this is love

【I'm not afraid of tens of thousands of people blocking me, I'm afraid of surrendering myself. 】

After putting a simple glass of water on the low table in front of Pu Zhixiu, Gao Nanshun sat down cross-legged opposite her. The two of them hadn't spoken for a long time since they entered the door. The silence spread in the air like an instant aggravation. The pressure, that strange sense of oppression made Gao Nanshun's nerves even more tense, which had not been relaxed for a moment.He stared down at the edge of the low table, as if he had lost the courage to look at Pu Zhixiu.

He guessed that there would be such a day when they would face each other face to face, but he never thought that it would come so soon.

Everything that is about to hit is like an ambush that has been hidden for a long time, and the precarious sense of imbalance makes people uneasy and uneasy.

Just when Gao Nanshun thought the glass of water on the table would only be left with the fate of gradually dissipating heat, the unexpected Pu Zhixiu picked it up and took a sip, which was enough to give him face, or maybe she didn't. As calm and composed as he looks on the surface, after all, he still has different degrees of nervousness like him.

It's just that after the cup lightly touched the edge of the table again, the silence hovering around him was abruptly broken.

"I don't want to fight any more psychological warfare, so I'll just say it straight. You and Xingxiu..." At this point, Park Zhixiu paused for a few seconds, as if thinking about how to organize the next words.Gao Nanshun lowered his head and squeezed his trembling right wrist tightly with his left hand, but found in vain that the trembling had spread to his heart in an instant. The feeling that his whole heart was trembling was not at all uncomfortable, but no matter how much he suffered, he would eventually die. Boo, he is now completely stuck, unable to escape, unable to run away.

"I already know what you are hiding from me." When the end of this sentence finally reached his ears with the spread of sound waves, he felt a sense of exhaustion as if all the suspense had been settled.Deceit and lies, after all, these are too heavy tasks, it is both difficult and unavoidable to make people look forward and backward.

Why choose to conceal and deceive, once this decision is formed, it has already produced invisible pressure, and it is easy to force one's own pace to cause panic, and there are more lingering fears that linger everywhere.

It was only now, at this moment, that Gao Nanshun really discovered how deeply those fears and panic were buried.

He couldn't say a word.

"I know you two have a good relationship, so I have nothing to say if he wants to reconcile with you. But everything stops here, beyond this point, no amount of reasons can be justified." Park Zhixiu looked at Gao Nanshun slightly nodding his shoulders. She is already trying her best to restrain the negative emotions that are ready to move. The child in front of her sometimes makes her feel really pitiful. He seems to have grown silently on this land. neglect.

But the person who loves him should never be Pu Xingxiu.

Never should.

"The three years I want to be separated have affected you too much. As far as Xingxiu is concerned, I watched how he came to life. I don't even want to look at this kind of life. I know you guys The pain you have experienced is deep-rooted, and it intensifies your attachment to each other, but what about the truth? You think it is love, but you may not realize it until the end. It is just attachment. After chasing the love you thought was unique, and then discovering that it is wrong and nothingness, it will be too late. It will be too late, do you understand?"

Those words are like taking root, densely packed with branches and leaves.

"After going through so much, can you be sure that the relationship between you is not excessive emotional venting? Because of the venting of regrets and misses at the beginning, you understand all emotions as love. Can you stand Can you speak clearly about this so-called "love" declaration under the sun? Can you guarantee that you can bear the pain and exhaustion that will completely distort your life in the future?"

With a stinging pain full of holes, it invaded silently.

"Even if you choose not to turn back now, can you use this love to make Xingxiu jump down likewise? Watching him hit his head and bleed without stopping, is this your love?"

He didn't expect it to hurt like this, really didn't expect it.

"People always have greed, I know this. But if you really love someone, that greed will gradually rot in the day and night of self-blame. If you love him, what you have to do is not Choose to never turn back, but to never turn back for him. If you can’t do it, then the meaning of this love is open to question.”

If he had thought that it would be such a pain, would he still choose this direction?

"Park Xingxiu, this person, do you really plan to let him go this way? He had a football dream, but he died on the way of chasing it. He has been decadent for three years, and he almost seems to rot in the mud of life. Now He started to cheer up again, and you finally helped him cheer up, and then? Let him fall into a deeper and darker vortex, and this time it will fall harder and more painfully, and in the end his life is still left What? Let's imagine."

Even imagining is painful, with hot wax poured on it, bringing a scorching, burning breath.

He began to feel suffocated.

"Enrolled in college or failed to pass the exam, then stepped into the society, found a job or even couldn't find a stable job, and under the pressure of life, they still had to risk being with you and avoiding the pressure of others. The gaze hides all the emotions in the heart and cannot be vented. Marriage and childbirth are all vague ideas. You can't taste the happiness and happiness of a virtuous wife and filial piety. Crushed the body, bruised the will, and then? At the moment when you are constantly arguing with each other and starting to tire of each other, what is left of your life? When he really regrets this life, doesn't everything you choose come to nothing? Ridiculous? Have you ever imagined what Park Heung-soo would look like?"

The chest cavity bears too much gravity, and the suffocation seeps out layer upon layer of dull pain.

He felt his back being bent, and he wanted to cut off his tongue for no reason.

"Do you want to see Park Xingxiu like this? Maybe he can only live this life, only this life, do you really want to destroy him?"

The words that suddenly passed away echoed in his dreams.

Forced him to have nowhere to hide, he could only be exposed to the darkness and let despair tear him apart.

"I'm his sister, and it's natural for me to care about him. So I ask you, do you want to destroy him? Do you want to destroy your own life together?"

He also chose to question himself.

These, all, all, seem to be the most precious existence, can he really choose to do whatever it takes?

"Tell me about it."

"I..." Gao Nanshun moved his body slightly and tried to raise his head, but found that the constant posture made his bones stiff, and even a movement of lifting his chin caused a sharp pain in his shoulder and neck. "I...I want him to be happy."

"..."

"I can't do anything to hurt him. It should be said that since that time three years ago, I never dare to do it or want to do it again... Sister, I should solemnly say something to you. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, Hurt Xingxiu, and also hurt your heart." For the first time in a long time, Gao Nanshun met Pu Zhixiu's eyes at such a close distance, and the moment his eyes met, he was stung by the light in those eyes.The burning hope and determination in it seemed to be judging everything about him, and he would never be allowed to dodge in the slightest: "I can't promise anything, but I really don't want to part with him. To describe that kind of feeling, only love seems to be the most suitable I don’t know if it’s right or not. In fact, it seems to be wrong, but looking at his smile, I can feel that he is happy. I don’t want to break those happiness..."

"Do you have to do this?" Pu Zhixiu's emotions suddenly became so intense, as if a word just now violated her bottom line, making her unable to pretend to be calm anymore. "It sounds like a selfless guardian, but you ask yourself, is it really for him? Can you deny that you don't have the slightest selfishness for yourself? You can't. If you are really like you said, everything is for He wouldn’t listen to me until now. In fact, you’re not even sure about it, are you? What’s the best way to treat him..."

"..." Gao Nanshun's eyes trembled again and again, and then the blush couldn't help creeping up his eye sockets after all, he looked at Pu Zhixiu's slightly frowning eyebrows because he was holding back his anger, under the shroud of the dim yellow light hanging above his head He looked inexplicably sad, and instantly felt the bitterness of mixed feelings soaking in his limbs and bones like spilled ink, and his final look of distress was like a capitalized word "injury". "I'm sorry, I might be really selfish...Let him go, I can't do it, I really can't do it, sister..."

He keeps trying.

Try to gather your last breath for yourself.

Then tell yourself that the time has not yet come to an end.

There is still a way ahead of me.

When Pu Zhixiu slammed the door and left, she really used some strength.The sound of the door being slammed shut echoed in my ears for a long time, causing Gao Nanshun to sit there in a daze, unable to move.It was as if he had fought a battle, and the tension in his whole body could not be relaxed. He remained so tense for a long time, looking at the water glass on the table as if waiting for the water in the glass to dry up by itself.It wasn't until there was a vibrating sound that continuously harassed his hearing, as if penetrating into the lungs and shaking his internal organs, he finally relaxed as if he had been amnestied, and the whole person actually collapsed to the ground first.

This battle was obviously not annihilated, but it was even more depressing than annihilation.

why.

He should have laughed.

After the vibrating sound disappeared for a while, it rang again persistently. Gao Nanshun groped and stretched out his hand to grab it. He slid the call button without seeing who was calling. When the familiar voice came from the hot machine attached to his ear, He finally broke down and sobbed.The crying was suppressed in the throat intermittently, and it took a long time to splice together and burst into a real bitter cry.

Park Xingxiu's voice was low and deep, but soft and soft as if kissing his ear.

"Honey……"

That nickname was obviously too nasty, and he must have protested, and it would have aroused his rage before this minute.But right now, after this minute, all he wanted was to kiss his jaw.

The opening and closing of the jaw, and the soft spit out of the voice, whispered to him in his ear.

"fool……"

He called him a fool, he was his darling, he could almost see that the man raised the corner of his mouth but frowned slightly, with a helpless but pity expression, clearly expressing his love for him.

How could he not see it?

Ming and Mingqiu are bright and refreshing, but he only sees the bleak autumn wind.

Gao Nanshun stood alone on the roof of the teaching building, squinting his eyes looking at the slightly floating clouds in the distance.Time flies too fast, and now he is standing under the shadow of the geese's wings in autumn, the war without gunpowder smoke and the crying of collapse have long been imprinted in his memory with fuzzy edges.Time passed too slowly, he dragged his provocative will and trekked so far, but he still couldn't completely swallow the bitter fruit that was rooted that day.

It's like waging a constant war with ego.He wandered between liberation and depression for a long time without redemption.Those emotions that have been repeatedly tormented and boiled are faintly churning in the bottom of my heart, which is an absolute that no one can empathize with or bear for them.He tried his best to fight against it, silently and desperately choosing to fight alone.In the end, I found that even self-rescue had lost the possibility as imagined, and as a result, there was only endless waiting left.

When he looked at Park Xingxiu, he felt that this waiting could come to an end.When Pu Xingxiu looked at him tenderly and smiled, he felt that this waiting might be fulfilled early.But the fact is that the more time passes, the more dangerous he feels.

Park Zhixiu's words had never disappeared, even though the voice had already disappeared in the physical sense, but they were stubbornly parasitic in his heart, unwilling to leave with a dead skin, but thrived.Now what is on his mind, he can no longer tell whether it is Pu Zhixiu's blame or his own hesitation.

Life is a serious matter.Even Gao Nanshun still understands the weight of it.Even if he has survived in a daze until now, and it doesn't make any sense if he can't make a name for himself, he knows that his longer and longer life will unfold in the future.He didn't have such lofty ambitions or deep expectations, he just wanted to live without regrets, so that he wouldn't experience extreme hatred of himself again in the future.

It's really an unknown thing, isn't it?

What is the guarantee that he will not hate himself, he dare not insist that his choice is correct.

That's why he was hesitant.

Seeing Park Xingxiu staying beside him so serenely and freely, he would feel that everything is taken for granted, and their future is unbelievably flat.Seeing Park Xingxiu occasionally getting irritable and repeatedly failing and angering the stalemate around him, he will feel that the hidden danger that makes him feel the most self-deceiving is infinitely magnifying behind him, ready to swallow him at all times.

That is no longer a word that can describe being tired.

Gao Nansun looked at the boys and girls chasing and playing on the playground, as if he saw Park Xingxiu in a trance.And that appearance turned out to be the chicness of bringing the ball into the goal, and the girls cheered endlessly.He suddenly began to imagine how brilliant and handsome Park Xingxiu would be without him in his life.

His life should be limitless.

Brilliant dreams, loud applause, girls following, sweet love, bright future.

How dazzling.

How ironic.

What about reality?What is reality?

Park Heung-soo walks on a disabled leg, and his dreams are shattered.Park Heung-soo's revenge for three years of decadent fate, his applause died down.Park Xingxiu built a cold and bone-chilling copper wall, and his girl missed his shoulder.Park Heung-soo is hopelessly addicted to entanglement with him, and his love is distorted.Park Heung-soo's yearning and his future are out of balance...

The more I think about it, the more afraid I become.

No, the more I think about it, the more I hate myself.

Gao Nanshun is still a selfish ghost after all.When he spurned himself like this, it seemed that he would feel a little less guilty for the greedy desire for Pu Xingxiu that was clamoring in his heart.He hated himself for being unrestrained, so he allowed Pu Xingxiu to sink deeper and deeper.

Gradually, he also understood one thing, as if he had finally seen through himself.He began to feel a deep sense of self-blame.

Why did you never mention the word "love" with Park Heung-soo, and why did you refuse to make a reassuring promise to each other so far.After all, he is still preparing a way out for the current predicament, as if if he doesn't say anything, he can be obliterated.

For the first time, he felt so ashamed of the title "Tsunami", and this cowardice made him miserable.It turned out that when facing Park Xingxiu, he still had such low self-esteem to the extreme, his avoidance was like a slap in the face of the other party, which scarred the self-esteem of love.

And what is he most afraid of?Gao Nanshun can no longer deceive himself, the deepest and heaviest fear comes from Park Xingxiu's remorse for this relationship, even if there is a possibility of one in a million in his future life.This fear is hidden behind the fear of destroying Park Xingxiu's life path, and he shrinks back and dare not see others.

So he is still selfish after all.

Because I am afraid of being stabbed heavily by love, I am tossing and turning restlessly at this moment.

And what about Park Heung-soo?He is torn between the heavy pressure of going to school like Mount Tai and the depressed emotions of his sister, especially when he finds that even Gao Nanshun is becoming lonely day by day, which makes him feel helpless.

He tried hard several times to balance everything. He randomly and occasionally invited Gao Nanshun to go home with him for dinner, but he hastily prevaricated with various reasons that were too coincidental.He tentatively chatted with his sister about Gao Nanshun, but got a soft response from her sister.This low-pressure state continued, and as they entered the autumn together, they gradually entered the gradually icy air.

If Park Xingxiu hadn't noticed the slightest abnormality so far, it was absolutely impossible for him to climb from level 7 to nearly level 2 at this time.But apart from being busy with lessons and reviewing progress at school, he could only see Gao Nanshun's calm face pretending to be innocent, opening his mouth several times and brewing it until he hesitated to speak.Presumably this strangeness is due to her sister, Park Heung-soo simply stopped disturbing Gao Nam-sun's emotions, and secretly made up her mind to start with her.

The Pu family siblings once again sat in the living room and talked solemnly, after Pu Xingxiu confessed to his sister that he wanted to talk after dinner.The two sat on the sofa at a [-]-degree angle, and they were silent for a moment at the same time. In the end, it was Park Xingxiu who couldn't hold back and spoke first.

"Sister, to be honest, until now, you still can't completely forgive Nan Shun?"

"..." Pu Zhixiu's eyes fell on the coffee table, as if she was thinking about his words and as if her thoughts wandered away and she didn't hear it at all, but Pu Xingxiu knew that she was so silent because he had caught her mind.

"I can tell. The current situation is not what I expected at all. If my sister really forgave Nan Shun, it would never be the alienation she is now." Park Xingxiu hesitated for a moment, worried that her sister would be angry because of his words. Touching the wounds of the past, he carefully said word by word: "I know sister, you love me because you love me. What happened three years ago really hurt me very badly. I have no less resentment towards Nan Shun than you, but now I understand , because I care, so I am not reconciled, and I hate him even more. But after seeing him now and knowing his life for the past three years, I can't deny how much regret and self-blame he lived after hurting me. Painful life. While hurting me, he hurt even more."

Pu Zhixiu finally raised his eyes and moved his eyes to look at him. There was a trace of complexity in his eyes that he couldn't understand, as if his whole body was tainted with sadness. Because of his sister's sad appearance, he couldn't bear it. Thinking of someone but suppressing the bit by bit of pain in my heart and continuing the words in my mouth.

"Even though the pain does exist, it does not come from a heart that harmed me, but it carries the fear of losing my friend. I can understand him, because I feel the loss of Nan Shun. I also have the same fear." He couldn't help but pause slightly at this point, as if he could foresee the pain of loss, he actually felt a little bit of bitterness in his heart, which made his voice lower, "So now we can reunite with him and continue to be by each other's side. The pain in the past is no longer the most important thing. What is important now, and what I care most about is the happiness we feel together. So, I also hope that my sister will , stop living in the pain of the past, I know it's tiring, why don't you try to forgive, and take comfort in the fact that we're happy again?"

Looking at Park Xingxiu's burning eyes, Pu Zhixiu felt for a moment that the boy in front of him had completely grown into a man, a mature man with his own perception and thinking about life.But it was just this moment, when the image of Gao Nanshun lowering his head and not daring to look at her flashed in her mind, what rekindled in her heart was the complicated and unspeakable melancholy and loss.

Park Xingxiu, his younger brother, after all, did not know what kind of difficult road he was walking.

"I can understand what you said objectively. I also hope that you will regain your spirit and not suffer as much as before. But, for Nashun..." Park Zhixiu said the name, and the bitterness gradually climbed up her throat, attracting her Had to pause, "Nan Shun...it seems difficult for me to forgive him completely for a while."

Seeing Park Heung-soo's momentary loss that was hard to conceal, Park Ji-soo couldn't help but tremble.

"Now, I only hope that you can really regain your sunny life, work hard to get admitted to a university, and start your new life. If the future really gradually walks out of the smooth road... I think I should be able to forget the past. and then truly forgive Nan Shun."

"Really?" Park Xingxiu's heart really stepped on the ground after his sister uttered the last sentence. Hearing her sister's obvious resignation, he couldn't hold back the excitement and joy in his heart, and he grinned without hiding it. With a smile, Park Xingxiu raised his voice and promised loudly: "I promise, I will definitely be admitted to university!"

Pu Zhixiu looked at his bright smile, and slightly bent the corners of his mouth to accompany him to share the joyful and encouraging morale, but in his heart, he was deeply saddened by the complicated psychological and anti-psychological dealings.

Is not it?As a real older sister, for the future and life of her younger brother, she needs to bear a lot of pressure, forcing herself to face this embarrassing fact, forcing herself to work hard to wear down the other party's persistence, forcing herself to conceal the reality behind her , just to ensure that his younger brother is admitted to university safely.

It's not easy to act in front of the closest and only relative.

Before the college entrance examination in the deep winter, during this tense and bleak time, everyone chose to stay still as the best countermeasure.The result is that one person tolerates and indulges the other party's last moments in order to protect his younger brother's smooth future, and one person suppresses and hides all the pain and exhaustion in order to protect his lover's victory in the first battle.

And the person locked in the center by these secrets is living a compact but purposeful and dynamic life full of hope.

Like being wrapped in amber, sleeping peacefully.

Warm, quiet, unaware of wind and rain.