Spring Summer Autumn Winter

Yang Siyuan was a clingy big cat during the day, and turned into a rutted lion when it got dark. As long as Li Yuan didn't have to go to work at night, the two of them would basically stay in bed.

Yang Siyuan was reluctant to get out of bed, while Li Yu'an simply couldn't get out of bed.

The seemingly clean little sun immediately changed his face as soon as he lay on Li Yuan's body, becoming an extremely powerful old driver.To be precise, he is not a veteran driver. After all, Yang Siyuan does not have a lot of experience, but since the end of the first time, he has learned to restrain himself.He will try his best to consider Li Yu'an's feelings, not to make him too painful, and he will not try strange postures, and he will not even let Li Yu'an kneel, and try his best to avoid making Li Yu'an feel ashamed or embarrassed.

It is such a blessing to have such a gentle lover, especially for someone like Li Yuan who is already a little numb to pain, even a little bit of comfort will be infinitely magnified by him, making him From the physical to the psychological are filled to the brim.

The only thing is not good, his body is much weaker than Yang Siyuan's after all, he can't even stand up after a toss, if he takes a bath, he can only hang it on him like now, hugging Yang Siyuan's neck, and then let him Cleanse yourself.

For a person who is one year older, this is really a very, very shameful thing. Even though he has done it many times, he still dare not turn his head to look at Yang Siyuan every time.

Yang Siyuan knew him well, and would not ask him anything, but felt that such Li Yuan was shy and cute that didn't match his age.

"Hey, you have some flesh on your stomach." He pinched Li Yuan's waist while wiping off the shower gel, and said with a smile. "Did I cook too much food and fed you fat?"

"...You cooked too much meat." Li Yuan said sullenly.

Yang Siyuan put one arm around him, and dutifully rubbed bubbles on his body with the other hand. He kept his mouth still, turned his head and gently bit his ear: "It's better to be fatter, you used to Too thin. To be honest, when I was a child, I always felt that you would fall down as soon as you pushed it, and it would shatter when you hit the ground."

...It falls down as soon as it is pushed, why does it seem to have been heard somewhere?

Yang Siyuan stroked the old scars on his back with his hand, and asked softly, "Does it hurt when you get hurt?"

Li Yu'an couldn't remember when and why those scars fell off. They might have been beaten by Li Chengwen, or they might have fallen, or they might have fallen during a fight.There are too many reasons for his injury, if you think about them one by one, you may not be able to count them all in this lifetime.

"forget."

Yang Siyuan took the shower head, rinsed the bubbles off his body, and sighed: "Evidently my body is so weak, but I insist on fighting. Although I have never fought, I should be stronger than you anyway, why don't you call me? "

Li Yuan frowned: "It has nothing to do with you..."

Yang Siyuan let out a "puchi" laugh: "Put it down, think I don't know. Back in high school, you beat Liang Hao for me."

"..."

"I really don't know what to say about you... If Yu Fei hadn't told me, you wouldn't have planned to tell me for the rest of your life, would you?" Yang Siyuan adjusted the water temperature again, and moved the shower head down to Li Yuan's crotch.

As the warm water fell on his sensitive skin, Li Yuan's legs softened and he couldn't help but hug her tightly.It was like this every time, Yang Siyuan was well prepared, and firmly held him firmly with his left hand.

"Why don't you answer?"

Why don't you answer? If Yang Siyuan asks in other words, for example, replace the word "lifetime" with "later" or something else. Might be able to answer.

For the rest of his life, he still didn't know if he could spend the rest of his life with Yang Siyuan. How would he answer this?

What if Yang Siyuan doesn't like him one day, what if Yang Siyuan can't insist on continuing to love himself like this?

He thought about this question countless times, when he was writing, when he was at work, when he was watching Yang Siyuan cooking, when he was listening to Yang Siyuan playing the guitar, and even when he was in bed, he would think about it——Yang Siyuan would Won't you get bored of him one day?

He was conflicted.

He believes that Yang Siyuan is a resolute and dedicated person, and believes that he will love himself wholeheartedly, but at the same time, he also believes that he has no ability to keep Yang Siyuan behind. If one day Yang Siyuan leaves, then he will not be surprised.

He hated himself who didn't trust Yang Siyuan like this, and also hated himself who was so bad.

He has no reason to let himself look forward to the so-called "lifetime". Even if every day is so beautiful now, his sense of security cannot be so high.So he can only keep silent, or seize the opportunity to change the subject.

Now he had a chance - he felt that Yang Siyuan was reacting again.

"...Can't you restrain yourself?"

Yang Siyuan smiled "hehe" and said, "I can't restrain myself when I see you. Don't worry, you're still at work tomorrow, so if you don't come, you won't come."

This is not the first time, but Yang Siyuan has never been here for the second time.

How can I be liked by such a person?

Whenever he questioned himself like this, he felt very uncomfortable and confused.Until the two of them were resting on the bed, he still couldn't calm down, so he could only say something else to divert his attention.

"Go buy a suitcase tomorrow, one of the wheels is going to break."

As soon as he heard the word "suitcase", the smile on Yang Siyuan's face disappeared immediately, and he changed into an aggrieved expression, rubbing Li Yu'an's forehead and whispering: "I don't want to start school."

Looking at him like this, Li Yuan felt a little sour in his heart.

He didn't want him to start school either, it would take several months.That was more than 100 days, without Yang Siyuan, how would he live?

"School starts...you can draw well, and then...you have to prepare to find a job, then you can make money..." Li Yu'an comforted him palely.

"I can't draw it, and I can't draw it without hugging you." Yang Siyuan was like a child at this time, speaking in a small, nasal voice. "I'm sure I want to come back when I get there... Will I find you when I get back?"

"Yes." Li Yu'an replied firmly.

Yang Siyuan stared at him for a while, then leaned against the tip of his nose and said, "I put the condom in the bedside table."

???

Li Yu'an was stunned, did he change his thinking a bit quickly?Is love all over his head?

But then Yang Siyuan continued: "When I put it in... I saw something else."

"...What did you see?" Li Yu'an was still in a daze.

Yang Siyuan sniffed and said, "Sleeping pills."

"..."

sleeping pills.It's strange, how could I forget this, this is something he had hoped for.

Li Yu'an didn't know how to answer, he felt that Yang Siyuan was about to cry.

"Why are you buying sleeping pills?" Yang Siyuan's voice trembled.

Li Yu'an raised his heart in his throat. For the first time, he was afraid that Yang Siyuan was too smart and that he would be able to guess his intentions all at once.

"Insomnia... just eat some."

"Lie." Yang Siyuan choked up, "The medicine hasn't been opened yet."

"I……"

Before he could find a reason to explain, Yang Siyuan pinched the back of his head and said, "Sleeping pills are used for two purposes. Sleep aid and suicide."

As expected, he was still too smart, Li Yuan knew that he could no longer justify himself.Seeing his silence, Yang Siyuan knew that this was his acquiescence.How he wished that Li Yu'an could refute himself, even with weak reasons.But Li Yuan was silent.

His heart throbbed suddenly, and he hugged Li Yuan tightly, wishing he could rub him into his body.

"Yu'an... I'm afraid." He hugged him tighter, so tight that Li Yu'an could barely breathe. "I'm afraid I won't be able to find you when I come back, I can't find you anywhere..."

As soon as he opened his mouth, tears fell down.He's been thinking about it a lot since the day he discovered the sleeping pills.As long as he thinks that Li Yu'an will disappear one day, he will immediately cry like he lost his soul.It's just that he never cried in front of Li Yu'an, so Li Yu'an never knew that this big cat that often held him in his arms or rubbed against him would be so sad and scared.

His back and waist were very painful, but he was unwilling to let Yang Siyuan let go.

"No..." Hearing Yang Siyuan's cry, he couldn't say anything except these three words.

"I know," Yang Siyuan said sobbing, "I know that you actually...in fact, you just don't have a reason to be strong. If I were you, I definitely wouldn't want to live..."

"I don't want you to go... How can I find someone as good as you... No one is better than you, I don't want you to go..."

Li Yu'an hugged Yang Siyuan lightly, resting his chin on the top of his head. He gritted his teeth and blinked constantly, trying not to let himself cry.

How could he be as good as Yang Siyuan said?

Maybe... only in Yang Siyuan's eyes, he is a very good person.

Yang Siyuan shrank back and rubbed against his neck. After crying for a while, he looked up at him again. With red eyes, he asked a question that completely fell Li Yuan.

"Can I be your reason to be strong?"

……

five years ago.

Li Yu'an was about to enter the third grade, but he made a big mistake.

When the head teacher called Qin Meng, she was still picking up customers. That greasy guest had unbearable bad tastes, and she was forced to call him while talking.

"Is it Li Yu'an's parent? It looks like this. Li Yu'an got into a fight with others outside the school this afternoon, and both parties were injured. When do you think you have time to come over?"

"Hmm...cough cough...I'll be there in a while..." The man was panting heavily, pinching Qin Meng's neck, trying not to let her cough out what was in her throat no matter what.

So Qin Meng had no choice but to swallow, so that he could pretend to speak in a normal voice.

Her throat was full of fishy taste, and she felt that these men all smelled the same, making her sick like rotten rat meat.

But she is a rat-eating person.

The man threw down the money and left, she pulled out some clean clothes from the bed and put them on, went to the bathroom to wash her face, rinsed her mouth, and cut her hair a few times, she looked like a good wife and mother before she took the bag to go go to school.

"Hiss... which class is he in?" She stood at the school gate and thought for a while, only remembering that Li Yu'an was in the sophomore Wen class, but she really didn't remember which class it was in.

There were a lot of mosquitoes, so she patted her legs and called the head teacher again: "Hello, hello, this is Li Yu'an's head teacher, right? I'm his mother, yes. This... which class is he from?" What? Sorry, I don’t remember.”

The other end of the phone may be a little surprised, and there was a moment of silence before replying.She thanked him politely, then hung up the phone and walked inside.

In the office, Li Yu'an and the teacher in charge looked at each other. It seemed that Li Yu'an hadn't admitted his mistake, and stood there upright.But as soon as Qin Meng came in, he lowered his head and called softly: "Mom."

Qin Meng ignored him, went straight to the head teacher, and asked with a smile: "Teacher, what's going on? He is very sensible and never fights with others. Is there some misunderstanding here? "

The head teacher pushed his glasses and said, "I'm also very surprised, but he didn't say anything when I asked him. It stands to reason that he and Liang Hao should have nothing to do with him. Why did they get together? By the way, it's him The hand that moved first, Liang Hao was injured quite badly."

"Teacher, you said he... who did he fight with?"

……

There were really a lot of mosquitoes in the alley, but Qin Meng wanted to photograph Li Yu'an more than mosquitoes.

"What are you going to do with him?" she asked coldly.

Li Yu'an still lowered his head, hiding the wound on his neck well.

"say something!"

"He's going to hit you."

Qin Meng was taken aback, pushed him hard, and shouted: "If he wants to hit him, let him hit him! I'm an old woman, what can he do! It's hard to settle down, and I have to spend money to toss right!"

Li Yu'an's eyes were red, and he didn't know what emotion it was.

"Even if you are a woman, they won't soften their hearts, just like Li Cheng..."

Qin Meng suddenly threw the bag on the ground, and the cosmetic bag and all kinds of odds and ends scattered out, some fell into the cracks of the cement board and fell into the underground ditch.

"Don't fucking mention him to me!"

She didn't even look at the things on the ground, and walked home angrily on her high heels. Li Yu'an heard the sound of her heels hitting the ground, and felt that her feet would definitely hurt.

He squatted down, and by the faint light, he picked up the things on the ground one by one, including the half box of condoms.

In his impression, sex is a dirty, shameful, and ugly transaction, even though he knew it was an expression of love, he couldn't understand it.How could he have thought that a few years later, he would have sex with a man, and it would make him feel so satisfied without even the slightest bit of nausea.

Qin Meng walked quickly, and when he had just packed his bag, he could no longer see her, so he had to walk back quickly with his bag in his arms.

She probably hasn't eaten yet.

But when he got to the door, he froze.

He heard Li Chengwen's voice.

They were arguing, throwing things, fighting... Qin Meng's shrill cries pierced his eardrums and also pierced his brain. He ignored his disgust for Li Chengwen, opened the door and rushed straight go in.

Li Chengwen is a very strong middle-aged man, he can't beat him at all, the only thing he can do is to hug Qin Meng and use his body as a shield to block all beatings from Li Chengwen.

His ribs were broken before, and he didn't know how many were broken at that time. He just felt that the feeling of broken bones came again, and he felt that he was about to die from hunger.

That day, his head was covered with shards of glass, blood flowed all over his face, his back was covered with bruises, his right leg seemed to be broken, and he couldn't exert himself no matter what.

At the end of his consciousness, he saw that Li Chengwen had finally left, Qin Meng's makeup was also worn out, and her charming face looked embarrassed and ridiculous.He curled up on the ground, unable to move or speak, he just wanted to sleep deeply, and it was best not to wake up.

But what would mom do if he didn't wake up?

So he didn't dare to sleep, so he could only hold on, but his eyes became more and more blurred, darker and darker, and he couldn't see any light.

I have to be strong... I have to take care of my mother...

Can't die before her.

She is the only reason to be strong...

……

I don't know where the light was reflected, but Yang Siyuan's teary eyes were bright, he frowned slightly, and looked at Li Yu'an with a certain expectation.

The fragments of the past seem to be experiencing a famine, running away with dust and dry grass, looking for a place to live in every barren corner, until those scattered, lonely, painful memories suddenly see a certain place When the light was shining, he rushed over, clustered around the beam of light, greedily thirsting for light and heat.

Li Yu'an's heart seemed to have stopped working, lying quietly on his chest, as if he was finally tired after so many years of hard beating, and finally seized the opportunity to take a rest.

It's really unreal... like a dream while sleeping.

If people are destined to be happy only when they are confused, then let yourself be in a coma forever.

He looked back at Yang Siyuan, and suddenly felt that this life could actually end here.

As for the future, it doesn't matter whether Yang Siyuan will leave him or whether they will be together in the end.

For this moment, he is willing to give up the rest of his life.

Yang Siyuan liked to see him smile, so he slightly raised the corners of his mouth, trying his best to smile better.

He caressed Yang Siyuan's side face, wiped away the tears from the corners of his eyes, and said softly but firmly, "Okay."

……

It has been settled in this way for a lifetime, and the next step is to live every day well.

A week before the start of school, they began to do psychological construction continuously so that they would not be too sad on the day of separation, but when that day really came, both of them were terribly flustered.

It wasn't the first time Yang Siyuan left home, but only this time, he really didn't want to leave.

He went home two days ago, lied to Chen Limei, lied about the train number and time, and then ran back to guard Li Yuan.When he was a child, he never lied, but now in order to protect Li Yu'an, lying has become his usual method.

Li Yuan didn't worry about his parents, so he took a day off to stay with him at home. This was the first time that they didn't leave each other for 24 hours.

But this is not enough, the word "farewell" is enough to destroy the companionship of this day.

Before leaving, Yang Siyuan really wanted to tear up his ticket and drop out of school, and forget about writing calligraphy and painting with Li Yu'an to make money. It doesn't matter how rich he is, it's nothing compared to Li Yu'an.

But reason told him that he needed these "fucking" things to make life easier for the two of them, and he wanted to give him a better life.

Before going out, he pretended to be very relaxed and hugged Li Yuan, and said with a smile: "Eat well at home, sleep well, and exercise well. Next time I come back, I must gain at least ten catties. Also, I must go to the hospital when I am sick. Eat expired food, remember to ventilate the air conditioner if it’s been on for a long time..."

Li Yu'an rested his chin on his shoulder and replied mechanically.

"It's okay, call me if you miss me, video call... it's only a few months, not long... oh and also," Yang Siyuan rubbed him, "don't run away with others, especially that brother Ling , even though he is richer and more handsome than me...then you can't go with him."

Li Yu'an couldn't help laughing because of him.

"Well, smile more." Yang Siyuan said.

He wanted to laugh, but when he said that, Li Yuan wanted to cry again.

Ever since he was with Yang Siyuan, his mood swings have become more and more severe. Of course, he laughed and cried because of Yang Siyuan.

Yang Siyuan refused to let him go to the station to see him off, fearing that he couldn't help but look back, fearing that he might not be able to leave if he was impulsive.

But Li Yu'an still went secretly, he hid behind the crowd, followed Yang Siyuan's gaze, watched him enter the station, then leaned on the glass wall to watch him pass the security check, watched him go to the rest area, watched him check the ticket and get on the train, See him disappear.

Just like what he once did one summer day.

Only this time it was different and he knew he would be back.

I'm waiting for you.Li Yu'an told him through the glass that he believed he heard it.

I will always wait for you.