Spring Summer Autumn Winter

When the admission notice arrived, Yang Siyuan was still taking a nap.Chen Limei didn't care if he fell asleep or not, she rushed into the door to shake him awake.Yang Siyuan was a shallow sleeper and was easily awakened, but now his mind was groggy, and he was more tired than when he was not sleeping.

Chen Limei was yelling something over there, probably asking him to put away the notice.

Yang Siyuan rubbed his eyes, held the stuffed notice, looked at the big characters on the cover, and it took him a long time to come back to his senses.

Oh, yes, I was admitted to this school.

He was admitted as his first choice, and his score was more than ten points higher than the cut-off, and he got a very good finance major from that school. When Chen Limei told others, he looked proud.It's just that Yang Siyuan didn't feel anything at all. He only knew that this major was unfamiliar, this school was famous, and this city was far away.

When the admission notice came out, he sent Qin Ziliang a message.

Qin Ziliang was really excited: "Damn it! You come to Wuhan too! It's still such a great school and major! Awesome, grandpa!"

Yang Siyuan also felt a little relieved that at least he could be in the same city as Qin Ziliang.Alone as a stranger in a foreign land, at least now he can have a good friend to accompany him, so he won't be too lonely.

It's just... There are some things that he still doesn't know how to tell him.

A few days later, the school sent a text message to all the students admitted to the prestigious school, telling them to come back to school to take pictures.When Yang Siyuan received the text message, he was a little stunned. He didn't expect that the outstanding graduate brochures he had seen before would still have his name.

It was a sunny day. He changed into his school uniform and went back to school. When taking pictures, he faced the sun and couldn't keep his eyes open. With a "click", the photography teacher pressed the shutter regardless of whether he closed his eyes or not, urging the next student.

It was a little hot on the way back, so he took off his school uniform jacket and put it on his shoulders, and went home facing the sinking sun.

It seems that several shops have changed on both sides of the road, and a lot of breakfast shops have opened, probably targeting the market for day students in No. [-] Middle School, and of course the takeaway for boarding students.

Now it is more convenient for the students, and they don't need to have food delivered.

A sentence like this suddenly popped up in his mind, causing Yang Siyuan to stop.

It seemed that Li Yu'an gave me breakfast for a long time, that idiot only gave me carrot and meat stuffing, and I was about to vomit after eating it.

It may be that the memory of those tastes is too deep. At this time, his mouth seems to be full of the taste of those two kinds of buns. He can't help but lower his head and smile, but he can't laugh out of it.

From now on, no one will get up at five or six in the morning to buy him breakfast.

There was a stone on the road, and he kicked it up and down.

Li Yu'an didn't apply for university, and the brochures he sent out last year didn't include his name or photo.

What if he went to college?Will he be happier than now?

It seems that he won't... He still has to bear the huge pressure.And with his personality, Yang Siyuan couldn't imagine how he would live in the dormitory.

If he goes to college...

Maybe I will never meet him again?At the most, I will take his class during that summer vacation, and there will be no getting along with him later.

Wouldn't she like him then?

The small stone rolled into the manhole cover hole and disappeared.Yang Siyuan walked slowly, feeling like a pool of stagnant water in his heart.

The weather is getting hotter and hotter, the sticky air seems to be unable to swim, and there is no wind at all.When he got home, he was already sweating profusely, so he threw down his coat and went to take a shower.

Next to the bathroom is the kitchen. Chen Limei is cooking, and the clanging of pots and pans is the only sound.

Li Yuan once cooked for him in this kitchen.

"..."

"Snapped"!Suddenly, Yang Siyuan slapped himself violently, with astonishing force, as if he was not hitting himself, but an enemy.

The right cheek turned red immediately, and was still slowly swollen. Tears welled up in his eye sockets like a conditioned reflex, but they didn't flow out under his emotional suppression.The palm of the right hand also had a burning pain, and it gradually became numb to the point of losing consciousness.

However this is of no use.

He looked down at his lower body.

Yang Siyuan, what is on your mind.

Are you cheap?Disgusting or not?

He is an adult, and his physical reactions are not new or strange to him, and he has never felt ashamed about it.But this time is different.He had subjective assumptions at work, and he reacted only because he thought of Li Yu'an.

He thought of his eyebrows, his lips, his jawbone, his shoulder blades, his fingers, his lower back...

He can even see every inch of skin and every pore in his brain.

Dirty and nasty.

His hands were already numb, but he didn't mind slapping himself again, it would be best if the pain would wake him up.At this moment, he suddenly had a little understanding of Li Yu'an's self-harm. It turned out that there are really some things in this world that can only be covered up with pain.

It's just that the pain still couldn't relieve the hotness all over his body, and even made him more irritable.

He adjusted the temperature, and the cold water poured down, drenching him from head to toe, cooling him down immediately.

This method is very crude, but it works.

He stood under the cold water for a few minutes, gradually calming down.It's just that the right cheek and hand still seem to be burned, and it will be impossible to recover for a while.

What am I doing here...

The pain came and went, like it was fake or real, and he looked like he was in a panic.It seems that a ridiculous and ridiculous performance has just ended, and the clown who is focused on the center of the stage is himself.The mist gradually dissipated, and the last ray of sunlight in the small window on the wall also disappeared. Without cover and beautification, the clown finally revealed his true form.

He suddenly became weak all over, and slowly squatted on the ground, covering his face with his hands and crying.

……

The price of impulsiveness soon came. That night, he immediately had a fever, which burned his whole body like a stove, and he couldn't feel the pain on his face.

He was lying on the bed hanging water, covering his sweat with a quilt, staring at the ceiling in a daze.

If he was more worried, struggling and flustered before, then now he is confused, desperate and disgusted.

This is really ridiculous.

He fell in love with a man of the same sex, and the other party had already abandoned him. He even had reason to suspect that the reason for the other party's departure was that he felt disgusted by his feelings.Not to mention that person, even he himself hates himself a little now.

It turns out that "like" is not a completely beautiful thing, it turns out that it can also bring suffering and pain to people.

This feeling is really like a poison, wishing to erode every cell in the brain and replace it with that person's figure, as a virus takes root in his brain, and gradually grows into a deadly poppy.

"Like" and the negativity it brought with it dominated his thoughts, giving him the desire to give up on himself.

Sometimes, once people start to give up on themselves, they are not afraid of anything.

The right hand is a little swollen, but that doesn't bother me.He picked up the phone, edited a message and sent it to Qin Ziliang without hesitation.

"Let me tell you something, I'm gay." The words were concise and to the point, without any explanation or reason, and the rhetoric he had revised countless times had been thrown into the back of his mind at this time.

Qin Ziliang usually replied in seconds, but this time he was silent for a long time.

Yang Siyuan didn't even bother to guess whether he didn't have time to look at the phone or was digesting the information, it didn't matter anyway, he would have to accept the ending sooner or later, if that was the case, then it would be better to die early and be reborn early, so he wouldn't have to torture himself and lie to others.

The phone screen had been dark for a long time, so long that Yang Siyuan didn't want to wait any longer, so he sent a reply.

"Don't make trouble."

Yang Siyuan pulled the corner of his mouth and laughed, it was a self-deprecating, sneering, and wry smile.

"I'm not making trouble, I like Li Yu'an." He also sent it without a trace of hesitation, Yang Siyuan only now realized that maybe he really inherited Yang Jianxin's ruthlessness and Chen Limei's indifference, otherwise how could he be able to be so calm.

There was silence for a long time.

"What about Miu Miao?"

"she does not know."

"Calm down and think clearly."

Yang Siyuan really laughed out loud this time.

"I'm very calm and very clear." It's so cruel that I didn't leave any leeway.

After sending this sentence, Qin Ziliang never replied.

This is reasonable, Yang Siyuan has already made preparations, and he is not too disappointed.If Qin Ziliang showed any support and understanding, then he would really be at a loss.Fortunately, they know each other so well.

Yang Siyuan put down his phone, closed his eyes calmly, and suddenly felt much more relaxed.

If you lose it, you lose it. Anyway, if you want him to present Qin Ziliang a false self, he can't accept it anyway.If he is doomed to lose, then he doesn't have to make unnecessary efforts to restore it, so that it will be easier for both parties.

……

Nearly half a month later, Chen Miao suddenly sent him a message.

"You like Li Yu'an?"

Did Qin Ziliang think about it for so long before telling her?Has he also struggled for a long time, has he ever tried to understand himself?

But in front of the result, these are not important.Qin Ziliang chose to tell Chen Miao but did not write back to him, which in itself showed that he still could not accept it in the end.

"Yes." Yang Siyuan replied.

"...I am not against homosexuality." Chen Miao replied, "I also...have no hostility towards you. But we..."

She seemed to be having a hard time organizing her words, and it took her a long time to send the rest of her words.

"I think... probably after one of the two of us dislikes Li Yuan, we can be good friends without any grievances. I still want to say again, I am not against homosexuality, and I will not treat you Hostility. But at the moment the two of us... I'm afraid it will be awkward and unnatural, I don't know if you understand what I mean..."

Yang Siyuan sat on the bed and finished reading this passage quietly.

"I understand. Let's meet less," he said.

Chen Miao finally sent a goodnight little moon over, and then went offline.

The expression is very cute, a small cloud covers a small crescent, a bit like today's moon.The cold moonlight reflected on his face, as if the temperature of the night was several degrees lower, otherwise how could he feel that he was a little cold now.

Fan Li, Qin Ziliang, Chen Miao.

Fan Li didn't need to say any more.

Qin Ziliang and Chen Miao may not have an irreversible dislike for him, but after all, it will take some time for them to digest, and no matter how long this time is, it will wear down their friendship bit by bit.

He finally lost his few friends one by one.

But the person hidden in his heart is now unknown.

To this day, family affection, friendship, love... even health and dreams have been eroded to the point where there is nothing left.

It can be said that I have suffered a complete defeat.

Yang Siyuan held the phone, his shoulders gradually collapsed.

……

The electric fan in the house was broken, and Li Yu'an had been too hot to sleep for several days. He thought about buying a new one, but his nasty living habits always forced him to pick up tools.

Although he is now making more money than before, his quality of life has not improved at all.On the one hand, it is the debt problem, and on the other hand, his own habits for many years can no longer be changed, and he has become a pauper and stingy.

Well, if you subtract the money to repay the debt, you are indeed a poor man.

That night he repaired the electric fan again, but it still broke in the middle of blowing.He tossed and turned and couldn't fall asleep, and got up in the middle of the night to look again, and found that there was another problem with the bearing, which he hadn't noticed before.

He thought about it, and it seemed that the electric fan at home was similar to this one, maybe he could remove the one at home and try it.

Originally, the electric fans here and at home were dying, and it was the best way to replace them with new ones, but he just insisted on repairing them until they couldn't repair them.

It's ridiculous to say that he spends money on Yang Siyuan without blinking his eyes, and when it comes to his own life, he can make do with whatever he can, and he doesn't know whose life he is living.

It happened that the next day was the weekend, and he could go back to the county to pick up things.

What he thought at the time was that it had been so long, Yang Siyuan should have given up a long time ago, and now he would definitely not wait at his door, so he dared to go back at this time.

However, good fortune makes people, good fortune makes people, how could Li Yu'an imagine that Yang Siyuan, who couldn't even develop a good impression of him, would be missed by Yang Siyuan for so long.

When he arrived home that afternoon, Yang Siyuan was indeed not waiting at the door, so he went in and removed the parts of the electric fan. After washing his hands, he searched for the painting he forgot to take away last time. After thinking about it, there was nothing else to bring. Then go out to go.

Everything was normal until the door was locked.

However, when he buckled the rusty iron lock and turned to go out, he couldn't take a step anyway.

At the end of that narrow alley, there was a person standing, the afterglow of the setting sun dyed his side face, casting a shadow beside him.

He seemed to have lost a lot of weight, and the short sleeves he wore before were a bit bulky now. He stood there in a daze, with a slight surprise on his face, as if he didn't believe what he saw.

Li Yu'an didn't want to believe the scene in front of him either, it was like an oil painting with strong colors, but it would be great if it was really just a painting.

Li Yu'an stood in front of the door, looking at Yang Siyuan at the entrance of the alley.

During the Spring Festival this year, they were also like this, one at the door and the other at the alley.It's just that at that time, one of them was wearing the sun, and the other was running forward, unlike now, one of them was covered with the setting sun that was about to wither, and the other took a step without a shred of courage.

At that time it was Li Yu'an running towards Yang Siyuan, now it is Yang Siyuan walking towards him slowly like a walking corpse.

Following Yang Siyuan's movements, the shadow climbed up and covered his entire body.

Li Yu'an stood where he was, wanting to escape, but was unwilling to escape.His fingertips trembled slightly, trying his best to control himself, watching Yang Siyuan walking towards him step by step.

close, close...

When Yang Si was only one step away from him, he almost lost the ability to breathe.

He read it right, Yang Siyuan lost a lot of weight, and also became haggard a lot.

The hair seems to have grown a lot, covering the eyebrows, and a few strands hang down to the corners of the eyes.His eyes were dull and chaotic, as if someone had stolen his soul.The lines of the cheeks and jaw are more defined and appear thinner under the rendering of shadows.

Not just his face... His shoulders also looked weak, his back was slightly bent, and his whole body seemed to be collapsed, without any energy.

As if terminally ill.

Li Yu'an's heart constricted suddenly, and he felt a sharp pain.

I don't know if the longing for many days gave him courage, but he dared to raise his eyes to meet Yang Siyuan's.

When they looked at each other, the things in their hands fell completely.

Yang Siyuan's eyes were bloodshot, and there was a transparent liquid struggling in his eyes.He also seemed to be trying his best to restrain himself, but in the end he was unsuccessful. Tears welled up in his eyes, and two shallow tear stains were drawn.

"You're back."