sex addict

If I hadn't seen the sun, I could have tolerated the darkness.Yet the sun has turned my desolation into a new desolation. — Emily Dickinson

"Husband, I'm hungry, get up and make breakfast for me, husband, I'm hungry, get up and make breakfast for me..." The familiar alarm bell rang in Song Yao's hand with vibrations.

"Mu Cheng, I'm tired, shall we go out for breakfast today?" Song Yao replied in a daze.

... The answer to him was silence.

Feeling that the eyes were swollen and stinging, and they couldn't even open them, Song Yao wanted to rub his hands.But as soon as he raised his hand, he gasped in a "hissy" breath.I haven't slept well for several days, and I just fell asleep sitting in the corner last night, my arm was numb and painful.I really don't know how Mu Cheng manages to sleep with his arms around him every night until his hands don't hurt or numb.

In this way, I woke up from the corner again and again, sometimes during the day and sometimes at night.Song Yao no longer knew when it was dawn and when it was dark, when he was asleep and when he was awake.

No one answered his questions, because he refused to see anyone, refused to go to work, refused to take Mu Mu out for a walk or even played with it.He only poured dog food for it when it was hungry, and only at this time would he remember to heat himself a bland plain rice.

Gradually, there was always a little leftover of Mu Mu's favorite dog food, and more and more left over, until he never touched it again, and Song Yao left as much as he poured out one day.And Song Yao no longer warmed himself up.If it wasn't for an unfamiliar phone call, perhaps Song Yao would really have lived and died with Mu Mu like this.

"Hello, is this Mu Cheng?"

"Who are you?"

"I'm Candy, Mr. Brown's assistant. It's too much for you to forget me so quickly. You asked Mr. Brown to make a dress for your lover. I'm calling to ask you. You personally Pick it up or send it to your home?"

Song Yao frowned, not knowing what to say.

"Hello? Mu Cheng, are you listening?"

"I am his lover. You can send it over."

"Sir, is your surname Song?"

"Song Yao."

"Hello, Mr. Song, then I will send the order link to your mobile phone. You click to fill in and submit. I will arrange the delivery for you immediately after receiving it. Please pay attention to check it. May I ask, is Mu Cheng not there?"

"He...he went away."

"Then, are you still separated from each other now? Are you in China? Mu Cheng keeps saying that he wants to invite you to Detroit to attend Mr. Brown's personal design exhibition, but he seems to have never done it. What a credible guy." .”

"Yeah, broken promises. The dress..."

"That's a surprise he prepared for you, it feels like I'm screwed now, it sucks! God only knows why you are using his number, it seems that you two have a really good relationship. Hope you can come Detroit, Mr. Brown and I really want to meet you, and if possible, we hope to attend your wedding with Mu Cheng."

"Thank you." Like a stick in the throat.

After hanging up the phone, Song Yao felt mixed feelings. He leaned his back against the wall to support his weak body, and went to the kitchen to cook a bowl of noodles. There was no seasoning, just a bowl of noodles with clear soup and little water. Although there was new hope And worth the wait, but he seems to be eating just to live.

On the second day, life seemed to return to the way it was when Mu Yan was there. Song Yao began to wash clothes, clean, bathe Mu Mu, and shave himself.However, after three or four days, there was no express delivery to his home, and Song Yao began to become anxious.

He was restless and at a loss what to do, so he wanted to find something to kill time.So he messed up the house that had been cleaned spotlessly, and then tidied it up one by one.

He wiped the coffee table over and over again, and stared at the rag in his hand in a daze when he was tired.As if remembering something important, Song Yao ran back to the bedroom, changed his clothes, took a small bucket with two towels, a few bottles of water, and a brush in it, and drove to the cemetery.

Death is the best proof that a person has lived, and the tombstone is the most straightforward evidence of a person's death.

Song Yao brushed off the dust and fallen leaves on the stone platform, then knelt in front of the tombstone and gently scrubbed the tombstone.In fact, time cannot wash away everything. He discovered that pain can stay in a person's life for such a long time.

He thought more than once how could Mu Cheng have the heart to let him face the cruelty of this world alone?Without Mu Cheng, who will cover his ears and eyes in the future, who will protect him from the malice from this world?

Sometimes he would even have an extremely vicious and selfish idea—why it was his unique lover who died instead of someone else.But afterwards, he secretly ridiculed his naivety—when someone dies, someone will be sad. Who in this world is not unique?

There was a text message notification sound in his pocket, and Song Yao took out his phone slowly and glanced at it. It was an unfamiliar text message—"The dead are long gone, and the living should be cherished. Live well for him, and love yourself for him." He He didn't want to guess who sent the text messages, because after he inserted his phone card into Mu Cheng's phone, there were too many condolence text messages, most of them were sent to Mu Cheng, and a few were sent to himself.

The sender of the text message glanced at his wife, daughter and niece who were watching TV, heaved a sigh of relief, exchanged his mobile phone with the cigarettes on the coffee table, got up and walked to the balcony, leaving his wife and niece with a decadent back.

He leaned on the cold railing and looked down at the busy street downstairs, a drop of tear slid down on the railing, faintly reflecting the unshaven stubble on his chin.

"Amu, let's go all the way..." The lighter failed to hit after several times in trembling hands, he took the cigarette from the corner of his mouth, and threw the lighter with his backhand on the balcony.

The wife stepped forward to hand over a new lighter and cigarettes, and asked tentatively: "Tingjie, Mom called in the afternoon and said she wanted to see Niu Niu. She will come to stay for two days. You can drive back and pick her up when you have time."

"Okay. Let's talk when you have time. I'm tired." Su Tingjie lit his cigarette and took a deep puff, then put out the remaining half of the cigarette on the side of the ceramic flower pot, threw the cigarette butt and words casually, and went back to the study.

The niece Ke Ke ran to the edge of the balcony with two pigtails, picked up the cigarettes on the ground and threw them in the trash can, and complained childishly: "Uncle is a bad boy, littering!"

Meng Lan pulled Ke Ke into her arms and touched her head and said softly, "Don't say that uncle is a bad child. Uncle is just tired." After speaking, she looked up at the closed study door, her nose sore, she thought It may be that the dinner was too salty, and even the tears were salty and bitter.

After reading the text message, Song Yao put his phone aside, sat in front of Mu Cheng's tombstone, carefully stroking the black and white photo of the tombstone with Mu Cheng, who was smiling brightly like the sun, with his head leaning on the side of the tombstone, as if leaning against Mu Cheng. I enjoy it like that on my shoulders.

Regardless of the sympathetic or doubtful gazes cast by other grave sweepers, Song Yao muttered to himself as if no one was around...

"Domestic certificates are not legal, let's go to Norway after a while, or Denmark, Sweden is also fine, I heard that Germany is also good, but I still like the elegance of France and the romance of Italy best, let's go there. If we must Detroit can also be…”

"You haven't proposed to me yet, but I have promised you now. Where is the ring? Where have you been?"

"When you went to Detroit before, I saw a men's ring and thought it was very suitable for both of us. I asked the clerk if I could buy two identical ones. She told me that I could customize it and asked me about the size of our fingers. I looked at it for a long time, and was at a loss for a while. I haven't held your hand for a long time. I can't even find the sense of security holding you. How can I remember the size of your fingers... Then I panicked Leaving that store, the clerk must think I am rude, like a psycho, but I can't help it, I'm afraid that if I stay for another minute, I will cry like a dog, I hate people telling me through various intentional or unintentional actions You are not by my side, now I hate it even more..."

While talking, he suddenly took out his mobile phone, set the alarm to the next minute, and waited quietly.

"Husband, I'm hungry, get up and make breakfast for me, husband, I'm hungry, get up and make breakfast for me..." The alarm rang on time, and Song Yao didn't turn it off, just letting the phone ring, vibrate, and then turn off automatically.He tuned to the next minute, waited, rang again, over and over again...

Song Yao didn't cry until his hands were numb due to the vibration of the mobile phone: "Don't you like to hear me call your husband? Husband, husband, husband, husband... I called, many times, did you hear me?...Since You heard me, why are you ignoring me? Why..."

"Why did you abandon me? You know that there are not many people who love me. Grandpa is gone, and you are gone too. What do you want me to do..."

Huai Yi'an, who was standing not far away, looked at Song Yao trembling and curled up in front of the tombstone, feeling like a knife was twisting his heart.He remembered reading "A Praise of Love" when he was in college. The book said, "The word love is amor in Latin. It begins with admiration and ends with death." But now it seems that this is not the case. Love does not end with death , but because of the death of the love party, it becomes more deeply rooted in the bone marrow.

The teller sits for hours at a time, and the guardian stays there for hours.It was not until watching Song Yao drive the car into the community that Huai Yi'an dragged his tired body and broken heart back to the pet hospital.

As soon as Song Yao came out of the garage, he was stopped by the security guard at the gate guard of the community.It turned out that the package from Detroit arrived, and no one was home when the courier delivered it to the door, so it was left in the guard room.

I couldn't wait to open the package and saw that there were two exquisite gift boxes.

One is pure black with a white ribbon, and inside it is a set of dresses. The front is a pure black suit, and the back is a pure white wedding dress. The design is unique and ingenious.

The other is a deep sea blue box with a beige bow stuck to the top. When I opened it, I found several pieces of used drawing paper, a brand new camera and a camera-shaped USB flash drive inside.

There are four or five sheets of drawing paper that Mu Cheng drew for Song Yao, and another one is a design draft signed by Mu Cheng, and the design work is exactly that dress.The last one is a folded old painting - "Sex Addict".

Looking at the long-lost painting and the familiar class name, looking at the man in the painting who is tearing the T-shirt on his chest with his left hand, stretching his right hand towards the blurred figure in the distance, and twisting his body with all his might, Song Yao's tears welled up without warning. out.

When Mu Cheng painted this painting 6 years ago, he was the distorted and painful man kneeling on the ground asking for nothing, and Song Yao was the blurry back who seemed to be elusive; but now, on the contrary, Song Yao has become the one who has nothing. , the man with blood on the corners of his lips and tears on his cheeks, and Mu Cheng became the blurred figure from his back that could never be touched again.

Everything seems to be a coincidence, but also like a sign.

Insert the U disk into the computer and turn it on, and there are all small videos in it.Song Yao clicked on one at random, and it appeared on the screen that Mu Cheng was discussing the details of the design draft with a foreign man. During the process, he also mentioned Song Yao's body proportions, waist circumference and shoulder width.Then click on the one where Mu Cheng is trying on a suit in front of the mirror, and the camera cuts to a beautiful woman with long blond hair. She smiled and waved to the camera, speaking in fluent Chinese: "Mr. Song, how are you?" , I’m Candy, Mr. Brown’s assistant.” As he spoke, he turned the camera to the foreign man who was cutting fabrics on the workbench, “This is Mr. Brown, he is a famous designer, he usually only makes things he designs, so When Mu Cheng came to him with the draft he had already designed, he was almost pissed off." Showing the camera to Mu Cheng again, Candy continued to explain: "Look, this is the arrogance that made Mr. Brown so angry. Guy." In the screen, Mu Cheng turned around and raised his hand to block the camera: "Don't make trouble! Trying on clothes!"

"Look at how fierce he is, Mr. Song, you really should come over and take care of him as soon as possible. I heard from him that you will come to Detroit soon, right? It's really exciting! And he's almost ready for the wedding ——" "Don't say it!" After the camera shakes violently, it's dark, and one can guess that the camera should be snatched away by someone.

After a while, Mu Cheng put his head in front of the camera and grinned: "Everything is ready, just wait for me." Finally, the camera stopped on Mu Cheng's smiling face.

Song Yao had complicated expressions on his face, he couldn't tell whether he was laughing or crying.He continued to click on other videos, long or short, all related to Mu Cheng and himself.

Watching the sky brighten up again.

From that night on, Song Yao could no longer fall asleep in the dark.When you open your eyes, the whole world is full of Mu Cheng's sunny smile, and when you close your eyes, you will see the bleeding face under the white cloth.

Under the urging of the team leader, he returned to work again. He thought that maybe being busy with work could make his body tired enough, so that he would no longer suffer from insomnia.

But this is not the case.

Think that what the brain can forget, the body will help you remember it firmly.For example, when Song Yao drove Mu Mu to the pet hospital, he would unconsciously let him sit in the back seat and leave the passenger seat for Mu Cheng; And waited until the water in the bathtub was cold before realizing that Mu Cheng was gone; another example...

At first, Huai Yi'an just felt that Song Yao's body immunity was weakened due to excessive grief, and his mental state was not good. Even after Song Yao said that he had insomnia all night, he just took him to the hospital and prescribed sleeping pills. He thought everything would be fine after taking the medicine. .But then he realized it wasn't that simple.

He found that Song Yao didn't like to laugh so much, and his smile seemed to have lost his soul.He often looks distraught, forgetting everything he was doing one second before and the next second.He even forgot to eat, and forgot that Mu Cheng was no longer there.Maybe he has lost his way in the haze of Mu Cheng's death, and has been circling in circles in painful memories.

Feeling that Song Yao would die of depression if this continues, Huai Yi'an introduced Song Yao and made an appointment with a psychiatrist.After he described all the information and situation of Song Yao to the psychiatrist, he took Song Yao there.

"Song Yao, right? Please sit down." The doctor patted the chair to signal Song Yao to sit down.

"Thank you."

"I heard Yi'an said that you know the tea ceremony?"

"Only a little bit."

"Humble, how about we drink tea and chat today?"

Song Yao glanced at Huai Yi'an, then nodded to the psychiatrist.

"I like to drink tea, but I can't sit down and sip it like this every day, so there are few tea lovers. If I have to find one, it can only be my youngest daughter. Once I made a cup of tea and forgot to drink it She was curious, so she took a sip and shivered with bitterness. So she poured out my tea, added new water, soaked it for a few minutes, poured it out, and replaced it with new water. The tea was almost colorless, so it was brought to me after one sip. I asked her why she poured my tea, and she said that the strong tea was too bitter, and the bitterness would be gone after changing the water a few more times. Haha, what a silly girl.”

The psychiatrist added tea to Song Yao twice, and then said: "People's emotions are very complicated. There are losses, sorrows, longings, and resentments. Just like tea, the first cup is always bitter. Take more time to change it a few times. The water, naturally dilutes. The longer it goes on, the sadder it becomes, just like the ever-diluted cup of tea my daughter gave me.”

Song Yao picked up the teacup and took a sip, then said calmly: "Thank you, doctor, I understand what you mean. But isn't drinking tea a pleasure in suffering? What's the difference between over-diluted tea and plain water? It’s just some tasteless tea leaves. I know that it’s not good for me to dwell on the past, but my life is only a few dozen years. If it’s not for nothing, how can I waste my life, don’t you think? So, I am very grateful for your enlightenment, and I can only say sorry for wasting your precious time."

Song Yao's reaction was completely beyond the psychiatrist's expectation. There was no logical confusion in his words. Although he was indeed somewhat pessimistic, the psychiatrist was speechless.He clearly felt that Song Yao was rejecting all the people and things that tried to dig Mu Cheng out of his heart.

According to the plan, there were three psychotherapy sessions like this, but Song Yao never went to the next two sessions.It's useless, he knows it's all futile.

To Song Yao, Mu Cheng is like sunshine. If this ray of sunshine never shines into his small city that has been raining for a long time, then even if the small city decays into ruins, he will not feel the slightest pity.But when this ray of light covered his entire world and even made him used to the days of light, he could no longer survive in the dark.As Hosseini said: "Having something and then losing it always hurts more than never having it at all."

The author has something to say:

It’s not that I understand love too stubbornly, thinking that I must YouJump, IJump, but for Song Yao, who has been withdrawn and even autistic since childhood, this is not extreme or stubborn, but a way of expressing sadness different from ordinary people.His depression was engraved in his bones when he was a child, so it is normal to suffer from depression.

Talking about depression is another very sad thing. My favorite singer Leslie Cheung, poet Cha Haisheng and Japanese writer Akutagawa Ryunosuke all died of suicide caused by depression, so depression is another unavoidable topic. I looked up some relevant data, excerpted here:

According to the statistics of the World Health Organization, the global incidence rate of depression is 3.1%, while the incidence rate in China is higher than the world average level, and has shown a continuous upward trend in recent years and a younger trend.At present, there are more than 1 million people with various mental illnesses in the country, and more than 1600 million people with severe diseases.Among them, there are about 3000 million patients with depression, which is the mental illness with the highest incidence rate.

Internationally, depression is called "spiritual cold" or "blue hidden worry".According to the statistics of the World Health Organization, more than 3 million people worldwide suffer from depression. By 2020, depression will become the second largest burden of disease in the world after coronary heart disease. (Extracted from the appearance in the column, the original article, the copyright belongs to China.com, please indicate the source for reprinting.)

(It turns out that what the brain can forget, the body will remember. ——Shui Muding)