this is love

[The happiness that the world talks about is usually easier to be obtained by cynics.May I die without repentance, and may you always be so gorgeous. 】

At that moment, he didn't think about anything, he just saw the face of his mother in his memory.The young woman who was left behind by the years smiled softly at him, surpassing any mountains and rivers, as light as snow and as beautiful as flowers.

She said, you have to be a strong Gao Nanshun.

Mom will always watch you be brave.

She taught him how to face the world, so when she went away, he still felt that he had a reason to stand.He has to stand upright and not fall down, so that he can support his mother's gaze in the world.

He wants to protect too much, even if his wings are gone and he is staggering, he still has to go on step by step.That was Pandora buried deep in his heart, a contract he kept obeying all the time.

Flowing through the vast land, being split, gnawed, squeezed, and cut off in the middle, he has tasted the real pain and understood the rare and precious.In the end, guard the pure land in your heart, and what you have to guard even when you annihilate yourself is the fulfillment of this life.

The momentary feeling of weightlessness was like a precursor to fainting, the next second his heart was shady and he fled around, the tugging brought a warm and smooth dull pain, and then gradually climbed up to the dots of numbness, he hit a shock , Suddenly found that I was afraid.

When he was bitten by fear, he recalled that person's face thousands of times, with the determination that he would never see each other again in this life.But it was not an overly sad farewell, he just suddenly felt that he was an unfortunate existence after all.

【He has persisted and worked hard for so many years, and he has finally achieved his current achievements and a future where he can see success. How can he fall short because of you alone?Don't be funny...]

It was only at this moment that the words of others that had been in his ears began to repeatedly intrude, and he was forced to tremble and panic.Reality doesn't allow him to mess up.

【Don't hold Xingxiu back, I won't allow you to do this either. 】

If things go on like this, they will really agree to these words...

There are not a few people who ruin their futures in the circle of much attention. Li Chengxian has seen countless talents and idiots over the years, but among them, Sean has to be regarded as a special existence.He is not stupid, he knows how to be low-key and introverted, even if he looks arrogant by nature, it is only due to his temperament.What's more, as a perfectionist, it's not easy to see weaknesses in him that are easily exposed by others. Li Chengxian has never worried about this, but he never thought that he would be caught off guard when his career is booming.

Sean is a talent, smart enough, but he did a stupid thing.

This sentence itself is a paradox.

When he threw the stack of photos in front of Sean, he clearly saw the process of the man's face pale and instantly stiff.No one spoke, and those few minutes were dragged and slowed by the suffocating silence into a century. In the bright room, only the photos scattered around had vitality, a decisive and terrifying vitality.

The scene of men and men being lingering and intimate, the entanglement of lips and tongues is vivid, stumbling and embracing each other and walking together, and the door opened is like a kind of hospitality that evokes one's imagination... No matter from which angle or standpoint, it is just not enough. Uncompromising gay love.What's more, it is completely logical to deviate to the extreme of disordered private life.

This is far more than fatal evidence.

After being caught, even the opportunity to struggle becomes passive and rare, and all smooth sailing will turn into a waste of effort in an instant.

Li Chengxian was almost devastated.Once such a scandal is exposed, there will be overwhelming public opinion attacks and suppression, and all the development prospects of Xiao En, who are at the peak, may fall in a blink of an eye.Is this rookie in the modeling industry about to fail before he even starts to show off his talents?He felt reconciled. As an agent, this was a talent he had painstakingly cultivated, and he couldn't just let him ruin himself.

He just felt disappointed, how could this person who was more rational and calm than anyone else choose to hang out with men.

"Don't you think you should explain it?" Seeing the man's continued silence, he felt annoyed, filled with anxiety and boredom, Li Chengxian frowned, clenched his right fist and hit the table with his knuckles, Trying to get the slightest bit of attention from the man opposite.

"..."

"Are you crazy, boy? Are these real? You don't want to have a future?" No amount of confirmation is futile. He knows that the places, people, and moods in those photos are all very real, and it is impossible to mix them with False, because the facts have already been established, he feels hopeless. "Do you think that no matter what the situation is, you can settle it for you? Such a self-deprecating behavior, all the excellent opportunities you just got may be withdrawn, do you know?"

"..."

"You fucking talk to me!" The man's seemingly indifferent attitude completely crushed his mental defenses. Li Chengxian slapped his palm on the table and wanted to grab his collar, but was stopped by the assistant around him. He made a move, and the remaining rationality made him sigh heavily, and finally sat down slumped to the side, and he began to think about any possible exits, even if all the pressure came together to make his thinking confused.

"...Sorry." The voice that finally rang out after a long silence was unexpectedly hoarse, as if the tiredness of sleepless nights had swept over, the man's voice suddenly aged like a river that was almost dry. "It's my fault, and I will take all the responsibility. But... please don't go to that person, he doesn't need to take any responsibility."

"What? He doesn't need to bear it? Heh, you're not mistaken, he..." Li Chengxian looked at the person in front of him in disbelief, just because a man who has always been cold and reserved would protect a man so much, such a sacrifice-like preservation It really didn't seem like something Sean would do, but the man's words interrupted him with cadences, each of which was a dying struggle approaching the bottom line.

"I said it! It has nothing to do with him, no matter what the responsibility is, I will bear it alone!"

"..."

Sean stared at him with red circles and cracked eyes, as if he regarded him as a sworn enemy.The categorical declaration was an unquestionable warning, which made Li Chengxian swallow the rebuttal that was stuck in his throat.The man's fierce defiance told him that he loved that man.

Sean loved that man.

really love.

Before going out, Park Xingxiu bent down to change shoes in the hallway. His finger in the shoe cabinet brushed against some sharp edge, and there was a sudden sharp pain. When he pulled his hand back, he saw bright red blood beads condensed on his fingertips. , He stared at the warm and flowing surface of the blood, and couldn't help being dazed for a moment.

The faint turmoil in his heart began to gather gradually with the blood that was squeezed out of the wound, and the meandering flow made him anxious.The emptiness he hadn't felt for a long time made him feel ominous, as if something was about to get out of control and would bring him a crushing blow.

I just didn't expect it to be like that.

Surrounded by noisy inquiries at the corner in front of the elevator door, Park Xingxiu was completely unable to respond. He didn't understand how tricky it was until the words of probing "questioning" were belittled with the person's name and deliberate doubts. status.

"Mr. Park Xingxiu, may I ask if you and Xiao En are really lovers?"

"How long have you been dating?"

"Mr. Park Xingxiu, can you tell me how you met?"

"What do you think of the exposure of this relationship? Will you come out publicly?"

"Mr. Park Heung-soo! Mr. Park Heung-soo! Please answer me?"

……

It was chaotic, full of persecution that was almost questioning. Park Xingxiu felt ironic when he saw their ugly faces that were eager to scramble and try to dig out other people's privacy. Suppressing his greedy desire for gossip hot spots, perhaps suppressing his extreme aversion to homosexuality, but all throwing meaningless questions at him with a human-like posture.

What can this world give them?

Angry in his heart, he pursed his lower lip tightly, and his jaw line was tight, showing unyielding stubbornness. He pushed and pushed forward with difficulty, only to find an outlet for his soul and escape from all the difficulties of ignorance in the world.He was indignant, he was unwilling, and he was anxious, but he was not allowed to appeal.Is he wrong or the world is wrong, it should be a warm and infinite beauty, but it is turned into black and white, forced to become a disgusting and ugly gimmick.

He missed that person, and all the mania in his heart was only for him.

He was afraid that that person's future would fall short because of him, but he was even more afraid that that person would completely leave him because of this, so that he couldn't even grasp the indifference.

Giving up on the elevator and going to the stairwell, Park Xingxiu refused the approaching crowd without saying a word, stumbled and stumbled, and was so messed up at the stairway that he was about to fall down. Quan, the threat of losing that person was too deep, he didn't dare to act rashly, but he couldn't let go of his worries.

He is well aware of the lethality brought about by this scandal, and he has no time to care about whether his career as a lawyer will be damaged. He only focuses on that person, fearing that his life will be upended.

One second before stepping out of the stairs, he stopped.

The inquiries in his ears became distorted, and he looked at the end of the stairs, suddenly feeling that this hesitation seemed selfish.

He should be more decisive.

What's more, there is no turning back.

"Let me tell you, I was the one who was obsessed with Sean. That night...he had a stomach problem, and I just took the opportunity to get close to him. I kept stalking him, but he kept rejecting me, so it was his that time." The stomachache gave me a chance to sneak in... I know that people do not do secret things, and the fact is so, and I will not hide it. If you press me again, I will have nothing to say."

You see, for you, I can obviously do it.

I just want you to know that I love you and say what you say.

He was very happy because of his counterattack, and he felt happy seeing the uncontrollable surprise and hesitation on the faces of those people. Even if he was regarded as a pervert, he didn't care, because he had pure love in his heart.For this love, he can become a ghost, so why should he be afraid of the pressure of public opinion.

He thought the same way when he was caught in the confusion and fell weightlessly with both feet.

In this lifetime, the fear he has experienced has already reached the level of extinction, and this small criticism is just an ant to him.

Amidst the clamor and exclamation, he felt his body rolling over the hard edges and corners. During the collision, he felt a sharp pain that pierced the bone marrow. The pain rose to the brain and paralyzed his nerves. In a trance, he seemed to see the face he missed.

Infinitely gentle, infinitely beautiful.

In the chaotic darkness, the residual consciousness made him even more confused.One moment it seemed that there were voices buzzing in his ears, but the next moment there was silence, only faint whispers of conversation passing by. He tried his best to distinguish those voices, trying to find a trace of reassurance.But it was in vain, and in the end he simply gave up struggling, allowing those trivial sounds to arouse the curiosity in his heart from time to time.

I don't know how long it took before the pain came from the darkness, and he began to gradually perceive the existence of his limbs, and even the pain had a specific location.The old wound on the knee of his right leg felt fresh pain again. He secretly estimated in his heart that the cycle time for the recurrence of the leg injury had indeed come recently. Pain swept through his body again.

It wasn't until Park Xingxiu felt the strength to open his tired eyes after his conscious mind had been thinking for a while.The moment when the blinding light pierced through the perspective line in a piece of white snow, he couldn't help squinting his eyes and frowning. It took him a while to get used to the light. When the scene in front of him gradually became clear, he saw a familiar face appearing beside the bed. Looking at him with an unspeakably painful expression.

"sister?"

"...Are you awake?" Pu Zhixiu was silent for a few seconds before picking up his voice, and the previous hesitation disappeared when he spoke again. He stood up and poured water for him seemingly meaninglessly, and then came over to help him up. Prop your head on a pillow.The movements were done in one go without pause, which almost prevented Park Xingxiu from having a chance to speak.

But as expected, she must have known it all.

After feeding him half a glass of water, Pu Zhixiu sat down on the chair next to the bed again, and looked at him two by two, as if they were secretly competing, neither of them wanted to speak first.

Until Park Xingxiu was the first to be unable to hold back, the eagerness to know what happened after he fell down the stairs made him a little restless, he looked at the door of the ward, then looked into Pu Zhixiu's eyes again, pondered for a moment, and then said: "What happened next?" How is it?"

"Someone called an ambulance and sent you to the hospital for immediate emergency treatment. This time... your leg injury has recurred again." Park Zhixiu lowered his eyes, twisted his fingers around his quilt and slowly smoothed it, as if While describing insignificant things, she couldn't hide the downcast look on her face at all.

She really broke her heart for him.

As if something was stuck in his throat, Pu Xingxiu opened his mouth to speak, but he was unable to make a sound for a long time. The annoying silence continued to spread until the sky outside the window became dim, and he had enough calm to speak again: "Sister, I ...Meet Nan Shun."

"I know."

"..."

"I'm your sister, why can't I see it." Pu Zhixiu raised his eyes to meet his gaze, his eyes were full of complexity and bitterness that almost overflowed: "Your mood has obviously changed for a while... I also guess Get it, the person who can make you change like this, besides him, it can't be anyone else..."

One calamity after another, all entangled with one person.

She suddenly understood that she should admit it too.

That was Park Xingxiu's own life. It was his destiny to have such a person. How could his fate be distorted by her power alone.Seeing him love so hard, even she herself had to admit that she was shocked by the resilience of this relationship.

The bones and tendons are inseparable, inseparable.

"Forget it, as long as you are happy." Even though the corners of Pu Zhixiu's mouth were helpless and melancholy, it was a sincere blessing. She looked at the child with a melting softness in her heart: "Follow your heart, Xingxiu ...My sister won't force you to throw it away anymore."

She should have been like this, shouldn't she?

How many years did that child wait for her blessing, and how many years she walked with him with guilt and pain.

It's time for the dust to settle.

"Sister, thank you...thank you." He couldn't tell how long it had been since they were so happy to meet again.That was the unique happiness brought to him by the understanding and tolerance of his close relatives.The warmth of family affection once again comforted him who was injured. Park Xingxiu felt that he had gained the strength to fight against the world, as long as there was that person who would never leave him.if only.

"However, how do you want to deal with this incident? This is not a small matter, and your future future will be affected..." She was afraid when she thought of the panic in her heart after rushing to the hospital today to learn the details. The incident broke out too suddenly, even though it had already Even though she was prepared, she did not expect to face the cruel reality so soon. The pressure of public opinion is undoubtedly the cruelest, and it is thousands of times heavier than the censure of her relatives.She couldn't bear it, she couldn't bear to let his younger brother fall into the trap.

"I know, I know... I don't want to hurt him..."

I don't want to hurt you.

You deserve to fly high.

Near midnight, the temperature dropped slightly, and the night was misty.

He slammed the car door heavily and strode straight into the back door of the hospital. His face was dark and gloomy covered by sunglasses, and the corners of his open coat were rolled up by the airflow brought by his walking. Every foot you put down is like imagining the force of someone's fall.

He looked up to the end of the stairs, clenched his hands in his pockets tightly.

The light in that ward was dim, as if the patient in the room had fallen asleep.He stood silently in front of the door for a long time, and once again stretched out his pocket hand to touch the long-lost icy air, and there was a dense chill in an instant.Holding on to the doorknob, he paused again. He inadvertently observed the silence around him. During the short night, it seemed that no one disturbed him.

The next moment when the restlessness in his heart reappeared, he opened the door forcefully and walked in slowly with light steps.

When his field of vision became slightly wider, he saw a motionless figure on the bed in the dim light, and he was accompanied only by that person's fresh breath in the entire ward.Once his vision was established, it was nailed to the man.As the distance approached, he could clearly see the man's appearance.

Lying flat on the hospital bed safely, the quilt was lightly covering the chest, one arm was pressing the corner of the quilt, and the drip needle was hanging down and piercing the back of the hand with well-defined blood vessels.The expression was ignorant, innocent and indifferent, the calmer it was, the more annoyed he was.

He looked at him as if trying to kill him with his eyes.

Pu Xingxiu opened his eyes, and his spirit has never been clearer than now. He heard someone calling his name just now, close to his ears.

[Park Xingxiu. 】

That voice drilled into his ears in the cool night like water, sneaked into his dream and woke him up.When he opened his eyes, he met the eyes of that person.As if he had finally found his proper home, his eye sockets became moist on his own initiative.

"You came."

Unable to bear it, he grinned sweetly and watched the man's eyes wash with tears, shining brightly in the dark.It's all love, all love.

"Are you sick, Park Xingxiu?"

The moment love freezes, the world of ice and snow expands infinitely.

His smile froze at the corner of his mouth, slowly sinking to the bottom of the lake, where moss grew, he stepped on it, and slipped hard. In an instant, the lake was submerged, and he was even blocked from breathing.

It doesn't matter, as long as he struggles to get up, he can still get oxygen.

So the corners of his drooping mouth tried to rise again, forming a subtle smile just right.

"Today...how are you? Are you tired? You have to come to see me so late..."

"Who told you to talk nonsense! What kind of hero are you doing for nothing?! You are giving the media a story, do you know that!" The anger and bitterness in his heart could no longer hold up, and Gao Nanshun was almost exhausted. Take out my heart and throw it away alive, so that I don't have to worry about right and wrong anymore.The man in front of him always makes him cornered.He wanted to destroy him, destroy him severely, so that he could no longer control himself, but he didn't even have the strength to raise his hand, so he could only reprimand the swelling grievance and fatigue in vain.

He was almost out of breath.

"Sorry……"

Park Xingxiu looked at him with intermittent tingling pain in his heart.He didn't want to cause trouble to him, so even if he took all the burden, he didn't want to disturb him in the slightest.But seeing the pained expression on the man's face, he knew that he had caused him pain again.

Want to get closer, but always stab each other.

How do we hug?

"...Forget it, it's useless to talk to you." Gao Nanshun lowered his head, the dim light blurred his expression, as if he was so far away.Pu Xingxiu was inexplicably impatient, raised her head and wanted to approach him, and tried her best to see clearly the emotions of the man hiding in the night, but she couldn't get the slightest gentle response. "Just remember, stop talking nonsense, don't say anything, I can settle these things. You just need to live your life well."

"Nan Shun..."

"Also, don't come to me again in the future, and we won't meet again."

"..."

His expression froze, and his whole body began to tremble.Sitting up in a panic, ignoring the pain in the back of his hand from the needle prick, he lifted the quilt and wanted to get out of bed, but was forced back by the man's words.

"Don't come here! If you come here again, I will leave now."

It turned out to be that kind of expression.In the dreamlike night, he saw Gao Nanshun's face, full of grief, unforgettable pain, and heart-wrenching love.The determination was hidden in the corners of his eyes and brows, but it couldn't stop the sadness in his heart.That person is clearly in pain.

But he didn't dare to move anymore.

Time flows slowly in the stalemate, flowing into a magnificent river tonight, lying between them becomes an impassable ocean.It seems that the migration that has persisted for centuries is coming to you, only to find that you and me are in another time and space that is very close.

I really want to touch you.

Park Xingxiu's gaze fell silently, and he was still at the corner of the bed illuminated by the moonlight, in a daze alone.This kind of mutual care and silence is the most difficult to breathe.They stayed by each other's side, as if they were separated from each other.

"You know... This is the most cowardly thing you've ever done in your life. This time, I really look down on you. But I can't blame you. It's my fault that you can't be selfless."

"..."

"Isn't there a saying that if you don't love enough, you will have a lot of excuses."

He felt so tired, this love made him scarred.

How much strength does he still have, and he can chase after him without stopping.

There are floating clouds moving slowly, covering Ai Ai during the moonlight period, and the light in the room is dim and changing, hiding them in time and barely pulling them out.Those vicissitudes of life in an instant are the past that cannot be returned.

"... Count me as an asshole, count me as a coward. I admit it, and I will continue like this if I am obsessed with my obsession. Have you finished talking? I will leave when I finish."

The cold and hard tone is a dagger stabbed out persistently. I know you will hurt, so I will make you hurt. Only in this way, you will understand.

Some love is painful, cannot be touched, cannot be said.

"Let's go."

"..."

"Leave if you want..."

"Okay," he gritted his teeth, tried his best to control his trembling jaw, his lowered eyes slowly leveled, passed over the man in a hurry, and then fell again, as if he didn't dare to profane easily anymore, he stared at his toes, tried his best Put every word on the tip of your tongue: "Goodbye."

His steps are not faltering, he is just taking every step seriously, and the chic and splashed ink of turning around and leaving represents that brave dedication between the invisible footprints step by step.

No one knows what my pain is.

What is the parting.

But I have always been skeptical.

Why do you always have to travel thousands of miles to get happiness?

Why are you always on the other side of passing me by.

His vision was blurred, and he felt that the road full of light in front of him was not clear.

Why do people in the world always say that the light is true, but I am heartbroken because I left the darkness.

My love is left behind by me, why are you telling me it's waiting far away.

You are lying to me, you are lying to me.

What I felt was obviously pain.

The choked sobs echoed in the night sky, you know, those are actually severed wings.

It is my cry of pain.

In the dense night, under the incandescent lamp, I write you on paper.

It is you between the lines, and you are at the end of the page.

When you fill the book in my heart, I can read you all the time.

I love you the most, I want to collect you.

Let's talk about it next year.