He is not worthy

When I was anxious, it was he who said to me more than once beside me, Wen Jia, you are very talented, I like your paintings, and you will become the best painter.

I used to hear people say that the furthest distance in the world is when you stand in front of me but don’t know that I love you. I think that is fucking bullshit. The furthest distance is when I am still there but he is gone.

I could breathe and eat and sleep, but he fell into the black hole with nothing.

I don't want to live anymore, but I don't dare to die, I'm still lucky, I'm afraid that my Shen Yan will come back and can't find me.

30

On weekends, I went to the studio, and the aunt who cleaned the house hadn’t seen me for a long time, so she was a little surprised to see me.She walked towards me quickly, and I heard her say, "Miss Zhao, you are finally here, and Mr. Shen is here to see you this month." She pulled me inside and pointed to the door, "Stand there, Standing for most of the day."

I froze, frowned, and felt irritable.

I said to my aunt, "If he asks about me, don't tell him anything."

I went inside and stood in front of the half-finished painting.Too many things happened during this period. I sat on the ground, crossed my legs and looked at the unfinished painting in front of me. I grabbed the scraper at hand and tore the painting from top to bottom.I stood up, opened the drawing board, there was a loud bang, and my aunt knocked on the door and called me, but I couldn't hear anything.

I destroyed everything in the studio, and the world I had painted for days and nights was abandoned by my own hands, and I seemed to have stepped on the ground.

In the end I lay down in those color fragments, I covered my eyes with my hands, and I yelled Shen Yan's name, sobbing uncontrollably.

The door was knocked open, I curled myself up slowly, I heard someone walking towards me, my arm was grabbed hard, it hurt so much.

Shen Yan's face came into my sight, he looked angry, pinched my chin, "Zhao Wenjia, are you crazy?"

"Don't worry about it." I slapped his hand away, pushing him away with almost all my strength.I fell to the ground, grabbed the shredded paper and threw it on his face. He was stunned for a moment, but he didn't seem to react.

My eyes were hot, and I covered half of my face, and I said, "I hate you."

After the words fell, he stared at me blankly.

That was obviously the result he had tried everything he could to achieve, but at this moment, he seemed to be the one who suffered more and felt wronged.He lowered his head, curled his fingers, and placed them by his side helplessly. He called me Wen Jia, his lips parted, and he didn't say a word.

I looked up at him, I started to cry, like a beggar, I crawled to his feet, grabbed his legs, I begged him, I said, "Shen Yan, I miss you so much, can you come out? You Come back to me, okay? Please."

He was stiff and motionless.

After a long time, he picked me up. I couldn't stand still, and I was hugged by him. His hands were clasped on my lower back, and his heart was beating very fast.I heard him say: "Zhao Wenjia, don't cry, he's still here."

31

"He's still here."

The four gentle words gave me the whole world.

I looked at him dully, Shen Yan lowered his head, I stretched out my hand to touch him, my fingertips brushed his eyebrows, the palms were trembling, I carefully traced.He didn't move and let me stroke his eyebrows, I whispered, "Shen Yan..."

He grabbed my hand and called me Wen Jia.

He seems like Shen Yan, but he is not, he is not.

I pushed him away and rushed out the door.

I heard him calling me from behind, I ran to the door, he stopped me, we were entangled at the intersection, I yelled at him, "What do you want? You can give him your body, you can make him Is he coming out?" I pointed at him, and I said, "You can't, so stop looking for me, and stop giving me these false hopes."

I wiped away my tears and turned to leave.

I crossed the road, and he called me from behind, his voice was startled, and he said, "Zhao Wenjia, come back to me."

I didn't look back, I was like crazy, standing in the middle of the road blankly.As the traffic was passing by, I heard the horn honking, and then I was grabbed by the arm, and I was dragged to the side of the road by him.His hands were trembling, I opened his hands little by little, I looked up at him, and I said: "It's all like this, he hasn't even shown up, he... won't come back.

I'm sorry, I was the one who was pestering you before, we really don't want to meet again in the future. "

I backed up and he stepped forward. I didn't want to look at that face again. When I walked back, I heard him say, "Zhao Wenjia, can you listen to me? I have something to tell you."

32

He said go home and I said it wasn't my home.

He said, "Then let's go to Houhai Garden No. 20, Dongting Road, shall we?"

I said nothing, and he added, "I want to have a good talk with you."

I remember I used to pester him all the time, I said Shen Yan, I want to talk to you, let's talk, okay?He didn't like me, even hated me, he told me he didn't want to see me.

But now he looks at me, waiting anxiously in pain, he calls me Wen Jia, he seems to have got a cheating device, I can't control myself, I can only say yes.

Afterwards, he drove, and I sat in his car, leaning against the window, and the hot air from my mouth scalded the glass into a cloud of water mist.It was too quiet in the car, I subconsciously turned on the stereo, he glanced at me, I froze for a second, the music started to play, it was my favorite band.

My nose was sore, so was my throat, and I closed my eyes.

I fell into a drowsy sleep. When I woke up, the sky outside the car window was already dark, and my seat belt was unbuckled. I looked sideways at him, and he opened the car door with his back facing me.

I walked behind him into the house, I haven't been back for a long time, the layout of the house has all changed, I turned my eyes away, he said to go to the second floor.

"You don't need to take off your shoes, just come up directly."

I followed him upstairs, the living room on the second floor was empty, he was really trying hard to erase the traces of my previous life with Shen Yan.I sneered, and he turned around, and the sarcasm on my face was still there, and he stared at me and said, "I was going to sell this house."

I was taken aback, he went out, opened the balcony door, he stood there and said: "Then one day I stood here, it was an afternoon, and the sunset was beautiful when it was about to enter winter, so I couldn't bear it.

I think of you and him, you stand here, do you often watch the sunset together? "

I didn't speak, and heard him say, "Zhao Wenjia, he used to be just an emotion of mine, or he was nothing. As long as I take medicine on time every day and control my emotions, I will still be me. But since he met you , everything changed. He took up more and more time, I don't know what he was doing, I just felt tired, I didn't have enough energy, I became weak, until one day I lost control of this body , I became the guy in the corner."

Speaking of which, he took out his cigarette case and walked into the balcony to lean against the railing, with a cigarette dangling from his thin lips, he smiled at me and then lowered his head, a fire lit up in the darkness, holding the cigarette between his fingers, he raised his head and slowly Breathing out the smoke slowly, I heard him say: "For five full years, my life has been blank for five full years, and I was used by that idiot to fall in love with you."

He paused, laughed, and said, "I'm so fucking jealous."

I stare blankly at him, the sparks flickering and then extinguishing, he becomes one with the night.I heard his voice, very softly, "I have been fighting with him, I want him to die, and he wants me to die, especially when you cry, I can hear him scolding in his heart Me. Then you finally left, he started begging me, he kept begging me, he said he missed you."

He walked towards me, opened his arms and hugged me violently, pinched my chin, kissed me with the smell of tobacco, and my lips were broken by his teeth.I reacted and struggled fiercely, he grabbed my waist, I heard his voice, he told me, "Zhao Wenjia, I will give him back to you."

33

He let me go and my mind was half empty and I asked him what do you mean.He walked past me and said sorry.

When I got home, I thought about what he said all night. He said he would return Shen Yan to me.The night light was dimly on, and I stared at the ceiling, unable to sleep all night.

Until six o'clock in the morning, I heard a knock on the door in a trance. I just closed my eyes and fell asleep for 10 minutes, and got up top-heavy.I walked to the door, leaned on the door, reached for the lock, the door lock clicked, and the door opened a small crack.

When I saw the people outside the gap, I was stunned, and slowly came to my senses. I pulled the door and maintained my original movement, and asked in a low voice, "What's the matter with you?"

He took a step forward, wearing a light gray shirt, some wrinkled black trousers, and the red string on his wrist was faintly visible, which I begged for him in the temple.I haven't seen this red rope for a long time, I guessed in my heart, but I didn't dare to give myself such hope, I was so scared, I shivered, the voice came out of my throat, and I said to him: "You Don't play tricks on me."

He lowered his eyes, his eyelashes were very long, and they collided with the lower eyelashes. His gaze was like melting ice water. He called my name, and he said, "Wen Jia, I... miss you so much."

I was dazed and stupid, looking at him dully, speechless.

Clutching the door tightly, my knuckles were aching. After a long time, I found my voice and said, "Shen Yan...Chen Yan...Chen Yan..."

I yelled his name, I couldn't control myself, my whole body was about to explode, my whole body was hot, my calves were shaking, I couldn't support my body, and I fell to the ground all at once.He was startled and wanted to help me, I raised my hand to keep him still, and I said, "Don't come here, you just stand here, I have to come here by myself."

I didn't live up to it, I cried again, my body convulsed