He is not worthy

becomes the subject, and the observed self becomes the object.That is to say, the observer self is often the 'ideal self', while the observed self is the 'real self'.

The ideal self is the goal that the moral society requires him to achieve. Shen Yan has lived in the eyes of others since he was a child. He is unwilling to let his parents down, and he has worked hard to plan everything for himself. To achieve the complete social value of oneself.And the real self is about the thoughts and attitudes of who he is really like, which has become his Garden of Eden, and his dreams and interests, including love, are born inside like fruits.

It is precisely because of the differentiation of self-awareness that the subjectivity of thinking or behavior is formed, and the experience of judging behavior according to one's own ideas is produced, and then contradictions arise.

The ideal self is different from the real self. The former can be future, while the latter can only be reality.

But the ideal self is not always correct. It often greatly exceeds the reality, and sometimes lags behind the reality. The ideal and reality contradict each other, and the pain it brings cannot be underestimated.

If the ideal self is changed and accommodated by the actual self, then the incorrect ideal self will change. When it is exactly the same as the actual self, the actual self derived from the subject will disappear, which will form a complete unity of self-consciousness. "

The water in the water glass ran out, and the rain outside the window completely stopped. The doctor said to me: "Shen Yan's ideal and reality have been unified. From my point of view, Wen Jia has actually recovered, and his primary and secondary personalities are both his. Even if there are deviations in behavior, the only thing that remains the same is that he loves you." ①

-

Note ① from the 1992 edition of "Encyclopedia of Chinese Youth".

42

I came out of the room, Shen Yan leaned on the sofa, and fell asleep with her eyes closed.The light from the rear window is dim, his head is raised slightly, and his upper and lower eyelashes are very long. I approached and reached out to wake him up, but stopped when I touched him

I turned around and mouthed to the front desk to wait a while before leaving, and the front desk nodded.I took out a magazine and sat at the other end, the sofa sank slightly, I flipped through a few pages of the magazine absent-mindedly, and turned my head to look at him from time to time.

He slept soundly, maybe because he was very tired, I could hear his deep breathing from this distance.

I looked at his familiar face, and by accident, I squeezed the magazine in my hand and moved closer to him.The stiff arm was stretched out, and the knuckles were so tense that they turned white. I carefully touched his eyebrows with my fingers, and the tiny fluff brushed against my fingertips. I was about to cry.

I opened my mouth and silently called Shen Yan.At this moment, when I let go of the phone in my pocket, it rang suddenly. I immediately pressed the phone, but he was still awakened.His eyelashes trembled slightly, he frowned, and opened his eyes.

I still maintained the original movements, but he looked at me in a daze, called Wen Jia, and then opened his arms and hugged me.

I felt his face buried in the crook of my neck, and he was talking small things, saying, "Wen Jia, I'm so sleepy."

My lips and teeth opened and closed, all the hot air sprayed on my neck, and my spine went limp.

43

I immediately stood up and walked out. He came back to his senses and shouted behind me, "Zhao Wenjia, slow down."

I didn't stop either, but I was in his car, and I still had to wait for him beside the car in the end.With one hand in his trouser pocket, he walked slowly towards me, deliberately slowing down his steps, and twirling the car keys on his fingers, like a hooligan.

He said, "Look, you still have to wait for me."

I turned my head away from looking at him.He walked up to me, put his hand on my hair, and rubbed it vigorously, he said with a smile in his voice, "Wen Jia is so cute."

I couldn't help thinking about it, I looked up at him, and he had gone around to the other side.

I got in and put on my seat belt.He was driving, with one hand resting on the steering wheel, and the other hand stretched out. I watched his hand land on my shoulder, and stroked my fingers lightly. He said, "There is a piece of wool, I removed it for you."

I pressed my shoulders into the back of the chair, stared at the thread he was pinching between his index finger and thumb, and reached out to grab it.But he opened his palm, and my fingers were stuck between his fingers, five fingers intertwined, his palm was so warm.

I shrank back hard, trying to break free from him, but his hand held me firmly, my knuckles were aching, and I whispered: "Let me go."

He moved closer to me, his breath was very hot, spraying in my ears, I shivered, and when I heard his voice, he said: "Wen Jia, I fell asleep just now, and I dreamed of you again."

We were very close, his voice seemed to be whispering, a little hoarse, I dare not breathe, he said to me: "You are crying, you are crying under me, I am hard."

I opened my eyes wide and looked at him in disbelief. He meant something, and his eyelashes gently closed.I glanced down with difficulty and saw a bulge.I pushed him away with a slap, but his hand was still tightly clenched, and I whispered, "Let me go."

Maybe it was because he was really anxious to see me, he let go of his hand, but he didn't retreat, but leaned forward to put his hand on my side, the oppressive intrusion made me feel uneasy.He stared at me like some kind of beast, and I said, "Shen Yan... what do you want to do?"

He took a deep breath, the air was hot and restless, our breath blended, and my throat was dry.He backed away slowly, with both hands neatly placed on the steering wheel, no one spoke, and the car was eerily quiet.

The car was parked in my garage, and when I was about to get out of the car, Shen Yan called me, and he asked me: "I'm your driver, do you want to invite me up for dinner?"

I looked at him inexplicably, "I don't know how to cook."

He said, "I will."

He used that face to play tricks, and the tone of his speech made me feel familiar. I was a little lost, and the hand holding the car door stopped, and he was still begging me, "I'm starving to death, let me go."

"It's up to you." I dropped two words and walked outside. He got out of the car and trotted to my side.

I walked a few steps quickly, and he stretched out his hand and grabbed the hem of my clothes, "Go slowly."

I walked to the elevator and stopped, and he was standing beside me.The elevator door opened, and it was me and him in the mirror. He was a head taller than me, and he stood still and looked down at me.

I don't know how much food is in the house, but it was bought by Bowen and him. When he entered the house, he went to the kitchen, opened the refrigerator and took out everything in it.He asked me what I wanted to eat, I glanced at the red beans on the cooking table, pursed my lips, and ordered two dishes.

His cooking has always been delicious, unlike me.

He cooked a table full of dishes, I frowned at him, and I said, "It's just the two of us, we can't finish it."

He put down the spoon, went out with the bowl, and put it on the long log-colored table. He said to me, "Today is my birthday. Make some more, just for fun."

I was stunned, looking at him at a loss, I whispered: "I forgot."

"It's been a while since I had a birthday," he said, fiddling with the dinner plate, still smiling.

At that moment, I suddenly felt that he was not so hateful.If I were him, I would probably be more unable to control my emotions than him. He didn't kill me, he was already doing his best to me.

He must be angry. Most of his life was ruined because of me. Everything in the family business was originally planned. He might not even like men.And for the past two years, I have been entangled with him every day, I told him that I love him, I showed him videos and photos, I quarreled with him, and I accused him of not loving me.

But none of this is his fault, he is the most innocent, he just wants to come back.

Shen Yan pulled the chair away and asked me to sit down. His hand pressed on my shoulder and squeezed it lightly.He was behind me, with a satisfied tone, he said, "You said, you will celebrate my birthday for me from now on."

I nodded, and he said, "Wen Jia, can you start over, just treat me as him, I want to start over with you."

"It's not fair to you."

He rubbed my chin with the back of his hand, he lowered his head, I felt his breath getting closer to me, and he said to me: "At first I concealed my medical history, which is unfair to you."

He uses "I" as if he is the one I've been in a relationship with for five years.I was shaking all over, as if a bullet had blasted a gap in my heart.He hugged my neck from behind, buried his face in the socket of my neck, and said to me over and over again, "Give me a chance, Wen Jia."

I pulled his hand away, didn't look back, almost ran away, I walked towards the kitchen, I told him not to come, I covered my face, I said: "It's your birthday, I'll cook noodles for you. "

He was startled, a smile appeared on his face.

The longevity noodles that have been cooked for five years have ushered in the sixth year, and my cooking skills have not improved.The noodles were put into boiling water, and the time of cooking was probably too long, and they were all mushy when they were taken out.I was in a state of confusion, and my hands shook violently when I put the ingredients in. I probably put too much salt and pepper, and I felt that the clear soup was not good-looking, so I added a spoonful of chili oil, and the red color looked attractive.

He took out the noodles and placed them in front of Shen Yan. He took a bite with the chopsticks, his expression changed, and he spit it out immediately.

He covered his mouth, his voice was hoarse, and he said, "Zhao Wenjia, are you going to kill me?"

I stared at him blankly, and I asked, "Aren't you going to eat?"

"Don't eat."

His expression was determined, I stared at him, and after a few seconds, he picked up the chopsticks tremblingly, "Actually, it's okay, it's edible."

I just laughed, and I sat beside him and pulled his chopsticks away, "Don't force yourself if it doesn't taste good, you used to have diarrhea every time you finished eating the noodles I made."

After saying this, I froze for a moment.He didn't refute me, but followed my words and said, "Wen Jia, your talents and skills are all focused elsewhere."

I asked him where it was,