Spring Summer Autumn Winter

It was almost noon when Yang Siyuan woke up, and he was the only one in the room.

The sun rose high and hit the tiles through the somewhat dirty windows, making the scratches on the tiles shine.

The temperature was gradually rising. There was no fan or air conditioner in the room. The space was small and poorly ventilated. He felt as if he had woken up from the heat.

He braced his arms and wanted to get up, but as soon as he moved a little, a severe headache rushed up, as if a punch had hit the back of the head, causing him to fall back again.

"Hiss... Li Yu'an?" He rubbed his head, his drowsy consciousness was gradually cleared by the pain, and the smell of alcohol was still around him, and he told him what happened last night.He tried to call Li Yuan, but no one responded as he expected.

Last night... saw Li Yu'an... and then... seemed to be drunk...

Looking for the memory swallowed by alcohol, he turned his head carefully to look at the table.

There were no jars on the ground or on the table, and they should have been cleaned up by Li Yuan.

And then... after getting drunk... what happened after getting drunk...

Memories flashed back in his mind like broken movie shots, but no matter what, they couldn't piece together a complete plot.He tried his best to grasp those still clear pictures, trying to restore a scene.

It was Li Yu'an who carried me onto the bed, then wiped my sweat... and then I...

I feel like...like...

Suddenly a frame flashed, the naked Li Yuan was pressed under him who was also naked, he frowned as if he was in great pain, and then raised his head suddenly as if trying to escape, his neck and collarbone were exposed, and then ...he saw himself leaning over and biting down.

"?!" Yang Siyuan suddenly opened his eyes wide, and sat up from the bed in a "teng", a sharp stabbing pain in the back of his head followed, almost making him scream out.

I... I fucked Li Yu'an? !

The picture in his mind was too real, so real that it frightened him, and it made him break out in a cold sweat in the heat wave of the dog days.

His heart was beating wildly, and his hands trembled from the uncontrollable panic. He slowly lifted the blanket over his body, almost staring at his own chest with his heart hanging.

However, he was fully clothed, even his socks were still on, and there was no sign of them being taken off.

"This... Am I dreaming?" He broke out in a cold sweat halfway through, and felt a little relieved, but he still had some doubts—after all, the picture was so real that he couldn't ignore it.

He moved his body a little bit and got out of bed after feeling that his headache was getting better. When he was arranging his clothes, he saw a glass of water on the writing table next to him.

He froze for a second, then walked over.

There was a note under the cup, Yang Siyuan's fingers trembled slightly, and he took out the note.

"You don't let anyone touch you when you're drunk, and I can't undress you, sorry. Also, no one will come back here."

It was still in that graceful and unrestrained handwriting, but the words were written in such a strange and cold tone. Yang Siyuan slowly grasped the note tightly, and then drank the still warm water in the cup in one gulp.

He had never been drunk before, and he didn't know what it would be like to be drunk. Coupled with his intact clothes and disordered memory, he believed Li Yu'an's words the moment he saw the note.

Since I don't want anyone to touch me when I'm drunk, it might really be just a rotten dream...

The glass reflected the sunlight, piercing his eyes, and he couldn't help but close them.

At this moment, he didn't know exactly what mood he was in—rejoice, regret, guilt, disgust... These emotions mixed together, making his still-awake brain even more messy.

But he was absolutely sure of one thing - Li Yu'an left again, and absolutely, absolutely never came back.

He put down his glass and walked out of the hut, exposing himself to the strong sunlight and feeling dazzled for a while.

……

Before school started, Chen Limei took Yang Siyuan to the mall to do some shopping, but unexpectedly ran into Qi Ming.

Qi Ming was shopping alone, standing in front of a row of snack racks, picking something intently.

Yang Siyuan saw that the boy looked familiar from a distance, so he greeted Chen Limei and walked towards him.

"Qi Ming?" He walked to Qi Ming's side and called out after confirming it.

Qi Ming was suddenly disturbed, and immediately turned his head to look over, his eyes were like a frightened deer.

Seeing that it was Yang Siyuan, Qi Ming's joy showed on his face: "Ah, Yang, Yang Siyuan!"

Seeing him like this, Yang Siyuan couldn't help being amused: "Why, did you scare me?"

Qi Ming held the steamed rice dumplings and shook his head repeatedly: "No, no, it's just that I haven't seen you for a long time..."

Yang Siyuan nodded: "Is your illness better?"

"Well, it's much better. It's raised at home, but I still feel tired often." Qi Ming said.

Yang Siyuan was about to answer him, but he heard Chen Limei call him over, he answered and said to Qi Ming: "Do you have time at noon, do you want to have a meal together?"

Qi Ming was a little apprehensive, blinked his eyes, and asked in an uncertain tone: "Is it okay?"

Yang Siyuan smiled: "It's fine if you don't dislike me."

Qi Ming nodded quickly, then felt that the reaction was a bit ambiguous, and suddenly shook his head like a rattle.

"Then I'll go and tell my mother, see you on the negative floor at eleven o'clock?" Yang Siyuan said with a suppressed smile.

"it is good."

At eleven o'clock, Qi Ming was waiting for Yang Siyuan at the entrance of the first floor without missing a second. When Yang Siyuan came, he saw Qi Ming picking his fingers at a loss.

"Qi Ming!" Yang Siyuan called him.

After Qi Ming heard it, he trotted over to him: "What do you want to eat? There is a good dumpling restaurant here. I haven't been to other restaurants very much, so I don't know much..."

"Okay, then I'll listen to you." Yang Siyuan said.

The two of them went to the restaurant together and sat down, ordered two plates of dumplings, and soon the dumplings were served, Yang Siyuan tasted it, it was really delicious.

"Are you going to repeat your studies in No. [-] Middle School, or go to another school?" Yang Siyuan asked.

"Hmm. Other schools... I'm afraid I'm not familiar with them." Qi Ming said.

Indeed, there is only one middle school and one key school in the county, and the east and west campuses are too far apart, and the level of liberal arts in the east campus is not as good as here.If he goes to study in another place, he will have to adapt again. Qi Ming's character may not be able to adapt for a while.

Yang Siyuan nodded: "Well, No. [-] Middle School is pretty good."

"By the way, I saw you in the brochure, you are amazing!" Qi Ming was a little excited when he said this, and Yang Siyuan could see that he was really happy for himself.

Yang Siyuan waved his hand and said, "You are better than me. We will wait for your good news next year."

Qi Ming couldn't bear the compliment, blushed, smiled and said "no" in a low voice, then lowered his head and continued to poke the dumplings.

After a while, he withdrew his smile, and suddenly asked cautiously: "Yu...Yu Feihe...do you still have contact with him?"

When Yu Fei's name was mentioned, he seemed extremely nervous, as if he was afraid of being heard, and the volume was so low that only he could hear it.

Yang Siyuan originally just wanted to chat with Qi Ming, and didn't want to talk to him about Yu Fei, but at this moment he was also taken aback, and the relaxed mood just now disappeared completely.

He thought about it, and finally replied, "No."

"Oh..." Qi Ming seemed a little disappointed, his eyes darkened.

Seeing him like this, Yang Siyuan couldn't bear it, and asked impulsively, "Did you treat him..."

He didn't continue talking, but he knew from Qi Ming's reaction that Qi Ming knew what he wanted to say.

When he was in school, Yang Siyuan discovered that Qi Ming's attitude towards others was different from that towards nonsense. Although he was introverted, he treated others very politely, so many people said that he was just shy, not withdrawn.But when it comes to Fei, he is very flustered, talking without beginning and ending, and doing things in a panic, and he doesn't even look into Yu Fei's eyes, as if Yu Fei is a monster that eats people.

Yu Fei once said that Qi Ming likes men.

How did he know?

Yang Siyuan once speculated, did Yu Fei find out that Qi Ming likes him?

Yu Fei obviously couldn't accept it, but at the same time he had an unclear feeling for Qi Ming... Yang Siyuan looked at Qi Ming who was blushing, and felt that the relationship between these two people was really too awkward.

Even more awkward than his relationship with Li Yu'an.At any rate, the relationship between him and Li Yu'an was a simple and unrequited love, unlike theirs, which was messy and chaotic.

After a while, Qi Ming stammered and said: "You, you know...it was me, I confessed."

Yang Siyuan thought to himself, I just know that I am just like you.

But he didn't expect that it was Qi Ming who confessed by himself. Compared with Qi Ming, he seemed very cowardly.

"Then don't you think...perverted...?" Qi Ming asked again.

Yang Siyuan shook his head with a smile and said, "There's nothing wrong with liking it if you really like it."

These words seemed to have given Qi Ming great encouragement, he was stunned for a moment, and then suddenly there was light in his eyes.

"Do you really think so?"

Yang Siyuan nodded and said, "Really. But... Yu Fei... is he worthy of your liking?"

He doesn't even dare to accept that he is gay, and even sneers at you. Is such a person worthy of your liking?Yang Siyuan really wanted to ask this question, but in the end he still couldn't bear to say it.

Qi Ming lowered his head and smiled, that smile made Yang Siyuan's heart ache.

"I don't know...it's okay, I won't like him soon." He raised his head and continued, "Actually, I should thank him...he's not gay, and he still feels disgusting, often scolding me and laughing at me, Slowly, I have no feeling of being scolded by him... Well, my liking for him is almost worn away like this."

Hearing what he said, Yang Siyuan really wanted to tell him that Yu Fei actually liked him too, but he thought of Yu Fei's attitude and finally chose to shut up.

Since they are destined not to be together, then don't give him unnecessary hopes.

Hope followed by despair hurts the most.

Just like him and Li Yu'an, destined to part, they shouldn't see each other for the last time.

He had suffered a disadvantage in this, and he didn't want Qi Ming to experience the same.

"Well, if there are more excellent people, there will definitely be better people who like you." Yang Siyuan said with a smile.

Qi Ming also nodded with a smile, as innocent as a child coaxed by sugar.

But Yang Siyuan's smile is half-truth and half-false, the blessing to Qi Ming is true, but the approval of this sentence is false.

It's not that he doesn't believe in Qi Ming, it's that he doesn't believe in himself.

The words came out of his mouth, no matter how funny they sounded.Because he felt that there were so many excellent people, but it was impossible for him to meet someone better than Li Yu'an.

Impossible.

……

I forgot to bring back the parts for the electric fan, and there was no wind when I opened the windows.This time I really have to buy a new one, but it will take about two days for Li Yuan to buy it, after all, he has limited mobility now.

He tried his best to restrain himself from thinking about that crazy night, but the feeling of skin touching and soul intertwining tortured him all the time, making him unforgettable.

The shirt was torn by Yang Siyuan and he couldn't wear it anymore. Fortunately, he still had some clothes there, otherwise he really didn't know how to go out.

Yang Siyuan was drunk that night, unable to consider his feelings at all, blindly tore off his clothes roughly, gnawed at his whole body, and almost without foreplay, forcibly opened his thighs and invaded his body.

At that moment, Li Yu'an was so painful that he almost fainted. He had self-harmed countless times, and the pain caused by the sharp blade could not keep up with the slightest bit of pain. Perhaps this was the real self-harm, whether it was physical or psychological.

After that, there was an almost cruel and endless twitch? His hands gripped the sheet tightly, and his fingers almost bled.

The affair was too rough, he couldn't feel any pleasure, only endless, hopeless pain, in the end he almost lost all his strength, his whole body was convulsed, sweat leaked little by little.

He had to cover up this fact, so after Yang Siyuan fell asleep, he got up again enduring the pain, dressed Yang Siyuan, cleaned up the mess on the ground, left a note in the morning before the sun came out, and poured a cup of hot water , and finally looked at Yang Siyuan for a few minutes, then left silently.

He lied, but he could only deceive Yang Siyuan, not himself.

After he came back, he couldn't hold on any longer and fell down on the bed. The pain in his waist and lower body made him almost cry.He slowed down for a long time, and after feeling better, he tried to stand up, but fell down again as soon as he moved.

After going back and forth several times, he finally gave up and honestly asked the store manager for two days off because he had a fever.

He lay on the bed like this for a whole day, staring at the ceiling in a daze, sometimes inexplicably shed tears from the corners of his eyes and into his ears, making him unable to hear the surrounding sounds clearly.

The next day he was barely able to move around, so he went to take a shower first, and when he came out, he stood naked in front of the mirror, looking at his embarrassing body, his mind went blank.

There are scary hickey marks all over his body, and he looks as if he has been abused by someone. After all, no matter how hard the kiss between lovers is, it is impossible to have such embarrassing marks.

He looked at it like this for a long time, finally put on a long sleeve silently, and put a band-aid on his neck, then went to a nearby big supermarket to buy an electric fan, and sat in front of the electric fan after returning and blowing it stupidly for a day, blowing It made his head hurt and he didn't know how to change the angle.

In the evening, he moved a chair, sat in front of the window, opened the window to let in the cool night breeze, looked outside at the same bustling night as before, and suddenly felt that he didn't know what to do.

Yang Siyuan said he liked him.

As soon as Li Yu'an thought of this, he bent down and buried his face in his palms, sobbing softly.

I like you too.

But we can't be together, impossible.

You will soon forget me, and you will forget me when you leave here.

you will forget me...

Can you... can you not forget me...

No...you still have to forget...

No...don't, don't...

don't leave me alone...

The neon lights shone on his face, and the blurred colored lights covered his pale complexion.

The sobbing gradually became uncontrollable, and he finally fell down, kneeling on the ground covering his face and crying bitterly.

This was the first time he had cried so loudly in more than ten years. He cried for a long time, until he had no more tears and strength before he stopped, as if he had cried out all the despair and sadness of these many years.