smiled very proudly.He took off the woolen gloves from his hand, "Hey, take this, it's a return gift for you to come here to give the scarf."

"I don't need this kind of..." Kanda frowned, and before he finished speaking, the boy had already opened the door and entered the room.

And who is the special trip.

He cursed in his heart and clenched the gloves tightly, feeling a faint residual warmth.

After the festival, more and more people appeared on the streets, shops everywhere gradually resumed business, Manchester woke up again, and was injected with fresh vitality.Li Nali called at this time, announcing that Komyi's company in China had been taken over, and she was also trying to integrate into the operation.

"I sent you a velvet hat that I wove as a birthday present, and I will probably get it in a few days." She said happily, "There is also a box of Beijing-style pastries, you'd better share it with Kanda, so as not to be always Quarreling. It's too abnormal to live under the same roof and still have the same relationship."

"There's no quarrel." Allen glanced at Kanda in the living room and lowered his voice, "You won't believe me, it's been a long time since I quarreled."

The person in the living room handed him a slap, and Allen shrank his neck.

"How are you over there?"

A few low-pitched giggles came from the phone: "A good news or a bad news, which one to listen to first?"

"bad."

"The bad news is that due to my lack of management expertise, I can't stay in the company for a long time, otherwise the executives will question my ability and have opinions on my brother."

"Ah?" Allen felt regretful, "What should I do then?"

"The good news is," Li Nali ignored the other party's question and smiled mischievously, "I have made accommodations with my brother, and he agreed that I can resign and return to continue my life after this emergency period is over."

"That's great!" Allen exclaimed, "Does the rabbi know?"

"Tell him 10 minutes ago, maybe your phone will ring in 10 minutes... In fact, we have only been separated for two months, but it feels like we haven't seen each other for a long time."

When Allen heard the voice over there soften, the last sentence did not specify the subject, but the meaning was already very clear.

"I hope you are all well."

"It's not a simple wish for everything to be fine." Kanda flipped through the book in his hand and said calmly.

"So it's a decent enough wish." Allen ignored the other party's silence, happily chewing potato chips and sitting next to him.Kanda felt that he could vaguely smell the aroma of hazelnuts and milk soap, paused slightly, and moved to the other side.

Mood is a delicate thing.Kanda has smelled this faint sweet scent on the towel next to him, and the bathroom is filled with this smell because of the soap, but there is no moment when he needs to suppress those wild thoughts more than now , dodged quietly.It was just this slight movement that Allen noticed. He lowered his eyes and stared at his fingertips.

"Kanda still hates me, right?"

Kanda turned his head.

"I guess." Allen shrugged, "Kanda doesn't like my way of life, hates some of the friends I make, and has to be patient to clean up the troubles I bring... I would hate it if it was different."

"..."

"So non-interference in life, I have breached the contract from the very beginning," he suddenly raised his head, "so you can leave at any time, I will pay liquidated damages, if you want to help find another family, that's fine too. "

This guy started belittling himself again, and just for that alone, it was really annoying.Thinking so, Kanda dropped the book and stood up.

"You're right, you annoy me. Even now.

"Bean sprouts, you can try not to be so self-righteous, even if you change a little bit, I will be very grateful. This way I can save a few troubles and focus on my own affairs..."

Kanda took a deep breath, trying to adjust his emotions.

"First of all, if you have to say something that will annoy me, please shut up. It's common sense."

Allen watched him disappear down the stairs, feeling dizzy for a while.

-TBC.