this is love

[There will be various people and things blocking the front.Even so, even so, I won't let you go. 】

Dreams and reality are cut and glued, and the color blocks blend together.It's like throwing a large amount of oil paint on the dilapidated wall, and then starting to apply it bit by bit with your fingers.The base color uses a lot of warm red, and the blooming tends to be warm yellow.A scorching light gradually pierced through.

The spot of light shone on the retina, making his vision go white for a moment.When the light beams converged and then gradually faded, the continuous darkness spread out, mosaiced together unevenly.The background is inexplicably familiar, revealing an indelible sadness, which is both beautiful and decisive.

Then he saw a pair of teary eyes and felt himself surrounded by tender hands.

The moment he opened his eyes, the temples were wet, and the sticky feeling spread from the corners of the eyes all the way down, deep into the hair without seeing the end.The tears are clear and fresh, and even the rippling sourness in my heart is still lingering.Gao Nanshun bowed his back slightly, looked down at his hands that were lightly resting on his lap through the thin quilt, and unconsciously fell into intricate thoughts that he couldn't extricate himself from.

A new day infiltrates indistinctly from the window, and the hazy light sticks to the floor in an orderly manner, like a wedding from the alternating ups and downs of morning light and dark night.He stretched out his hand, and gently slid it along the slanted angle of the morning light. His fingers curled up in a meaningless gesture, but it seemed to be quietly caressing someone's sharp-edged face.

He stared blankly at the front, and then lowered his eyes silently for a long time.

For a moment, it seemed to be strangled by loneliness.

The temperature in April is like overcoming thorns and thorns across the rolling snow-capped mountains, finding the warmth of spring and the warmth of flowers, but still unable to forget the gentleness of the clear and misty winter.The coolness of the floor spread layer by layer. Gao Nanshun walked barefoot through the corridor, walking all the way to the brightest place in the house.The water in the glass swayed dissatisfiedly, he swallowed the coolness in his throat forcefully, and inadvertently looked sideways at the photo frame placed on the wooden cabinet.

Haggard but can't hide the hidden vitality, that man is not kind but he also has the vicissitudes of being a father, his expression is a little dull for a moment, but he always reminds him to try his best to live, live, and insist on whatever means life.

Such a lonely and pale morning made him feel bored.What's more, it brought back his memories, and it became an unexpected encounter that could not be more annoying.He had just sat down cross-legged on the floor when the bell rang from the corner of the living room.

In the huge room, he was only accompanied by the crisp bell that continued to vibrate.

How about a person's life?

"Brother, if you don't answer my phone, I won't be able to do business..."

After getting out of the car, Gao Nanshun stood up straight, gently pushed the sunglasses that were slightly slid down on the bridge of the nose with the middle finger of his right hand, glanced sideways at the assistant who was busy picking up things, and walked towards the company gate without any response.

The stomach pain that has been lingering since the morning is faintly burning in the body, and at this moment there is a bit of nausea, Gao Nanshun's frowning brows are hidden under the bangs, and the gloomy eyes are also hidden behind the sunglasses I don't want to show it to others.He walked briskly down the corridor and turned into the end where the elevator was.The hands in the pockets couldn't help clenching.

Is it because of the recent irregular diet and increased coffee consumption?

He lowered his head and looked at the seam between the elevator door and the floor, and he didn't pay attention to the sound of the assistant next to him rushing up to him.It wasn't until the sound of the elevator arriving that he raised his head wearily, but he was looking into the cold eyes of the person at the door.

"..."

Some people don't use words, just a look and a movement are enough to make you feel on pins and needles.

Gao Nanshun's frown hidden between his bangs became more and more serious, and the anxiety and boredom he unconsciously acquired was unknown even to himself.He just fixed his eyes on that person's face, and there was a silent dispute and tugging in the intersection of his eyes, and his body was tightly defended under the seemingly calm appearance.

Cui Yingmin's demeanor couldn't be more relaxed, the originally warm and unintentional eyes condensed to a few degrees below zero, and cut through him like a blade, barely ignoring him.When he stepped out of the elevator and turned to leave, he was so chic that he didn't even say hello.

Unknown, the assistant looked sideways at the indifferent and isolated back of the person who was walking away, and then turned around to see Gao Nanshun standing in the empty elevator and looking at him expressionlessly, or not looking at anything at all.

The embarrassing and suffocating tension in the air has never faded, and it just went straight up into the sky with the elevator.

As the afternoon approached, the temperature rose several degrees, and the sun was so bright that it seemed to help clear up the haze in his mood.Gao Nanshun leaned against the front of the floor-to-ceiling window and sipped his coffee cup carefully. The busy traffic downstairs seemed to be isolated in another world, which he couldn't touch or blend in.

The circumstances of that night always rewind on their own initiative.He closed his eyes and let the scene in his mind tear his nerves. Park Xingxiu's expression pierced through the years and shocked his heart.In a trance, he recalled the appearance of the man lying on his body and looking at him with tears streaming down his face six years ago, which was more sad than sad.

Overlaid on the current face, he saw the constant obsession in the man's eyes.

It made him both happy and sad.

This love persisted so far that he was almost at a loss.

How to face it, how to face it.

There are problems everywhere.

A hum interrupted the daydream, Gao Nanshun came back to his senses, turned around and went to the table to pick up the cell phone that had stopped vibrating.He hesitated for a moment and chose to open the text message from an unfamiliar number, as if his habit of not reading strange messages had been unknowingly discarded since the person sent the text message.

[Let's talk, I'll wait for you at the coffee shop opposite.Cui Yingmin. ]

The line of sight was fixed on the screen of the mobile phone, and the associated actions also froze.He looked at the man's undeniable words, and slowly slid his index finger against the edge of the fuselage. After thinking for a long time, he swiped sharply with his thumb and chose to delete.

After a while, there was a crisp sound of closing the door, and only half a cup of coffee was left to cool down by the table.

They looked at each other and remained silent.

I don't know how long it has been since Gao Nanshun took his seat.

When he walked not far from the coffee shop, he noticed that Cui Yingmin was sitting by the window, occupying the most conspicuous position fearlessly, as if he was afraid that others would not notice.He stared at the lazy and leisurely figure of the man reclining on the seat for a while, before stepping into the coffee shop again.

The other party came from nowhere, and he didn't make a sound until a long time after he sat down and ordered coffee.It is obvious that they are not in the relationship of drinking afternoon tea and talking heart-to-heart.

Seeing him sitting there motionless, looking thoughtful, Gao Nanshun also relaxed his mind, prepared to remain unchanged in response to all changes, and simply ignored the scene of the other party looking out the window and suddenly wandered off.

In the end, it was Cui Yingmin who broke the dead silence.

"Don't provoke Xingxiu again."

"..."

The man raised his eyes again and swept away the previous leisurely and casual eyes, and the expression on his face was just right, not vicious but also undeniably serious.It seems to penetrate him, and touch the bottom line clearly.

Gao Nanshun tapped his fingers holding the handle of the coffee cup, the irritability in his heart was mixed with slight anger, stirring his stomach made him feel sick.After restraining for a long time, he steadily picked up the cup and handed it to his mouth, took a sip and quickly put it down.With the slight sound of the cup falling, the words in his mouth came out immediately.

"It's none of your business."

"...Heh," Cui Yingmin chuckled, and that smile definitely didn't mean friendliness, and too much ridicule hit him with a stick: "I know that comrades in this circle are not uncommon, but I didn't expect them to be like You, Sean, are so calm and self-possessed..."

Needless to say the rest, he has seen this kind of cynicism a lot, since no one has peeped into his heart, he is happy to be quiet, guarding his subjective world alone, without arguing or explaining himself .

Looking at the other party for a long time, Gao Nanshun wanted to see what earth-shattering words this person could say to scare him.

"You want to play these things, but Xingxiu may not want to play. Don't overestimate yourself, even if he can't ignore you due to the past, you can't be his future." Cui Yingmin lowered her eyelids, looking at the coffee cup The self reflected in the mirror swayed slightly.Those memories flashed by one by one, how could he forget that person's suffering and self-restraint these years, just like a person who practiced with a pure heart, who has tasted all the painful self-torture.Even if he didn't know their past, he couldn't let his best friend who walked on the smooth and sunny road run into the boundless darkness again.

"In these years, I watched him come. All the difficulties in it, you can't imagine, and you have no right to obliterate them easily. He has persisted and worked hard for so many years, and it is not easy to achieve what he is today, and he can see success. How can the future fall short because of you alone? Don't be ridiculous..."

"The entanglement of old things, those are all nonsense, it's meaningless to mention them again. Don't use these as capital, not only shameless but also useless. Don't you think you are noble, then let someone go, you should be able to do it smartly ?”

"People who turn their heads frequently can't go far." With a movement of his body, he adjusted his movements, sat up straight and looked over, his eyes were full of righteous and awe-inspiring preaching, but all of them showed concern for the person in the words, Cui Yingmin stared into Gao Nanshun's eyes, not allowing him the slightest hesitation or dodge, and looked deeply into his eyes. "Don't hold Xingxiu back, I won't allow you to do that."

"Are you finished?"

"..."

"It's time for me to talk." Gao Nanshun also straightened his waist, looking at the other party solemnly, but his eyes always showed ubiquitous indifference and counterattack: "First, I didn't pester him. Second, we The affairs of two people cannot be interfered by a third person. Third, life is his own choice, which has nothing to do with me or you. Fourth, don’t you find it funny that you ask me to teach you like this? Fifth... ..."

He stood up, straightened the collar of his coat, and finally looked at the other party after putting down his hands: "Don't ask me out for such boring things in the future. Goodbye."

The moment before he turned around, he clearly saw the man's disfigured expression, gloomy and stiff, which made the original handsome appearance pale.For some reason, the pleasure in my heart cheered uncontrollably, as if I won a battle, and the opponent became an out-and-out defeater.

After stepping out of the cafe's door again, Gao Nanshun looked up at the still bright sunlight hanging above, feeling inexplicably relieved from his long dull mood.Wearing sunglasses on the bridge of the nose, they couldn't hide the ambiguous smile on his face.

The document in his hand was thrown away for the 9th time, Park Xingxiu slumped against the seat, raised his head and pressed the weight of his whole body on it, turned 180 degrees and leaned against the desk, closed his eyes, and let out a heavy sigh , but could not relieve the anguish that continued to expand in the chest cavity.

What to do, thinking of that person makes my heart feel hot and painful.

Now he can't even hate himself for such a worthless self.How could he be so obsessed with a person, even he was surprised.But there is no way, no way can heal, only when that person embraces him and accepts all his love and intentions, can he be redeemed.

There is only one way.

He opened his eyes again, and the ceiling and the wall came into view at a strange angle. He stared at the lines in the snow-white area for a long time, then slowly raised his right hand, and his gaze followed the wrist all the way to the fingertips. , He repeatedly observed the lines on his palms, recalling the force that strangled that man's neck that night.

That was the kind of ruthlessness that made him terrified afterward.He didn't know why he went crazy, with an almost destructive impulse to fight against the existence that made him suffer.If this is the precursor to mania, he begins to fear that he will hurt him someday.

That person, let him taste the pain, and pinch the expectation of sweetness.

The moment his arm was lowered, a thought took root in his heart alone, and there was only one instruction waiting for him to do it.

Miss him, want to see him.At this moment, there is no delay.

When he rushed downstairs to the man's company, it was already evening, and the setting sun was sluggishly gliding across the sky, silently waiting for the sinking, but the infinitely warm light spread out, pouring all the way unscrupulously However, all the corners are reflected like pictorials of the old times, with a long charm.

He didn't stop for a moment, rushing like he was rushing to a major juncture in his life.While waiting for the elevator, my heart was burning with unbearable fire. I don't know why, once the thoughts arise, it will start a fire like a fire, and it will be difficult to stop.He was tortured by this lovesickness, his heart was so corrupt that he almost suffocated.

After reaching the ninth floor, he stepped into the corridor, but had a sudden hesitation.After a few days, they have never been involved in each other's lives, and the last meeting that was not pleasant ended without a problem. He didn't know what kind of posture he should take to meet each other this time to be considered natural.Even if he has longing, he can't tolerate the slightest restlessness.

Nan Shun, Nan Shun.

Repeatedly whispering that person's name in the bottom of my heart, like a sedative secretly injected into a vein, gently comforting his heartbeat, but rekindling his expectation.Park Xingxiu tidied up his clothes that were a little messy due to his quick steps, and then slowed down and walked through the doors on both sides of the corridor one by one, looking forward to finding the room where Gao Nanshun might be.

At the end of the corridor on one side, a door opened from the inside. Park Xingxiu looked up inadvertently while searching, and saw two people walking out of the door one after the other, still talking to each other.He looked at the middle-aged man, and felt as if he had seen him somewhere before, and then looked at the young man on the side, and the feeling of familiarity was even better. After thinking about it for a long time, he remembered that it was when he reunited with Gao Nanshun, The one who came to take him away.

Probably the staff around him.

While thinking, he walked forward and wanted to ask, but he was frozen in place because of the words that inadvertently drilled into his ears.

Shock and pain went hand in hand for an instant, and it was unbelievable to present a cruel reality, poking his heart and making him feel unbearably distressed.

Why is it so.

why.

Sure enough, after night fell, the cold place was still so cold.Such a temperature difference may be unbearable for people with poor resistance. The coolness permeated in the air spreads with the wind, and it is shiveringly cold when it penetrates into the sleeves and collar.If coupled with the burning pain in the stomach, no one would deal with it lightly.

When Gao Nanshun returned to the apartment downstairs, he happened to be experiencing extreme stomach pains, which made him wish he could curl up in place and stay still.Climbing on the wall and staggering forward, reaching for the elevator and pressing the button seemed to use up all the strength.Gao Nanshun leaned against the elevator, cold sweat slowly slid down his temples, he hadn't suffered such a degree of stomach pain for a long time, the stomach that had been tossed by him over the past few years would torture him from time to time to endure the pain nerve.

I don't know if it's a psychological effect, or the recent life pattern is really not good, this time the pain is overwhelming.Even his consciousness was slightly blurred.

When he got out of the elevator, on such a cold night, he was forced to break out in a cold sweat.Holding the wall and moving forward, he gritted his teeth to endure the pain, and only allowed himself to let out a little moan when he realized that there was no one else around.

Fingers inadvertently skipped the induction lamp socket on the wall of the corridor, and the lights above the head bloomed in an instant.It made it even more difficult for his already foggy eyes to discern the direction.

"Woo..." The next moment he cried out in pain, he couldn't hold back anymore and fell to his knees.The extreme pain was about to crush his stomach, but he was panting violently, but it seemed that he couldn't breathe in a single bit of air.He nearly fainted from the pain.

In the next second, hands stretched through his armpits and lifted him up vigorously, and he only felt that he fell into a slightly cold embrace and was surrounded tightly by someone.Familiar smells filled the surroundings, and the eyes, nose, mouth and ears could perceive the person in front of him.

Looking up in weakness, the tears rolled down suddenly inadvertently, dripping directly to the chests of the two who were tightly pressed together.In the blurred vision, the light was still full and full, and in a warm and clear sense, he saw the eyes of the man looking at him, tenderly like a pool of broken moonlight.

"pain……"

He slowly relaxed the hand covering his stomach, and suddenly climbed onto the man's shoulder, firmly grasping the fabric of his back and clenched it tightly.The words that came out of her mouth were full of vigor, expressing her sadness with aggrieved heart.

Gao Nanshun lowered his head, leaning against the man's neck and letting the tears flow everywhere, unable to care about any face anymore, his bitten lower lip was as red as dripping blood against his pale face.His consciousness seemed to be scratched by sharp claws, challenging the limits of his nerves and refusing to relax.

"It's okay, I'm here. I'll take you home."

Today is the birthday of the feeling of pain, Park Heung-su thought.

This person was dying of pain because of the pain in his body, and his heart was piercingly hurt because of his pain.

Seeing the pale face of the man shaking his head indiscriminately and the lower lip that was almost bitten off, he hated himself for not being able to replace him, he could only hold him in vain, intending to find medicine to comfort his pain but still had to see him get through it That painful moment.

Pinching his jaw with one hand to stop his self-abuse of biting his lower lip, Park Xingxiu lowered his head and kissed his lips.As if trying to suture the pain, or pass it on to himself, the tip of his tongue delicately licked [Jinjiang], repeatedly grinding the bitten lower lip, but his breathing inadvertently increased, responding to the painful panting of that person [Jinjiang] breathing, rustling echoes in the corridor also has an ambiguous feeling of [Jinjiang].

When Gao Nanshun's teeth bit his lower lip, he breathed a sigh of relief from the bottom of his heart.It was as if the dust had settled, finally sharing the pain of that person.He allowed the smell of blood to spread wantonly between his lips and teeth, and tightened his arms around the opponent's waist, guiding him to move carefully in the direction of home.

When they parted again, Gao Nanshun had already collapsed from a round of collapse-like pain, leaning against his arms, unable to move an inch, Park Xingxiu asked his house's door lock code and opened the door conveniently, a second before entering the door, there was a faint light Flashing past the end of the corridor, he wrapped his hands around Gao Nanshun's waist, looked sideways at the location where the flashing light was, and the next second the lights in the corridor happened to go out, so he didn't delay any more, and embraced the girl in his arms. When the person stepped into the door, he quickly closed the door with his backhand.

When Gao Nanshun woke up again, he opened his eyes and saw the familiar ceiling in the room.The chandelier was specially selected by myself before the decoration, just hoping to see the beautiful colors that I can appreciate every morning when I wake up.

There was still a sense of fatigue and exhaustion in his body, coupled with the lingering aftertaste of his stomach burning, he instantly recalled everything before.Sitting up with difficulty propping up the bed, he looked around the room for a week but didn't see a familiar figure. He lifted the quilt and was about to get out of bed only to find the pajamas he had already changed, and his movements froze in place in an instant.

He remembered that the man had kissed him, and he bit back in pain.

This fact made him a little annoyed and panicked.

Things seemed to be sliding in a direction he couldn't predict or grasp.

"you're awake."

With the sound of the door opening, a low voice sounded in front of him, the affirmative tone was full of tenderness that was clear at a glance.Gao Nanshun looked up and saw the man walking over with a water glass and rice porridge, and the slightly sweet and warm fragrance of porridge permeated the air instantly.

"you……"

"I was waiting for you at the door of your house. I happened to see your stomach ache, so I brought you back to take some medicine. You were in so much pain that you fell asleep." Park Heung-su seemed to sense the unspeakable embarrassment in his expression. Putting the things in his hands aside, sitting on the edge of the bed, he answered his words and began to explain.

"...Well, thank you." Gao Nanshun looked down at his hands, paused for a moment and added: "I'm sorry to trouble you."

"...No need to thank you." Park Xingxiu ignored his long-distance politeness, took the porridge bowl and wanted to feed him, but Gao Nanshun quickly dodged it, moved back three minutes, and looked at it hesitantly. he.

The two were at a stalemate, staring at each other for a long time.Until Gao Nanshun took the lead to avoid his sight, he spoke in a distorted tone: "I'm fine, I'll just come by myself. It's late, you go back first."

"..."

The air in the room was frozen in an instant, and Park Xingxiu's movements did not change in any way. Such an order to evict guests had no effect on him.He just looked at the person who tilted his head and didn't want to look at him, his eyes didn't waver at all, as if he was looking at his heart through his skin and bones.

Why are you still so stubborn?

"Alas—" There were sighs intertwined and diffused together, and the shadows that stretched for a long time were tossed and melancholy.Just such a monotonous sigh made Gao Nanshun chew out the obscure and endlessly noisy sad question.He felt sour in his nose and almost shed tears.

"Why... this love, you just don't want to look at it once..." Park Xingxiu looked down at the bowl in his hand, holding the spoon in his right hand and stirring gently in the rice porridge, steaming water vapor rose slowly, and died in the It quietly vaporized in mid-air.

"...Because," the first time, Gao Nanshun was willing to respond to him so quickly, but the sadness and anger in his heart multiplied, tangled together and about to burst: "This is not love."

……

He didn't understand, he didn't understand.

Park Xingxiu almost laughed out loud, mocking his timidity and his own failure.

After so many years, you never understood.

"You say this is not love, where do you get the confidence? What do you use to prove right and wrong? Dictionary interpretation? Ethics and morality? Or public opinion? I don't believe in interpretation. You will be with you forever."

How long is a person's life, and how to measure the length of life.

The death of ignorance lurks in the path, waiting to devour me at any moment.

How can I take you as a joke.

"Is there anything more important than that?"

I have been rebellious all my life, and I worship in front of you alone.

That is the love I have no regrets in this life, the capital to show off my might.

"I can say frankly that I have always loved you, from the beginning to the present. I can't be so great, at least I am braver than you."

Turn things upside down, warp my time.I walk on the path of godliness on foot, seeking the redemption of fit.

After seeing you, I am covered with sunlight.

Determined to travel thousands of miles, I want to run through this love all my life.

"The feeling of imprisoning yourself...is it good?"

The battle of trapped beasts, self-impossibility.

hold my hand.

I want to take you away, let me take you away.

His words were like a drum in the evening and a bell in the morning, shocking him.The moment his lacrimal glands were stimulated, he knew that he was about to burst into tears, his heart exploded with a bang, sand and rocks were flying, all the pitfalls from every word.Being pierced, seen through, and hugged naked.He almost collapsed like an ant's nest.

Gritting your teeth to endure the shock, you just need to collect the words of the precious words, bury them in the deepest part of your heart, cultivate and sprout, and then grow into vegetation that covers the sky and the sun.He has always imprisoned himself, and this mask was ruthlessly exposed, so he could only shiver in a corner.

How could he expose him so easily?

"Whatever you say, it doesn't make any sense to me anymore." Gao Nanshun looked at him, the red threads in the corners of his eyes seemed to be saddened to cry, but also seemed to be ashamed of resentment.It's just that those eyes no longer contained extravagant hope, he just looked at him, hollow and fragile, carefully guarding his heart.Deny any intrusion. "Why do you have to force it?"

Park Xingxiu met his gaze, took a panoramic view of the fragility of the man, and accepted it all.His heart that began to ache again clearly told him that this person was someone he wanted to take care of for the rest of his life, in exchange for his well-being.

How to give up easily.

[We are on the cusp of the crisis, comrades have worked hard. 】

"I'm sorry I wasn't by your side when Dad left."

All the struggles were reduced to ashes, Gao Nanshun's movements were sealed in place, his eyes looking at the warm-colored wall forgot to fold, his pupils became dilated, and he focused again, tears just came out of his eyes, slipped over the mole and smashed on the man's shoulder.

It's bitter, really bitter.

The fingers clenched on his chest trembled slightly, loosened as if he had exhausted all his strength, and slowly slid to his side. Pu Xingxiu was forced by the needle-like heartache, and repeatedly tightened the strength of the embrace, and took the man into his own world , good care.

In the sky of the universe, chaos first opened.

Everything, everything, for you, everything for you.

That's not enough, I can only give myself to you.

The re-melting lips [Jinjiang] and tongue were moved after many years of absence, and his tears rolled down without stopping.Holding his hands, warming his chest, propping up the sky for him countless times.Gao Nanshun felt that he had forgotten all the old pain in the dim eyes of tears, only the intense to scalding heat was continuously steaming upwards, making his tears unstoppable, unstoppable.

Tightening his fingers, he learned to hug that body back.

The only time I let myself go, to regain that clumsy and humble admiration.

I lost myself.

How can I lose myself?

It is hopeless to bring up the regrets of the old days.

What about you, why do you love me?