Encyclopedia love letter

you are my fire

let me see nothing in all eyes

saved from hopelessness

-

Xia Jianjing thought of thousands of ways to reunite with Lu Zai, but no matter which way, there was only one ending in Xia Jianjing's mind - Lu Zai would ignore him.

Lu Zai will never talk to him, because Lu Zai will never forgive him in his life.

Xia Jianjing never even dreamed that he would meet Lu Zai again in such a desperate situation in this place full of wars.

It's actually not accurate to say that, in the past few years, Xia Jianjing didn't dare to think of Lu Zai at all, even in his dreams, he didn't dare to think of Lu Zai.

In the fourth winter he left, the second phase of the "Chaoyang Ji" project finally started, and he fulfilled his promise to Xia Ping.

After he sent the data to the place, he couldn't wait for a second, and immediately bought a ticket to return home.

Until the plane landed at the Capital International Airport, the sense of unreality that seemed to be in another world still surrounded him tightly, lingering, and he didn't feel relieved at all.

He walked out of the airport and walked among the hurried crowd. He was alone and out of place.

He seemed to have evaporated from this world for four years. He couldn't contact the people he was familiar with. At the same time, no one knew how to contact him. He and his past were completely derailed.

He hired a taxi, and the driver was very enthusiastic. He talked nonsense with him all the way, chatting about the ever-changing changes in the city, and talking about the short and bad things about his parents.

The driver talked for a long time, but seeing that he didn't respond, he threw a conversation at him.

The driver's question was not difficult, just asking where he was from and where he came from, but he opened his mouth and couldn't say a word for a long time.

At that moment, he realized that he had not communicated with anyone for four years.

He lied to Xia Ping, he didn't make new friends at all in the new environment, he read and studied alone, lived a regular life by himself, and did what he should do.

His daily communication relies on emails and messages, he rarely speaks, he is unwilling to speak, and he has no one to speak to.

Gradually, Xia Jianjing became like this, unable to speak a word.

Xia Ping has also been wronged, but he has long been disappointed in his alma mater, and he has no energy to go back to school to teach and educate people, so he decides to retire completely and go away.

Xia Ping opened a private aquarium on the outskirts of City X. The area is small, only about [-] square meters. It was remodeled on the basis of a single small duplex. It mainly exhibits some specimens and video materials.

Xia Ping quite likes his "new job", he doesn't charge any fees, and he also puts some snacks that children love to eat, and tells the children about the grotesque and charming ocean every day.

As soon as Xia Jianjing landed, he went to see Xia Ping. Xia Ping's eyes were red on the spot. He lowered his head, walked past Xia Jianjing, and walked to the fence in the yard.

Xia Ping turned over the "closed door" signboard, and stood there sluggishly without moving.

"Back?" Xia Ping asked with his back turned, his voice was very soft, I'm afraid it was his hallucination.

Xia Jianjing gave an "um" and couldn't say anything else.

Xia Ping bent down to support the low fence, his lips trembled, and it took him a long time before he dared to turn around and hug Xia Jianjing.

Xia Ping vacated a bedroom for Xia Jianjing on the second floor and let him live there.

Compared with his peers, Xia Jianjing has lost four years for no reason. His old classmates are almost graduating from college, but he has just started to apply for schools.

Xia Jianjing locked himself in the room, he didn't speak much, and Xia Ping didn't dare to talk to him, his hesitant eyes were filled with distress.

Xia Jianjing recovered for more than two weeks, so he watched some boring frothy dramas, watched them first, then turned off the sound and said them again, talking about the lines of the protagonist, and then acted in supporting roles.

In fact, the progress is not too big, and it can barely cope with daily conversations, but for the current Xia Jianjing, it is enough.

He has no other ideas, he just wants to make a phone call with Lu Zai.

He used to be prone to confusion when speaking, but now he seems to have aphasia, and even has obstacles in communication. He will get stuck when he speaks a few words, easily flustered, and can't concentrate.

Xia Jianjing had no choice but to write the manuscript in advance, and he didn't dare to call Lu Zai until he had memorized it by heart.

But he still didn't know what to do. While holding the phone, he clutched the manuscript paper tightly.

The result is naturally not to get through.Lu Zai was more decisive than he imagined, his mobile phone number was shut down, all social software was blocked, and even the account "Milu" on Dadi Wide Angle Forum was also canceled by Lu Zai.

He couldn't contact Lu Zai at all.

Lu Zai denied ever liking him.

Lu Zai was determined not to forgive him.

But to be honest, Xia Jianjing had already expected what Lu Zai would do.

He wasn't too disappointed, this is Lu Zai, there is no transitional stage, either [-]% or not even [-]%.

During lunch that day, Xia Jianjing told Xia Ping the first thing he said after he came back. He said, "I want to go out for a walk. Let's go see Grandpa Qin."

Qin Hongyang and Rui Su's aging was even more obvious. When they arrived, Qin Hongyang was the only one who went out to greet them.

Rui Su suffered from a serious illness two years ago, and now her body is still weak. In this autumn season, she doesn't dare to blow the wind anymore, and she doesn't even wear a cheongsam, so she wraps herself in a half-thick cotton coat and sits on the head of the bed.

Xia Jianjing went to look at her, and the unstoppable cough in her throat made her voice a little hoarse.

Xia Jianjing still remembers the first time Xia Ping brought him to the gate of the academy, before he saw Rui Su, he was attracted by Rui Su's gentle voice.

Xia Jianjing felt a little uncomfortable, but she also knew that the words "things are different and people are different" are the norm in the world.

Rui Su hasn't seen him for many years, and still feels sorry for him, and tremblingly stretches out her hand to touch his head.

Xia Jianjing didn't hide, and let Rui Su's skinny fingers stroke his hair, but he didn't cling to Rui Su's palm and act coquettishly like before.

Not only was he speechless, but even his vivid body language seemed to be gone.

Xia Jianjing's heart was caught in an instant, he could feel more and more changes in himself, he became not fun, not interesting, not cute, he became an ordinary adult, and he will soon be Disappeared in ordinary life.

Xia Jianjing suddenly panicked, he was afraid that he couldn't wait for Lu Zai.

Xia Jianjing lowered his head, and asked in a very soft voice, "Grandma, do you have Lu Zai's cell phone number?"

"Lu Zai's?" Rui Su sat up, and took her reading glasses and number book from the bedside, "Yes, I'll find it for you."

Rui Su chattered while flipping through the book, saying that the children have their own little world when they grow up, she blamed Xia Jianjing for not hearing from him for so many years, and she also complained that Lu Zai hadn't come back for two years.

Xia Jianjing couldn't answer the words, he was flustered and couldn't concentrate, he floated from Rui Su's face to the side of the bed, slowly even Rui Su noticed something was wrong with him.

Rui Su sighed, held his hand in her own, and said, "Good boy, it's good to be back. If you have nothing to do, come and find grandma. The old lady has no other skills, but I can talk to you."

Xia Jianjing couldn't even say thank you, so he nodded and agreed.

Xia Jianjing had Lu Zai's new number, and Rui Su copied it on a small piece of paper for him. He was afraid of losing it, so he prepared countless backups. These ten numbers can be found almost everywhere in his room. a number.

Xia Jianjing hesitated for several days, and revised and tossed about a dozen versions of the finished manuscript.But the more he prepared, the more apprehensive he became, gradually losing his initial courage, and he was still unable to dial Lu Zai's phone number.

Xia Jianjing made a record sheet for himself. In the past four years, he always remembered that he was still short of 59 confessions.This was also his last breath, propping him up one endless night after another.

Xia Jianjing started counting, and sent Lu Zai a message "I like you very much today too" at regular intervals every day.

On the first day, Lu Zai did not reply to him.

On the second, third and eighth day, Lu Zai did not respond.

In nine days, Xia Jianjing was full of hope but full of apprehension. As soon as he sent out the news, he turned off the phone, fell asleep with his head covered, and had a good dream.

Lu Zai in the dream was different from before, and Lu Zai forgave him.

But in fact, in nine days, he said he liked it 99 times, but Lu Zai still didn't respond.

This is a fact that has been doomed for a long time. Xia Jianjing finally accepted it after four years, and Lu Zai will not forgive him.

Xia Jianjing would often think of that night later, and he wanted to relive the dream that Lu Zai forgave him countless times, but it was all in vain.

All he could dream of was Lu Zai's rejection, and the pain made him learn to protect himself.

He didn't dare to think about it during the day, and he didn't dare to dream at night.He can only be a qualified adult conscientiously, live hard, and keep calm.

There were no major twists and turns in the next six years. He just caught up with the first batch of "top-notch innovative talents training plan" of the college when he was an undergraduate.Since his sophomore year, he has been doing experiments with his supervisor and senior graduate students, published two SCI papers, and entered the research institute as soon as he graduated.

He didn't go to graduate school, so when he first entered the institute, he could only be a small researcher and help others.It's not difficult at work, and his colleagues are interesting and easy to get along with. He can gradually integrate into the crowd and meet some like-minded partners.

In undergraduate course and after work, there were actually many enthusiastic friends who wanted to introduce him to someone. He had introduced excellent opposite sex and excellent same sex, but he refused them all.

The reason is quite embarrassing in the final analysis. He feels that after all these years, time can level the mountain peaks, and he has nothing to overcome.

It was just a fanatical love when I was young, so fanatical that it hurt my bones, even the love turned into a catastrophe.

For ten years, he was defeated.

He was afraid of thinking of Lu Zai, and even more afraid of not being able to think of Lu Zai.

He knew he couldn't go back, but he couldn't get out.

Xia Jianjing thought that maybe he should learn to let go of Lu Zai. Between the two of them, besides letting go, what other options would there be for him to choose?

Xia Jianjing was very calm, but he also clearly knew that there was something missing in him.He is satisfied with his current life. He is doing the job he likes on weekdays, and he comes out to take pictures of the scenery when he is free during vacations. Everything is fine.

He shrank in his comfort zone and was unwilling to go out again, not only because he hadn't let go of Lu Zai, but more importantly, he didn't feel lonely by himself, he was living comfortably, and he no longer wanted to find someone to partner with.

But at this moment of real reunion, Lu Zai reappeared after a lapse of ten years. He was not prepared for anything. From being shocked to being caught off guard, he couldn't do anything gentle and indifferent in his mind. He just wanted to run away.

He had his headphones on all the way back to camp and the volume was turned up, but his brain was so dull he had no idea what the hell was playing on the player.

He also has nothing to say about vows, and nothing to cry about. His mind is completely dull, and there are only four words in it-it's really him.

He once read a passage from Jian Jie: "When thinking about people is very strong, it is also faint, like a person who has been hungry for many days and smells the smoke from the kitchen, but knows that it is not his own."

After many years, reuniting with the old first love, it is probably like this, as light as a glass of warm water.There will be panic and palpitations, but in the end we can only calm down.

After all, it is no longer my own.

Xia Jianjing finally understood what was missing from him all these years. It was his courage, smoothed away by his day-to-day life.

That is something that only 17-year-old Xia Jianjing has. It is the courage to shed a handful of blood for 99 miles even if Lu Zai doesn't say a word, and can insist on saying "I like you [-] times".

Ten years later, Xia Jianjing was gone. He gritted his teeth and dared not even look at Lu Zai's eyes.

If Lu Zai looked at him for another second, all his indifferent camouflage would be broken.

However, Lu Zai was very persistent, and refused to back down even a single step. He held Xia Jianjing's wrist tightly and did not let go.

Lu Zai has changed a lot. He is tanned a lot, and he is no longer the white skin that girls would envy when he was a teenager.He also wears glasses, and his brows and eyes are full of the demeanor of a mature man, especially his face, which is no longer the stinky face that everyone owed him 500 million. Although he is still a little cold, it makes people feel comfortable.

These things about growing up, how to get along with others, how to behave properly, how to be elegant and stable, how to be calm, Xia Jianjing failed to teach him, failed to accompany him to experience, he slowly explored by himself All the way through the hurdles and obstacles.

Lu Zai hated his teeth when he thought about it, Xia Jianjing, this bastard was really too much, not only let his puberty end like an explosion scene, but also took his memory card with him when he left, a little bit of memory Nothing left for him!

Lu Zai saw that Xia Jianjing wanted to run, so he turned sideways and directly blocked Xia Jianjing's way with his body, holding him firmly in place.

Xia Jianjing couldn't run away, Lu Zai's palms were hot, pressing on his shoulders through his clothes, he was nervous and clumsy, he didn't even dare to lift his head.

Lu Zai looked at the top of Xia Jianjing's head, which was covered in dust, which should have been caused when he was hiding in the old city just now, but there were drops of water stains on his shoe toes.

Lu Zai squeezed Xia Jianjing's chin and forced Xia Jianjing to look up at him, but the moment Xia Jianjing raised his head, he felt a little sore in his heart.

The boy he loves the most, no, he is also a man who is almost 30 years old now. He was so stubborn 10 minutes ago, but now he is crying silently in front of him.

Lu Zai suddenly became choked up. He sniffed and looked up at the sky.

"Are you crying like a puppy? Why are you crying, you little bastard?" Lu Zai held Xia Jianjing's face, his words were so fierce, but the hand that wiped his tears was so gentle, "What I said It still counts, this sorry doesn't mean I forgive you."

Xia Jianjing bit his lip and refused to make a sound, which made his heart ache.

He felt that he had been strong for ten years, even when he was living in a foreign land, he never shed a single tear.But why did he become so fragile as soon as he was in front of Lu Zai, he couldn't even control his tears.

Xia Jianjing nodded non-stop, he agreed with every word Lu Zai said, Lu Zai should not forgive him, he has no right to cry.

Lu Zai felt uncomfortable watching. He used some force to press the corner of Xia Jianjing's mouth, making Xia Jianjing loosen his teeth.

Seeing that the whale's mouth had just opened a slit, Xia couldn't help crying before he even had time to breathe.

Xia Jianjing's suppressed sobbing was like a small animal, which made Lu Zai's eyes turn red.

"But I really need to say sorry to you." Lu Zai took a deep breath, and he calmed himself down, "I didn't do well back then, when you gave me your sincerity, I didn't even have the most basic honesty do it."

Xia Jianjing was so anxious that he waved his hands at Lu Zai. He opened his mouth, but couldn't say a word, as if he had returned to the communication barrier period a few years ago in an instant.

"Hush." ​​Lu Zai patted his hand, "Puppy Xia, listen to me."

Lu Zai looked at him and said: "In these years, I actually don't think of you every day. I have many things to be busy, and I have a burnt-out work and life. But I still miss you, at the moment when the camera suddenly ran out of power , at the moment when stray bullets exploded at my feet, and when the first year was counted with the sound of firecrackers, I missed you very much."

Xia Jianjing stammered: "I, I, I..."

Lu Zai smiled charmingly. As a journalist, he obviously knows the rhythm of conversation best. He should know that he can't continue to overweight at this time, and needs to give Xia Jianjing some time to express.

But he knew that he knew that when facing Xia Jianjing, Lu Zai didn't want to say the right thing, he just wanted to say the truth.

Lu Zai said: "I thought that if I never see you again, then forget it, and I will pass it if I bear it for the rest of my life. But now, it's quite hypocritical to say it's fate, but I don't intend to let go."

Xia Jianjing was already in a panic, he was sobbing but couldn't make a sentence, like a headless fly, he buried his head and grabbed his hand fiercely.

Lu Zai gradually frowned. He found that something was wrong with Xia Jianjing. Xia Jianjing was not such a vague person. Whether he refused or accepted, he shouldn't be unable to complete a sentence.

Lu Zai let go of his hand. He changed his method and quickly pressed Xia Jianjing on the back of his neck.

He moved closer, lowered his voice and asked, "What's wrong with you?"

Xia Jianjing's conditioned reflex is still there, as long as the back of the neck is pinched, he will become very obedient, he still does not raise his head, shrinks his neck slightly, and said nonsense in a hurry: "I, I, I... I want to pee .”

Lu Zai laughed, he straightened up, and was about to take Xia Jianjing to see the primitive society bathroom in the camp, but before he could speak, a little soldier rushed over in front of him.

The little soldier was also wearing desert camouflage. He was young and had a dark complexion. He ran up to the two of them and stood at attention, then saluted.

The little soldier said, "Hello, Reporter Lu."

Lu Zai has been here for two and a half months, and with Gu Xinghai's relationship, it's easy to get along. The soldiers all shouted "Hello, Reporter Lu" when they saw him.

Lu Zai returned a gift to the little soldier. He looked at the document in the little soldier's hand and asked, "Another mission?"

The little soldier shook his head, pointed to Xia Jianjing, and said, "Captain Yan asked me to come to him and arrange accommodation for him."

Xia Jianjing just slipped out from Lu Zai's shackles, but the little soldier's words cut off his retreat, so he had no choice but to accept his fate and not run away.

Lu Zai said to the little soldier: "Don't rush to the dormitory, take him to the bathroom first."

"Success, come with me." The little soldier walked in the front left, he was efficient, he spread out the folders while walking, turned his head and asked Xia Jianjing, "This is the information from the embassy, ​​we verified it Once again, but there are some problems in some places."

"Where?" Xia Jianjing took a step forward and leaned over to look.

"Here, the column for emergency contacts." The little soldier stretched out his finger and pointed, "The number you registered is empty."

Xia Jianjing's face changed suddenly, as if it was extremely cold, his teeth were chattering, and his lips were frighteningly white.

He subconsciously looked at Lu Zai, his eyes were full of sadness, as sad as the day they broke up ten years ago.

Lu Zai's eyes froze, he adjusted his glasses, reached out to the little soldier, and said, "Give me the information."

"Oh, okay." The little soldier absolutely obeyed, and immediately handed the folder to Lu Zai.

"Don't run." Lu Zai was once bitten by a snake for ten years and was afraid of well ropes. He stretched out his hand to hold Xia Jianjing in advance, so he dared to lower his head to read the information in peace.

But those eleven Arabic numerals stunned Lu Zai for a moment.

"Where... did you get my mobile phone number?" Lu Zai took a quick breath, closed his eyes for two seconds, and then said to the little soldier, "You go to the side and stay for a while, give me 5 minutes."

Xia Jianjing refused to answer, he was like a frightened bird, every word of Lu Zai, no matter good or bad, he would twist and turn to the same result - Lu Zai never liked him.

Xia Jianjing reached out to grab the folder, but he said in vain: "I made it up casually."

Lu Zai didn't believe it at all, but he held Xia Jianjing's hand, lowered his voice, and asked, "Did you contact me later?"

Xia Jianjing shook his head and said, "No."

Lu Zai refused to accept his wrong information, and continued to ask: "When did you contact me?"

Xia Jianjing looked at the ground and didn't speak.

As expected, Lu Zai had changed. He no longer had the irritability of his youth. He licked the corner of his mouth and asked Xia Jianjing tentatively.

"Your first year?"

"the second year?"

"The third year?"

"The...fourth year?"

Xia Jianjing nodded slowly.

After Lu Zai got the answer, he was stunned for a moment. He let go of Xia Jianjing and took a step back involuntarily.

Lu Zai didn't know what kind of expression to use. He clenched his fists tightly, but then let them go. Finally, he could only smile helplessly.

"Xia Jianjing, I was an exchange student in Seattle that year, and I..." Lu Zai said, "I didn't receive it at all."

The author has something to say:

"Heart fire" and the last two sentences of the preface are both said by Mr. Lu Xun.