Spring Summer Autumn Winter

Yang Siyuan has no relationship experience, and he doesn't know how to deal with the emotion of liking, so when he himself accepts the fact that he likes Li Yu'an, he doesn't have the throbbing feeling of being in love with happiness.Also, after all, he is not in love, but an unrequited love with no ending.

He doesn't understand how same-sex love will be viewed in this society, and he doesn't know if he is "sick" as Yu Fei said. Like him, maybe hate him because of it.Whether it's for himself or Li Yu'an, this relationship brings only torture, without any positive and joyful feelings, so he has no motivation or reason to continue this relationship.

After confessing to Qin Ziliang and Chen Miao, he also thought about it.

Perhaps, Li Yu'an was just the beginning, he just happened to appear at the beginning of his love affair, and his feelings for Li Yu'an were just ignorant, hazy, and unclear, not the kind of real "like"?

Even if he really liked men, Li Yu'an would no longer be one of his choices.

He also thought that anyway, he is going to go to school in a distant city soon, and he will have a new life in that brand new environment. He will definitely be able to think clearly in college, and then accept it calmly or simply forget this relationship .

This is very convincing.

But... Even if it was only a month later, he couldn't wait for this month.

He couldn't bear the suffering, and he had to do something to let himself go.

"Mom, I want to ask you something." One day, taking advantage of Chen Limei's good mood, Yang Siyuan asked boldly. "Did Li Yu'an leave anything before he left?"

Chen Limei probably didn't expect him to ask about Li Yu'an, she was stunned for a second and then replied flatly: "No."

"Then... do you know why he left?"

"Why don't you leave after earning money?"

"...That's it." Yang Siyuan said, but he still wanted to struggle: "Did he really not say a word? Didn't say anything... wish me success in the college entrance examination or something like that?"

Chen Limei was a little annoyed, and frowned: "No, he will definitely tell you if he wants to. If he didn't tell you, he didn't want to talk to you. If people ignore you, you still think, you..."

She didn't continue, but Yang Siyuan knew what words she wanted to describe.

Are you... cheap or not?

too cheap.

Yang Siyuan smiled self-deprecatingly at himself in the mirror.

……

In the afternoon, Cicada outside the window shouted with all her strength to fight against the scorching sun.And this noisy protest was not answered, the temperature was getting higher and higher, the air was getting hotter and hotter, and the tails of the clouds moved with the lazy wind and disappeared behind the listless leaves.

Yang Siyuan took a shower and leaned against the window to dry his hair.The bright sunlight shone on half of his body, and the wet water droplets reflected light spots, making him look full of youthful vigor.

It's just that he lowered his eyes, and there was no light in his eyes.His pretended vitality was betrayed by his eyes.

"It's so hot." Yang Siyuan murmured, "Is it hot in his room?"

Only the crazier Cicada answered him.

He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and let it out slowly.

After a few days of thinking, he made a decision, he wanted to end this absurd, ridiculous and unbearable unrequited love on this hot afternoon.

When it was close to sunset, the air was finally no longer so hot that people were uncomfortable. From time to time, there was a small wind blowing through it. It was not cool, but it was much more comfortable than the hot wind at noon.He didn't ride a bicycle, and set foot on the path that had been traveled thousands of times with the setting sun on his back.

This time, he had no thoughts, just to give himself an explanation, so he managed to ignore the weird eyes and discussions of those people on both sides of the road, which can be regarded as a gain.

At the entrance of the alley, there is still a distance from the small alley inside. This is the last way.

Yang Siyuan stood at the entrance of the alley for a while, his back was hot from the afterglow, as if someone was hugging him tightly behind him.

He silently recited his decision once again in his heart——

Today is the last time here.When the sun goes down, if Li Yu'an hasn't come yet, then I'll go back and forget about him.

In fact, this is just an excuse.He thought, whether remembering or forgetting, perhaps it would be easier with the help of a sense of ritual.It’s like a long road that can’t be finished no matter how hard you go, it must be very painful, but if a few road signs are inserted along the way, the passers-by may have some goals and a sense of accomplishment in achieving the goals, so they can keep walking finish this way.

Similarly, it is difficult to forget someone because you can't find a suitable opportunity to let go.Since there is no chance, create it yourself.

He knew in his heart that Li Yu'an would definitely not come back.So he made a decision for himself like this, and it seemed like he was deluding himself, but he couldn't control so much anymore.As long as you can forget him, you can do anything.

He didn't have the slightest doubt about this, so he walked in resolutely.

He walked into the alley filled with afterglow, also walked into the trap of heaven, and walked into the prison he built for himself.

When he was about to turn into that alley without stopping, it seemed that the world stood still.

The air stopped flowing, the ants stopped running, the dust stopped wandering, and the cicadas stopped clamoring... There was only one person, carrying something, standing in front of the iron gate.

God, I beg you, let me go.

He suddenly felt that he was really a clown. If his story was written, it would be a popular absurd comedy, which could make people cry with laughter.

Li Yuan turned around and saw him too.

In an instant, Yang Siyuan forgot everything.

What I came here for, the purpose of my coming here, I forgot, I forgot.

The person he has missed for tens of thousands of hours day and night is standing in front of him at this moment, what else can he think about?

He lost, and lost badly.

Then he walked towards the man, trembling with every step—what if it was a hallucination?

"You... are back," he said.

He did three things with all his might: walk up to him, say the words, and refrain from hugging him.

……

in the hut.

Li Yu'an didn't move too many things away, giving the hut that had been empty for many days the illusion that it was still inhabited, but the dust on the tables and stools revealed the truth behind the illusion.

He put the things in his hand on the writing table, washed a towel and wiped the stool.

Sitting on the bed, Yang Siyuan looked at his busy back, feeling as if he had passed away.

"I'll just sit here, what are you doing wiping the stool." He said.

Li Yu'an visibly froze and stopped moving, but he didn't look back at him.

After a while, he asked, "Can I have dinner with you?"

The tone was like that of a first-time visitor, polite and unfamiliar.

Li Yu'an slowly clenched the towel in his hand, and said, "Okay." He could never refuse him, no matter what the situation was.

Yang Siyuan was silent for a while.

"I'm a little thirsty, is there any hot water?" He asked again.

Li Yu'an put the towel aside, then ran to the side room to get a pot of water, plugged in the electricity and boiled it on the side.

There was only the sound of electricity and water heating in the air. Yang Siyuan looked at Li Yuan, and Li Yuan looked down at the kettle.

After a few minutes, the water boiled up.Li Yu'an brushed another cup and put it on the table.

Yang Siyuan got up and walked over, holding the rim of the cup.

The two of them were very close, but neither looked at each other.

Li Yu'an carried the kettle and poured water slowly.He was so "preoccupied" that he didn't notice the water was overflowing.

The scalding water dripped over Yang Siyuan's fingers, causing him to retract his hand reflexively, knocking down the water glass, and immediately the boiling water covered the entire table with a "splash", steaming hot.

When Li Yuan realized it, he almost dropped the kettle.

"You, you wait, I'll go outside and buy you some scald ointment..." He hurriedly put down the kettle, and was about to run outside.

Yang Siyuan grabbed his arm, "Are you coming back?"

Li Yu'an finally turned around and met Yang Siyuan's eyes.That's not a plea, that's just a simple question.

The pain suddenly struck again, he gritted his teeth and nodded.

"Buy some wine and come back. I want to drink. Buy more." Yang Siyuan let go of his hand and said.

The warmth that had just arrived on his arm slowly receded, Li Yu'an shook hands, turned and ran out.

Yang Siyuan watched his figure disappear outside the door, put his fingers on the cold edge of the table to cool down, then picked up the towel next to him, and slowly wiped the water on the table.

"It's all wet...this is..." On the table were some parts that Li Yuan put down, and a piece of rolled paper, which was already soaked in water.Yang Siyuan wanted to wipe the paper and put it aside to dry, so he unfolded it.

When he unfolded, his throat seemed to be caught by something suddenly, and he swallowed the following words.

It was a painting glued to a piece of white paper, it was his painting of a small park, the one Li Yuan liked very much, but Yang Jianxin tore it up.

He still remembered that day, Li Yu'an carefully walked through the shredded papers on the floor, and sat by the side to accompany him for an afternoon.

Did he pick up these fragments at that time?From those thousands of scraps of paper that don't look any different?

Yang Siyuan slowly stroked the soaked painting with his fingers that were so painful that he lost consciousness, and then stopped on a blank space.

A small piece of debris was missing in the middle, a small rocky beach.

Yang Siyuan stared at the painting for a while, then took out a pencil from the pen holder on one side like a ghost, and started to draw on the blank space.

His fingers hurt, he couldn't handle the pen well, and the lines were crooked.Fortunately, he just drew two back figures, and doesn't need too many details.

After a few strokes, the blank space was filled with a rocky beach. There were two people sitting on the rocky beach. They held each other's hands tightly and cuddled together facing the lake.

Yang Siyuan was completely confused, he had completely forgotten what he was here for.

He hastily rolled up the painting again and stuffed it into a bookcase beside him.

Coincidentally, Li Yu'an came back at this time and missed the opportunity to see Yang Siyuan's painting.

Yang Siyuan said he wanted to drink, Li Yu'an really bought a big bag of beer and came back, it was heavy, and they collided with each other and made clanking noises.

"Scald ointment, put it on quickly." He dropped the beer and walked quickly to hand the scald ointment to Yang Siyuan.

Yang Siyuan nodded and took the medicine.He had a good sense of proportion, and his fingers didn't touch Li Yu'an's hand.

"There is nothing to eat at home. I bought some noodles and vegetables. Can I serve you a bowl of noodles?" Li Yu'an asked.

Yang Siyuan nodded again, concentrating on applying the medicine.

Li Yu'an stopped talking, turned around and went to the kitchen to cook.

When the meal was ready, Yang Siyuan's hand no longer hurt so much.The two sat on both sides of the small table, eating noodles in silence.

With a sound of "Puff", Yang Siyuan opened a can of beer and drank it without saying a word.

Li Yu'an: "..."

After one can was finished quickly, he opened another can and drank it in silence.

One can after another... Empty cans were piled up all over the floor, and Yang Siyuan's face was flushed, but he still showed no sign of stopping.

He doesn't drink well, he's almost drunk.

"Stop drinking." Li Yuan was afraid that he would drink too much and something would happen, so he moved forward to stop him.

However, Yang Siyuan grabbed his wrist and pulled him in front of him.The distance between the two was so close that he panicked, and he couldn't help but struggled twice.

"Why did you leave?" Yang Siyuan looked at Li Yu'an with confused eyes and asked hoarsely. "You don't want me anymore?"

"is not it?"

It is easy to tell the truth after drinking, and this sentence is probably correct for Yang Siyuan.Normally, he would never say such ambiguous words, after all, he wants to hide his feelings.

Li Yu'an didn't dare to answer.

What can he say?Say "no"?Then Yang Siyuan would definitely continue to ask, if he hadn't been rejected, then why did he leave.How to answer this?Say "Because I fell in love with you"?Don't make trouble, he still wants to say goodbye with a little dignity.

Fortunately, Yang Siyuan didn't seem to expect to get an answer, and after repeating a few sentences like a bewilderment, he dropped his hand and continued to drink.

In fact, Yang Siyuan used to think that it was fake to use alcohol to relieve his sorrows, and the behavior of drinking every now and then seemed contrived, but now he felt that alcohol could really make him feel at ease.

After drinking an unknown amount, he finally lay down on the table, still muttering something, and he didn't know who to listen to.

Sitting beside him, Li Yu'an struggled a little.

He can leave now, because Yang Siyuan can wake up by himself.Just like last time, leave when he doesn't know, and cut off all contact.

In the end, however, he didn't do it.

He helped Yang Siyuan up, put one arm on his shoulder, and moved forward with a body that was much heavier than himself, and finally put him down on the bed.

Then he took off Yang Siyuan's shoes, found another clean towel, wet it with warm water, knelt on one side and gently wiped the sweat off Yang Siyuan's face.

Yang Siyuan originally had his eyes closed, but when the towel touched his skin, he suddenly opened them and stared straight at Li Yu'an.

"Li Yu'an..." He suddenly whispered in tears.

Only then did Li Yu'an realize that there were tears in his eyes.A certain place in his heart suddenly collapsed, and Li Yu'an brushed Yang Siyuan's eyes with his fingers, wiping away the tears flowing from there.

"!"

In such a gap, Yang Siyuan suddenly turned over and pressed Li Yuan under him.

The smell of alcohol overwhelmed him, and Yang Siyuan's breath was spit on his face, and the places he reached were as hot as if they were on fire.

The sun had already set, night had already fallen, only a faint light cast from the small window, drawing a circle of cold color on Yang Siyuan's outline.

The two people's chests were tightly pressed together, their heartbeats collided with each other, and their rapid breathing intertwined with each other, as if they were going to swallow Li Yu'an together.

"you……"

"Li Yu'an... Li Yu'an...I'm crazy..." Yang Siyuan whimpered, "I like you...I like you."

His brain exploded with a bang, and then the sound of "buzzing" echoed, Li Yu'an froze, and the blood in his veins stopped flowing.

What is he saying?

He said he liked...

No, no, how is it possible...

"I don't know...I don't know what's going on...I'm really crazy...What to do...I like you...I miss you..." Yang Siyuan's shoulders gradually slumped, and he fell on Li Yu'an's neck, Make a sound with difficulty.

Yang Siyuan said that he likes me.

He...likes...me.

Like an echo from the valley that had been silent for a long time, Li Yu'an only felt that he was in a dream, or an auditory hallucination, but it didn't seem real.

It would be a lie to say that he was not happy at all.What a joke, Yang Siyuan likes him, how could he be unhappy?

But if he is very happy, then there is a lot of panic and fear.

Yang Siyuan can't like Li Yu'an.

That's right, how could Yang Siyuan like Li Yu'an?

What kind of person is Li Yu'an?How could he be liked by Yang Siyuan?How can it be?

Yes, Yang Siyuan must be impulsive, must be because he hasn't figured out what liking is...it must be.

Li Yu'an was thinking wildly, trying to convince himself, but this chaotic thoughts were suddenly cut off by Yang Siyuan's movements.

Yang Siyuan was tearing at his clothes.

Li Yu'an was startled: "Yang Siyuan!"

But Yang Siyuan didn't seem to hear it, instead he intensified and bit Li Yuan's neck while pulling on Li Yu'an's shirt.

A stream of blood rushed to the top of his head, and Li Yu'an felt his scalp go numb.

"Yang Siyuan...you..." He struggled and pushed the person on him as hard as he could, but the difference in weight was revealed at this moment. No matter how much he pushed, he couldn't move, but Yang Siyuan grabbed his wrist and pressed to the top.

Yang Siyuan raised his head and looked at him, with thousands of words hidden in his eyes.

But he didn't say anything, he lowered his head again, and kissed Li Yu'an's lips.

Li Yu'an was forced to intertwine with him, and the taste of alcohol ran wildly in his mouth, climbed up his nerves, and defeated his last sanity.

The long wet kiss seemed to last for a century. At the end, Li Yu'an was almost unable to breathe, feeling a fatal suffocation.

Yang Siyuan let go of his hand, left his lips, and looked into his eyes, as if he wanted to say something.

However, before he could say anything, Li Yuan spoke first: "You are drunk."

In fact, he knew in his heart that disorderly sex after drinking does not exist, unless the drinker has some kind of thoughts in mind.

Alcohol is just an excuse.

But he couldn't think that way, he had to tell Yang Siyuan this way.

"No...it's not..." Yang Siyuan defended like a child, some shiny things accumulated in his eyes again, and his eyes were a little confused.

Li Yu'an gritted his teeth, his heart was hardened, and he stretched out his hand to hold Yang Siyuan's face, forcing him to look at him.

"You are. You must be."