To my dear Mr. Meng

一

Meng Qiansheng harbored some kind of hatred for his father.

He didn't know when his emotions started.Maybe it was the first time I heard his parents quarreling through the door, maybe it was his father who left him alone on the street with people coming and going, maybe it was his mother who dictated to him, and fell asleep at his desk when he was so tired, his father was drunk A voice came from outside the door, calling her name vaguely, saying to pour wine.

This unknown emotion is like the process of the feathered man growing wings in the legend. It became an unforgettable labor pain, which accompanied him throughout his childhood. He often woke up in the middle of the night because he dreamed that he had killed his father. He was afraid. I was so excited about this that I yelled out, which was heard by other ears.

When he woke up, he would often see the back of a pitch-black head, which was the back of He Yujun's head.

Meng Qiansheng didn't like He Yujun when he was a child, because whenever He Yujun came to the house, his mother was very kind to him, and Meng Qiansheng felt that the little love he got was eroded a little bit.But He Yujun always clings to him, and he doesn't know why, just like a bear likes to dig out bird eggs, he thinks that He Yujun may be out of an instinct that doesn't exist.

The other children said: "He Yujun always follows you, you are so majestic."

Meng Qiansheng was inexplicably proud. Afterwards, whenever a group of children went crazy together, he would unconsciously protect He Yujun.

He Yujun's mother urged him to study since he was a child, and he was beaten every time. When the other children were still covered in dust, He Yujun could already recite poems.He remembered that one day, He Yujun said proudly and mysteriously: "I know how you got your name. 'Sneak into the night with the wind, moisten things silently', did your auntie get it for you from a poem?"

He was a little contemptuous in his heart, and wanted to say that my mother had told me a long time ago, but seeing his earnest face, he didn't have the nerve to say it.At that time, he didn't know that the emotion that was limp like a cat's tail was called intolerance. He thought he was embarrassed, so he said, "Maybe."

He Yujun was happy all day because "I know a secret of Meng Qiansheng".

Probably from that day on, Meng Qiansheng didn't hate He Yujun anymore.As he grew older, He Yujun became more and more pleasing to his eyes, until he finally compared everyone else.

two

After learning of his mother's illness, he secretly cried all night.This was the first time he truly felt the existence of "life", and felt that this thing seemed to be against him deliberately.For a moment, he resented why the one who got this tragic fate was not his father.

But after seeing his father rubbing and massaging his mother in the hospital, he felt endlessly ashamed.At first, he was full of guilt, but as his father got more and more perfunctory, the guilt slowly dried up and turned into ashes.

He Yujun followed his mother to the hospital to visit him. At that time, he didn't dare to look at his mother for a long time. He would cry when he saw her, and his mother would cry.He was afraid of seeing his mother's tears, so he sat on the balcony with his back turned.

When He Yujun sat down beside him, Meng Qiansheng smelled something on him.

He couldn't tell what it was like, but he felt a rush of emotion, as if an animal had finally found the pile of straw that he had laid under him all night as a nest.When he was hugged by He Yujun, he felt that he had fallen into a straw-like dream, and couldn't help crying.

He Yujun didn't like to talk when he was a child, and adults always said that He Yujun was introverted.Meng Qiansheng knew that he was not shy, but sticky, as if he had just crawled out of a honey jar.Meng Qiansheng would occasionally be a little annoyed by his clinging, but before he could say it, He Yujun seemed to have discovered it, and would stay away from him for a while; it was so far away that he felt uncomfortable like a cat scratching in his heart, so he posted it again, over and over again. Complex, like tooth decay caused by eating sugar, sweet torture.

Meng Qiansheng often wanted to ask He Yujun if he could read minds, but then he thought this idea was stupid, so he just thought about it and never asked.

three

They grew bigger and bigger, Meng Qiansheng looked like his mother, He Yujun looked like his father, his expression was a bit cold when he was not smiling, and the adolescent child was arrogant for no reason, so he even showed an appearance of rejecting others thousands of miles away .But as long as he smiled, Meng Qiansheng seemed to see the glass under the warm light, which was shining and clean as hell.

The topics among the boys gradually faded away, and the eyes shifted from the gold and silver game cards to the girls' occasionally exposed shoulder straps.Sometimes when it comes to being embarrassed by each other, they just laugh tacitly, laughing until the blood is hot.Once Xu Miao said that when she was going upstairs, she bumped into a fat girl from class two and accidentally touched her chest.Very soft, he said, and then he laughed, and said, you don't know, the badger is still like a child, he hasn't grown up at all, next time he will trick him into the women's bathroom.

Meng Qiansheng suddenly became angry.But the politeness his mother taught him prevented him from yelling, so he said with a straight face: "If you treat him as a friend, don't bully him."

His anger was obvious, Xu Miao was stunned for a moment, and said, "I was joking. And it's nothing serious, just teasing him."

He ignored Xu Miao and left by himself.After school in the afternoon, He Yujun invited He Yujun to eat popsicles in sugar water. He carried a schoolbag with a popsicle in his mouth, and his body was clean, without any smell of sweat. He smiled like a docile animal: "Why did you suddenly invite me to eat popsicles?"

With an inexplicable apology, Meng Qiansheng said, "Eat more and grow taller."

He Yujun was startled, and then laughed, saying that you are so stupid, how can you grow taller by eating popsicles.

Meng Qiansheng felt that his merciless laughter was really hateful, but at the same time, she couldn't help laughing along with her.

That day there was a love letter in his schoolbag, which was written by his deskmate, but he didn't read it, his mind was full of He Yujun licking a popsicle.

four

Meng Qiansheng didn't like to get too close to girls, especially gentle girls, they always reminded him of his mother.Too similar aura made him panic, perhaps because he was afraid of confusing the real one with the real one.On the contrary, he loves gentle boys, who vaguely have the shadow of her mother, but also maintain a beautiful and appropriate sense of alienation, like viewing precious utensils through a glass bottle.

Because of his father's indifference and mother's dominance, He Yujun didn't have the natural aggressiveness of a male, and he liked him the most in this regard, so the two became closer.

He didn't even notice when He Yujun and Guan Ting got better.

He Yujun explained that because he accidentally knew that the fathers of both parties had business contacts, he often ran into her and gradually became acquainted with her.Meng Qiansheng was unhappy, but he didn't know why he was unhappy.He was like an animal whose territory had been violated, the smell of the uninvited guest made him irritable, but He Yujun came to pester him, and Guan Ting, the head of the court, muttered shortly.He deliberately kept He Yujun cold, seeing his dejected appearance, Meng Qiansheng's tongue was sour, with a hint of sweetness in it, and he couldn't help laughing secretly, but when facing He Yujun, he didn't forget to keep his face tight.

He felt like a bad guy.

五

Meng Qiansheng found out that she liked Zhan Xinlei a little bit, half a month after she joined the cheerleading team.

He didn't know if that counted as liking, he had never liked anyone.They had been in the training camp that day, and they only had 10 minutes to eat. She volunteered to take out the meal from the cafeteria, waited for him on the sidelines, and handed him dinner and mineral water. He saw a strand of thin and long black hair coming out of her braid, and the wind gently passed through his fingers, and the sweat in the fingers was like fluff scratching his heart.

He felt that after a while, when he really liked Zhan Xinlei, he might confess his feelings to her.

But this hazy light disappeared without a trace in He Yujun's words.

"I think you might as well like me."

Meng Qiansheng's heart skipped a beat.He wanted to pretend nothing happened, but his eyelashes trembled against his will, and he was sure He Yujun saw it too.

He said half-truthfully, "What are you talking about?"

The expression on He Yujun's face froze slightly, his own heart beat even more frantically, and his spine seemed to be pierced by an ice thorn.The approaching bus was like a savior. He gently pushed He Yujun: "The bus is here."

Does He Yujun like me?

This sentence was an empty question, and he didn't hear any objection in his mind.

He couldn't believe that He Yujun liked him, and he never thought that he liked He Yujun.

六

He Yujun is gay?

Thinking of these three words, Meng Qiansheng felt a strange discomfort in his heart.

When he was a child, he felt that homosexuality was disgusting, because he saw a man with his naked body on the way home from elementary school. The man grinned at him and pushed his crotch. to his face.He Yujun happened to be on sick leave that day, and his classmates dragged him away quickly, and after running a long way, he said out of breath, "That guy keeps walking around here, he's gay!"

This antipathy continued into his adulthood.When one day, he happened to know that homosexuality is not equal to exhibitionism, this antipathy dissipated silently.Sometimes he is curious about this strange mutual attraction between the same sex, and even has a kind of discovery pleasure spontaneously, but he knows that his pleasure is not out of understanding and respect, but like wanting to know how two snakes mate novelty.

He was unwilling to use this god-like scrutiny and observation to look at He Yujun.

Maybe I'm too careless.He thought that boys like to make such unreasonable jokes, just like Tang Yucai said the day before yesterday that he would marry him as his wife.

He thought about it all night and took the initiative to find many reasons for He Yujun, but at that time he never thought about why he only took He Yujun's words seriously.One night many years later, he dreamed that when he was studying, he couldn't help smiling when he thought of the tossing and turning himself back then, and then a kind of moonlight-like melancholy enveloped him.

Seven

Meng Qiansheng felt that He Yujun was very brave, more precisely, he was lonely and brave, just like a knight in a martial arts novel.

He Yujun stopped him in the middle of the road and said he liked him.Hearing these words, he felt that he had become an isolated island in the middle of the ocean, and He Yujun was the only bird that landed on this isolated island and cried alone.

If it were him, Meng Qian thought, he wouldn't say it.Even if you want to say it, it should be in the sound of clinking glasses at the wedding banquet more than ten years later, in a certain drunkenness in the middle of the night, it should become a loud congratulation and a raving in the belch.

The golden sunset coated He Yujun with a layer of fluffy edges. At first, he stubbornly pressed the corners of his lips tightly, pretending to be fearless, but when tears rolled out suddenly, the lip line immediately returned to a soft curvature.Meng Qiansheng couldn't express what he felt in his heart. He felt that it was difficult to express in any language.Just like a speck of dust, suddenly one day, the sun he had always envied said to him: "So you can also shine", and he realized that he was a twinkling star.

He was so happy that he didn't know what to do, but he was afraid that his happiness was only because he found that he was deeply loved.He still talked about homosexuality, but he didn't take it seriously in his heart.Even if He Yujun is gay, it is different from other gays.

Others are others, and He Yujun is He Yujun.

He wanted He Yujun to stop crying, the boy's tears were like a red-hot knife, cutting his heart like butter.

Eight

Many years later, Meng Qiansheng recalled the time when he was with He Yujun, and still felt that it was a dream, even though this person was still lying beside him.

He firmly believes that there is no perfect thing in this world, just like the priceless He's Bi will eventually disappear, he is a firm pessimist.

He often thinks of his mother in a nostalgic mood.

She is a romantic woman who believes in and loves all the beautiful things in this world, such as flowers and love.Enthusiastically pursued by his father, she rejected other suitors from better-off families, and even resolutely rejected the family arrangements, broke with her own family, and married Meng Qiansheng's father alone.When Meng Qiansheng was young, she often told him stories, and Meng Qiansheng listened quietly like listening to her telling other story books.She came back from a crowded train for several days and nights, penniless and unkempt, and when she got off the train it was early in the morning, before dawn, and there was a thick fog on the platform, but she found his father in the crowd at a glance.He is a tall and tall young man, holding a bouquet of flowers at a loss, as if afraid of crushing the delicate plants with too much force in his hands, and afraid of being hit by the passing crowd, he only dares to hold them gently, bowing his head from time to time examine.

She couldn't help laughing.

He spotted her immediately.She felt ashamed, she must look terrible.But he showed an ecstatic expression, struggling to push through the surging crowd, and embraced her and the dewy bouquet together in his arms, as if embracing the whole world.

When Meng Qiansheng recalled this story again, it was snowing outside, and he and He Yujun had just finished a fight.

nine

Wei Qiao asked him if He Yujun really reported his mentor, and he was taken aback.Wei Qiao asked strangely, you don't even know?

During the lunch break, he used his computer to log on to the forum of Zhengda University, and when he saw the post, he was immediately annoyed, as if he had seen He Yujun hit the wall with blood.Wei Qiao said that there is no way there will be a result, the National Political University will definitely suppress this matter, and Cha Pengyi has a background.He didn't see that He Yujun was still a passionate young man who upheld justice, so he smiled.But right now you are about to graduate, don't mess around, go back and persuade him.

Meng Qian said I know.

He is born with a deep understanding of the law of the jungle in society, has an innate vigilance, and is able to handle it with ease.It can be seen from the stepmother's indifference to him at the beginning to the unconscious concern for him later.

He Yujun didn't answer the phone, Meng Qiansheng asked for leave to go home, and was terribly angry at this kid's stubbornness. On the way, he had already decided that even if he used a tough attitude, he would force He Yujun to stop.Meng Qiansheng never felt that anyone has the ability to protect anyone, and people must protect themselves, just like animals. Humans are also animals in the first place, but they just put on a cloak of morality and law.

But when he saw He Yujun in the bedroom, he couldn't say anything.He Yujun stared at him silently, his expression was exactly the same as that of being stubborn when he was a child.

It is true that He Yujun doesn't talk much, and because he doesn't talk much, his eyes are lingering, and he is especially good at conveying affection.

Meng Qiansheng still didn't say anything in the end.It seemed to be a helpless compromise, and it seemed to be a little bit of hatred. He was determined to watch coldly, and He Yujun made a big somersault by himself, and it hurt, and then he knew not to walk by the river.

Meng Qian thought, anyway, she would support him.

Ten

An intern in an investment bank, if he doesn't have the resources, is nothing more than doing odd jobs. Meng Qiansheng just came out of the office for training and received a text message.

The text message was sent by an alumnus who hadn’t been in touch for a long time. They kept in touch with each other because of the event a long time ago, and the communication after the event was limited to group greeting text messages on holidays.

"I didn't expect you to be gay. You still have the nerve to stay at the University of International Trade. You have completely embarrassed the University of International Trade! Please delete my contact information. I feel disgusted."

Meng Qian was stunned for a moment, as if a pot of charcoal had been poured in from behind.

Then he deleted the text messages and contacts together, and pulled them into the blacklist.

Soon, Wei Qiao came to him anxiously and asked him what was going on, why did he keep saying that you and He Yujun were gay?

Meng Qiansheng said yes, I am.

Wei Qiao was terribly angry, saying that the forum is full of your personal information, do you know that you have been raped?I've said a long time ago, don't let He Yujun get into the muddy water, I don't care about your bad business!

He entered the forum of the University of International Business and Economics, and saw a screen full of reprinted posts and screenshots. The original post was posted at the Zhengda University next door and has been deleted.He found the forum administrator and said that this is my privacy, if you don't delete it immediately, I will report it immediately.

An hour later, those posts disappeared, but Meng Qiansheng continued to receive all kinds of insulting and teasing text messages and phone calls in the next few days.

He Yujun told him the new number, saying that his card was broken.Meng Qiansheng knew that he was lying, so he didn't have the heart to expose it. He thought He Yujun's justice was ridiculously childish, but also a little precious.He didn't want He Yujun to feel sorry for this, so he didn't change his number, so he had to meet one and block the other.

After half a month, it finally subsided slowly.But for a long time afterwards, he would still feel nervous unconsciously when he saw a strange call.

eleven

The slap of He Yujun's mother seemed to wake Meng Qiansheng out of his dream, and aroused his indelible fear of fading away his feelings.

Like a noose, every time he quarrels with He Yujun, the noose gets tighter.

Meng Qiansheng had a premonition that he would eventually be hanged and hung high on the city wall, but he was still unwilling to take his neck out of the ring.

twelve

Meng Qiansheng couldn't figure out why He Yujun loved drinking more and more.

He hates drinking.

thirteen

Feng Yanling and Xu Miao finally got married.

Back at the hotel at night, he felt that He Yujun seemed sad, but he didn't know why.He Yujun said, I really hope that I like you so much all my life.That was the first time he heard "a lifetime" from He Yujun's mouth, even though there was a subjunctive word in front of it.

He couldn't be more moved.It is rare to hear promises about the future from a pessimist like He Yujun.Feel terrified at the same time.When people usually say "hope", they usually express a state that does not exist or is not achieved.

That was the first time he thought that maybe his relationship with He Yujun would come to an end one day.

In the past, he really believed that the boat would go straight to the bridge.

fourteen

If it weren't for the fierce quarrel, sometimes Meng Qiansheng would almost forget that he still likes He Yujun.Like an old vase that has been on the cabinet for more than ten years, you have not paid much attention to it, until one day it was accidentally broken, and you remembered that you cherished it carefully when you first bought it.

It was also at this time that he noticed that Fang Wenqian liked him.

Fang Wenqian is a local with a good family background. She has an outgoing personality but is not as aggressive as Guan Ting. It is easy to talk to her.Meng Qiansheng doesn't like dull good people.

Feelings and love are sometimes like buying things. I don’t think which one is particularly good, but because of the comparison, the better the better, the worse the bad.Although Meng Qiansheng didn't want to compare He Yujun with anyone, but his brain couldn't control it, and the comparison had been done unconsciously against his will, and the result was in front of him, so he couldn't help but look at it.

He didn't understand why he always quarreled with He Yujun, and sometimes both sides disregarded face and attacked each other as viciously as possible.They are so familiar with each other that they can always find the most painful place in each other, and then stab it with a barbed knife.

He always thought that his pursuit of Fang Wenqian was just for fun, until it was raining that day, Fang Wenqian didn't bring an umbrella, and he sent her out to take a taxi after get off work, and he was surprised to find that his eyes stayed on her face for a long time.Fang Wenqian seemed to have noticed it too, and there was a faint certainty of victory in her smile.

He felt that he had been seen through, a little unhappy, but also a little happy.

He wants to prove that he is a normal person with the ability to love and be loved, but his attitude of devouring feelings is too greedy, and instead shows a sickness hidden in the shadows.

These are things he realized later.

fifteen

He Yujun didn't come back all night.

Meng Qiansheng thought that she had two moods: don't care, or leave him in a rage.But Meng Qiansheng didn't expect that although he was angry, he never thought of taking the opportunity to break up with him, and he didn't even mock him. He was slapped loudly by the words he said a while ago, "Don't let me know about three wives and four concubines outside." slap.

He Yujun apologized to him cautiously, Meng Qiansheng was suddenly sad and almost cried.

He didn't know what drove them to this situation, he couldn't see He Yujun wagging his tail and begging for mercy.He Yujun should be He Yujun's original appearance, will love him bravely, always with a little romantic innocence, even if this innocence makes him both love and hate.

Meng Qiansheng didn't even want to look in the mirror anymore, he felt his face was hideous.

He should break up with He Yujun, he thought.

sixteen

On the way to the hospital, he kept holding the sleeping pill box he had taken from the bedside table.

The 25-year-old vase on the cabinet finally broke, and the empty cabinet exposed the wall, which was blank.

Seventeen

From He Yujun's diagnosis of bipolar disorder to their complete separation for more than half a year, Meng Qiansheng often felt dazed when recalling this time.

He hardly recalled these days, and those painful memories would wear down his spirit and love for He Yujun.He tried not to think about it, until his memory was so blurred that he almost disappeared, and when He Yujun needed him again, he could stand up fearlessly again.

Meng Qiansheng never told anyone what he was thinking during that time, including He Yujun.For a moment, he had the vague feeling that he might have forgiven his father for his tiredness and indifference to his mother's deathbed.

Eighteen

Meng Qiansheng is not a saint. He admitted that he was liberated after he separated from He Yujun.When He Yujun is depressed, it is almost a black hole. You watch all your emotions being swallowed up in it, but it will never be filled.

It is a happy thing to fall in love with a normal person.

He and Fang Wenqian commute together, and are willing to wait for her to put on makeup for 10 minutes in the morning. The two try to travel together as much as possible. Fang Wenqian is tired of the taste of restaurants, so he goes to the kitchen to cook for her.Fang Wenqian said that she doesn't like to eat fish, because she was stuck with fish bones when she was a child, and always found it very troublesome to peel the bones, so every time he cooks fish, he slices the fish meat and chops fish balls, saving her the trouble of picking the bones.

Fang Wenqian was so touched that she couldn't help herself, and several of her close friends were envious and sighed again and again.So Fang Wenqian treated him even better, and even taught him how to cook and cook soup. He accidentally cut her finger several times, and he bandaged her with medicine. Seeing her crying with tears in her eyes, he decided not to let her learn it.

You don't have to do this for me, and you don't like it.He said.

She just laughed, I don't want to treat you better.

He was quite helpless, and tasted a sweet burden for the first time.

I treat you better, so you treat me better. If I want to get something, I have to give the same thing.Meng Qiansheng felt that such logic seemed a little strange, but he didn't say anything.

He always felt that what He Yujun said made sense.The love of two people is difficult to be equal. There is always one who gives more and the other less, but because they love each other, there is no need to care about how much they give; if love is measurable, that kind of love is probably a bit harsh.

He Yujun always likes to say that many feelings in this world are not love at all, but spiritual kidnapping.Meng Qiansheng had always thought that he was made nervous by his mother.

Nineteen

Fang Wenqian discovered that his relationship with He Yujun was because of the ring.

It turned out that Fang Wenqian had never asked how the ring on his hand came from. She probably thought it was just a decoration, because it was just a plain rose gold ring with no gemstones or engravings.

There is no lettering because He Yujun doesn't like it, he thinks it's silly.His name is only engraved on the dog tag, he said.

Meng Qiansheng had long said that his mouth was not forgiving.

At that time, Fang Wenqian had just moved to Meng Qiansheng's house not long ago, and she stayed in his room all day long, looking through his information bags and photo albums. When she loves someone, she can't help but want to know about his past.

Then she saw the photos of Xu Miao and Feng Yanling's wedding.The photos were taken very casually, they should be snap shots, and the lighting was not good. Many of them showed a young man and a young woman. Fang Wenqian guessed that these two people had a good relationship with the newcomer and Meng Qiansheng.There was a photo of the young man and the groom. The camera was very close and the details were clear. She found that the man was wearing a ring on his left hand that was exactly the same as Meng Qiansheng.

She re-read all the photos and found that every time this man appeared, he always stood with Meng Qiansheng.

Her blood was cold.

As soon as Meng Qiansheng came back, she threw all the photos in front of him.

twenty

Meng Qiansheng didn't expect Fang Wenqian to come back to him.

I heard that many bisexuals will have a more biased sexual orientation, some people prefer the same sex, and some prefer the opposite sex.Meng Qiansheng felt that he might be in the latter category, because he didn't seem to be interested in other men except He Yujun.

In fact, he is not sure whether he is really bisexual, but he did love He Yujun and Fang Wenqian.

The day Fang Wenqian arrived at his house was the weekend, and it was raining heavily. When he opened the door, she was completely wet, and there was a kind of resentful beauty under the lights.

She left the clothes she didn't take away for him to throw away. Before he had time, it came in handy again today.He asked her to take a hot shower, and she burst into tears holding the towel and clean clothes, saying Meng Qiansheng, I still love you.

He looked at her for a while, and coaxed, you go take a shower first, and then talk after you get out.

He didn't expect such a shrewd and capable girl to be so childish and cute in her relationship. He thought she would really make a clean break.Thinking of this, he couldn't help feeling hazy and gentle like lights on a rainy night.

He coaxed her for a good two hours that night.

In the end, she stopped crying and said, I want to know about you, so tell me the truth.

He agreed to be honest with his lover, so he told her.