sex addict

To die is like water disappearing into water. ——Borges

"Are you awake? Are you hungry? I've prepared dinner for you, get up quickly." Mu Cheng walked to the bed with a smile and patted Song Yao's forehead.

Song Yao looked at him without blinking, and was stunned.

"What? Is it because I haven't shaved cleanly? Why are you looking at me like that?" Mu Cheng touched his chin first, then bent down and pinched Song Yao's nose: "Or is my wife still awake?"

Song Yao didn't dare to let out a breath, he was afraid that if he exhaled too much, he would blow away everything that was illusory but real.

Mu Cheng's eyes were full of love and indulgence, and there was nowhere to put it: "Okay, get up quickly, I'll go to the kitchen to see if the soup is ready."

Looking at Mu Cheng's back, two lines of tears finally flowed from Song Yao's eyes.He couldn't believe it was true, but hoped it was true.As soon as he threw off the quilt, he ran into the kitchen without his shoes on, and hugged Mu Cheng tightly from behind.

"Guess what delicious food I made for you tonight? A cup of latte with three pieces of sugar, two steaks fried to medium rare, it's enough for me to like you so much. Of course, there is also you Your favorite fish head soup, try it salty." He said, scooped up a spoonful of steaming fish soup, brought it to his mouth and blew it, then turned around and handed it to Song Yao carefully.

Song Yao stared at Mu Cheng intently, and obediently opened his mouth to drink the fish soup.

"Is it delicious?" Mu Cheng's eyes lit up, begging for praise.

Song Yao nodded, but his eyes were fixed on Mu Cheng.

Mu Cheng smiled and lowered his head to take off the apron around his neck, just in time to see Song Yao standing on the ground with bare feet, his expression changed: "Why did you forget to put on your shoes again? You are so disobedient, why don't you stand up?"

Song Yao looked down at Mu Cheng's outstretched foot, stepped on it obediently, and stood on the instep of his flip-flops.

Turning his eyes back to Mu Cheng's face again, Song Yao raised his hand to hold this familiar face and looked at it again and again, finally bursting into tears, he threw himself into his arms and cried in a mess.

"What's the matter?" Mu Cheng tried to push Song Yao away to ask clearly. Unexpectedly, Song Yao hugged his neck tightly like an octopus, unable to tear it apart.

Song Yao choked up and said, "I had a dream. I dreamed that you were dead and you didn't want me anymore..."

"Silly Yao! What are you thinking? Why would I not want you? Dreams are wrong, I am here." Mu Cheng no longer pushed him away, but put his arms around his waist to make him stand more firmly on his instep , while raising one hand to gently rub his hair to comfort him.

"Let's go, go eat!" Mu Cheng suddenly held Song Yao's buttocks and hugged him up, letting Song Yao hang on his body like a koala.

Walking to the dinner table, Mu Cheng wanted to put Song Yao down, but Song Yao was like a dying man catching driftwood in the sea, tightly hugging Mu Cheng's neck.

"Come down."

"No."

"Why are you so clingy all of a sudden?"

"I don't care, I want you to hold me."

Mu Cheng suddenly played tricks and let go of Song Yao's arms.

Losing the strength to support his body, Song Yao fell down.He could only wrap his arms around Mu Cheng's neck even tighter, and rubbed his legs around Mu Cheng's waist.

"If you don't let go, I'll be strangled to death by you!" Mu Cheng deliberately bent down to make Song Yao lose weight.

Song Yao slipped on his leg and screamed: "I'm going to fall! I'm going to fall! Mu Cheng——"

Mu Cheng raised his legs, pulled him towards him, hugged him firmly, and smiled evilly: "Hahaha, how could I be willing to let you fall?" He buried his head in Song Yao's neck, and bit him lightly. He took a sip: "However, you have rubbed me out, what do you think should I do?"

"Do it." Song Yao put his hand through Mu Cheng's hair.

Mu Cheng's Adam's apple was rolling up and down, holding Song Yao and walking back to the bedroom, tearing off his loose pajama pants with his hands.He casually took a bottle of body lotion from the bedside table, squeezed some and applied it on the entrance, patiently expanding.

Song Yao panted impatiently: "Hurry up..."

The active urging made Mu Cheng's blood surge unbearable, and he broke into it in one breath while standing. The incredible depth made Song Yao's whole body numb and limp.There was no strength in his legs, and the more he couldn't hold on to the fall, the more he was explored. Song Yao kept straightening his back and fled upwards: "It's so uncomfortable..."

Sensing that he was afraid, Mu Cheng stopped his movements, slowly put him on the bed, and kissed/caressed him tenderly.

"Mu Cheng, Mu Cheng, Mu Cheng, Mu Cheng..." As if he could never get enough, Song Yao called his name over and over again.

"I'm here." Mu Cheng responded by kissing away the tears from the corners of his eyes.

"I love you..." In Song Yao's memory, he never seemed to have said these three words to Mu Cheng.

Mu Cheng seemed to have received a signal of encouragement, and went in and out with all his strength, enjoying the ultimate pleasure with Song Yao.

The brain enters a state of hypoxia and becomes blank, the breathing gradually becomes gentle, and the whole body relaxes, as if floating in the clouds.

"Song Yao, wake up! Wake up Song Yao, Song Yao! Song Yao!" Huai Yi'an passed one hand under Song Yao's armpit to support him from slipping, and patted his face with the other hand.

Song Yao suddenly took a deep breath, then exhaled tremblingly a little bit, opened his eyes slightly to adapt to the harsh light in the bathroom.

"Scared me to death! What are you doing? Do you know that the water has submerged your head just now, and you almost drowned yourself!" Huai Yi'an was anxious and angry.

Song Yao looked around the bathroom with misty eyes, unfamiliar?familiar?Is it a dream?or reality?He couldn't tell the difference.

Huai Yi'an knelt by the bathtub, embraced Song Yao's weak body and hugged her in her arms, crying and begging: "Song Yao, don't do this again, okay? I'm scared, I'm really scared..."

One hand slowly climbed onto Huai Yi'an's back, and his voice was as soft as a mosquito: "Can you carry me back to the bed? I don't have the strength."

Huai Yi'an helped him up, pulled a bath towel to wrap him up, and bent over to carry him back to the bedroom.

It's the sweet dreams that hurt the most.The sense of emptiness suddenly lost after waking up intersects with the cruel reality, weaving into a seamless net, wrapping people in it, oppressing breathing, strangling into flesh and blood, blood and blood.

Lying on the bed, Song Yao looked at the dim light with vacant eyes, and said weakly: "He came back and finished the dinner he owed me, but I only drank a spoonful of soup, and now I don't remember the taste of the soup."

"What?" Huai Yi'an didn't hear clearly, so he could only put his ear to Song Yao's mouth to hear him say it again.

"A cup of latte with three pieces of sugar, two steaks fried to medium rare, enough to make up my full love for you."

Huai Yi'an knew that no matter how sweet the love words came from Song Yao's mouth, it had nothing to do with him.He is used to it.Since he started to take care of Song Yao, he has heard too many ravings in Song Yao's dream, every sentence is so gentle, but none of them belong to him.

Watching Song Yao until he fell asleep, Huai Yi'an bought raw steak and instant latte as quickly as possible, and went back to Song Yao's house to try cooking.

During the simple dinner, Huai Yi'an asked: "It must not be as delicious as Mu Cheng's cooking?"

"No, it's delicious. It just tastes different."

"Why would you rather give Mu Mu away than leave it to me?"

"I don't want you to put too much love for me on him. I hope you can meet someone more worthy of your love."

"I don't like that at all. You are too selfish. Your hope is not my choice, and your choice may not be correct."

"Perhaps, but the only way to have something forever is to lose it?"

Huai Yi'an stopped talking.

Different from the previous insomnia, after taking sleeping pills and paroxetine hydrochloride tablets for nearly half a year, Song Yao became drowsy and dreamy, and sometimes had hallucinations. The doctor said that this was neurasthenia caused by long-term or even excessive use of psychotropic drugs. Dosage.

Huai Yi'an has always mistakenly thought that Song Yao was actively cooperating with the treatment by taking medicine on time, because for the past six months, Song Yao went to and from work on time every day, and would visit his parents, Mu Cheng's parents, and Mu Mu at regular intervals. He will also participate in the company's entertainment, and occasionally promise Huai Yian to drink coffee or have dinner, and no longer refuse Huai Yian's request to go to his house every two days to take care of him.Seems like everything is back on track...

February 2018, 2, New Year's Eve.Song Yao went home to sweep his grandfather's tomb, and then had New Year's Eve dinner with his parents.While watching the Spring Festival Gala, he put a bank card on the coffee table: "Dad, Mom, this is my savings over the past few years, I can't spend much by myself, it's all stored on the card, you can keep it for use. "

"We don't want your money, as long as you find a suitable person to live a stable life as soon as possible, we can rest assured." Su Zimin put the card back into Song Yao's hand.

"Then what if the right person is still a man?" Seeing that his parents didn't speak, Song Yao lowered his head and sneered.

"As long as it can give you a stable life is enough." Song Yu left these words for Song Yao and went back to the bedroom.

Su Zimin got up and patted Song Yao's head, and said softly: "Mom and Dad apologize to you for what happened before, I'm sorry, son, we were too stubborn. You still have a long way to go, and some things have to be let go. Good night, son."

Song Yao was relieved that his parents no longer opposed same-sex/love, but if this attitude was bought by Mu Cheng's death, then he would rather not.

This night, Song Yao woke up suddenly after sleeping in the middle of the night. He hurriedly reached under the pillow to find Mu Cheng's photo, turned on the desk lamp and looked at it again and again, stroking Mu Cheng on the photo with his fingers contentedly. Yan's face.Then, it was dawn, and he lost sleep again...

When I woke up, I felt that I loved you, so I dared not sleep again.

Taking advantage of the excitement of the Chinese New Year, Song Yao went to visit Mu Cheng's parents. Besides bringing some New Year's goods, he also brought a real estate certificate. Inside was a piece of paper with an oval red mark on the lower right corner.He put the things in a drawer in Mu Cheng's room.

After the seventh day of the lunar new year, the People's Library of City A began to operate.Song Yao donated all the books collected by himself and Mu Cheng over the years to the library free of charge, leaving only some private photo albums and picture albums.

The last time Song Yao ate with his parents and Mu Cheng's parents was Yuanxiao.Afterwards, it was weekends. Song Yao went to two cities to sweep the graves of his grandfather and Mu Cheng. It was already late when he got home, and he felt very tired.

Putting the hot water and lying in the bathtub, Song Yao leaned his head on the edge of the bathtub, staring blankly at the steaming heat.He is like an obese patient who overeats, allowing his thoughts and sorrows to grow like fat.

He soaked in the water for a long time, and fell asleep without knowing it, and he didn't know how long he slept.Suddenly, he felt that he was stepping on the air, his calf trembled, and the water entered his nasal cavity. He coughed violently, and when he sat up on both sides of the bathtub, his hands were trembling. It was cold because the water was already cold.

Fumbled to pick up the phone and took a look. It was already 5 o'clock in the morning on the 3th, and the water had completely cooled down.He picked up his bathrobe and put it on, and walked out of the bathroom barefoot.As he passed the sink, he glanced at himself in the mirror. His face was pale and his lips were purple. He knew it was from soaking in cold water for too long.

He knew that no one would pick him up and carry him back to bed when he fell asleep in the bath, no one would reprimand him for walking barefoot on the cold floor, and no one would pick him up by the waist and throw him on the bed. Give him a domineering warning on the bed...

I feel that there are Mu Cheng everywhere, but there is no Mu Cheng everywhere.He couldn't help his nose sore, and looked at himself with tears in the corners of his eyes, and let out a sneer.

"Mu Cheng, tell me, why is there such suffering as 'I want to see you' in the world?"

Back in the bedroom, he put Mu Cheng's photo where he could see it as always.After putting it away, I took a look at it, and felt that the light was not good, and I couldn't see Mu Cheng's face clearly, so I reached out and adjusted the angle of the photo frame, and then sat on the side of the bed.After staring blankly at the photo for a while, he felt that the angle had been adjusted a bit too much. He reached out and adjusted the position of the photo frame again. The more he looked at it, the more inappropriate he felt, and the more he adjusted, the more at a loss what to do. Finally, he still put the photo frame on the pillow next to him.

Looking at the photo, he smiled with satisfaction, and was about to lie down, when the phone schedule reminded that it was time to take medicine, yes, it was time to take medicine...

Pour two capsules in the palm of your hand, this is a one-time amount.He threw the medicine into his mouth mechanically, took a sip of water from the cup, and swallowed.Then he glanced at the unfinished water in the glass, so he poured two more capsules, repeated the same action, and drank the water in the glass in one go.

Looking at the empty glass in his hand, Song Yao picked up the medicine bottle and got up, took out the half bottle in the drawer by the way, left the bedroom and walked slowly to the kitchen, poured a glass of water, and then took the medicine in the same way.Two pills, five pills, eight pills, more and more medicine was poured into his hands, and more and more water was drunk, Song Yao thought, after taking so much medicine this time, he must be able to fall asleep.

He knew that without sleeping pills, the feeling of loneliness would be like a shadow, and even if he fell asleep, he would be ruthlessly awakened by memories.

With his back against the refrigerator, he slid limply on the floor, listening to the breathing of the room.This posture squeezed the stomach that had drank a lot of water, making him feel uncomfortable, so he slowly lay sideways on the ground, cold, this is Song Yao's clearest feeling at this time.

He curled up little by little like a baby, and halfway through the movement, his stomach suddenly twitched, causing a dull pain. He drew his legs up so that his knees were against his stomach, and then hugged his knees with his hands.

"Mu Cheng, I have never been tired of loving you in my entire life, but I am really tired now..."

Dying struggle is the last tenacious resistance to death, a declaration of the last little right of life to the life that is about to end, and venting dissatisfaction with the dirty fate.Shuimuding once asked such a question: "If a person commits suicide, is there one more suicide person or one less suicide person in the world?" Who knows...

"Mu Cheng, I'm cold... I have a stomach problem again..." Song Yao screamed like a dying bird on a thorn, his eyelids became heavier and heavier, thinking that the medicine finally worked, it's so good, he can finally sleep well I feel it.Suddenly he felt someone hugging him behind him, holding him tightly. Although he couldn't feel the warmth, he knew that only Mu Cheng could hold him like this when he was cold or had a stomachache.

"Mu Cheng, I know it's you... hold me tight, don't let me go... please..." Tears flowed down the corners of Song Yao's eyes when Song Yao closed his eyes. He heard Mu Cheng say "OK", Just smiled contentedly...

The body gets colder and cooler until it is the same temperature as the floor.

To die is like water disappearing into water.

It was already two days later when Song Yao was discovered, it was Huai Yi'an who knocked on the door and no one answered, so he called the police.The police told Song Yao's family that he committed suicide by taking medicine. He looked very peaceful when he died, and he was smiling, but what was he laughing at?

Probably saw Mu Cheng seriously drawing in the sun, or saw Mu Cheng leaning on the car door waiting for him to get off work, saw him open his arms to him when he went out, or saw Mu Cheng wearing an apron The appearance of walking towards the bed with the grilled steak...

"Brother Song Yao, look, Mumu has a new partner. This is the sweet short that my father gave me yesterday. They get along very well." The picture shows a little milk cat lazily lying on the golden retriever.

"Brother Song Yao, are you very busy, why don't you reply to my messages..." A crying expression.

"Brother Song Yao, look how much Mu Mu loves Xiaoxiao. I named this Meikuan Xiaoxiao. It's really small." Send a small video of Meishu scratching a golden retriever but the golden retriever looks doting.

"Brother Song Yao, you haven't replied to my message for a long time..." After a few minutes, I sent another message, "Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking you for Mumu's living expenses, but you seem to have forgotten Mumu... with me..."

Unable to get the desired response, Xiao Yumeng could only go to Huai Yi'an.As soon as he entered the pet hospital, Mu Mu wagged his tail and ran in front of Huai Yian. Huai Yian bent over and stroked his head, and he was satisfied.Xiao Yumeng said shyly: "Doctor Huai, do you know where Brother Song Yao is? He seems to be very busy and doesn't reply to my messages."

Huai Yi'an was taken aback for a moment, then squatted in front of Mu Mu and stroked its fur affectionately, and said in a low voice, "He, died of illness."

Xiao Yumeng was startled, and opened her eyes with an unbelievable expression: "How is it possible? He saw Mumu's photo before and disliked Mu Mu for being fat. How could it be...he looks very healthy." He said with tears It fell down.

"Some illnesses can't be seen." Huai Yi'an kept her head down. Although she couldn't hear any emotional fluctuations in this sentence, she always felt that every word was very sad.

Xiao Yumeng sighed regretfully: "What a pity, he is so elegant and so young..."

"Yeah, he's only 26 years old, still so young..." His nasal voice was so heavy that it was impossible to tell that it was Huai Yi'an's voice.

The author has something to say:

Many people with depression can't see that they have depression. They can laugh more happily in front of others than anyone else, but when they are alone, they think about death every second.

I hope everyone can live in the sun and be treated tenderly by this world.

("I, Poor, have never been tired of loving you in my life." From Zweig's "Letter from a Strange Woman".)