[Shenya] Aphasia

Today is already bad, in order to avoid getting worse, we must maintain a good mood - the great philosopher rabbi often said so.

But it was too difficult, the relationship with Kanda was ups and downs, the ups and downs became worse day by day, and the downside became more and more acute.Where did I go wrong that made me do things that annoyed this roommate who lived with me day and night?In the new year, if possible, I would trade him for never making mitarai balls for me in exchange for this answer. - January 1

Allen has a well-known habit: keeping a diary.

It was infected by Li Nali. Although his notebook was clean and tidy, and never had any fancy stickers or colorful words, he was still laughed at by his friends.

"If I were you, I would rather post a hundred FB messages a day than write a single word."

The blond man sitting opposite the glass round table is putting ice cubes into his glass.He christened the cocktail the Carlisle Dawn, though no one knows if it refers to Carlisle, the capital of Cumbria, or the literary historian Thomas Carlisle.Or it doesn't matter, because this wine does have a dawn-cool taste even without ice, which instantly wakes up the brain.

"And, Walker, please forgive my guessing—you've had the last name Kanda in your diary every day since last Christmas. Is that right?"

"I want a dry Manhattan, Link."

"No," Link frowned, "You've already drank the seventh cup... The point is not this, but according to your drinking method, my cherries are almost eaten by you, how can I still do business?"

Allen spat out the cherry stick in his mouth and rolled his eyes.

"Put it down, it's your father's business, not yours. And you're going back to Germany before long, so why bother with the cherries here?"

The blond man lit a cigarette by himself and remained indifferent.

"Walker, I'm probably the same as that Kanda. I'm often surprised that there are people like you in the world."

"Oh?" Allen narrowed his eyes with great interest.

"You make me feel like two people. Standing in the sun, you are the brighter light, and in the dark, you are the darker shadow."

Link stared at Allen, but Allen stared at the wine in the glass.The Manhattan itself is not an old-fashioned cocktail that is easily accepted by the public, and the dry Manhattan is not.The color of this wine is attractive, like a flame trapped in the glass, the astringency of martini and bitters is almost unpalatable, but the sweetness after the bitterness makes the drinker unable to stop.Of course, people who love fruity liqueurs would not take the initiative to order this kind of thing, but Link handed over a dry Manhattan without saying a word, calling it "you should try this, to stimulate and adjust your mood".

"Have you ever said something similar to me before?"

"That's right," Link said calmly, "when you were crazy about Mana D. Campbell." It's just that you were a young boy who didn't drink alcohol at that time.he thinks.

"Are you doing the old trick again now?" Allen muttered in a low voice.

"It's you who repeat the old tricks. While he's back at school for the final exam, you'd better think about whether to get rid of the relationship, or... just settle down."

Allen swallowed the astringent liquid, moved his cheeks, and let out a choked sob from his throat: "What if I choose the wrong one?"

"Come find me," Link laughed softly, "I'll treat you to China Overlord drunk."

Allen was stunned, then leaned on the table and giggled: "I didn't expect such a rigid person like you to have a sense of humor."

Link looked down at him for a while, then turned around and called for a glass of pure water.

"Don't be distracted, Walker. You liked that guy Campbell like hell and didn't give it all away.

"If there is... that day, you will definitely need a cup of Overlord's Drunk."

Allen closed his eyes and ignored him.

Because that person is like a creditor, chasing after him and trying various methods to cut himself apart.Unable to resist, he had no choice but to obey.

Because of drinking that day?

——Finding such a clumsy excuse is like trying to shirk responsibility, and I can't even convince myself.Although Allen talked a lot, he was definitely not someone who couldn't keep his mouth shut.

"How can I do it better?"

He asked this when he was half hugged and half helped into the taxi by Link.

"That's your trouble, not mine." Link curled his lips gloatingly, and slammed the car door, "Love can only be based on feeling, but showing love depends on reason."

On the day the rabbi returned to Manchester, unfortunately, it rained heavily again.

"You seem to have changed somewhere." He looked carefully at the young man in front of him who was busy shaking the rain on his umbrella, and said while holding his chin.

Allen laughed: "How can I be different? Don't be poor."

The rabbi shook his head, unable to speak.

"Today is the weekend, isn't Ayou back?" He asked suddenly while sitting in the car.

"He took the final exam and came back after the winter vacation." Allen shrugged, "What can you do with him?"

"No, I just thought of it suddenly," the rabbi folded his hands behind his head with a smile, and posed in a stretched posture on the co-pilot, "Some people really hate rain, and I always let me chat on the phone when I'm alone in the rainy night." Late at night, or come directly to my house to occupy my bed."

Allen smiled and declined to comment.As a result of being too familiar with the rabbi's house, I subconsciously ran to his house on Christmas Eve and spent a miserable night in the corridor.

"So today, will he come?" The rabbi turned his head and looked into his eyes.

Allen glanced at the other party, tightened the scarf around his neck: "Yes."

Allen's residence is the property left by his parents. Compared with Mr. Rabbi's home, which is a bachelor, it seems a bit crowded.It's not because of poverty. This guy walks all year round. There are places for him to live in the British Isles, and Manchester is just one of them.

After taking out the toiletries, the young man kicked the suitcase into the corner, then stretched his waist and walked into the bathroom.Allen opened a certain bedroom that hadn't been used for three months, frowning and changed the sheets and quilts.When he took out the pillowcase from the closet, he saw the gorgeous peony flowers embroidered on it, and he knew it was Li Nali's work at a glance.

The fine rain washes against the floor-to-ceiling windows, and there are sporadic flickering lights in the rain curtains.Allen looked at it for a while, then drew the curtains.

"Actually, you don't like being alone. You have been afraid of being alone since you were a child. You are afraid of being alone. You always seem to live in someone else's world, but your personal world cannot be invaded by anyone, including your closest relatives. Man. You don't hate the rain, but when the weather is abnormal, your ridiculous romantic feelings come out, and Yu Kanda fills the gap, and continues to tear apart your personal world without knowing it. So You lost your balance and started calling for help, didn't you?"

Allen didn't answer.

"Are you waiting for her to come back?" The index finger stroked the delicate peony flowers on the pillow, and he felt as if he had touched the girl's delicate mind. This feeling was really subtle.

"Of course!" The rabbi suddenly became excited, counting with his fingers, "When she comes back, I will prepare a passionate confession for her! If she is willing, I will take her around Europe, and then in the most beautiful scenery in the world Have a wedding!"

Allen was amused, and then startled.

"When I learned that she was leaving, I felt that I had never encountered such a sad day since I was born. It was extremely sad." The rabbi smiled and said softly, "I didn't do anything, and I was about to lose my chance I did. Then I told myself, what is there to hide? If you don’t even have the courage to chase the one you love, you’ve lived for more than 20 years in vain.”

Allen clenched his fists: "How do you know that the other party won't hate you?"

"I don't know. But at least I figured out my weight, so that even if I lose that person, I won't suffer." The rabbi said seriously, then turned his head to look at Allen as if remembering something, "At least not He would rush in at a loss and be unable to get out of the whole body, only to realize that he was actually a substitute for another person.

"So how many times have I said, don't hang out with them anymore."

Allen shook his head, silently buried himself in the bedding.

In the teaching building of Manchester University, a light is still on persistently.

The old professor adjusted his glasses on his nose, and walked the cold coffee away from the front of the computer desk.

"Kanda, it's time to call it a day."

"En." The person in front of the computer responded without turning his head, but his fingers were still moving rapidly on the keyboard, and the lines of words and formulas on the screen were reflected in his pupils.

Professor Tiedore was very helpless. Among his two best students, Mali was the type of absolute obedience, so he persuaded him to go back to the dormitory early.Rather than assisting the professor to complete the project, this foreign student from Japan might as well use all the resources of the professor to construct his own world with all his heart.Therefore, if Ma Li still listened to his command a little bit, this person really didn't treat him as a mentor at all.

So the professor sighed and did a very quick and easy thing - unplug the power.

Appreciating the look on the other side's face about to flip the table and go crazy, he waved his hands innocently and smiled apologetically: "I said, it's time to call it a day. How about going for a drink?"

The professor has curly gray hair, a moustache and listless eyes behind glasses.He has a childlike heart, he is happy to see his students' embarrassment, but it hurts to let them go. He is a really kind person.

Kanda hesitated uncharacteristically, his mind was full of MSN chat records with the rabbi during the day.

"Ha, Yuu, but this is no secret among his friends."

"Have you seen Brother Campbell? The older brother Mana with slightly longer hair tied behind his head is the man Allen once loved."

"That man was the president of the music club when he was in middle school. He taught Allen how to play the piano and treated him as his own. That kid plunged into it, and no one was able to pull him out."

"At that time, I suspected that the two of them might be having an affair, but it turned out that Mana wanted to be nice to his rebellious twin brother, but unexpectedly found the shadow of that man in Allen. Allen knew Afterwards, I quietly left the club without saying anything.”

"Ayou, I know it's unfair to say this to you. Although I have already encouraged him very tactfully, if possible, don't let him try again. Oh, the train is going through a cave, let's meet and chat some other day!"

"Kanda still hates me, right?"

The boy's words lingered in his mind, like a thin rope tightly strangling his throat, his usual forced smile suddenly shattered, disappearing invisible like snowflakes.

"Hey, professor," he heard his own voice as if it came from the depths of his soul, "if there is a brand new project in front of you, you are not sure about the benefits it brings you, and you don't know how to complete it. method, and don't know how long it will take...how would you do it?"

"How important is it to you?" The old man asked absently while sorting out his documents.

Kanda froze.

"Although I don't know what kind of subject it is, the thing that made Kanda hesitate must be a risky investment that is related to the meaning of life. Do you have the consciousness to resist criticism for it? Did you invest in it at a great price? Is it determined?" The old professor turned his back to the lamp, soft light reflected in his cloudy eyes, "Do you have the confidence to realize its brilliance?"

"If it sparks your curiosity, if it ignites your desire for the unknown, if it's not enough to kill you... Kanda, people who try new things are rash and lonely, but I think young People still have to try bravely, because only the 'result' can tell you the value of everything you do."

He looked up and smiled.

"At that time, you will find that what method, time, gains and losses are all insignificant things."

Allen opened the diary and wrote a few sentences in a correct manner.

I want to be intimate with U.

And I'll strive. - January X

Qismonda dedicated the most steadfast kiss in his life to the heart of his lover in the golden cup, and drank the poisoned wine without any hesitation.King Solomon sang the beauty of the shepherdess, saying that love is the flame of the Lord, which cannot be drowned by great waters.Allen's eye sockets were a little moist, and he felt every cell in his body screaming in his ears: try again.

When asking Rhodes out, she almost didn't bother to think about it. The little girl was very proud of being invited by Allen for the first time, and she spent at least a morning dressing up.Allen had no intention of drinking this time, so he picked a seat by the window in Starbucks as usual, ordered coffee and dessert and waited quietly.

In fact, he didn't have to wait too long, the girl in a cake skirt and a wool cape who dressed herself up like an ice cream cone jumped into his sight.

Allen pushed the caramel cappuccino he ordered in front of her, and said bluntly, "Don't like me anymore."

The winter wind blew in through the gap of the ventilation window, making both of them shiver.The temperature has dropped several degrees recently, and Allen had expected such weather, so he hasn't taken off his coat since he entered the store.Rhodes didn't expect it, she hugged her arms tightly.

"When I saw Yu Kanda for the first time, I knew you would go far."

Stopping what the other party was about to say, Rhodes looked very calm, with a deep meaning in his smile: "Allen, you wear a fake gentleman's mask to everyone. Before you take off your mask in front of him."

Allen frowned: "I don't have this kind of mask."

"It's just that you don't know it," Rhodes sneered, "you smile at everyone, but you are only angry at him. Even after knowing each other for so many years, I never knew anything about your past—and you quarreled with him Judging from the situation, you already told him everything, right?"

Allen watched as the girl vigorously stirred the cappuccino latte, which created a thick layer of foam that almost overflowed the cup. The teaspoon rubbed against the bottom of the ceramic cup and made a sharp and piercing sound. It was clearly written in her eyes hatred.He suddenly felt as if he was really what she said, and he was defenseless against Kanda Yu because he was powerless.

It would have been better without him.

When he read such information from Rhode's eyes, he was taken aback.But in the next second, seeing her smile become as sweet as honey, he suspected that it was his own illusion.

"As long as you wish, I have nothing to say." Rhodes put down the coffee he didn't drink, stood up and prepared to leave, "Because I like you."

Salome is in love until death.She doesn't beg for any forgiveness, she just wants her long-cherished wish to be fulfilled.

The night wind is noisy today, and the naked eyes can see the black clouds around the moon in the night sky, but there is not a drop of rain.The windows of some houses nearby were not closed, and the curtains were pulled out, blowing into solitary sails in the wind.Allen's scarf was also blown around by the wind. He had to cover his neckline with both hands to prevent the cold wind from pouring into his neck, and then rushed home with the fastest pace.

It wasn't until he walked to the door and found the light coming from the window of the house that Allen suddenly remembered that today was the date for Kanda's return.

He took out the key to open the door, but it fell to the ground twice.When I tried to put the key in the lock for the third time, the door opened by itself.

With his back to the living room lamp, Kanda lost his facial expression. His long hair was casually draped, and a fluffy light edge was projected on the edge of the dark blue turtleneck sweater.Allen looked up at the shadow that was half a head taller than him, and suddenly felt oppressed.

"So early..."

Before he finished speaking, he was dragged into the house by a force, and the door was slammed shut.Allen rubbed his sore arm, a little annoyed: "What do you want to do?"

"Are you asking me?" Kanda sneered, "Should I poke my chest and ask myself, what are you doing with your cronies?"

Allen was startled, feeling inexplicably lost and confused, he roared: "What do you think I did?"

An open diary fell in front of him. He remembered writing two lines on it before leaving, and left the page open on the coffee table in the living room. He forgot to put it away in his haste.Now these two lines of words are in front of my eyes, each stroke is like a sharp edge burned in white paper, ironic, piercing my eyes sorely.

"Should you tell me who you went to find to be your intimatelover tonight?" Kanda was furious, like a jackal ready to prey, "Which one of those four people?"

Suddenly, Allen suddenly understood what he was misunderstanding.

"Wait a minute, that sentence..."

"This is your purpose," Kanda interrupted him coldly, "I overestimated you. I always thought that although Bean Sprouts were stupid, at least they would choose to associate with...clean partners."

After hearing the words spoken by the other party after three seconds of deliberation, Allen's eyes widened in disbelief, and he murmured in a hoarse voice: "So...how do you plan?"

"Can you let me explain a sentence? Just one sentence." Allen stared blankly at the diary on the ground, and the page was wrinkled by him, almost torn off from the book.He suddenly felt pain, just like the piece of paper, the pain of being crushed.

"The person who said that sentence is..."

When the words came to his lips, it was as if he had suddenly lost his vocal organs, and it was as if his throat was choked by fear and anxiety, and he couldn't say a word.

——Say that to someone who hates you, isn’t it a death sentence?

Allen thought, gritted his teeth and swallowed back the voices he had hesitated for a long time.

Seeing this, Kanda folded his arms with a sarcastic smile.

"You don't have to tell me who that is, that old man or that little girl, or your old lover, I'm not interested at all." He was suddenly furious and threw the water glass in his hand on the ground, and the glass shattered crisply. The crackling voice said in a calm voice, "I only know that instead of letting you be spoiled by those scum, I'd rather kill you now."

-TBC.