To my dear Mr. Meng

Recently, Wen Zhuo and Yan Xiangyu are getting closer and closer. I have met them in the gallery several times. I don't know if they are really a couple, and I don't want to ask too much.In addition, Wen Zhuo didn't take the initiative to ask me to go out for a drink, so it was difficult for me to tease him.

Before the Spring Festival holiday, Meng Qiansheng came again, this time with big bags and small bags, as if he had moved all his belongings.I drove Guan Ting's car to pick him up and joked, "Are you moving?"

He was right.

My eyeballs almost popped out: "Are you kidding me. What about work?"

"Resigned."

"Where's the car?"

"sold."

"Didn't you say you bought a house?"

"It's sold too. The market is good and I made some money."

Before I could speak, he continued, "The last time I came here was for an interview, and it's been settled now. The financial situation has been sluggish recently, so I just jumped and changed the environment."

"Then where do you live?"

"Stay in a hotel for a few days first, find a suite, and go to work after the next year anyway."

I said: "How can it be so easy to find a house for a while? It was pure luck that I rented it when I came here. If you don't dislike it, you can live in my house. I can sleep on the sofa."

Meng Qiansheng agreed.

He originally said that I slept on the sofa bed in the living room, but he disagreed and said that he slept on it.As a result, after the bed was made, only three people slept on it, and the back was always empty, so one night, everyone tacitly put the set of bedding that had been neglected for a long time into the closet.

Years ago, Wen Zhuo called and asked me to visit his house.

As soon as he entered the door, there were suitcases scattered in the living room, clothes everywhere, Wen Baorong walked up and down on the blanket, and there was a huge bag next to the entrance, which was full of food and toys for him.I was taken aback by this battle and asked, "What are you doing, you want to move?"

"No. I have to go to Hong Kong to meet my dad during the Chinese New Year." He threw the clothes into the box, "It may take a month or two to go. I want to ask if you can help me take care of the cat for a while."

I asked, "Where is Yan Xiangyu?"

"It's Chinese New Year, he won't go home?" Wen Zhuo glanced at me with a smile, "If you don't like it, I'll send it to the pet store."

"No, I'll take it home, and I can hold it to warm my hands when it snows."

Wen Zhuo raised his eyebrows and smiled, saying that I had already guessed that you would agree.Wen Baorong jumped out of the room, took something in his mouth and put it down in front of Wen Zhuo, Wen Zhuo pushed it away impatiently: "Wen Baorong, don't bother me, go play with him!"

I went over to pick it up and found it was a rubber star.I suddenly remembered and asked, "Didn't you say you wanted to give me something? I haven't seen it for half a year."

He looked up strangely: "When did I say that?"

"Don't lose your memory and deny it. You said it yourself when you were in Qinghai, and you will give me a gift when you come back."

"Oh, yes." He put down his things and walked up to me, and suddenly kissed me on the cheek, "Send you a sweet kiss."

"roll!"

Wen Zhuo laughed loudly: "I wanted to give you two slaps, or do you really want two slaps?"

I threw the star on his head and bounced it far away. Wen Baorong swiftly rushed over to pick it up, put it under Wen Zhuo's feet, and waited for it to come again with his tail shaking.Wen Zhuo pushed it aside, and scolded with a smile: "Go, whoever plays with you, I will be beaten, and you don't know how to help me. It's a waste of money."

At four o'clock, Wen Zhuo said to send me back, throwing the heavy cat box and big bags into the trunk, Wen Zhuo put on Wen Baorong's dog-walking harness and rope, and he followed obediently, looking like a small dog. dog.Wen Zhuo smiled and said: "It can be taken out for a walk, don't hold it all the time, it weighs more than ten pounds, and your hands are tired."

Meng Qiansheng has been looking at the real estate advertisements every day recently, and today he went out to look at the houses again, and he is not at home.As soon as he entered the door, Wen Zhuo looked around, and immediately noticed the clue, and asked in surprise, "Are you living with someone?"

"Yes."

"Who?" He frowned, "It can't be your old friend, okay? He broke up?"

I hummed vaguely.He admired: "After talking for ten years, it is different. There are three catties of nails in a bad boat."

I laughed and scolded: "A dog can't spit out ivory, get out of here."

He hurried back to pack his things and didn't sit for long, so I took him to the elevator.Wen Baorong went back to the house and sorted out Wen Baorong's things. He quickly adapted to the new environment. He didn't bark or make noise, but he just circled around my feet at any time, forcing me to lock the door when I went to the toilet.

I went to the kitchen to cook, and Wen Baorong followed suit.I was chopping vegetables on the countertop, and it was big. It stood up with its two front paws, and it could still show its head, sniffing around on the table.

Meng Qiansheng came back after six o'clock, and called me as soon as he entered the door: "I went to see a new building today, a large apartment of 180 square meters, I think it's not bad, let's see what—"

He stopped talking suddenly, and when I turned around, Wen Baorong stretched out his claws and pulled out a piece of chicken from the pile of cut chicken on the cutting board, and stuffed it into his mouth.

"Wen Baorong, get out for me." I just ordered the food and couldn't move my hands, "Do me a favor and get it out."

Seeing a stranger, Wen Baorong immediately retreated to the ground.Meng Qian asked: "Where did it come from so big... Is this a cat?"

"My friend's cat. He went to Hong Kong for a while and asked me to take care of it. Don't bite people, you get him out, don't let him come in and make trouble."

Meng Qiansheng became interested, knelt down and patted Wen Baorong's head: "What's your name?"

"Wen Baorong."

Meng Qian laughed: "There are names and surnames."

I laughed and said, "Its owner is crazy."

Meng Qiansheng stretched out his hand to hug, but Wen Baorong slipped out by himself.

After the holiday, I accompanied Meng Qiansheng to see a few real estate projects and bought some new year's goods. The few days before the new year's end passed by in such a muddled manner.With the addition of a big man like Wen Baorong, especially when he spread out on the floor, the house felt crowded.I joked: "No big house really can't fit it."

Meng Qian just laughed, rubbed its head, and Wen Baorong flicked its tail lazily.

Somehow, taking care of it somehow became Meng Qiansheng's job.I only fed it once, but it wasn't full yet. It ran around the room with the licked canned food on its head. Meng Qian said in a low voice that it would eat the amount of Wei Qiao's cat in a day for one meal.After a few days, Wen Baorong got to know him well, and started to follow him around every day; whenever he wanted to play, he would go to the room with his favorite little bell in his mouth to look for him.

No wonder Wen Zhuo thought it was annoyingly sticky.

It was past ten o'clock in the evening on New Year's Eve, and I thought Wen Zhuo was probably at home, so I sent him a message: "Your Wen Baorong is really clingy."

He replied quickly: "Don't get used to it, or it will depend on you all day long."

"How are you doing in Hong Kong?"

"Where can I go during Chinese New Year? I'm so bored."

"Then come back early after you finish your work. There is a new restaurant opened next to Jinhua Park. It tastes good. I invite you to eat."

"Okay, dare to deny it and see if I don't deal with you."

"How's the weather in Hong Kong?"

"It's very humid and raining. Isn't it snowing again at home?"

I said yes, and found the photo of Wen Baorong playing in the snow by the window that was saved in my phone yesterday and sent it.He said: "Damn, I really miss celebrating the New Year with you last year."

I said, "Fart, last year you were obviously chic in Japan."

"I remember, didn't I come back on the tenth day of the lunar new year? It's a year before the first month."

This bastard is really no match for anyone.

On the morning of the sixth day, Meng Qiansheng was busy in the kitchen. I came out of the bathroom and went to drink water in the kitchen. As expected, Wen Baorong squatted at his feet again.I looked at the pot on the stove and asked, "Today is the chicken stew?"

"Yes, I can make chicken noodles for you at night. Didn't you say you wanted to eat it?"

I thought about it, and I seemed to have said this: "I forgot, I said it casually at the time, do you still remember?"

He smiled and said, "Then what do you want to eat?"

I said, "Then let's eat chicken shredded noodles."

Turning back to the bedroom, it took a long time to find the phone from under the quilt, and when he opened it, there were five missed calls, all of which were from Yan Xiangyu.Puzzled, I dialed back and was picked up immediately. Yan Xiangyu was crying out of breath on the phone, and my heart suddenly jumped wildly.

What's the matter?I asked him first, as if nothing bad would happen if I asked him out.

Yan Xiangyu's crying sounds trembling through the wind and snow of the entire ice field, saying that Wen Zhuo committed suicide.

I froze in place for a moment, as if I had been tied to a stone and thrown into the sea, and I couldn't hear anything for an instant.

This joke is not funny at all, I don't know if I said it or not.

Please come quickly, Yan Xiangyu is crying like he's about to die, I'm in the funeral home, I'm in the funeral home, I'm scared.

When I was putting on clothes, my limbs were trembling uncontrollably. When I was putting on shoes, I bumped into the shoe cabinet, knocked over a small vase on it, and the pale porcelain shattered all over the floor.Meng Qian immediately came out of the kitchen after hearing the sound: "What's the matter, are you hurt?"

"It's okay." His voice was so choked that it was difficult to speak, "I'm going out for a while."

When Meng Qiansheng saw my expression, his expression changed: "What happened?"

"I'm going to see a friend of mine."

"I'll accompany—"

"No need." I slammed the door and ran to the elevator.

Son of a bitch.

I gripped the phone tightly, my fingers hurt, I could clearly hear my teeth chattering in my ears, I clenched my teeth, my gums were as weak as foamed floating soil, and rotten tree roots trembled from above, moaning break away.

There was an overwhelming tsunami in my mind, with so many voices and so many emotions, but they were instantly swallowed into the endless night.

Pushing open the taxi door, the cold wind and heavy snow hit my eyes.The wind is like a steel knife, which is inserted through the eye sockets resolutely, making the body bloody and bloody, and the smell of rust that does not exist in the nose, I bent down subconsciously, and almost vomited it out.

For a long time I couldn't remember what a funeral home looked like.

Why are there so many white lights inside?I walked through a string of lamp shadows, and my body had become a pile of cold minced meat.Standing alone outside the door, weeping uncontrollably, full of ugliness, I couldn't focus my eyes, walked up to me, tried my best to open my eyes wide, only to realize that this person was Yan Xiangyu.

He seized my arm, and wept with increasing despair, reminiscent of some bereaved animal moaning.

His cry echoed in the air, maybe it was someone else's cry, I couldn't tell the difference.

Yan Xiangyu finally stopped, almost my entire sleeve was wet by him, he said hoarsely: "He...he is inside, you go and have a look. Please look at him."

I was afraid to see him, and wanted to see him so much.

What I had in mind then was one afternoon when I wanted to use his car on a whim, but he couldn't drive a Ferrari, and he was sitting in the passenger seat with sunglasses on, calling me stupid as a pig, and telling me which button was where.Later, I put the top cover back and opened it to the outskirts of the city. The gust of wind tore all his laughter and cursing into pieces, like a wisp of curling cloud in the sky.It was an afternoon in late April, the best time of spring.

Finally, I heard myself say, I don't watch.

The memory after that is a big blank.

I walked to Wen Zhuo's house, the door was open, two policemen stood at the door, saw me, one of them asked: "Are you a friend of the deceased?"

I seem to nod, but also like not.

"The body has been sent to the funeral home, and we have contacted the family members, waiting for the family members to come back."

I don't want to listen to them, the smell of smoke and heat on them makes me sick, and a worm crawls down my throat.

The room is always well lit, and the glass everywhere is as clear as new, but now the gloomy light is pouring in, so bright that people hardly dare to look directly at it.The furniture is covered with gray dust covers, as if the heartless owner thought of finishing his cigarettes before leaving, and went out to a convenience store outside the community to buy a pack, and they are here waiting to be packed into the trunk , Go to a warm place to wander.

There is only a bouquet of white roses in the large glass vase on the coffee table, which are blooming just right, and each flower is in full bloom.

"Son of a bitch."

After only cursing such a sentence, tears have already rolled onto the clothes.

Son of a bitch.Didn't you say you went to Hong Kong?

What's wrong with Hong Kong, it snows heavily here every day, and you stay in the bathroom without the heater, aren't you cold?

After walking for two and a half hours, my whole body was covered in snow, and my eyelashes were so heavy that I couldn't lift them up. Every time I took a breath, I felt a severe pain in my chest.I couldn't walk anymore, so I squatted down on the side of the road, and after 10 minutes, I finally stopped a taxi.

The master driver reminded me to shake off the snow on my body. I heard it, but I didn't move.The heating quickly melted the snow, and it was cold and clammy, burrowing into my heart like crazy.

A long time ago, on such a snowy night, Wen Zhuo and I were drinking in the bedroom.He was in a good mood that day and made an exception to let Wen Baorong into the bedroom, jumped on his bed, passed me, jumped off the bed again, and ran to him who was sitting on the floor by the window.Wen Zhuo stroked Wen Baorong's belly, the big cat purred comfortably, like boiling a pot of water, and bright red flames danced in the room.

"When I was in America, I really liked the snow," he said, looking out the window.

"Why, a holiday when it snows?"

"No. Because I couldn't make friends there, and I only drank and clubbed with foreigners. I couldn't talk to each other, and I didn't have anything to say when I walked on the road. I felt very sad. I saw everyone happy, and I felt like a freak. I always feel very lonely and out of place with others, including when I am with Chinese people. Only when it snows, people don’t chat on the road, they just walk with their heads down, because if I open my mouth, the snow will choke my throat. In this way, I feel that I don’t look good So weird."

"I like snow days too," I said.

"Why?" He turned around suspiciously.

"I am easily influenced by others. When it snows, you are usually in a good mood. When you are in a good mood, I will be happy. For example now."

He looked at me for a while, then suddenly smiled and said, "You are such a fool."

"Take these medicines every day, maybe in ten years I will really be a fool."

"Then so am I."

We laughed, and Wen Baorong shook the tip of his tail for no apparent reason.

It was already night when we got home, and as soon as Meng Qiansheng opened the door, Wen Baorong squeezed out from his legs and looked up at me.My tears came down all at once.

Meng Qiansheng hugged me: "What's the matter, something happened to your friend? Come in and change clothes."

"He's dead." I choked out.

Meng Qian was stunned in place.

"Suicide, cut wrists."

Meng Qian was speechless for a while, and silently held my hand.I wiped away my tears and calmed down: "I'm going to change my clothes."

There was no light in the bedroom. Meng Qian followed in and stood at the door. The light from the living room penetrated a little, and there was only the sound of clothes rubbing against each other in the half-light. He asked softly, "Are you tired? Have you eaten?"

"No."

"I'll bring it in for you."

"Thank you."

I sat on the floor next to the bed in a daze, and vaguely heard the sound in the kitchen, as if it came from another world.After the movement disappeared, he came in with a bowl, and I told him not to turn on the light, so he came straight in and squatted beside me: "Take two bites."

The heat from the chicken noodle made my eyes hurt.After eating a few mouthfuls indiscriminately, I put down my chopsticks: "I have no appetite."

He took it and put it on the bedside table, still holding my hand.Wen Baorong walked in quietly, squatted beside me, and I patted its head.

"Is that friend of yours who had the accident the owner of Baorong?" He asked softly.

"Ah."

"What do you want to say, you can tell me."

"I don't know what to say." I said, "I dare not go in to see him today, I always feel that he is still in Hong Kong. It's too sudden. Bastard, why did you lie to me? I don't want to raise a cat for him, let him Come back quickly and get his cat."

Meng Qiansheng handed the tissue to my hand, and I covered my eyes, enduring the pain in my lungs sore that I didn't let the tears roll out of my eyes.The right wrist on the leg sank slightly, and then there was a furry touch. Wen Baorong put one of his front paws on it, and looked at me.

I sniffed and said, "Wen Baorong, Wen Zhuo really doesn't want you this time."

Hearing his name, it shook the tip of its tail.

"We met in the hospital, and he's also bipolar," I said.

Meng Qian silently tightened my hand.

"He has already cut down on his medicine, and he is so happy every day. I really thought he would be fine... Now that I think about it, is he really happy when he is happy, or is it because of mania, I don't even know."

Meng Qian hugged me in a low voice, and I said, "Go ahead, I want to sit by myself for a while." He didn't move, and I let go of his hand, "I'm really fine."

He kissed me on the forehead: "Call me anytime you want." After speaking, he took the bowl and went out, but Wen Baorong didn't leave, and sat down next to me.

I asked, "Do you miss him?"

No one answered.The strong wind hit the glass, and the heavy snow under the street lamp was golden, like the crumbs of countless stars.

At night, Meng Qiansheng was sleeping on the sofa bed in the living room. The floor lamp in the corner of the bedroom was turned on before he went to bed, and the brightness was turned to the lowest level. There was a blur of light and shadow, and a page of an old book that was curled up and curled up.The body seems to be a closed container filled with liquid, something is surging inside it, but it just doesn't make any sound.

I turned on my laptop and tried my password several times before I got into my Facebook.I hardly ever use it, the last time I logged in was to perfunctory Wen Zhuo and add friends.

Wen Zhuo's profile picture popped up, the most recent one was two days ago in the early hours of the morning.

Feb. 2: "I wrote a timed email and now I kind of regret it, like an idiot."

February 2: "I'm going to wipe out all the 1 and 20 year olds in the world. It's annoying."

January 1: "He Yujun's cell phone was turned off, and I wanted to make a midnight call to scare him. Next time, I will trick him into turning it on at night."

January 1: "Wen Baorong, are you a dog? When will the problem of welcoming the door and waiting for my return be corrected? Don't bang your head on the door!"

January 1: "I dreamed of registering my marriage with He Yujun! Woke up in the middle of the night."

December 12: "Fools think I don't know, but I do. Happy birthday."

December 12: "Second Christmas Eve with Wen Baorong. Two years ago I could carry it in my bosom, but now I am a pig."

The picture is a group photo of him and Wen Baorong.

Wen Baorong stood up suddenly, squeezed into my arms, leaned close to the screen, and meowed softly.Seeing that there was no response, it yelled again, its paws pressed against the screen, its ears were erect, as if it was waiting for someone to call it.I put my arms around it and asked, "If he won't come back to pick you up, will you miss him?"

Wen Baorong didn't speak.

The phone vibrated, and I took it out of my pocket. It was already one o'clock in the morning of NO.14.The mailbox reminded me that there was an unread email, and I was about to turn off the phone when I caught a glimpse of the screen from the corner of my eye, and my heart sank suddenly.

I opened that unread email.

"He Yujun:

This is timed mail, don't panic.This is not my suicide note, don't show it to others, I just want to find someone to say a few words casually.I usually tell Wen Baorong about it, but now it enjoys happiness with you, I am so bored.You are really stupid. If I say I will go to my dad, you will believe me.After my mother passed away, I stopped communicating with him. How could I go to him?In fact, I was going back to Hong Kong to visit my mother's grave. I only saw her once, and it was when I first returned to China, and I felt sorry for her.

"I told Yan Xiangyu about my illness, but he still came to pester me, saying that he would treat me better than you. What kind of ecstasy did you give him? You threw me at the bar, scraped my car, He even vomited on my car once, and if that kid dared to vomit on my car, I immediately skinned him! I didn’t bother with you for the sake of taking care of me when I was sick, so it was evened.

"Last time when I went to a follow-up visit, I asked the doctor about your condition, but he didn't tell me about your condition. It was really annoying. He knew that we were friends. And he added back the dose of my medicine. I don't want to take so much, or Take the same amount as before. I can’t figure out how you endured it. You are a fool after taking the medicine. I don’t know whether I am alive or dead. Do, you said that you will die alone, and with so many side effects of psychotropic drugs, you might die in your 40s. I think so do I.

"I really can't bear to go on like this. When I'm happy, I wonder if I'm having a manic episode. When I'm depressed, I don't know if I'm really sad or I'm in a period of depression. My brain is lying to me, and my emotions are fake. , I was being played all over the place, this feeling is so fucking bad.

"No one can experience this feeling. The doctor will only talk to you about the dosage and side effects, and care about whether you have hallucinations, insomnia and self-harm. The psychological counselor pretends to say 'I can understand your feelings'. You are so uncomfortable that you hit the wall , they will only say that you are sick, just take the medicine, normal people will never know why I feel so lonely, why I suddenly want to cry when driving halfway, and want to hit the accelerator when I see a truck passing by I am much better now. When I was sick in the United States, I went to the emergency department three times in the middle of the night. I kept talking to myself when I was hospitalized. I saw my mother and friends from China come to visit me and told the doctor that someone was hunting me down in the school. , so I drove dozens of kilometers and ran through more than a dozen red lights in order to go to the supermarket to buy a knife for self-defense. The doctors and nurses tied me to the bed and left me alone in a ward. Someone came to save me, anyone is good, I am grateful to him for the rest of my life. I don't want to die in a place where no one knows me, and I am afraid that my mother will never see me again. So I heard you later that you don't blame you at all Your boyfriend left with someone else, because he was always with you when you were sick, I think I can understand that feeling.

"Maybe it's because the two of us are sick friends. I think you seem to know what's going on in my head. When I'm manic, I always fantasize about saving the world. When you're manic, you just spend money indiscriminately. It's too childish. You say You have always felt that living in this world is meaningless, let alone meaningless. As soon as I am depressed, I can experience any emotion you mentioned, which is exactly what I think. I find it amazing, as if our thoughts can communicate. Because of this, I think, I want to tell you everything later, only you can see what I see, like a secret that only two people in the world know, very childishly happy.

"I gradually realized that I might like you a little bit, but I don't know if this is an illusion given to me by my brain. I can't sleep at night, I can't help thinking about these messy things, sometimes I want to call you, and I’m afraid I’ll scare you in the middle of the night. When I go downstairs, Wen Baorong will get up and follow me. If I don’t sleep, he won’t sleep. Sitting next to me and yawning, it’s very funny. Do you think cats suffer from mental illness if they suffer from long-term insomnia?

"Occasionally I feel like I can barely live like this, but for this occasion, I have to live like a monster on drugs for the rest of my life, and stay with false emotions, and I feel that I can't stand it for a second. I didn't You are brave. Just throwing Wen Baorong to you like this, I don’t know if it will annoy you. If you don’t want to raise it, take it to euthanasia by injection. I don’t want others to treat it badly. If you decide to euthanize, I hope you I can be with it, the time before dying is very lonely, I don't want it to be like me.

"I don't know what I wrote, because I haven't closed my eyes for almost seventy hours. You can laugh, I can't hear it anyway, and I won't be angry with you this time. If I really live one day, I hope Can love this world well, and love you.

PS I put a bouquet of white roses in your favorite vase in the living room, for you.Happy Valentine's Day. "