He is not worthy

Lie on it.

The doors and windows were closed tightly. I bought a lot of adhesive tape to cover the gaps in the door tightly.The coals were burning in the basin, and the room gradually became stuffy. I felt very hot, and my breath was pressed in my lungs. I coughed, grabbed my shoulders, and pressed myself hard on the sofa.

I seemed to be dreaming about him again, and he said to me, Wen Jia, let's get married.

"Wen Jia...Zhao Wenjia...you open the door for me."

The door was suddenly slammed, and the sound was compared. Someone was shouting outside the door, and I heard a familiar voice.

Then the back door was knocked open, he kicked over the charcoal basin and hugged me.I huddled in his arms, the whole world was shaking, darkening inch by inch.

When I woke up, I was in the hospital.

I moved a bit, my arm was heavy, I turned my head to look over, my left hand was held in his arms, and he leaned half his body beside me.

He didn't wake up, I tried to stretch out my hand, but he held it down again, I sighed, and said in a low voice: "Shen Yan..."

He moved slightly, maintained that movement for a few seconds, and then seemed to wake up.

He looked up at me with a happy expression, but immediately became angry, let go of my hand, and looked at me angrily, "How can you burn charcoal? Zhao Wenjia, what are you thinking? Are you going to commit suicide? "

I was so fierce by him that I couldn't speak. I stared blankly at him, pursed my mouth, and tears fell down.He was taken aback for a moment, then wailed, and said, "Why are you crying again? Don't cry every time something happens."

I cried harder, sobbing, louder and louder.He grabbed my hair and wanted to come over to hug me, but he didn't dare. His hand touched my shoulder carefully, and I heard him say: "Okay, okay, I won't talk about you anymore, Wen Jia, don't cry Come on, be good, okay, don't cry, just be fine."

I looked at the familiar face in front of me and thought of the dream I had before.

I was sitting on the blue sofa, Shen Yan was standing in front of me, he said to me, Wen Jia, you have to live well.

39

I stayed in the hospital for two weeks, and the person I saw the most was Shen Yan.He would come every day and sit by my bed. I was languid and curled up in the quilt. I didn't talk to him at first, and he didn't take the initiative to talk to me. The whole room was quiet, with the occasional sound of him typing on the keyboard.

When it's time for dinner, he will ask me what I want to eat. If I don't say anything, he will buy it according to his heart. For three days, I ate red bean porridge in the morning, lunch and evening.

He eats in different ways beside me, Chinese food and Western food are even more extreme, and Malatang.I lay on the bed with my back to him, I was hungry and didn't want to drink red bean porridge, but I still smelled the hot and sour smell, I couldn't help it, I turned my head and said to him: "Can you go out to eat? "

He bit off the tip of a bamboo shoot, and grinned at me, "Finally willing to talk to me."

He asked me what I wanted to eat, I was silent, and he started counting down, shouting the numbers and saying, "The last five seconds, if you don't tell me, I'll still buy you red bean porridge."

I looked at him in disbelief, he picked up the bowl and took a sip of the soup, then restarted the countdown.

I hurriedly said, "Pork bone ramen...I want to eat this."

He put the leftover lunch box into the bag, and said, "Okay, I'll buy it for you."

My mouth was bland, and I finished that bowl of tonkotsu ramen with the soup.Shen Yan came to clean up, I gave him the noodle box, he asked me if it was delicious, I said it was okay.

"Then what do you want to eat tomorrow?"

I didn't want to answer at first, but I was afraid that he would buy me red bean porridge, so I said, "You can eat whatever you want."

The next day, he ate red bean porridge.

40

After I was discharged from the hospital, probably because I was afraid that I would commit suicide, Bowen actually stood on the same line with him.Shen Yan would come to see me every day, and he sat outside the door and waited until I opened the door for him.

The property security came to ask me if I needed to call the police. I thought it was too ugly, so I opened the door and asked if he was a perverted stalker?

He has lost his temper now, and he is not angry when he hears me scolding him like this. He told me that he is worried about me.

I ignored him, didn't close the door, walked back to the living room, and he followed closely.I went to the kitchen to drink cold water to reduce the fire, and when I came out, I saw him sitting on the sofa.

I was holding the water glass, feeling irritable, I stood five steps away from him, and I asked him, "You hated me so much before, why are you pestering me now?"

He sat in the halo of the setting sun pouring into the room, his shoulders seemed to be covered with platinum, he thought for a while and said: "I really hated you before, and thought you were the culprit. I drove you away, yes You said harsh words, I thought this would be enough, and I would be free, but later I found out that it was not.

During that time, I didn't dare to sleep, I was afraid that if I fell asleep, your heavy banquet would come out. "Speaking of this, he subconsciously looked towards me.

I stared at him and clenched my fists.

He immediately rolled his eyes away, and said: "Maybe the more you want to escape, the more irresistible you are. It is impossible for people to stay asleep forever. When I fell asleep, I dreamed of you. You walked in front, ran and jumped, I never I have never seen you so happy, you smiled at me, you said, Shen Yan, I want to be with you forever. Then I asked you, how long is forever?"

He snorted and laughed, "When I woke up, I wondered why I would ask such a stupid question, and then I realized that it wasn't me."

I called Shen Yan in my heart, my eyes were hot, I looked at him, and he also looked at me.I waited quietly and heard him ask, "Wen Jia, how long do you think is forever?"

I lowered my head, looked at the whitish knuckles, almost in unison, I said at the same time with him: "Forever is, from one moment of birth to the next moment of death."

He smiled, pressed his back into the sofa, and said: "I have a lot of dreams, dreaming of you and him. You play and laugh together and travel around the world. He kneels in the snow and proposes to you. He Holding you in circles, he yelled that he loves you." Shen Yan sighed, "It's clearly me, but it's not me."

Shocked in my heart, I asked him, "What happened after that?"

"Later?" He touched his nose with a slight smile on his face. I stared at the smile and heard him say, "I seem to know you again, although I know it's his memory, but these memories are so beautiful , I can’t bear to think about it, and I don’t want to turn a blind eye.”

He stood up, walked towards me, and said to me, "I still know what you said to me before." He paused, as if thinking, correcting his mouth, and said: " qamuSHa', I will say too."

41

Through him, I tried to trace some other traces.

But he is just him, the shadow that flashes out occasionally is just my illusion.

Because of my self-inflicted behavior, Bowen no longer allowed me to be depressed like this. He made another appointment with a psychologist for me, and I did not refuse.It rained heavily on Friday, and now I'm upset at the sight of rain, and my desire to go outside is retracted at the sound of raindrops.I was going to tell Bowen to go another day, when the doorbell rang, Shen Yan's voice came from outside the door, "Zhao Wenjia, open the door."

I opened the door, he stood outside the door and looked at me with a smile, I asked him, "What's the matter?"

He said: "Your agent came to me and said that you are going to the hospital today, and I will take you there."

I said no, so he said it was not an appointment?I frowned and said, "Don't meddle in your own business."

He froze for a moment, stopped talking, and just looked at me. Under his gaze, I felt unreasonably guilty.I heard the crackling rain outside the window, his voice became blurred in the rain, and he whispered: "I don't think it's meddling."

I was stunned, turned my back, and said, "Then wait for me."

I followed him downstairs, his car was parked in the garage, he opened the passenger door for me, I glanced at him, his eyebrows were lowered.I got in the car, and he came around from the front and opened the door. In the cramped space, I smelled the pine woody perfume on his body, which was bought by me.

The car started, he turned on the stereo, and asked me, "Have you eaten yet?"

"have eaten."

"what did you eat?"

I didn't speak, he chased and asked again.I turned my face out of the car window, and the car came out of the underground garage. The cloudy blue sky was falling, and I said, "I reheated the mung bean pancakes you bought for me yesterday, and I ate them all."

He just laughed, the same laugh as before.I quietly covered my heart and took a deep breath.

When I arrived at the hospital, I happened to see the psychiatrist talking to the front desk when I entered. She was slightly taken aback when she saw Shen Yan and me coming together.I walked into the room, Shen Yan was sitting on the sofa outside, the door was gently closed, he waved to me like a lucky cat.

I turned around and saw the doctor smiling at me and she asked me how I was doing?I can't tell.

I told her that I used to have dreams, but now I don't even have dreams.I leaned on the sofa, I said that I committed suicide before, but was rescued by Shen Yan.

I mentioned Shen Yan, the doctor was thoughtful, and she said to me: "Actually, some time ago, Shen Yan came to me and asked if I could bring back his lost personality."

I looked at her, and she said: "I also know a lot about your affairs, I hope you all get better, psychotherapy is a long and difficult process. Wen Jia, have you ever thought that Shen Yan has always been Shen Yan, he is just recovering now."

I shook my head, and I said, "I can't think like that, it's too cruel to him."

The doctor sighed, I lowered my head, and I heard her say: "There used to be a saying that dual personality can actually be called 'differentiation of self-awareness'. The patient divides himself into two parts. Partly considered the observer self and the observed self.

After ego differentiation, the observer's ego