He is not worthy

moving ceiling.

I feel uncomfortable, I feel the change in myself towards Shen Yan.In this way, I buried all the love accumulated by memories into the scrap yard like throwing garbage.

I still hate him, hate to the bone marrow.

I want to draw a clear line, I want to never communicate with each other, and I tell myself that I will never have anything to do with him again in this life.

19

It was Shen Yan's business that this turmoil subsided with another turmoil.His father announced that he would sever the father-son relationship with him. This incident caused a lot of trouble in the city, whether it was in the financial circle or elsewhere.

Bowen seemed to know some inside information. He told me that it seemed that Shen Yan's remorse made both families embarrassed. In addition, Shen Yan said that he liked men in front of the woman's family, which made them Father flew into a rage.

Puzzled, I asked, "Why did he do that?"

Bowen shrugged, "Who knows? Maybe he remembered?"

He hesitated to say this, but it made my heart tighten. I swallowed my saliva and repeated his words in a low voice, "Remember?"

I seemed to be dazed, Bowen immediately held my hand when he saw me like this, "Wen Jia, don't be stupid again."

I am indeed being stupid, what on earth am I getting away with.

I pushed him away and I said to him, "I want to be alone for a while."

20

In September, I went back to France to celebrate the school's [-]th anniversary.The school exhibited many graduate works. I didn't expect that I could appear on the school's honor wall. My name was put together with many well-known painters. I stood outside the exhibition area and looked at it for a long time.

I met the professor who taught me before, and chatted with him about the current situation. When he saw my current work, he asked me if I was having a good time.

My eyes were hot, I nodded, and I told him that I was very tired.

I think there is no art in happiness, only in pain.

All my work is cathartic, I sometimes finish a painting and don't want anyone to see it.Those colors that exposed my emotions and pain, like the ugly scars I showed to the world, I dug up and explored to make myself more depressed.

We walked under a row of plane trees, and the temperature was very comfortable.The professor left first because he had something to do. I wandered to the library alone. I opened the door and went in. There were not many people inside, and it was quiet.

When I was reading, I liked to come here, flip through some picture albums, and occasionally secretly draw Shen Yan reading in the sketchbook.His back was facing the window, the light was dizzy behind him, he seemed to have grown wings, I drew him as an angel.

Revisiting the old place, the mood is completely opposite.I went back to where we used to sit, with my back to the window, and felt the wind blowing over my neck, making it a little cool.

Is it the same feeling when Shen Yan is sitting here?

I looked up, scanned one side of the bookshelf, and saw a row of books on psychological counseling, some of which I had read.I stood up and stretched out my hand, took a copy at random, and glanced at the cover... "24 Personalities".

I opened the cover and read a few pages. Since I came into contact with those books on psychology, I gradually began to understand that split personality is not a sci-fi scene in a movie but a real existence.

But it was still too far away from me. I was curious and flipped through the pages. After reading more than half of it, I frowned and turned to the last page, and then I was stunned.The school library still used library cards a few years ago, and students who had read it would mark their names on the last page of the card. This book was checked out by two people, and the second one had two Chinese characters... ...Shen Yan.

He borrowed the book?I checked the time, it was five years ago, when we first met.

I tugged at the collar that was stuck around my neck, put the book down, and ran to the bookshelf.I don't know what I'm doing, I just feel that I should go, I should do it.My legs were weak and my hands were trembling. I took down the suspicious-looking books from the shelf one by one. Wilson" and Stevenson's novel "Dr. Jekyll", I put them on the table, and when I turned to the last page, I saw the same name, Shen Yan.

I... trembled all over, I didn't know what to say at all, I fell on the chair, the gust of wind was about to numb the back of my neck, and I didn't react.I opened a book and started reading, this time seriously.

I don't know how long it took, I heard the bell, two or three times.I turned my head slowly and saw the setting sun outside the window, the layer of light was about to disappear.The librarian came to remind me that they were off work. I was a little dazed, and it took me a long time to get back to my senses.

21

I went back to the hotel where I was temporarily staying to pack my luggage, and I asked Bowen to book a plane ticket for me for the night, and I wanted to return home immediately.

I didn't sleep all night, the plane arrived at the domestic airport, and I hailed a taxi after I got out of customs.

I was restless in the car, the taxi followed my request, and finally stopped in front of the familiar neighborhood.

The security guard at the gate knew me and did not stop me. The car stopped at the gate of the villa.I got out of the car, bypassed the closed gate, stood outside the yard railing, rolled up my sleeves and jumped over the wall.

I've always known that Shen Yan has the habit of keeping a diary, but I don't have the habit of casually prying into other people's privacy, and I won't ask what he wrote.And now, I'm the type of person I used to hate the most, I sneaked into this house, entered through the balcony door, I was like a thief, rummaged through boxes and boxes and finally found the diary in his safe, the password was My birthday.

The diary was put together with a few stacks of cash. I took it out, sat on the ground, and opened the first page.

22

"I am who I am not because of my physical structure, but because I have a certain view of the world and life, a certain behavior, and this is derived from the course of my life; personality is formed from this, and I have trait."①

I like this sentence very much, it makes me feel that I am not an extra person.

Although my parents don't like me, they often say that it would be fine if I'm not here, but I appear, isn't it because I have this value, so I appear.

Zhao Wenjia is a special existence. The way he looked at me made me feel strength.I'm afraid of disappearing, afraid of being suppressed, afraid of the time when I can't say, move, or think. He set me free.

I almost cried when he told me he loved me.

Ever since I was a kid, when I showed up, everyone I met was trying to make me disappear, they didn't love me, they hated me.

Only Zhao Wenjia loves me, he said he likes me, he likes to see me smile.

……

It was a fragment from Shen Yan's diary.

That diary was made of a blade, every page was a sharp blade, my palms were hurting, and the sweat was blood, I turned over the pages one by one, but couldn’t hold back the pain and cried.I called Shen Yan's name, and I hugged the diary tightly, as if holding my Shen Yan in my arms.

-

Notes: ①From "Facing Your Inner Fear"

23

The door opened with a "click", and I knelt on the ground motionless.

"Zhao Wenjia..."

It was Shen Yan's voice, he was walking towards me, I turned my head to look at him, I met his eyes, I asked him, "Who are you?"

He was stunned, and then with a half-smile, he said, "Who could I be?"

I hate him so much, and the pain I couldn't hold back is all vented at this moment. I stand up on my body, step forward quickly, and grab his collar. I look at him fiercely, and I say : "Give me back my Shen Yan."

He stared at me exactly the same way as that day, with a sharp intent to kill me.

He broke my hand, I was in pain, he pushed me away, took out the diary in my hand, he looked down at me.I heard him say: "You already know, then let me tell you, I am Shen Yan. The one who loves you is just a coward who wants to replace me. He is nothing."

His voice rang in my ears, "He messed up my life, just because he fell in love with you, he was going to fight back. Everything was messed up, he controlled this body and broke with the family, taking his own future It's a joke, everything I planned is gone, and he still wants to marry you?"

He grabbed my neck and said, "Zhao Wenjia, I can only leave you."

I took his hand and looked up, tears streaming down like this, hitting the back of his hand.He flinched back and let me go, and I fell to the ground, coughing non-stop.

I called Shen Yan's name and told him, give him back to me.

"He's gone, he'll never come out, he's dead." Shen Yan pointed to his head, "Now there's only me here, only me, Zhao Wenjia, why don't you understand."

"No, he said he will always be by my side, we will..."

He interrupted me, he squeezed my shoulder, and he said, "I don't know what happened to you and him, and I don't want to know."

He frowned, both his eyes and the arc of his eyebrows were irritating, I looked at him almost in a daze, and he suddenly reached out and wiped away the tears on my face, "Don't cry anymore."

He is indeed different.

I said to him, "I see."

I got up under his gaze, and he called out, "Where are you going?"

I said, "Go home."

24

I didn't climb over the wall again, I went out through the gate, like last time, but it was different, this time he was here, he came out of the house, and followed me all the way.I looked back at him and I said, "What are you going to do?"

He froze for a moment, turned his eyes away, and I heard him say: "You are not in good condition, I'm afraid