Spring Summer Autumn Winter

This winter vacation, Yang Siyuan was a little annoying.

In the past, there were hardly any relatives at home during the Chinese New Year. At best, it was just a symbolic New Year’s Eve dinner with grandparents at home, so he has always been unable to understand the emotions of other people who annoy their relatives as soon as the Chinese New Year comes. After all, his family It's all pretty quiet.

But this year he really felt it.

His stepfather-to-be, Liu Cheng, has a huge number of brothers and sisters in his family. When Yang Siyuan was taken to eat, he felt like he was in Jia's mansion. This uncle and that aunt forgot after calling, and he had to be asked if he forgot. , He didn't even feel that his brain was so insufficient in the college entrance examination.

But fortunately, apart from being overly enthusiastic, the Liu family was very reasonable and took good care of him as a new member of the family. They didn't make things difficult for him at the dinner table, and even gave him many gifts.

This kind of atmosphere between relatives is different from studying and working. He can't do it with ease, and some are only cramped and nervous, but he doesn't want to spoil everyone's happiness, so he can only endure it until midnight, and he doesn't feel relieved until the way back. in one breath.

"What's wrong?" Chen Limei asked.

Yang Siyuan shook his head: "It's nothing, I'm not used to this kind of occasion."

"Hey, I'm getting used to it slowly. There will be more meals like this when I work in the future. Besides, it's easier at home. In society, eating with your boss and colleagues is called torture."

Yang Siyuan didn't want to talk about work during the Chinese New Year, so he kept silent and took a few heavy-looking bags from Chen Limei.

"Aren't you going to live with him during the Chinese New Year and return to our house?" He asked casually.

Liu Cheng is a very honest but hardworking person. He owns a printing factory with good profits, and his family is still very rich. He has a house and a car, and his conditions are much better than theirs.

Chen Limei rubbed her wrists and said with a smile: "At such an advanced age, what do you still care about? He has something to do these two days and has to go to another place."

"Oh……"

Chen Limei glanced at Yang Siyuan's absent-minded look, and didn't know what he was thinking.It seems that she has been unable to see Yang Siyuan's thoughts since a long time ago.

"Hey." She touched Yang Siyuan and asked, "You're almost graduating, why haven't you talked about a girlfriend yet?"

Sure enough, even if the relatives I just met didn't ask, this question must be asked anyway.

There is no girlfriend, but there is a boyfriend who has been talking for half a year.

Yang Siyuan really wanted to say that, that he had a lover, that he loved Li Yu'an.

But he couldn't help it, now was not the time, Chen Limei definitely couldn't accept it now.In fact, he was already prepared that Chen Limei would never accept it, but even so, he would never let it go.

The answer has been rehearsed several times in his mind, and he pretended to be distressed and said: "Ah... I don't like anyone, and I don't like me."

It was very cold at night, and the exhaled white air gathered in front of my eyes, whitening the lights in the distance, making it blurry, like a charade.

Chen Limei didn't seem to really care about this question, she just smiled: "There is no such thing as the right one, why don't you take the initiative, you are a big boy, you can't let other girls speak first."

"Furthermore." Yang Siyuan said perfunctorily.

The topic ended, and the two of them had nothing to say, and went home in silence all the way.

It was almost twelve o'clock when we got home, Chen Limei was tired all day, after a hasty wash, he went directly to sleep, and didn't have any communication with him.

Exactly what he wanted.

The clothes on his body were stained, so he changed casually, then took his mobile phone and ran out secretly.

He had agreed with Li Yu'an before that he would spend the night of New Year's Eve with him.

There were only a few minutes left in the day, and Li Yuan was still waiting for him in that small house.

He used to run like this at night, listening to the wind whistling beside his ears, chasing the flickering light ahead.It's just that when I was young and ignorant, I only knew that what I was looking for was Li Yu'an.But now that time passed, and he was an adult, he realized that what he was looking for was actually the rest of his life.

It's been a long time since he ran, and he just ate some food. When he got to the door, he was a little out of breath.The cold air invaded the trachea, cutting his flesh and blood like a frozen knife.

The door was unlocked, and he rushed in before he could hold his breath, "Yu An!"

The room seemed to have been carefully cleaned up, and it was no longer covered with a layer of dust like before.There were two bowls on the table, probably because they were afraid of getting cold, so they covered them with plates.

Li Yu'an was leaning against the head of the bed, clutching the phone tightly in his hand, closing his eyes, as if he was asleep.

The head of the bed is so hard that my neck hurts after a short sleep.Yang Siyuan walked over with light steps, took off his glasses, embraced his body, and gently placed him on the bed.

His movements are already very light, but Li Yuan's sleep has always been very light, and he can wake up with just a little movement.

He opened his eyes in a daze, and when he saw Yang Siyuan in front of him, he lost all sleepiness in an instant.

"I'm awake. I'm sorry I kept you waiting." Yang Siyuan kissed his forehead and said softly.

"No, not for a long time." As he spoke, Li Yu'an moved his body to get up as if to prove something, but his legs were so numb that he couldn't use any strength.

Seeing him like this, Yang Siyuan felt even more guilty. He was not good at hiding his emotions when facing Li Yu'an, so he would inevitably show his thoughts in his eyes.

"Uh..." Li Yu'an hated his attitude the most. "It's really not long. It's cold to run here, go and have some soup."

Yang Siyuan looked back at the two bowls on the table, not knowing what to say.

Finally he complied, got out of bed and sat down at the table.Li Yu'an propped himself up and looked at him, as if waiting for some response.

He took down the plate, no heat came out, and covered the porcelain bowl with his hand, it was only as cold as porcelain.

How long does it take for a bowl of hot soup to cool completely, and how long does it take for one person to wait for the other person to fall asleep?

The porcelain bowl seemed to have some magical power, sticking to his palm, greedily absorbing his body temperature.

His heart ached, but he still pretended to smile relaxedly: "It tastes delicious just looking at it."

Li Yu'an first smiled slightly, then seemed to think of something, and quickly said, "Is it cold? I'll go and warm you up." He wanted to get out of bed, but his legs were still numb as if eaten by insects , and threw him back again.

Yang Siyuan's hand holding the bowl strengthened a bit, and even pressed a few grooves on it.

He suppressed the soreness in his heart, and said with a smile: "Warm, just right."

Then he took a big gulp.

He loves beef, and Li Yu'an made beef soup for him.

This is a man who always remembers every detail, even if he never pays attention to it himself.

He knew why Li Yuan could remember so clearly.One is because he loves him, and the other is because he only has him.

In this lifetime, he only needs to remember everything about Yang Siyuan alone.

The cold soup flowed down the throat and esophagus, and finally fell into the stomach, bringing him a chill from the inside out.

The soup, which is at the same temperature as cold water, has lost a lot of its mellowness, and the salty taste has been accumulated more obviously, which overwhelms the aroma of the beef.But he is sure that this is the best soup he has ever had since he was a child.

He smacked his lips, licked his lips again, looked at Li Yu'an contentedly and said, "Sweet."

But Li Yu'an was still frowning, wondering if the soup had cooled down. At this moment, his legs had just regained consciousness, so he wanted to come down to test the temperature.

Yang Siyuan knew what he was thinking at a glance, wiped his mouth and threw him on the bed again.

"It's really fragrant, try it."

What Li Yu'an tasted was indeed warm, warmed by Yang Siyuan's mouth.

Yang Siyuan kissed him, not forgetting to gently stroke his cheek.In the past six months, Li Yu'an probably finally knew how to take good care of himself. He gained a lot of weight, and finally had some flesh on his face. He looked much healthier than before.

After the deep kiss was over, Li Yu'an grabbed Yang Siyuan's hand that was reaching into his clothes, and urged, "Go to sleep, you have to go back early to open the door tomorrow."

Yang Siyuan pinched his waist, reluctantly pulled his hand out, and covered him tightly with his clothes.

"I miss you so much, I miss you so much." He buried himself in Li Yuan's neck, murmuring to himself. "The Chinese New Year is too busy, I don't want to celebrate the New Year, I don't have time to accompany you..."

Li Yu listened quietly, unable to make any answer.

Indeed, since the winter vacation, the time they spend together has been much shorter than before. Most of the time, Yang Siyuan is busy with messy things at home, and there is no chance to find him in the city.

He can fully understand Yang Siyuan, but the Spring Festival is really a special day, and they should be reunited, but Yang Siyuan can't stay with him, he can only spend this day alone.

Although he has gone through this more than twenty times, but after he has worried about it, he still feels different after all.So when Yang Siyuan proposed that he would come to him in the middle of the night, he couldn't refuse.

Yang Siyuan missed him, and he missed Yang Siyuan too.

Even though they were in the same city, they acted like a long-distance relationship.Obviously they really love each other, but they can't embrace each other in the sun.

When this kind of day comes, all kinds of sufferings that are usually negligible will surge up together, and the joy and joy of the festival will make it even more desolate.

He gently rubbed Yang Siyuan's hair, and said softly, "Go to sleep, it's too late."

Yang Siyuan didn't move, just rubbed back and forth, like a cat that has been wandering for a long time and finally found its owner.

"Yuan." He called Li Yuan.

"Ok?"

"You Wait for me for a while, and when the time is right, I will confess to my mother."

Li Yu'an froze, and the movements of his hands stopped immediately.

To be honest, he never thought about his future with Yang Siyuan.Because of Chen Limei's attitude towards him, but also because of her own confusion,

He has always held a mentality of taking one step at a time, as long as he is still in love with Yang Siyuan tomorrow, then he is already very satisfied.But at the same time, he is also prepared to lose Yang Siyuan in a certain "tomorrow".

He doesn't think they can grow old hand in hand like a husband and wife, it's too extravagant, and it can't be done just by loving each other.

When Yang Siyuan asked him if he would marry him or marry him before, he didn't think of this level. There are so many beautiful fantasies between lovers. Marriage and being together for a lifetime are probably the promises every couple has made.

He just regarded it as a way for Yang Siyuan to express his love, and as for "marriage", it was just his own wishful thinking.

So when Yang Siyuan said he was going to come out, his mind went blank, and he didn't have a single word that could be used as an appropriate response.

He had no choice but to remain silent, forcing himself to understand that sentence.

But Yang Siyuan couldn't hear the response, so he naturally thought that he had an opinion, so he couldn't help being a little flustered, and when he raised his head, there was obvious anxiety in his eyes.

"I...I will definitely try to speak as soon as possible, but my mother...you know, she is too reserved, I...I can't now...otherwise she will definitely separate us..."

Li Yuan looked into his eyes and felt like a child who dropped a vase and apologized to his mother.

But what is he sorry for himself?

It was he who opened his heart, he was the one who came back from a long distance, he was the one who confessed in tears, he was the one who took care of himself, and he was the one who came to accompany him in the cold wind on New Year's Eve...

He just needs some time to come out, and he just wants to spend his life seriously with himself.

But as for myself, I only have the awareness of "I am drunk today when I have wine".

Really... let him down.

He hugged Yang Siyuan's shoulders tightly, stared into his dark but shining eyes, and said with the same serious tone: "Well, I'll wait as long as I want."

One year, three years, five years, ten years, 20 years... I will wait until I die, as long as you still love me.

……

After the year, they finally had some leisure. After Chen Limei went to work, Yang Siyuan had more time to find Li Yu'an. There were not many days before the start of school, which meant that they would soon face separation again.

Sometimes he holds Li Yu'an in his arms, imagining that he is this good-looking and distressing person in front of him, substituting into his life, two o'clock and one line every day, no friends to chat with, no playing games or watching TV, I bought it a few days ago The computer is only used for writing articles, three meals a day are always the same, and at night I fall asleep with the quilt in my arms.

If he was the one who lived this kind of life, he would go crazy.

How did Li Yuan get here all these years?

And until they can be together openly, this kind of life still has to continue.

Every time he thinks of this, Yang Siyuan has the urge to throw everything at his fingertips and come out immediately.

His idea at the beginning was to be financially independent first, let Chen Limei know that she could no longer control his life, and then subtly let her understand that the times have changed, homosexuality is not a disease and there is nothing wrong, and finally he told her that he and Li Yuan thing.

Well planned, step by step step by step, the probability of success is better than coming out, but... how long will it take?

They had missed each other for four years, and he didn't want to waste every second of it.

Reason told him that he could not come out directly, but he had to speed up the progress.

On the eighth day, when Li Yu'an went to work, Yang Siyuan told Chen Limei that he wanted to play in the city and would not go back at night.But the fact is that he sat in the room and thought for a day.

It was rare for him to talk less that day, and he didn't make a fuss. Li Yu'an felt that something was wrong, and asked a few questions, but there was no answer. He just guessed in his heart that he was thinking about coming out.

After turning off the lights, Yang Siyuan got under the covers and hugged Li Yu'an, warming him with his own body temperature.

Li Yuan was in poor health and was afraid of the cold. He felt cold all over his body in winter. He had never felt it until he was hugged by Yang Siyuan for the first time.

"Yuan," Yang Siyuan said in the dark, "can you promise me one thing?"

The atmosphere was a bit dignified, as if something important was about to be said, and the silence for a day might be preparing for this answer.

Li Yu'an didn't know what he was going to ask, but he had already prepared for the worst in his heart.

"Okay." He replied.

Yang Siyuan was stunned for a moment, and said with a wry smile: "You don't even ask what it is, just agree."

Li Yu'an really didn't respond to this question.Because no matter what Yang Siyuan asked, he would definitely agree.

"I...I think, if there is any mistake in the process of confessing to my mother, don't you leave me, don't give up on me, okay? Even if she doesn't agree, you...you don't go, okay? ?”

Yang Si was very close to him, almost whispering in his ear, unlike any previous request, he had never been as cautious as this time.

Li Yu'an knew that once he came out of the closet, he would never look back, and the only reason he could persevere was himself.

Yang Siyuan once said, to be his reason for being strong.

Now, he also wants to be Yang Siyuan's reason.

"Well, I promise you, I won't go." He said.

Yang Siyuan's arms holding him tightened a little more, and his chest pressed against his back. The heat from the heart was especially scorching, as if he was using blood as fuel, giving him all the warmth.

They don't know how hard and difficult the road is, but it must not be more painful than letting them separate.

……

A few days before the start of school, Yang Siyuan deliberately took time out to have dinner with Chen Limei, beating her thoughts at the dinner table intentionally or unintentionally.

He remembered that Chen Limei had asked him about Xu Linshuang, so he took the opportunity to say, "Mom, do you know radio dramas?"

Chen Limei obviously didn't understand this kind of stuff on the Internet, she shook her head: "I haven't heard of it, what's the matter?"

"Oh, it's nothing. I have a good relationship with one of my roommates. He is a radio drama, and he is very good." He poked the sesame paste and said unintentionally.

"What is that, is it a broadcast?" Chen Limei asked.

"Well, it's acting in the way of dubbing. There is no picture but only sound."

Chen Limei nodded: "I almost know what's going on, your roommate is quite talented."

"Well, but..." Yang Siyuan paused and glanced at her quietly. "What he did was a tan-mei radio drama."

"Damn beauty? What is that?"

"It's just... a story about two men falling in love, a homosexual story." Yang Siyuan said calmly.

Chen Limei stopped, frowned and said, "Is your roommate gay?"

This action, this expression, Yang Siyuan's heart was half cold.

"No." Yang Siyuan took a deep breath, "He just supports homosexuality."

"That's good." Chen Limei breathed a sigh of relief.

Yang Siyuan thought for a while, and finally asked: "... If he is really gay, is there any problem?"

"I don't care if other people are gay, and it's not against the law. But he's your roommate, what if he makes you gay too?"

"However, sexual orientation seems to be determined innately, and cannot be influenced by others. Even if it looks like he was taken by others, it is actually because he is gay."

"Why are you talking about this suddenly?" Chen Limei put down her chopsticks and looked at him puzzled. "You're not gay, why do you care about this?"

I'm gay, I am.Yang Siyuan said in his heart.

He swallowed, calmed himself down, tried his best to ignore his flustered heartbeat, and said in a half-joking tone: "How do you know that I must be not? I don't even know if I am. I haven't talked about it before." in love."

Chen Limei smiled indifferently: "I think about messy things every day. My college classmate has a homosexual. When I was in school, I got tired of being with boys every day. With the usual movements and expressions, I can tell that I like boys. You It’s not like that, how could it be.”

"Homosexuality can't be seen directly, and, although I'm not in the group of boys, I haven't played with a few girls either."

I don't know what stimulated him, but Yang Siyuan suddenly wanted to hate her very much, and his tone was a little anxious.

Chen Limei didn't seem to take this question to heart, she took a piece of beef and chewed it, and said vaguely: "Anyway, you're definitely not. If you think so much, you might as well find a stable job earlier."

Yang Siyuan gritted his teeth and asked, "What if I am? I mean, what if."

The beef was very chewy, Chen Limei finished it without saying a word, and took another sip of her drink.

It seemed like a long time passed before Yang Siyuan heard her answer.

"No if, you are not."

Six words, six knives, and six arrows pierced Yang Siyuan's heart fiercely.

In fact, the moment the question came out of his mouth, he guessed a few answers in his mind - breaking your leg, severing the relationship between mother and child, sending you to a mental hospital, never having any contact with each other...

He was already mentally prepared for an answer of this level, but the only thing he didn't think of were these six words.

There is no explanation, no consequences, just confirming that he is not gay, which seems not as vicious as the answers he thought of, but in fact it blocks all possible paths.

If a person refuses to think about the answer, then he is actually denying the existence of the problem.

This is the most terrible.

Yang Siyuan only felt that those words kept looping in his ears, like a magic spell, pulling his head out of a deep groove, making his brain lack of oxygen, and his eyes were a little dim.

That night he suffered from insomnia, laying upright on the bed, holding his mobile phone and flipping through the photos of Li Yuan secretly taken one by one.

There are also a few group photos he took while Li Yuan was asleep. Li Yuan slept peacefully, and his expression was very satisfied.

Maybe the screen was too glaring, but before he knew it, his face was covered with tears.