I'm still doing fine

The world is vast, the night wind is bleak, and there are tourists with nowhere to go under every changing neon light.

In the lighted window, a thin and thin mother waited for him to come back by making soup and cooking noodles, and a harsh market woman was full of doubts and waited for him to explain why she suddenly refused to get engaged when she was so good-looking?

She has been rejected by others too many times in her life, and now she is accused by her mother-in-law Sang and scolded Huai and said a lot of nasty things, but she doesn't feel that she has been humiliated.

Li Jian didn't want to go back, he had nowhere to go, his tall body was curled up in the car, as if nowhere in the colorful world could accommodate a frustrated body.

He hoped that no one would disturb him, and he looked forward to someone taking care of him. He looked at Si Jian who was suddenly approaching, as if falling into a dream. He even dared not move, fearing that if he accidentally made a movement, it would break the phantom created by the mirror.

"Ah..." Li Jian's eyes were filled with smoke, and he was in a daze for a long time. Finally, he was woken up by Si Jian's slap.

"Hey——" Si Jian didn't have time to stop him, he took his hand and looked closer, there was already a red and swollen bump on the generous palm, "What are you doing?!"

Si Jian was at a loss, but Li Jian was familiar with the road.

He smiled, and the non-smiling smile was more like a sarcasm, so small that Si Jian thought he was dazzled, "It's okay, new skin will grow out after a while."

"As for..." Si Jian was distressed, but he didn't dare to let Li Jian see it, so he looked at the front window and frowned, "Half of the 13 billion are women, who are you looking for? She is blind, you and he Why the hell are you so depressed?"

Li Jian kept silent by his ear, leaning back in the chair for a long time, "You are too young, you don't understand."

"You—" Si Jian took a deep breath, he was so angry that he forgot his many nights of sex, "I don't know what I don't know, just the troublesome things about love and love, how powerful it is like?"

"Love and love?" Li Jian repeated, looking over, "No, I don't believe that."

"Then you are so sad! You made me worry for nothing." Si Jian felt a pain in his heart, as if being pierced into the pericardium by a very thin needle point, but the needle point was probably too thin, making him think it was an illusion, " Go away and stay by yourself."

Si Jian started in a hurry, as if he was fleeing for his life. He put his hands on the door, but he was pulled back and reclined. He probably knocked on Li Jian's thigh, and his skull felt a dull pain, " you……"

He couldn't go on, he shuddered, and his hair almost stood on end.

A drop of warm, slightly salty water fell on the tip of Si Jian's nose, and slid along the nose wing into the hairline above the ear bone.

Li Jian, who was about to stand up that year, had red eyes, dilated nose, tears escaped from the roots of his eyelashes, falling drop by drop on Si Jian's face.

"It's been so many years... It turns out that I still haven't lived up to my personality, and I still have to be looked down upon by others!"

That unshaven face was hidden in the darkness, with sadness and unwillingness on it that even the light outside the window could not illuminate. Only Si Jian could completely collect the picture of that moment from the beginning to the end in the huge world.

Li Jian's arm, which was supporting the back of the front seat, had bulging veins, and his anger seemed so obscure that every word seemed to be ground between his teeth.

"My mother is just a son like me... just such a poor man who didn't study well, owed a lot of debts, and couldn't even pay his wife...my mother owed someone in her previous life, and today she will be pointed at by someone Scolding out? You're too young, you don't understand, it's nothing if a man can't hold his head up outside, but if even his mother is treated like this, it's a heart-wrenching pain? Do you understand? "

Li Jian was always willing to say anything, but in Si Jian's eyes, this person didn't seem to care about face.

But in fact, the opposite is true. Self-esteem and pride are the burdens that people are born with. Li Jian is no exception. He is just good at covering up the facts with half-truths and half-false words.

For example, the scar on the arch of his eyebrow was not scratched by busy urination at all, and the white Wrangler he bought was not at all out of his own preference, and even modestly calling him illiterate was just a joke.

Among so many nonsense, there is only one truth - his life is not good.

Li Jian was in his teens that year, and now he can't remember clearly. His father drove him back to his hometown to attend the wedding of his relative's daughter.

When the car drove out of the service area, the old man just ordered him to open a bag of fried melon seeds, "Find a bag to keep it, don't spill the garbage on the car."

Dad cherishes the car very much. A champagne-colored Volkswagen sedan has been bought for a year and a half, and it has been driven for nearly [-] kilometers. It has never been scratched.

It was a sunny day, the road was in good condition, and the father and son were talking and laughing... No one expected that there was a huge trap ahead, and a heavy truck loaded with goods was backing up before the fork at the exit of the expressway.

The moment Li Jian lowered his head and spat out a melon seed shell, a huge shadow loomed on the front window.

His father couldn't say a word, he slammed the steering wheel and drifted sideways into the bottom of the heavy truck, a scorched and smoking tire was the only trace of his powerless struggle.

Li Jian was knocked out by the impact of the airbag, and just a second before he lost consciousness, he saw his father sitting upright in front of him, and red and white paste sprayed out from the cobweb-studded glass window.

When he woke up in the hospital, there was no one beside the bed, and his eyes under the gauze were so painful that his bones seemed to be broken. blood.

The old man is not dead, but the old man is not considered alive, his father who lost half of his head has become a vegetable who will die at any time.

After Li Jian was able to leave, he always went to see his father in the ward. He touched his sallow hand, which was not alive, and thought, beheading is only a scar the size of a bowl. what happened?

Day after day, his father lay in the hospital for half a year, and finally passed away quietly one morning.

Li Jian didn't shed a single tear from the beginning to the end, except for the hideous scar on the arch of the eyebrow, he was completely the same as before. He grew up suddenly amidst the accusations of unfilial and indifference.

During those six months, 40 yuan was turned into running water, continuously nourishing Li Jian's father when he was dying, and the sleeping man emptied everything in the house.

The car crashed into a hideous pile of scrap iron, the house was taken back by the landlord and rented to new tenants, the mother took care of her husband and lost his job, and the debt-ridden family could no longer support a prospective college student.

In winter in the northern kingdom, every tree is sparse and thousands of miles are in ruins.

Li Jian decided not to read it, he walked very smartly, and only burned all the certificates from childhood to adulthood in the fireworks of the [-]th night.

In spring, he left his grandma's house and went south to work, carrying an IOU with clear handwriting and eyeprints.

During the long journey, he has no relatives, no friends, no education, and no skills. Li Jian, who has never experienced hardships, has endured countless dislikes, countless stares, and countless white jobs.

The only belief that keeps him going is that I won't be in such a mess forever.

In nearly ten years, Li Jian has changed from a stupefied young man who made mistakes repeatedly to a small leader who can speak well. He took over the sponge factory from his fellow villagers and has his own industry.

He just occasionally reflected on his own style, and felt that life was really humiliating. He thought, I wish I could shine the shoes of the director of the credit union, and the loan should be able to be settled, right?

Later, on the day he made up enough money for the down payment of the shepherd, Li Jian, who hadn’t returned home for a long time, finally bought a ticket and went to visit his father’s grave. He patted the cold and gray tombstone and muttered to himself, “Father, you used to say that this car It’s a man’s toy, right? You love cleanliness so much, so you must like white ones, right? You lie here, and if you think it’s cold, dream about it. I’ll always find a way to change it for you in the future, trust me, yes Bar?"

The insects and birds in the cemetery were not silent, but no one responded to him alone.

Ten years later, Li Jian's late tears wet the inscription, and he couldn't straighten his back from crying.

It's just that no one saw it.

Later, Li Jian returned home in a brand new Wrangler. He picked up his mother, who seemed a little strange after not seeing him for a long time, and moved thousands of miles away, opposite Si Jian's house.

The encounter between the two began at that time, a big hand said one thing, turned the roulette of fate so that the two met face to face and collided together.

Si Jian couldn't see these things, he just frowned and shook his head, using what he only knew to answer and deduce, he said, "I don't understand. But I know you have worked hard enough, let you alone No matter how hard you try, you can't match the accumulated strength of a family for several generations, there is no way. It's their lack of self-cultivation, not your fault."

His flimsy and frivolous words failed to convince anyone, so Si Jian got up and stretched out his hand, wrapping his arms around Li Jian's shoulders. He forgot all his plans about patience and concealment, and slapped Li Jian's back hard, like all the troubles All the words of comfort were melted into his actions.

Thinking back many times in the future, Si Jian never forgot Li Jian's eyes, that helpless and slumped eyes mixed with sharp sharpness, shining like a reckless young man who is ignorant of the world.

At that time, he felt that the night when Chen Sheng and Wu Guang stuffed the note into the fish's mouth, the eyes illuminated by the dancing fire must be like this.

Si Jian didn't go home that night, but went to sleep in the same bed with Li Jian. He knew very well what his role was at that time, like a meat bun used to beat dogs, but Li Jian blocked his mother from asking questions and blaming him. A prop, but he is willing.

He just didn't expect that his heart, which was always lost, lost his leg since that night, and was firmly tied to Li Jian's clothes button and never left.

Late at night, people are quiet, the moonlight passes through the branches of the old trees outside the window, and sprinkles fine mottled spots on the edge of the bed.

The two lying side by side had been motionless for a long time, Si Jian turned tensely, slowly turned over, and looked up at Li Jian's profile.

The warm light swept across the tall and straight bridge of the nose, the slanted eyebrows, and the thin lips that were slightly curved.

His heart and soul were taken away by the night, and he reached out to secretly hold Li Jian's hand hanging by his side. He held his forefinger with well-defined knuckles, and thought he was rubbing it very lightly, as if he completely trusted an adult child. own up.

Of course Li Jian didn't fall asleep, his life had changed again, and the future was still at a loss. He was not so heartless, so he opened his eyes, "Don't touch me."

Si Jian froze, he was caught in the act, but he was stern, "Why are you attacking me, did I scare you too much?"

Li Jian stared at the ceiling, "If you don't want to have anything to do with me in the future, let go."

It was only later that Si Jian realized that it was Li Jian's most formal warning before he stepped onto the cliff.

But at that time, he didn't know that he was standing on the crossroads of fate, so he dealt with it very casually, and maybe Si Jian, who was stubborn and paranoid and refused to admit defeat, didn't believe it. Even if he kept giving, Li Jian would not like him. , "I don't, I just want to have a relationship with you."

Like a wounded beast licking its wounds, an intimacy that is completely reckless is the most effective anesthetic when life is frustrated.

Although it has nothing to do with liking or love at all, Li Jian has such a physical instinct. He turned over and pressed on top of Si Jian, and his palms reached into the hem of the flimsy T-shirt of his subordinate without any detour, "You really think so?"

"Yeah." The temperature of that hand burned Si Jian's throbbing and stalling heart. He seemed to know what was going to happen next, but he didn't seem to understand anything. He was so nervous that he couldn't breathe, and he stretched out his hand to wrap around Li Jian's neck. ,"real."

That was Si Jian's first time, and also the most crude and painful one.

Li Jian didn't even get out of bed to lock the door, didn't close the curtain hanging by the window, and didn't lean over to kiss him, everything showed that this was just a catharsis.

Si Jian's memory of that night is not very clear. The only remaining memory in his mind is outside the window, where the overlapping high-voltage lines cut the deep blue sky. He was lying on the bed with a pillow under his waist.

There was nothing next to Li Jian's bed, and he was not in the mood for foreplay, this man broke in with brute force.

Si Jian had never felt such pain in his limited life, but he pinched the bed sheet and bit the corner of the quilt without saying a word. He still remembered that Li Jian's mother was sleeping next door.

As he wished, he was in perfect harmony with his sweetheart, but Si Jian was not happy, and even felt a sudden stop in the movement behind him, he breathed a sigh of relief quietly.

A part of his mind was worried, wondering if he would be able to get up tomorrow morning, but then he smiled and laughed at himself, it is a student's talent to get up early.

The next morning, the sky was still dark.

Putting on his shoes and socks and taking his backpack, Si Jian tiptoed out of Li Jian's house like a little thief who had found nothing.

He still remembers that it was a Saturday, and the whole morning of the third grade was self-study, not because the first time was so precious to him, but because he ran to the toilet eight times in just one morning.

The homeroom teacher scolded "the lazy donkey grinds a lot of shit and urine", arrogant and arrogant, and when he was about to criticize, he looked at the two bright red cheeks of Si Jian and stretched out his hand, and immediately packed his schoolbag for him and rushed outside the school gate to the small clinic.

Si Jian was dizzy while hanging from the bottle, and lay down all afternoon.

There were cats and mice in the clinic all the time, Tom and Jerry were teasing each other on the beach, and the excitement and joy turned into a midsummer carnival. He took out his mobile phone with his unpricked hand and looked at it, but there was no message or call.