this is love

【Don't wait all the time. 】

The snowy night in the deep winter is quiet and weird, something must happen to give the silver covered everywhere an excuse to shine.Some people hurriedly trampled on the intact snow, some stared melancholy at the distant fall, some collapsed on the ground and let the cold bite.Some people cry, some laugh, some suffer unspeakably.

Park Xingxiu's eyes are like a screen, and the falling snow is the sand of the picture, with dots and dots, all of which are the vaguely familiar faces of that person.Baixue soaked through the skin and cooled all the way to the bone marrow, staggering in the bottom of her heart with constant churning and cutting pain.

This bloody betrayal has a deterrent force that is absolutely incomparable to the previous one.

He had completely forgotten how to regain his ability to breathe, and when he was completely cornered, it seemed that nothing but death was left.

What does he want to question, what should he ask, but at this moment he can no longer perceive anything other than the increasingly clear heartache.Ask the sky that Feixue is ruthless, and cry to the ground that Bingxue is bleak.At the moment when the sense of despair of being truly abandoned in this world hit his face, he felt that the world was dark.

Don't think about anything anymore, don't feel anything anymore, living is too painful, but dying is too painful.

When the future was bleak, he wished extravagantly to hide.

Strange dreams came, dragging and tearing, unwilling him to escape.He could hear his own panting intermittently, like a randomly edited cassette, every breath was full of broken suction that was on the verge of collapse, rubbing the vocal cords to produce harsh and terrifying noises, and the thunder hanging above his head burst into bursts Like Kui's roar.

The wind is rumbling, and the grass and trees are all soldiers.

He was surrounded by chaos, his inner spirit completely collapsed to the point where he showed timidity, he only missed that person's face.Dimly smiling at him in the rain, longing for beauty, longing for happiness, longing for everything sunny, but the reality hits again and again almost wiped out the remaining hope.Staggering to his knees and then perseveringly getting up, he saw a light ahead.

Stumbling open the door that blocked the light, he thought he was finally redeemed.

But the fact is that the next second the man was wearing a dress and holding the gentle woman on his arm and smiling gently, relatives and friends who couldn't see the face clearly surrounded him and applauded and celebrated, the warmth and joy of the blessing opened his bloody mouth and bent over to swallow, squeezing His heart seemed to be bleeding, and he collapsed and fell to the ground in an instant.

He opened his mouth but couldn't speak, the corners of his lips opened and closed, and what he could piece together were hoarse moans and cries, could anyone come and give him a hand, could anyone help him, go tell that person, he is coming Yes, he is here, he has been looking for him for a long time.

He misses him so much.

The heart-wrenching longing, the unforgettable love.

At this moment, he couldn't resist the gentle delivery of that person's eyes.

How could he smile like a flower at others in front of him.

【forget me, please. 】

Gao Nanshun's expression was extremely light, there was no boredom, no reluctance, no complexity, and no guilt, as if Park Xingxiu accidentally met him and poured out his obsession unilaterally and obsessively, making him bear it without effort or worry, he was just indifferent And softly whisper these four words.

【I do not want……】

Can you forget it?How could it be forgotten.He shook his head and let the tears fall, choking and sobbing, he couldn't tell who he was and who the other was.It's just that he was so wronged that his heart was so bitter that he couldn't even express his pain, let alone turn around gracefully.No matter how cruel his heart is, he will not let him tear his heart and lungs, and at the same time taste the pain of cancerous tumor corrosion.

[Nan Shun... Nan Shun...]

His whole body was burning, and he saw fire emanating from the palm of his hand, gradually climbing up along the lines of his skin, the smoke blackened his eyes, the flames scorched his limbs, and the pain caused by thousands of silver needles piercing his body was overwhelming. When he was in a daze and his brain was gradually emptied, he could only murmur the name of that person, as if leaving his heart in the sky, never to be found again.

I can't find it again.

In the haze, there was a rustling sound pierced into the eardrums, and the knocking on the temple made him sting unceasingly.Park Xingxiu felt as if his limbs were sinking in a swamp and slowly pulled out, and his thinking gradually became clear when light leaked out from the overlapping darkness.

The bright room was pure white, and the outlines of those scenes gradually became clear until he could distinguish his situation at this time. His opened eyes closed again wearily, and it took a few seconds for him to really wake up.Curling his fingers, he felt a bone-piercing pain from the back of his hand to his wrist.Park Xingxiu turned his eyes and looked down, and found the slender and transparent infusion test tube falling down the medicine bottle and getting into the quilt.

He is in the hospital.

The moment this signal was reflected into the cerebral cortex, the irritability in his heart rushed to his limbs and bones, but he was imprisoned by the depleted physical strength and was unable to resist.

While staring blankly at the snow-white ceiling, someone pushed open the door and walked in.

"Are you awake?" The woman's expression was full of joy and relief that could not be concealed, and her steps towards him were slightly anxious and messy. His thinking seemed to be activated at this moment, and the moment he met her gaze, he burst into tears. Then it rolled down.

"..."

Park Jisu froze in place, the steps she wanted to take, the hands she wanted to stretch out, the care she wanted to spit out, no matter what it was, they were all crowded in her chest and smashed into pieces, Park Heungsu's tears soaked those futile efforts In the end, she repaid her a "big mistake" sourly.

Even though she knew about the resentment and chaos that was about to take over, and even though she had prepared enough to bear the incomprehensible loss, after seeing the child crying silently, she still felt her heart tighten and slow down. The bitterness and desolation that slowly spread was enough to drain the strength of the whole body.

He is very sad.

Or it is not enough to describe it as sad.

Pain, sorrow, despair until hopelessness.These words are pale.She looked at him with horror.

Filled with soaring panic, he almost wanted to throw away his armor and flee.

What if everything is beyond her imagination?

She began to wonder if she was sure enough to see Park Heung-su survive this ordeal.

Don't be afraid of [-], just be afraid of what happens.

That burst of crying seemed to be suppressed in the chest and swelled to the limit, slowly and slowly like the dawn of the sun, when finally struggling to tear the blood stained the sky, everything began to understand.The moment it broke out, Park Jisu couldn't help but tremble all over.

The sobs that were faintly visible at first became more and more loud, and the tears that flowed seemed to flow away the sadness. Only when the water in the whole body was squeezed out could there be room to breathe.Park Xingxiu frowned tightly, biting his lower lip like a last defense.But it was still defeated, a mess, a complete defeat.

He wanted to be presumptuous once, so he no longer endured anything.

Then crying became unscrupulous.

Crying until Park Jisu’s face gradually blurred, crying until his eyes were stinging, crying until hallucinations appeared again and again as if he could see that person’s long-lost face, crying until all the pain in his heart exploded, he chewed on this thing that no one can share with him. A shared cry of hurt.

He couldn't complain about his sister's obstruction, that was love.

He also couldn't complain about Nan Shun's departure, that was the so-called love.

Who is he to blame?himself?

At this moment, if he couldn't find anyone to put his resentment on, he was afraid that he would lock his throat and force himself to death.

No matter how hard he tried, he still fell short of what everyone expected.No matter how hard he pushed himself, he still couldn't come up with an answer that satisfied everyone.No matter how hard he tried, he still couldn't grasp the only desire he had.

What he doesn't care about, others care about, and ask him to obey.

What he cared about was spurned by others.

Neither advancing nor retreating.

Caught in a dilemma, he was left with the heart-pounding pain he tasted alone.

I just want that one person.

That one person is fine.

That person's name was hidden in his sobs, and when Park Xingxiu's red eyes looked at his sister, they were more sad, as if he had spit out all his heart for her to see, let her see, he cut What was dropped.

"Sister, do you know?... You are my relatives. Without relatives, I might die... But, without Gao Nanshun... I would die rather than live."

"..."

"Did you know? Did you know..."

After those eyes looked at the ceiling in despair again, even though the tears never stopped, his expression was extremely tired. Park Xingxiu, who had a high fever for three days, was already weak and experienced such excessive ups and downs of emotions, and would only fall into a drowsy sleep in the end.The tear-stained face mocked Park Ji-su's eyes, as if she was the executioner who hurt people's bodies and minds.

She staggered back to the wall and sat down on the chair.

The snow outside the window did not know when, and it was scattered quietly again.

He never cried again after that.

It seemed that even the lacrimal glands were closed, and no more fluid could be secreted, and nothing could penetrate into his heart and cut out tears.The ability to cry was turned off the day after tomorrow. I don't know if it is a blessing or a misfortune.

It's just that when Pu Zhixiu came to pick him up and left the hospital but found that the ward was empty and found the rooftop, she wished she could see him burst into tears every day in the future, and she didn't want to see him crumbling on the edge of a high place.

Her teeth were shaking and fighting because of unprecedented fear, and she was trembling for fear that if she accidentally saw his figure disappear from her eyes.She used all her strength to restrain the panic and confusion of her weak legs, and stepped forward slowly with every foot firmly, as if groping in the darkness, for fear of offending the hidden gods.

She almost broke down completely.

"Xingxiu, what are you doing?"

When she asked this sentence, the ending was trembling. I don't know if Park Xingxiu noticed it, but he just turned his head and glanced at her lightly, then turned back and continued to look at the unknown sky.

She always remembered that the day was just covered with heavy snow, the sky was so gray that it was almost old, and the ground covered with snow on the roof was suddenly interrupted by the footprints of the two of them. She looked at Park Xingxiu standing on the roof in a heavy coat Looking at the back in the distance from the edge, I almost knelt down for a moment.

It seems that she can no longer bear the original strength. In fact, she doesn't have so much energy to fight against a feeling that is so strong and tenacious that it is terrifying.

The emotion that she regards as deformed and unfortunate seems to be mocking her insignificance at this moment.

"sister."

Park Xingxiu's voice calling her was unbelievably soft, as if there were many gentle whispers she wanted to say to her, for a moment she almost thought it was caused by her hallucination, but after Park Xingxiu spoke again, she knew that the words were alive, Standing right in front of her, he half-understood and told her a truth.

"Sister, I want to go home."

In this world, human beings are insignificant. There is a vast and boundless universe, a gently rotating earth, a majestic and surging ocean, a vast and empty sky, and a vast and boundless land.

Humans have evolved for thousands of years.

The ends of the earth, the vicissitudes of life.

There is always something that you cannot understand, that you cannot define.

You have to experience it solemnly with awe.

It's like holding a grain of ice and snow in your hand, watching a heart with your eyes.

What it is, is what it is.

On the day of graduation, Park Heung-soo was smiling.

Inexplicably missing a person by my side, he is clear in the face of many questions and doubts.There never seemed to be an attachment, nor did one person ever play any important role.He just smiled faintly from time to time.Say goodbye to everyone seriously.

Only when he met Mr. Zheng's slightly pitiful eyes did his expression loosen a bit.

She is his mentor.She was the only person who met him by chance and treated him tenderly all these years.As a teacher or friend who has only been together for two years, Zheng Renzai's care and devotion are hard to measure.

One of the only people he was grateful for.

So when he bowed, he paused for a long time before slowly straightening his shoulders.Teacher Zheng patted him on the shoulder with a smile. He was still thin but with the gentle temperament of being a teacher. He looked at him with three points of love and seven points of relief.

"Xingxiu has to treat himself well in the future, you know?" Teacher Zheng's tone was filled with imperceptible regret and distress as if he had seen through some self-evident facts.Do you feel that today he stands alone in the noisy atmosphere of the second class, and suddenly he is silent and lonely?

is he alone

It seems to be lonely.

"Don't force yourself too much, and don't be too demanding on yourself. Some things, you still have to look for happiness. At least remember to make yourself laugh, and your heart is relaxed."

"I know, thank you teacher."

"Don't thank me?" Mr. Jiang still couldn't forget to say something, he looked at this boy who was about to bid farewell to the immature boy who had created an aura all over his body, and felt sour for a moment.

This is graduation.

The first group of children he sent away after many years.

Park Xingxiu bowed again, solemnly and silently, he knew who was full of true kindness to him, and those ups and downs in the past were only smoothed out with all kinds of help. hands.

It's just that the person who had been with him in his ups and downs is no longer by his side.

When he met Song Xiajing's eyes again, he suddenly felt that the time was clear and short, but it seemed to have changed a lot of the past and the future.There was also some sense of regret in the two people's eyes. He still didn't know how to treat her, so he simply raised the corner of his mouth to smile symbolically again, and the girl's expression became calmer, and when she spoke, her voice was light and smooth.

"What major do you plan to study?"

"Probably the law."

"Is it."

"What about you?"

"Medicine or economics, choose one of the two."

Their dialogue is simple and neat, and it is easy to bypass some unmentionable parts, but there is a trace of sour silence in the crisp and dry blank.Some things, once they exist, last forever.The only thing you can't erase is the past.

What Park Xingxiu never expected was that Song Xiajing was the last person to talk to him before leaving school.

What kind of evil fate should this be.

In the snowy winter, all of them went their separate ways.

Waiting in the years, waiting to become a statue, waiting until time flies.

Empty my mind, waiting for you to give me a soft smile.

Six years later.

After Park Xingxiu locked the door of the office and walked outside the building, it was already past 11 o'clock in the evening.He raised his watch and glanced at the time, he stood there hesitating for a moment or walked straight along the street.There is no comfortable temperature in the warm and cold early spring, let alone the night.Pulling up the collar of the windbreaker that was put on the suit, Park Xingxiu changed the bag and folder in his hand to hold it in one hand.The vacant joints of the right hand were slightly red when exposed to the slightly cold air.

Nights in Seoul are sleepless.Even if the office is not located in the most prosperous Jiangnan area, it is still in a better area after all. He walked on the street and passed the colorful colors along the way.It's just that it's relatively rare for a person dressed like him to walk along the street late at night.

The breath of the sigh can still circle a white mist in the air, and Park Xingxiu can't help but get distracted watching those breaths that quickly dissipate without a trace.Just like inertia, every year in the cold season, those breaths rushing out of the mouth can always evoke certain memories of him.

Those moments of breathing, those moments of gazing with tears.

Infiltrating the icy air followed him for years.

In the trance of recollection, what woke him up was a piercing whistle.He subconsciously stopped, and couldn't help but fell backward for half a minute, his heartbeat suddenly rose to the top, and he looked at the car in front of him after the emergency brake with a look of shock.

The window of the passenger seat was rolled down, and he saw a man in his forties frowning and looking at him slightly annoyedly, with a bit of stern reproach in his eyes: "Sir, please pay attention to traffic safety, please? If you’re not careful, someone else will bear the consequences if something goes wrong.”

Park Xingxiu was stunned for a moment, and when he turned his head and saw the dazzling red light not far ahead, he realized that the thrilling moment was caused by his own absent-mindedness.He immediately nodded slightly with an apologetic expression, and said sincerely, "I'm sorry, I was thinking about something just now, and I'm sorry that I almost caused an accident."

He secretly blamed himself in his heart, how serious was the memory that made him so distraught, but fortunately everything was just a false alarm.

Perhaps because his attitude was more sincere, the man didn't say much, he just waved his hand to show that he didn't mind anymore, turned his head to the person in the driver's seat and said "Let's go" and then slowly closed the window.

Until the car slowly left, Park Xingxiu was still standing there, staring at it for a moment and couldn't help shaking his head and laughing at himself.

How many years have passed since you were so out of your mind?

With the sudden braking and restarting of the carriage, inertial pushes and tremors came from the carriage. The light sleeper half lying on the back seat could not help but frown, and the slight drowsiness originally accompanied by tiredness was once again disturbed without a trace. , he was a little annoyed, and simply sat up and complained dissatisfiedly, but his eyes were still closed sleepily.

"What's the matter?"

"It's nothing. Someone was distracted crossing the road. It's just a false alarm. Go back to sleep." The man in the passenger seat looked back at him, and from his irritable expression, he knew that he was dissatisfied with being disturbed in his sleep.

"I can't sleep yet." He tried his best to suppress the unreasonable irritability, closed his eyes, and fumbled for the earphones to plug his ears. He didn't feel a little peaceful until the familiar music sounded.

The modeling industry is not easy, and he is in the initial stage of his career rise, so he will not be neglected at all.But in this way, the overwhelming work and training squeezed all his time and energy, making it difficult for him, who has always been greedy for the refreshment and leisure of being alone, to adapt easily.

As if forcing himself into an incompatible world, he is like a different kind, looking at others and finding it difficult to integrate, and others seeing him as nondescript.It was all wrong, and in the end he gritted his teeth to support him.

"Sean, I have to tell you one more thing, try to adjust your biological clock and adapt to this rhythm of life. You can't imagine when you will be more tired than now."

"understood."

He knew without reminding him that from the day he decided to take this step, he never thought of turning back.

There is no way to turn back, so why not go to the end in one breath.

As soon as he got home, he felt continuous vibrations in his pocket. Park Xingxiu put the bag and folder on the shoe cabinet, took out his mobile phone and closed the door behind his back.Seeing the word "sister" displayed on the screen, he quickly slid the answer button.

"Hello? Sister."

"at home?"

"Well, I just got home." He took off his leather shoes and put them in the shoe cabinet to arrange them. While answering the phone, he took his bag and folders and went to the living room and sat down.Park Jisu's voice came clearly from the other end of the phone, and it seemed extremely close in the quiet night.

"Are you busy so late again? You don't know how to pay attention to your body. Is the office very busy?" Even if he couldn't see his sister's expression, he could predict what kind of worried but helpless it would be based on her tone appearance.Feeling warm in his heart, he lightly turned on the floor lamp beside the sofa, leaned on the sofa and relaxed his tense body.

"Fortunately, it's just that there's a tricky case recently, so I need to work all night."

He has been in the legal profession for two years and still needs to work hard. Just relying on the four years of university knowledge and attainments is not enough to say that he has any ability. He learns lessons and experiences from his predecessors, which is the real ability to earn.The case he is taking over now is not complicated, but it is not necessarily simple either.He just wants to treat every test with dignity, so that he can enrich himself bit by bit.

"Don't work too hard, it's still a long time." Pu Zhixiu knows his hard work, she has always seen it, why doesn't she hope that he will become famous as soon as possible, but it's not easy to get to where he is today, she no longer demands more, The current life should be considered flat and stable, and she should be content. "Come to my place on weekends, I will cook and reward you with a good meal."

"Ah."

It wasn't long before his sister hung up the phone. He just wanted to get up and go to the bedroom to change into casual home clothes when he was stopped by the vibrating mobile phone that was placed on the coffee table.

After seeing the name on the caller ID, he smiled comfortably, slid the answer button to his ear, and said softly with a smile: "Boy, are you disturbing people's rest?"

"Come on, can you rest at this time? Don't be funny." The man's voice was a little lazy and cramped, just like his usual temperament, but he still heard a trace of depression and irritability.

"What's wrong? Are you unhappy?" Park Xingxiu slowly untied the tight tie in front of him while paying attention to the tone of the person over there.

"...How could it be? Is there something that can make me unhappy," Bravery, it sounded like bragging, Park Xingxiu immediately expected something, that person might encounter something that made him dissatisfied, or someone who was dissatisfied . "Well, I admit it, I'm not happy."

"Go ahead."

"...I met a deadly enemy." The man's tone rose slightly, as if thinking of that person, he erected secret stabs all over his body to show others. Park Xingxiu couldn't help but wonder what kind of person would make him, who has always seen everything indifferently. Friends having headache resentment.He didn't speak, waiting for him to help him explain.

"That defiant guy, I don't know what he's pulling. He's just a rookie, he just looks down on everyone, he's so self-centered, he doesn't even talk to him, or he just puts it off with three or two words. Kind of Can beauty be so arrogant? Damn, I can't be so arrogant that I step on his face and walk over?"

Park Xingxiu couldn't help imagining that scene, and couldn't help laughing out loud, which immediately aroused the other party's dissatisfaction. It wasn't until he comforted him in a low voice that he gradually calmed down his anger. After thinking for a while, he still couldn't imagine that "no one in the eye" appearance, in fact, it was more Most of them don't understand why such a person is easily irritated by his friends. After thinking about it, it is because he cares more about others.

It's just that such conjectures can't be opened easily. If the other party blows his hair, he won't even think about sleeping tonight.

"Okay, don't get angry for such a person, you will ignore him in the future, let him taste what it feels like to be ignored."

"...Whatever, don't worry about it, just thinking about it gives me a headache, unlucky guy. Huh, Xiao En, and SUN, it's so gloomy at all, where's the sunshine? The person who gave him his stage name has eyes on the sky .”

"What's his name?" When Park Xingxiu heard this name, he inexplicably felt that it had some meaning. There are not many people in the modeling industry who use this kind of stage name that is too literary. For example, his friend simply uses Cui Yingmin's real name. .

"Sean, SUN."

His name is Sean, SUN.

When this syllable sounded crisply between the lips, it should be with a bit of concentration.Even he himself can't predict, besides the unknown future, there is also that man who is far away and close at hand.

After time went around, I even forgot that I was looking forward to it.

Forget the throbbing of tears, learn the arc of a smile, and keep your body and mind numb.

In the end, I became a man without any weaknesses, lonely as water.

I will live a good life, as you wish.

But my heart longs for it, and no one can make it up.

Not even you.

Because you have abandoned me like a shoe.

But I love you.All the time.

When he repeated that name again, he knew that his name was Sean.

Sun.

my daylight.