sex addict

Often want to commit suicide, in the suspicious area of ​​​​the afternoon and night.And I have died, more than once. —— Yu Guangzhong

The first time Song Yao heard the word "survivor" was when Mu Cheng's parents called him on the first phone call after Mu Cheng passed away.

"Song Yao, when is it convenient for you, your aunt and I will collect Mu Cheng's belongings."

Song Yao shook his hand holding the mobile phone: "Uncle, didn't you say that the relics will be left to me? If you have to take them back, you and auntie will come over and liquidate the relics. Regardless of whether they are high or low, they will be converted into RMB. I will call you To the card, will you? I just wish you could leave me something..."

"Son, uncle doesn't want money. You know I'm not doing it for money, and I know you're not. We're all just widows with nothing. But Song Yao, it's hard to be a widow. You're still young, so there's no need to guard a pile of relics." Live your life. Both your aunt and I hope that you can come out of your sadness, open your heart to meet new people, and do unfinished things. You still have a long way to go."

Song Yao sighed softly: "But uncle, when you made an exception and let me hold Mu Cheng's portrait for the funeral, didn't you admit my relationship with him? Now that you admit it, don't drive me away."

"You silly boy, why don't you understand? Those relics are your thoughts, but you are our thoughts! We have already lost a son, do you want us to lose another one?" Cheng's mother took it, and she said in a crying voice: "Xiao Mu, we just want to visit you. I heard that you are depressed every day. Your uncle and I are very worried about you."

Song Yao froze, speechless for a moment.After a long time, he asked in a hoarse voice: "Auntie, can you cook me a meal? I want to eat the fish you cooked."

"Okay, you come back, come back today, and I will make it for you when I come back."

After hanging up the phone, Song Yao asked for leave and went home to collect a few photos of Mu Cheng, bought some nutritional supplements to take with him, and drove to City B.

When the doorbell rang, it was Mu Tianchang who opened the door, and Li Xin was cooking in the kitchen wearing an apron as before, with the familiar "prickling" cooking sound and the familiar smell.

At the dinner table, Li Xin gave Song Yao a fish head: "The fish head is the most nutritious, come, eat the fish head." Song Yao cried while eating, Li Xin hurriedly handed over the paper and asked, "Are you choking?" ? Is it too spicy?"

Song Yao's nose was red and he didn't speak.Li Xin smiled wryly: "In the past, Mu Cheng loved fish heads the most. Every time you came, he would snatch them from you. So every time I went to buy fish, I had to buy an extra one. As a result, the fish heads were eaten, but the fish was saved." A refrigerator..."

"Eat when you eat, why do you talk so much? People who are over half a century old, crying like this in front of their children, what does it look like?" Mu Tianchang took a piece of twice-cooked pork for Li Xin, and added: "The vegetables can't be blocked. Just shut your mouth and eat a piece of meat."

After saying this, there was no sound other than the collision of bowls and chopsticks on the dinner table.

After dinner, Mu Tianchang and his wife stayed with Song Yao at home for one night. When Song Yao was about to leave the next day, Mu Tianchang called him to the study, took out a plastic file bag from a drawer and handed it to him. "Here is the real estate certificate of the house you live in, and a bank card. I promised Mu Cheng to give you as your parents on the day of your wedding, but now there is no such day, so I will just give it to you." You."

Seeing that Song Yao didn't intend to pick it up, Mu Tianchang opened the file bag, took out the real estate certificate, opened it, tapped a certain place twice with his index finger, and said, "Mu Cheng saved money to buy this, and wrote you Your name should be yours. He opened a new card and changed the account number of the rent card without telling you. The rent you pay every month is in this card. We haven’t moved a cent. Now Also give it to you."

"Uncle, I can't have it, and I don't want it, so keep it."

"What do we keep it for? Your aunt and I haven't retired yet. We will have retirement pay when we retire. As for the house, the current one is fine. We don't want yours." Put the real estate certificate and card back into the file bag and stuff it into the In Song Yao's hand, Mu Tianchang went on to say, "We want you to be well."

In the end, Song Yao still took the file bag with him when he left.As soon as he drove on the highway back to City A, a white Buick stopped downstairs at Mu Tianchang's house.

"Uncle Mu, thank you, and thank Auntie for me." The owner of the Buick sat down in the living room of Mu Tianchang's house.

Mu Tianchang lightly pressed his temple, and said disapprovingly: "Even if you don't come to us, we will do it, but I didn't expect that child Song Yao to be so persistent. You are a doctor, and I will leave his illness to you. We The husband and wife have always regarded him as a son, and we can no longer bear the pain of losing a son."

Huai Yi'an expressed his gratitude and promised that Mu Tianchang and his wife would take good care of Song Yao, and then drove back to City A and went straight to Song Yao and Mu Cheng's house.

Not long after Song Yao arrived home, Huai Yi'an knocked on the door behind him.

He stepped into the door with tired steps and looked around. The room was exceptionally clean and tidy. It was different from the decadence he imagined. The windows were clean and spotless, even a little too clean.It's just an indescribable feeling, it seems that the air in the room is heavier than the air in other places, depressing, depressing.

"Sit down. What would you like to drink?"

"No, thank you." Huai Yi'an picked up the photo album on the table and asked, "Can I have a look?"

Song Yao nodded and handed him a cup of hot water.

Flipping through the photo album, Huai Yi'an found that all the photos of the scenery were only half, and every one of them was the same.He couldn't help asking in doubt: "Why do you only take half of such a beautiful scene?"

"Because he is gone, no matter how beautiful and complete the scene is, half of it is dead."

"Since you clearly know that he is gone, why don't you let yourself go?"

"Have you read "Half-length Poems"?" Song Yao answered irrelevantly.

Huai Yian shook her head.

"This is a short poem by Haizi, and it is also the most touching love story I have ever heard. When he was with me before, I never envied anyone, but now, everyone is the object of my envy."

Huai Yi'an knew that Song Yao was locked up in the forbidden place and cage in his heart. At this moment, he no longer expected Song Yao to empathize with him, he only hoped that he could get out of the sadness. "Song Yao, if you can't forget it, don't forget it. The good ones are memories, and the bad ones are experiences. Let go of the shackles and let yourself go out to see the world, okay?"

He didn't get a response, so he changed the subject: "I heard from Dr. He that you didn't go to receive psychological treatment, did you? It's my fault that I didn't go with you. I have made another appointment. This time I will go with you. It's okay. ?"

"No, it's useless."

Huai Yi'an suddenly clasped his shoulders and asked, "Why are you so unwilling to let yourself go? He's dead, and that man named Mu Cheng is already dead! Song Yao, can you wake up? Do you really know you? How dangerous is it now? Do you know that you have been diagnosed with depression? Do you want to live in the shadow of death and take sleeping pills and paroxetine hydrochloride tablets (an antidepressant drug) for the rest of your life?"

Song Yao smiled wryly, as if he was satirizing others, and also seemed to be mocking himself: "You are afraid of death, just like I am afraid of living."

"..." Huai Yi'an gritted his teeth and pulled Song Yao into his arms, clasping the back of his head tightly, the hand on his shoulder wishing to rub him into his bones, an indescribable pain felt like The waves beat against the weakest part of his heart, and he choked up and said, "For those who stay behind, the memory is too cruel. Don't bear your sorrow and pain alone, share some with me, okay?"

Song Yao didn't speak any more.

Huai Yi'an caressed his soft hair: "It was once said in a movie that a person has to die three times in a lifetime. The first time, when your heartbeat stops and your breathing disappears, you are declared biologically dead; The second time, when you were buried, people came to your funeral in black, and they announced that you no longer existed in this society, you disappeared from the network of human relationships, and you quietly left; and the third death, it was this The last person in the world who remembers you forgets you, so you really die. The whole universe will no longer have anything to do with you. If you still remember him, he is not dead, although I would rather you forget him... ..."

"But he said that a person will die four times in his life. The first time is to live like a walking dead like me repeating thoughts and memories. Maybe I have died long ago."

Huai Yian raised her head and let out a long breath.Morbid thoughts gnawed at Song Yao's broken heart, leaving Huai Yi'an only a bloody scene.

"Think about your parents and Mu Cheng's parents, they need you; look at Mu Mu again, it gradually becomes as depressed as you. Do you know that pets' psychology will be affected by their owners, and you are not happy It will also suffer from depression. Even if it's not for yourself, can you think about it for your parents, Mu Cheng's parents, and Mu Mu?"

Song Yao's chapped and white lips trembled for a long time, and he let out a tired breath: "Really? Maybe. It's getting late, you go back, I'm sleepy." Huai Yian looked at him worriedly: "you……"

"I'm fine." A forced smile tore a small slit from his chapped lips, and a trace of blood crawled on his lips like an unnamed worm.

He knew that his mental state was getting worse day by day, Huai Yi'an's words made him start to think about some things that he had neglected, for example, Mu Mu's fate.

So he started to help Mu Mu find a new owner online. A little girl who lived in city A called and said that she liked Mu Mu very much and was willing to adopt him.Song Yao drove Mu Mu there according to the agreed time.In the car, he said softly to Mu Mu in the passenger seat: "I'm sorry, Mu Mu, I'm not sure if I can take care of you anymore, so I found a new owner for you. When you arrive at your new home, you must be good and obedient. do you know?"

After a long sigh, Song Yao gritted his teeth and said coldly: "You are the inheritance that I can't let go of but I don't want to take away. My love for Mu Cheng and you is the greatest wealth in my life. Let it be Bury it with me in the ground."

Mu Mu hummed twice.He looked listless until he got off the car.

"Are you Brother Song Yao? I'm Xiao Yumeng. Oh, how could you be willing to give away such a cute golden retriever?" A little girl ran towards Mu Mu happily, scaring him so much that the oldest one was still cowering She shrank and hid behind Song Yao.This little girl is Mu Mu's new owner, Xiao Yumeng, a junior high school student.

Song Yao knelt down and comforted Mu Mu gently, and replied along the way: "I'm too busy with work to take care of him, so I want to find someone who likes dogs and entrust him to him."

Originally, Song Yao had a gentle and refined temperament like jade, but now there was endless tenderness in his eyes, which made Xiao Yumeng blush a little. "Don't worry, I will take good care of it. If you miss it, you can come and see it anytime. By the way, what's its name?"

"His name...his name is Mu Mu." After thinking about it, he added: "Wood is wood."

"Ah, good. Mu Mu, come here." Xiao Yumeng knelt down and called Mu Mu affectionately.

Mu Mu shrank back behind Song Yao again, and lowered his head to rub Song Yao's arm.Song Yao smiled lightly, smoothed Mu Mu's hair, and whispered softly: "Mu Mu, don't be afraid, I will let the young lady take care of you in the future, didn't you just promise me that I would be obedient in the car? Well, I will come to see you when I have time, okay?"

The little girl watched this handsome man speak such gentle words in a negotiating tone, and the pampering in her eyes seemed to be coaxing her own child.

Song Yao got up suddenly and interrupted her throbbing heartbeat. She watched Mu Mu reluctantly walk towards her, and then obediently squatted at her feet.Song Yao turned around and walked towards the car. Mu Mu made a gesture of wanting to get up. Seeing Song Yao parked at the back of the car and opened the trunk to get things, he sat down again with peace of mind.

Carrying a lot of things from the trunk, Song Yao delivered them to her home under Xiao Yumeng's guidance.Her family seems to be very well off, so Mu Mu must be very happy in her family.Song Yao thought so.

"Sit down first." He poured a glass of water for Song Yao.

Song Yao took a polite sip of the water, then put the glass on the tea table, took the boxes and introduced them one by one: "This is dog food, Mu Mu likes this brand the most, although it is a bit expensive, it is very nutritious. He likes to take a bath. You can spray it after taking a bath, and he will feel very comfortable. He likes to be clean and can go to the toilet by himself. He may not adapt to the new environment at first, but as long as you tell him where to solve it, He'll remember."

As he said that, he took out a stack of small books from another cardboard box and handed them out, "I took him for vaccinations a few days ago, this is the health certificate and vaccination certificate, remember to take him for vaccinations and health certificates on time. Check. He is very playful and docile, and will not bite people, but you still have to wear a leash when you take him out for a walk. He is very smart..." Song Yao looked down at Mu lying at his feet Mu, his voice was a little choked up.

Xiao Yumeng first used a notebook to write down the precautions, and then she felt a little distressed. She looked at Song Yao and asked tentatively: "Brother Yao, since you love him so much and can't bear to bear him, why do you have to give it away? Are you working?" It’s also okay to send it to a pet store for custody.”

"Because... when I'm not around, I don't want him to be as lonely as me..." Song Yao replied with a heavy head.Then he sighed softly, stood up and bowed deeply: "Then I will trouble you to take good care of him, thank you. I hope he can grow old happily in your company." After speaking and walking towards the door, Mu Mu got up immediately followed.

"Mumu, brother will come to see you often, be good." Xiao Yumeng hugged Mu Mu.Until Song Yao closed the door and left, Mu Mu pounced on the door and scratched the door with his paws, wailing in pain. "Aww——aww—" Song Yao stood outside the door and listened to the voice, his heart ached.But in the end it took a step.

As the car started, Mu Mu ran around the little girl's house looking for an exit, but finally found that the balcony window was half open, so she rushed over and jumped out without thinking.Although it was the first floor, Xiao Yumeng was still taken aback, and hurried forward and lay down on the window sill to watch.

I saw Mu Mu limping with one leg and chasing after him. Although he couldn't keep up with the car, he still ran with all his strength.There is a small garden under the balcony. When Mu Mu jumped off, she was caught by a bush and injured her leg.

When Song Yao turned on the turn signal and was about to turn around and leave the community, he happened to see Mu Mu struggling to catch up from the side view mirror, and Xiao Yumeng who was following behind. At this moment, Yin Ren was defeated at this moment, and his eyes were blurred by tears. He stopped the car and ran over.

Mu Mu stood up on his hind legs with difficulty, supported his body and threw himself into Song Yao's arms, licking Song Yao with a purring sound.Tears still fell down, wet the soft hair on Mu Mu's back.

Xiao Yumeng ran up panting, looked at this scene, couldn't bear it, and said: "Brother Yao, why don't you take it back? It is so reluctant to part with you."

Song Yao knelt down and rubbed Mu Mu's hind legs in pain, until the "Does it hurt" on his mouth turned into—"Mu Mu, go back! I've already given you away, I don't want you, don't you Follow me again!"

Mu Mu was a little frightened by the fierceness, and stretched out his claws to grab Song Yao's pants bit by bit, and kept stretching his head to rub Song Yao's hanging hand.Song Yao avoided Mu Mu's begging for comfort, and pushed it away with trembling hands.The injured Mu Mu fell to the ground, and the whining sound from his mouth never stopped.

"He is injured, you should take him to see him as soon as possible. The doctor at the Pet Hospital is very good. He can go there for treatment if he is injured or uncomfortable. It is not far from your community. Take him there. The doctor knows him well. Him. I will regularly transfer a sum of money to your account for his daily expenses. He...he was injured, and you take good care of him during this period, which will make him feel safe and dependent on you. So, please give him a little more patience and take his time..."

When Song Yao watched Xiao Yumeng say these words, she had never seen the sadness in her eyes. It was hard for her to imagine that a person would have such a strong and inseparable affection for a dog.So, she cautiously stepped forward to comfort Mu Mu.When Song Yao turned to leave, Mu Mu struggled to chase out from his arms again.Song Yao stopped walking, turned his head and reprimanded in a vicious tone: "Don't follow me anymore!"

Mu Mu still dragged his lame leg for a few steps, one step slower than the other, and finally stopped, lying on the ground wearily, sobbing.When Xiao Yumeng stepped forward to hug it, he found that its eyes were watery, a small corner was wet at the corner of the eyes, and there was some snot under the black nose. It was crying like an abandoned and helpless child...

Song Yao drove the car for a certain distance, and finally couldn't help but fell on the steering wheel and broke down in tears...

Dongdongdong... "Comrade, you can't park here, it will hinder the traffic order, drive away." The traffic police urging came from outside the window, Song Yao started the car and drove aimlessly on the street, the car became his right now. The armor slowly turned into a car shuttle on the busy road. No one knows what kind of helpless and desperate person is sitting in this armor...

And went back to the old place - the cemetery.

"Ten years of life and death are boundless, without thinking, and unforgettable. There is nowhere to speak of a lonely grave."

"Contemplating suicide often, in suspicious areas of afternoon and night. And I have died, more than once."

"I hope it's a good thing to leave, and I hope never to return."

"Once you die, you have nothing to lose. This is where death begins."

"I don't know how long I can last. I know that I will collapse one day, but I just don't know when that day will come. I am like a cancer patient waiting to die. I know that I will die, but I still use it day by day Drugs delay life. I think I have died a long time ago, together with Mu Cheng. In the days without him, I left a stinky body, shuttling in various places where people come and go, many people, many people, but No one is Mu Cheng, not even a person who resembles him. The plots in the TV dramas where people see their backs on the street and mistake them for lovers are too fake. How many times I tried to mistake someone for him, but it never succeeded But, I know him too well."

"We are lovers, we are obviously lovers, but we can't hold hands in the sun like other lovers, we can't kiss, we can't hug, because every time we do these things, others will look at us with contempt and stab us in the heart. □□Tell us how disgusting this kind of behavior is. Are we wrong? Is it wrong to like someone? Yes, the mistake is that the person is the same gender as me. Coincidentally, what I like is the same as me He is the same gender, I just like him, he is just the same gender as me, is it so intolerable? Since it is not intolerable, why does God snatch him away from me?"

Huai Yi'an looked at the pages full of words in his hand, and snorted with a smile: "You are so stupid...I am also stupid. We are all fools, fools played by fate..."

Putting these "last words" neatly on the table, Huai Yi'an squatted beside the bed and looked at Song Yao, crying helplessly, as if afraid of waking up the dreamer.

He didn't know whether it was right or wrong for him to take Song Yao to prescribe sleeping pills.When he picked up Song Yao from Mu Cheng's tombstone again, he blamed himself.Song Yao used to suffer from insomnia, but at least he was able to take care of himself, but now, he always takes sleeping pills in places he can't see and when he can't take care of them.He has fallen asleep in front of Mu Cheng's tomb with tears in his eyes more than once.

The author has something to say:

When I was a child, my family raised a yellow dog that could not be called a breed. It was very docile and intelligent.Every time I come home from school, it will wag its tail and run to me, stretching its head and begging for a smooth hair. It is super cute.I don’t remember how many years I kept it, but I only know that the dog gradually became too old to walk, the hair on its body fell out bit by bit, the teeth could no longer gnaw the bones, and the eyes and nose were no longer sensitive. Even calling it unresponsive.It wasn’t until I asked about it when I came home from school that my dad said it had died of old age and was buried. It was really sad at the time. It should be the first time I really felt “aging” and “death” .Of course, knowing death is completely different from experiencing it, so I have been wondering if I will exaggerate Song Yao's reaction to Mu Cheng's death, so that people will feel a sense of moaning ...

(If you can’t forget it, don’t forget it. The good ones are memories, and the bad ones are experiences. ——Li Gongjun

Often want to commit suicide, in the suspicious area of ​​​​the afternoon and night.And I have died, more than once. —— Yu Guangzhong

I wish it was a blessing to leave, and I wish never to return. — Frida Kahlo

Once dead, there is nothing left to lose, and this is the beginning of death. - Haruki Murakami)