Confession

Lin Xu didn't sleep well, it should be said that he seldom slept soundly after he got off the sleeping pills.

Zhao Xiwen said it was a psychological effect, but he didn't think so.

Across the wall, Jiang Yang's voice could be faintly heard from outside, indistinct, near and far away.

Lin Xu opened his heavy eyelids, feeling extremely tired, but his spirit was "excited", and he was always in a state of light sleep, half dreaming and half awake, wandering between dreams and reality.

He still had dreams, and he couldn't remember what he dreamed clearly. He had too many nightmares, and fear had almost become his normal state.

Zhao Xiwen said that he was already healed, and Lin Xu also felt that he was much more at ease than before. He didn't look forward to the day, and put all his emotions in the novel. It was enough to live an ordinary day, and he didn't dare to There are excess expectations.

But Guo Shule appeared again, and came to inquire about him.

Lin Xu once again felt Guo Shule's malicious intentions, he was like a hedgehog, rejecting all possible disadvantages to him, even if it hurts innocent people.

Lin Xu propped himself up and sat up. He didn't see Lele in the room, but he really heard Jiang Yang's voice.

He dully remembered what Jiang Yang said last night to guard him.

Lin Xu lifted the quilt and got out of bed, and saw a glass of water on the head of the bed, he didn't remember if it was there, took a sip of the water glass, it was still warm.

He thought of the medicine in the cabinet, removed layers of clothes covering it, and wanted to take two pills.

But when he really took it out, he hesitated again. The words "anxiety", "palpitations" and "insomnia" on the box reminded him of Zhao Xiwen's words again.

【"I am a doctor, you should believe in my profession. I will not let patients take medicine easily, let alone stop them easily. When your condition is under control, you must also learn to restrain your dependence and fear in your heart." 】

Jiang Yang's voice outside became louder and his emotions became more agitated. Words such as "I beg you", "I can't change it" and "I like men" vaguely entered Lin Xu's ears.

Lin Xu sat quietly for a while, with no expression on Qingjun's soft face, he took a deep breath, put the medicine box back to its original place, and finished drinking the water in the quilt with his head up.

After a while, the outside became quiet, Lin Xu guessed that Jiang Yang had finished his phone call, opened the door gently, and looked outside.

The morning sun was bright but not scorching hot, and large flakes of pale yellow fell on the floor, being divided into chunky fragments by light and shadow.

Jiang Yang was sitting on the sofa, looking at his mobile phone with his body slightly bent. His whole body was bathed in the sun, his thick eyelashes were dyed a light yellow, and his pupils were reflected in a very light amber color.

His profile is handsome, the three-dimensional roots and the bridge of the nose form an undulating and smooth line, the jaw line is sharp, tough and perfect like a sculpture, and a few strands of forehead hair hang down between the eyebrows, bringing out a bit of melancholy and low mood.

Lin Xu has always felt that Jiang Yang is commensurate with the sun, and that such a bright smile is worth caring for all his life. Lin Xu yearns for the vigor and vitality on his body.

But the Jiang Yang in front of him was different from Lin Xu's impression, or in other words, he saw another side of Jiang Yang.

Lele lay beside him, moved her ears, and looked towards Lin Xu.

Jiang Yang noticed Lele's movements and turned his head to see Lin Xu standing by the door for an unknown how long.

Hiding his anger and depression, he stood up and asked, "Are you awake? Do you want something to eat? I bought breakfast."

Lin Xu walked out, the too strong light made him squint his eyes, "Why didn't you go to work?"

"Our recording progress was ahead of schedule, and the production team couldn't catch up. Liangda gave us a day off." Sitting next to Lin Xu, Jiang Yang asked, "Are you feeling better? Is there anything uncomfortable?"

His careful look made Lin Xu feel a little amused, and touched Lele's head, "You feel like I'm a fragile doll."

Lin Xu never felt that he was tied to fragility. He survived those dark days alone, dragging his wounded body through the barren land.

Jiang Yang couldn't help muttering: "It was like..."

From the time he got drunk and self-mutilated at the bar until last night, he saw Lin Xu's other unknown appearance.

Vulnerable, sensitive, broken.

Before that, Lin Xu in Jiang Yang's impression was a gentle and gentle person, calm in situations, restrained in emotions, mature and stable.

After not seeing him for five years, he was completely different. I couldn't find the shadow of Lin Xu in college. The high spirits at that time seemed to be an illusion.

The last time he met Guo Shule at the entrance of the bar, they had a shallow chat, but they couldn't wait for anyone, and when they found him in the bathroom, they found him collapsed.

This time he tentatively mentioned Guo Shule and before, and Lin Xu's reaction deepened his suspicion.

Back then when Lin Xu dropped out of school, Guo Shule's indifferent attitude, those rumors about him in school...

What happened five years ago that made him look so taciturn and mentally ill?

Jiang Yang was full of questions, but he didn't dare to ask.

Lin Xu twitched the corners of his mouth and leaned on the sofa with a relaxed expression, "You were on the phone just now? I heard your voice."

Jiang Yang's eyes darkened a bit, "Is it disturbing you?"

Lin Xu shook his head, "No. It's just the first time I've seen you looking so annoyed."

Jiang Yang asked back: "What do I look like in your heart?"

"Cheerful, sunny, and love to laugh." Lin Xu said, "It seems that even the big things are not enough to hurt you."

Jiang Yang smiled wryly, "The glamor is just the appearance, senior, no matter who it is, there will be troubles that cannot be solved."

Lin Xu didn't speak, he knew what Jiang Yang said was correct.

Many people like to present a successful and beautiful appearance, but they don't know what kind of embarrassment they look like behind others. After removing the layers of beautiful veils, they present an ugly and inferior appearance.

In the morning, the breeze is breezy and cool, and the sun is warm and comfortable on the body.

Lin Xu hugged a pillow in his arms, watched Jiang Yang's silence, and asked softly, "Do you have any troubles? The person who called you just now is..."

He didn't finish the question because he realized that he was offended.

Last night he was unwilling to tell Jiang Yang about the past, but today he asked about the other party's privacy because of a phone call.

Their relationship is not good enough to lift the veil on each other.

"I'll just ask, if you don't want to..."

"It's my father." Jiang Yang said.

Lin Xu fell silent and listened quietly.

"I told you before that I had a falling out with them. I haven't been back to college for four years. After graduation, the relationship has eased a bit, but the topic of sexual orientation has always been a forbidden area. We maintain a delicate balance and no one mentions it."

Jiang Yang's mood is not high, his voice is low, like the texture of a cello, with his slow speaking speed, he has a strong sense of substitution, and Lin Xu can feel his low and complicated emotions all at once.

"A few days ago, my mother sent me a lot of pictures of girls, asking me to meet up when I was free. I said I didn't have time. She called in the morning and said that there was a girl from the same city as me, and she had already made an appointment for me. , let me see you at noon."

"...So I quarreled with her on the phone," Jiang Yang smiled helplessly, "Sorry, I quarreled with you."

Lin Xu looked at his smiling face, and his heart throbbed with pain, "Jiang Yang..."

"I don't care. Since I chose to explain this matter at the beginning, I was prepared for them not to understand or accept it. But what makes me unacceptable is that they think I am sick."

Lin Xu was taken aback, obviously he hadn't thought of this either.

"Homosexuality has existed since ancient times. It used to be called Duanxiu and Longyang. Why is it said that you are sick when you come to me?" Jiang Yang looked at Lin Xu calmly, "I can understand that they don't accept it, but I can't accept them. Said I was sick. Senior, do you understand?"

Lin Xu swallowed, and there was an imperceptible tremor at the end of his voice, "...I understand."

There is no way to explain the point of same-sex attraction with science and reason. Humans are the most complicated animals. It is not normal to go with the flow, and it is not brave to go against the flow. Your own choice has nothing to do with right or wrong, but only your heart.

Jiang Yang's calm appearance made Lin Xu feel very distressed. He could see the injury and sadness of the young man, and he could even imagine how hurtful his parents said to make Jiang Yang lose control in the living room.

Only those who are closest to each other understand each other's weakness and know where to stab the knife the most.

Lin Xu's eyes moved slightly, he raised his arm to touch Jiang Yang, but stopped in mid-air, "Look——"

The young man followed Lin Xu's gaze and landed on the floor.

The sunlight reflected their shadows on the ground, and Lin Xu's shadow raised his arms and touched "Jiang Yang", seeming to be stroking his head.

"Don't be sad, it will pass." Lin Xu looked at the shadow, patted "Jiang Yang" on the head, and touched his shoulder.

This kind of behavior is like a child, Jiang Yang smiled, "Why don't you touch me directly?"

It's rare for Lin Xu to pick up on his joke, "It's more beautiful this way."

"It seems that writers have engraved romance in their bones?"

"No." Lin Xu thought it was funny, and there was a faint smile in his eyes, and he moved his finger down, and the shadow touched Jiang Yang's straight nose, "It's just that the author knows how to be romantic."

Jiang Yang was dissatisfied, "Who said that romance doesn't distinguish between people, this is the sentiment!"

"Then what do you think is romance?" Lin Xu asked back.

"Romance does not require a grand ceremony. It has no specific rules and stereotypes. It does not need to be mentioned at any time, but it can be seen everywhere. Romance is a proof of the heart and a shared memory created. Seniors, look—— —" Jiang Yang also raised his hand, and the shadow touched Lin Xu's finger tracing the bridge of his nose, and the two fingertips touched, "For me, I will think of you every morning in the future, and remember to be with you In the sun, our shadows hold each other's hands, and our fingers are tightly clasped."

For Lin Xu, Jiang Yang's existence is a kind of romance.

With a handsome face and impeccable voice, Jiang Yang fits all of Lin Xu's aesthetics.

Five years ago Lin Xu was captured by Jiang Yang's voice and sunny smile, and five years later he fell into Jiang Yang's "romantic definition" web again.

Lin Xu knew that he was hopeless, and his condition could be controlled with drugs, but his feelings became an incurable disease.

In the past, he listened to the secretly recorded campus broadcasts as nourishment, and survived the long cold winter. Now that people are in front of him, he has no choice but to get close to him. He likes the smell of sunshine on Jiang Yang, and he likes every time the young man treats him with a smile. watch.

He likes Jiang Yang, very much, this feeling is ready to come out in this hand-holding romance, emotion overwhelms reason——

"Jiang……"

"Senior, you..."

The two spoke at the same time, interrupting each other's words.

Jiang Yang put his hand down, "You talk first?"

Lin Xu also withdrew his hand, the impulse was interrupted, he came back to his senses, thought of something other than feelings, and turned into a timid ostrich again, "You talk first."

"Do you want to work today?" Jiang Yang's eyes are bright, with obvious expectations.

Lin Xu originally planned to have a lot of work today, such as writing the outline of the new article, editing the manuscript for publication, and writing scripts for film and television.

He said, "No."

Jiang Yang stood up and grabbed Lin Xu's hand, "Let's go senior, give me your time today."

Lin Xu was stunned by Jiang Yang, and he had no time to care about his wrist, "Where are you going?"

The corners of the young man's mouth curled up, it was Lin Xu's favorite smile full of vigor.

The cunning and anticipation in his eyes flashed past, and he said to Lin Xu: "Go and create our own romance."