dangerous road

—What do you want me to say?Say how I killed that... what do you call her?Oh, 【Innocent High School Girl】?But I don't think I killed a person.You should see how she called me crazy, that's a bitch at best.You want me to admit my crime, but the problem is that we have different definitions of crime-in my opinion, killing a mad dog that bites people does not require life.You keep calling me cruel, but I just don't think so.

I'm going to defend myself.

I don't expect you to understand me, really, we are people from two worlds.If you want to get over those barriers to my place, you'd have to be a schizophrenic, a mad artist, an infinitely melancholy, with a bit of malice running through your veins—and It seems to me that each of you is more stupid than the other.Look at yourselves, the disgusting protruding abdomen, the unaesthetic dark brown skin, the thick body hair and the sticky sweat that radiates from the body all the time, it almost makes me faint.I don't even want to talk about him in front of you, with his young, fresh body and those perpetually restless eyes - it's too much for you rough, rotten hunks to hear a word about him. is a kind of blasphemy.

As for that vile little bitch, I still don't regret tearing her up.If I could go back in time, I would do it without hesitation.You ask me why?Why—is there even a question?She hooked his soul away, and then possessed him.I can barely bear this, but what I can't bear is that she sensed my so-called improper and perverted feelings for him with a wild dog's sense of smell, and then told him to tell him not to talk to me again. come and go.After doing all this, she still has the face to come to my house and bark at me, pointing at my nose and scolding you would never have imagined that it would come from the mouth of a 17-year-old girl.what can I do?I listened to her calmly, and then directly tied her up.And then I went out on the balcony and took out the small household electric drill, walked back, plugged it in, turned it on, and gently stuffed it into her mouth.

I drilled a hole for her tongue and chin, and when the blood and flesh splattered, I only felt endless disgust and nausea.That's the price she pays for insulting my feelings with her dog mouth.She didn't know anything, she didn't know anything - what could her head, cluttered with clothes, cosmetics, and profligacy, know?Can she imagine what kind of existence he is to me?I would have jumped at his feet and licked each of his slightly curled toes for the casual glance he gave me from his clear eyes.I would give my all, even my tormented heart, for a hasty kiss on my forehead that condescends.More than once I wanted to turn him over from the inside out, so that I could kiss his young and unworldly heart filled with blood, his beautiful and well-proportioned stomach, his nacreous liver like sargassum. of the lung lobes.

I clearly understand my feelings for him, I love him, this love is not based on any material basis.I know this as clearly as I know I will die one day.I also clearly understand that he will not love me, not before, and not in the future.To be honest, I didn't dare to hope for this.The hot, lava-like eruption of joy drives me crazy every time I imagine the slightest thing about it.I understand that if this continues, one day my internal organs will be burned into a plume of gray smoke, which will come out of my eyes, nose, ears, and mouth.Then I collapsed limp, with a dirty skin left.

You see, I am so cautious and self-aware, I just want to look at him from a distance, and capture every detail of his body and every change of his expression with greedy eyes.Once, through his raised arm, I accidentally caught a glimpse of the little tuft of black armpit hair under his armpit. For two weeks, I was excited about it, as if I had insight into some great secret about him.Another time when he raised his head, he happened to meet my prying eyes. After being stunned for two seconds, he actually showed me a small smile hesitantly.You can hardly imagine my mood at that time, all my blood rushed to my throat violently, my head was buzzing, as if it was going to explode in the next second.I wanted to yell, to rush to kneel at his feet and pour out all my heart, so that he would know that there was a fallen soul in the world dancing around him.But I don't, and I can't.He is normal, and I am the only one who is mutated. I cannot tolerate even half a word of gossip about him because of my outrageous behavior.I am willing to lock myself in a cold and damp cage, and let you stupid and vulgar people spit all over my face and trample my body recklessly with your dirty feet with grinning grin - as long as he can do that A small piece of escaping sunlight exists safely in my world.

But that woman, your so-called [innocent victim], she ruined everything.She possessed him alone, holding his arm all day long to show off—how could she be qualified to do this?If that well-muscled arm would willingly be stretched out before me for a closer look, I could chop off my own whole arm, and offer him a meager sacrifice.But I can't say anything, I have to admit that he smiles more than usual when he is with that woman.If such a noisy and annoying pile of meat is what he wants, then I can only surrender unconditionally.

Later——later, things went completely off the rails. I don’t know from which day he looked at me with eyes full of disgust.He deliberately called me dead when I could hear him, he turned his head away from me with an expression like I was a kind of plague, he mobilized everyone to isolate me, and forcibly created a five-meter radius around me vacuum.I didn't hate him for it, not even the slightest bit.It has always been like this.I was the one watching him all the time.He doesn't know what I do, he doesn't know what I love or hate, what I think or dislike.All he knew was that I was wrong and that it was unforgivable.But none of this matters.Even at this moment, the place where my heart should have been placed on my left chest was emptied by moths and turned into a big black and rotten hole, my burning feelings for him did not weaken at all.Even if his loathing for me had flowed endlessly for eternity like a flooded river, it would never have been able to submerge its ankles.

Do you understand?I am such a person.My feeling is just such a feeling.This feeling will not change because of his appearance, his attitude or any other factors, not even the almighty time can take it away.Even if he becomes no longer young in the future, his stiff black hair will fade into soft white hair, and his beautiful and well-arranged teeth will loosen and fall off one by one, but as long as he screams with that hoarse voice My name—it only needs to be said, and I will still kneel down in front of him with blood rushing, kissing his dead branch-like toes frantically.

As for the woman—the woman, that's another matter.It was she who blocked my sunshine, and she personally prepared a barbed cage for me, and then advocated him to lock me in it.But none of that is why I hate her.I understand that she did it out of the same state of mind as mine, and I don't care much about the results she caused.He loathes me more and more, despises me more and more, it doesn't matter.In fact, I don't even ask for a word from him, as long as he looks at me, I can willingly climb into the cage that makes me bruise for him.But you know what I can't bear at all?How could she still find me and use all the energy in her body to laugh at my feelings for him--laugh at my feelings for him?Hehe, I still find it funny when I think about it now.She said I was disgusting and called me a perverted neuropathy. I admit that we are like this in the eyes of normal people. We have long been exiled from this world-but this does not mean that you group of self-proclaimed normal One can question my heart bound by cold iron chains.You put on an air of condescension, pretending to be a hypocritical martyr, and intentionally let out two or three hypocritical sighs to tell me what is right and what is not... Can you be any more ridiculous?Can those rotten thoughts that stick to the rules in your mind be any more rotten?I can bear those, I can bear his contempt and his insult, I can also bear your contempt and your insult, but don't expect me to accept even a little doubt and contempt from any of you towards my feelings.Especially her.Especially——she.

Now I am starting to regret why I killed her so easily before. I should slowly dig out my heart and lungs step by step, and use her intestines to tie a straight bow on her neck where the veins bulged when she spilled.I should cut off her two breasts and throw them in the juicer to grind them up, then pry open her mouth and let her drink the dirty part of her body.What's more, I'll take a picture of her filthy heart to see if it's redder than normal—or mine.In this way, I am still very kind, and I am much kinder than she.What she lost was life and what I lost was hope.You say, who is more miserable than the living dead or the dead?

I admit what you want me to recruit. To be honest, I have foreseen the results I will get when I hold the electric drill.But I tell you I'm very happy, very very happy, because this thing will be an indelible existence to him forever.He will hate me, be afraid of me, and his heart will tremble unconsciously when he thinks of me in the days to come.He would keep thinking of me, of how when he was young, a man who was madly in love with him stabbed his girlfriend through the jaw and throat and nailed her to the wall like a butchered pig... If this happened to me, I would be so excited that I would not be able to sleep for the rest of my life.And now I can make him remember me, through this incident I can make him remember me for the rest of my life.Come to think of it, there's a little place in his living head that's my precinct, my territory that can't be transferred no matter what happens, and I'm the king there.What I've been hoping for so long has finally come true, and I can feel my veins throbbing with ecstasy now, and every drop of my mad blood is rushing and shouting my victory.

You may think I'm crazy, but I'll say my mind has never been clearer.I love everything about him and he hates everything about me, we'll remember each other to the end of our lives.It doesn't get any better than this.You can't accept this idea, right? That's because you haven't loved anyone like me.What you love is just a beautiful body that contains your obsessive soul, and you even think that it’s okay to find someone who can pass your time—this is what I can’t stand about you the most.You want me to repent, and now I have finished repenting according to what you said. What I repent is not that I killed that woman, but that from the moment I do it, I will never be able to hear his youthful voice again. Seeing his smile with the scent of leaves blooming in the morning light.The green forests that once grew in my body, rattling against my chest every day with the trajectory of the wind, are dead now, and all that's left is a bunch of bare wrecks convulsingly pointing to the smoky sky.

I have said all I have to say, and the rest is up to you.I don't ask for sanctimonious forgiveness and I don't regret what I did, I just want you to know how much I love him.Maybe only the haze of death can temporarily block my sunshine, but you know, when the haze clears, it is bright.

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【The End】

The author has something to say:

Fuck you, do some of this stuff.Ah what should I do...

Inspired by "Lolita".