this is love

【If it wasn't because I love you, why would I sigh inadvertently. 】

When Han Yingyou found Gao Nanshun on the rooftop, he was sitting quietly on the edge of the rooftop with his back to the sky and his eyes closed. His posture always gave people the illusion that he was about to fly into the sky in a second.Looking around, there was nothing but silence everywhere.Han Yingyou didn't know why he chose to hide here to enjoy the sunshine, breeze and light loneliness like before. Obviously since Park Xingxiu came, Gao Nanshun's body was full of freshness.

Although he is not smart, but watching everything silently in the corner, he has captured many details that others cannot take care of.

In the past two months, Gao Nanshun was not happy.

Maybe the authorities are delusional, and the closer the distance, the more it will lose the truth, so Park Xingxiu can't see through his loneliness in time.And he really restrained all the ups and downs of emotions and forced himself to become hazy, as if every second might melt into the air.

"What... are you thinking about?" He walked up to Gao Nanshun and stood still. The man should have heard his footsteps but did not move at all, as if he was lost in deep thought and couldn't extricate himself. After hesitating for a moment, he still Choose to whisper softly.

"..." The moment Gao Nanshun opened his eyes, there was actually a blur in front of him, and the sudden light dazzled his eyes so that it was difficult to distinguish.When Han Yingyou's thin figure gradually became clear, he smiled faintly, accompanied by the disappointment in his heart that could be clearly heard. "It's nothing, just close your eyes and rest."

Han Yingyou didn't have the slightest doubt. He has always maintained a state of trust in what Gao Nanshun said. It doesn't mean that he listened to everything he said without thinking at all, but because Gao Nanshun trusted him, so he was willing to say what he didn't want to say. That being said, there is no need for him to force prying and suspicion.

If Gao Nanshun needs him and wants to talk to him, he will listen quietly.

For Han Yingyou, he wanted to be such a friend.

Even with unspeakable disappointment and loneliness, Gao Nanshun could still feel the subtle warmth slightly covering up those feeling of loss when seeing Han Yingyou clearly wanted to care for and accompany him.He stepped down from the edge of the roof, said to Han Yingyou, "Sit over there," and then walked to a low table not far away and sat down.

He clearly knew that the moment he saw Han Yingyou standing in front of him, the disappointment that surged up in his heart came from the disappointment of expectations.

It turned out that he was still looking forward to someone's company after all.

Gao Nanshun thinks that he has never been a willful person, and he never wants to be a willful person.But I didn't expect that when a person's desire becomes greedy, that eagerness becomes the precursor of the gradual transformation of self-willedness.

Before time had time to kill anything, his mania was about to kill himself.

The more anxious, the longer.The more you look forward to, the more disappointed you become.The stronger it is, the more crumbly it is.

The more you love, the more you fear.

Put in too much, and you'll end up with nothing left.

It doesn't feel good to be hollowed out, so he hopes to divert his attention, but in the end he fills his empty chest with all kinds of messy and chaotic thoughts.In the end, it still caused an explosion-like depression, and he was a little tired.

He knew what he was afraid of, and he knew what he was afraid of.

But he couldn't do anything.

"if……"

Gao Nanshun's sudden utterance caused Han Yingyou to turn his head to the right and look away. The man was lying on the table with his arms pillowed on his back and looking at the sky. The appearance of the man was clearly the same as a year ago, but how could he explain the exhaustion that enveloped him? .

"If something makes you exhausted and almost exhausts all your strength, what will you do in the face of such pressure? Grit your teeth and persevere, even if the road ahead is dark, cut it off completely, leaving no future troubles ..."

His question was not answered for a long time, and Gao Nanshun felt slightly relieved in an instant, thinking that Han Yingyou might not be able to understand such evasion and concealment in his words, so after all, he couldn't give a clear answer. In fact, what he longed for , that is, a perfunctory response.

Standing at the crossroads for many days in embarrassment, it is also good to get a guide from a completely outside situation.

"You... very tired? Is there no way to be happy?" Han Yingyou observed his expression secretly, only to find that Gao Nanshun's face became so haggard at some point, and the faint dark circles under his eyes were about to appear clearly. The most prominent and delicate skin has also become a little rough, after all, extreme mental pressure is everywhere.He was suddenly a little worried. In his eyes, Gao Nanshun had never had any real troubles. It seemed that apart from the entanglement with Park Xingxiu before, only indifference and stability remained.Being able to say such depressing words now is somewhat exhausting to the limit.

"Yeah, it would be great if there was a way to be happy... If you drag on like this, it's just lingering..."

The wind in late autumn and early winter brings cool air, and the sky gradually turns milky white. The faint sunlight is not blocked by anything, and it looks empty when it hangs alone in the air.When looking at it two by two, Gao Nanshun seemed to feel the same loneliness as himself.

How to live to be happy?

Turns out I still haven't figured out the answer to this question.

By the end of the evening self-study, it had completely turned into the night. Except for the bright lights in the teaching building, the world outside the window was pitch black, and was dimly illuminated by the street lamps.Gao Nanshun sat in his seat without moving, just like the usual practice every day, he quietly waited for Park Xingxiu to finish all his work, and then embarked on a short journey home with him.

Looking at the dark sky outside the window, he was in a daze for a moment. When he turned around, even Han Yingyou, who moved the slowest, had already left the classroom. Park Xingxiu's desk with books spread out felt a slight sense of solidity.

Gao Nanshun stood up and walked over to help him pack his schoolbag first. Before his fingers touched the cover of the top book, he was attracted by the sudden voice of Park Xingxiu.

"Nan Shun, I'm sorry, I still have questions to ask Teacher Jiang, he said that he will give me extracurricular tutoring, so I can't go back with you today, it will be very late when it is over, I have already called my sister and said It's over..." Park Xingxiu held the exercise booklet that he had brought out earlier in one hand, and held the mobile phone in the other hand, smoothed down his too long bangs, and walked towards him with a helpless smile on his face.

"Do you want to start a small stove?" Gao Nanshun withdrew his outstretched hands and clenched his fists into his pockets, looked at Park Xingxiu without any waves, and accepted his "emergency" calmly.

"Even if it is, it's unbelievable that that guy is willing to do this." Park Xingxiu raised his eyebrows narrowly, bent down and took his schoolbag from the desk, and put all the books and notebooks he needed into it.After throwing the schoolbag on his shoulder, he looked at Gao Nanshun who was still standing aside, and couldn't help but chuckle. "Don't look abandoned, you brat." Pu Xingxiu unexpectedly leaned over and kissed his lips lightly when he raised his hand to pinch the man's cheek.

Gao Nanshun shook his body in surprise, and subconsciously glanced at the corridor outside the window. After he was relieved, he suddenly began to miss the meager temperature at that moment.

The kiss between them seemed to have been separated by a century.

Looking at the mixed sadness in Park Xingxiu's eyes, he ignored it, because he was in a hurry to go to the teacher's office, Park Xingxiu stroked the top of his head and said, "I'll go first, you go home quickly" and ran out classroom.This time he was facing the huge classroom alone. Gao Nanshun stood still for a long time, until the slight movement made his leg bones feel stiff and painful from friction, then he slowly turned around and walked back to his seat. .

After locking the last door lock of the classroom, Gao Nanshun turned his head and stared at the end of the corridor for a long time, but the only response to him was a silent emptiness.The sound of the soles of shoes rubbing against the floor showed one thing, step by step, that he was only one person.

Just one person.

The fact is that he forced himself to understand, and he did understand that the upcoming college entrance examination put a lot of pressure on Park Xingxiu, which required him to devote more time and energy to reviewing, and those complicated procedures and huge content The review steps are not something that Gao Nanshun can get involved in.

Since before, he has always maintained a wait-and-see attitude, hasn't he?It doesn't matter even if you are ignored by Park Xingxiu, it doesn't matter even if you get angry because of his irritability, even if you lack the time for the two of you to be alone, you can accept it, even if the two of you look more and more like one person...

He still couldn't lie to himself.

Those moments of loss and loneliness are real, and the repeated sadness and sadness in my heart at those moments really cut off bloodstains.

It's just that what he hates even more is why he can't avoid these damn hypocrisy.

He obviously supported Park Heung-soo so much.

So longing to see his success filled with emotion.

He remembered the conversation between the two after being called to the library by Teacher Zheng during the lunch break.When talking with him alone, Teacher Zheng seemed to like going to the library very much, but the quiet and uninhabited environment there did win his favor.It's just that the content of today's conversation really couldn't make him relax, it was the reality that he had to face when he was dragged before his eyes.

"Nan Shun, the college entrance examination is just over a month away, and you are about to graduate. I know you don't plan to go to college, but after graduation, what are your plans?"

The facts that Mr. Zheng pointed out added another layer of gravity to his original worries, forcing him to be tongue-tied.It seems that at this moment, apart from the problem with Park Xingxiu, his future is even more difficult.It is imminent and cannot be avoided.

Park Ji Soo's warning words are still in his ears, and the imaginary words about the future are engraved in his heart.Park Xingxiu's future is still unknown, and his is even more difficult to predict.If a person is admitted to university and has the ability to create a future, but drags another person who has no ability, what will be the end of the life tied together like this?No one should choose to guess that it is a bright light.

His disadvantages further highlighted the despair of this lingering relationship.

His life is as ordinary as water, and it is very possible to repeat it day after day.But what about Park Heung-soo?For him, these can be completely denied.If he doesn't succeed, the two will get entangled together and go stale together, and if he succeeds, they may be pulled into the abyss by his reaction force.

No matter how you look at it, there is only one way out.

It's just how he wants to give up, it's like cutting off limbs.

After returning home after part-time work, Gao Nanshun stood at the entrance and looked at the deserted room without moving.It wasn't until the mobile phone in his pocket vibrated that he stepped on his shoes while taking out his mobile phone and walked into the living room. Seeing the word "Dad" displayed on the screen, he froze for a second before sliding Press the answer button.

"Hello? Dad..."

Nearly three hours had passed since I got home, the lights in the house seemed to have not been turned on from the beginning, or maybe they were broken, Gao Nanshun was unable to recall.He sat on the floor of the living room, staring at the already darkened phone screen and spent three silent hours like this.

The moment his father's voice, which he hadn't heard for several days, came, he had a moment of relief, as if he still had a real home after all.As long as Dad comes back from work, the house will still be alive.But what Dad said afterwards knocked all his nostalgia to the ground.

"Nan Shun, Dad has some problems at work and needs some money. Besides, you are about to graduate. It is not convenient for us father and son to live in two places, so I want to sell the house. Then use some money for emergencies, and rent a house with me for the rest of the money, so you can move in and live with me."

He didn't remember what he said later, or maybe he didn't say anything but remained silent. Dad seemed to understand something, and didn't choose to start preparing for this matter immediately, as if he wanted to give him a buffer time, but Certain established facts exist that cannot be changed no matter what.

Is he leaving here?This city where I grew up, this house that I have been with to this day, this space that has a playful and gentle atmosphere with Park Heung-soo.Also, is he leaving Park Heung-soo?

It was as if God had heard his indecision.

The direction that came suddenly this time made him even more panicked.

What is right and what is wrong, he has been unable to distinguish.

It seems that only by going down, taking a step, and seeing the result, can we really know.

When the inexplicable panic surged up, he moved his stiff right hand and grabbed the phone, unlocked the screen lock and found the address book, tapped Park Xingxiu's name and dialed it.The mood of waiting is like accepting Ling Chi, and the anxiety escalates every minute.

The moment Gao Nanshun finally connected, he felt as if he was finally able to breathe. The feeling of being redeemed turned out to be so easy to obtain. He was full of excitement and couldn't wait to call his name: "Xingxiu."

"What's the matter?" Park Xingxiu's voice was a little low, and he didn't know if he was doing something or was unable to speak normally due to some circumstances.Gao Nanshun didn't take that much into consideration, at this moment his heart was filled with missing and needs for him.He needs Park Heung Soo by his side, needs him to hold his hand, needs him to smile and tell him, don't leave me.

"Xingxiu, I miss you, I want to see you." The sour and boiling longing and the anxiety overflowing his lips made his voice tremble involuntarily.

"...Did something happen?" The person on the other end of the phone was silent for a few seconds and asked slightly uneasy, not wanting him to worry too much, Gao Nanshun simply denied his worry and prevaricated, just repeating his thoughts.

"I'm afraid I can't do it today. The amount of review is a bit heavy. I haven't finished it yet. I may have to drive all night. It's so late, should you go to bed?" The next moment the helpless voice of refusal came, Gao Nanshun was like The vocal tract was closed, and all the eagerly awaited soft whispers could no longer be spoken.Holding his mobile phone in his hand, he silently listened to Park Xingxiu's words coaxing him to sleep.

"But I really want to see you now..."

"Don't be self-willed, okay? Tomorrow will be fine..." Before he finished speaking, he was interrupted. No matter how soft Park Xingxiu's voice was, it couldn't help but be mixed with a trace of imperceptible irritability. It was this irritability that was almost impossible to capture. , leaving Gao Nanshun completely speechless.

It turned out that he was still a willful person after all.

"I see, then, hang up."

"Well, go to bed early."

He doesn't understand him.

He began to understand him.

Is it because his skill has progressed to the point where he can't easily see through it; or is it because he has been foolishly standing still and showing everything about himself, but he no longer has time to see through his every move.

"It's okay, review is important, review is more important..." Muttering to himself in this empty room looked more and more pitiful, even he felt pity for himself, gripping the hot phone in his hand, Gao Nanshun suddenly lay down on the floor On the ground, lying quietly in this dark space, alone, as if dead.

At this moment, I just want to rely on your temperature to confirm.

I should stick to it.

After Park Xingxiu hung up the phone, he looked at the message that the call was over on the phone, feeling a little uneasy in his heart, but the next second he comforted himself and restrained himself, looked up at Pu Zhixiu who was sitting by the bed, he calmly said Put down the phone and pick up the pen again.

"Nan Shun's phone number?"

"Ah."

"what's up?"

"It's nothing, just complaining."

"... Oh." Seeing Pu Xingxiu's focus on the book again, Pu Zhixiu was slightly relieved.These days, as the college entrance examination is approaching, she has become more and more anxious. It seems that she is nervous before the exam. Even though she is not the one who is going to the exam room, she is more anxious than the person involved.So only by seeing Park Xingxiu concentrating on reviewing like this, can she feel at ease a little bit.And this younger brother really followed her behavior, allowing her to sit silently and watch him like this.

If the phone call just now was from Gao Nanshun, from his tone, Park Jisu knew that it would never be a random complaint, but seeing how he refused forcefully, she could more or less understand that Park Heungsu wanted to show it in front of her Better, let her feel better about Gao Nanshun.This realization really made her feel dumbfounded.

Because Park Xingxiu is generally stable, she should feel relieved.

And he thought deeply about Gao Nanshun in such details, which really made it difficult for her to calm down the bitterness in her heart.

Where have you come?

Looking at Park Heung-soo's calm side face, Park Ji-soo's soft sigh dissipated into the air without any trace.

Countless secrets are intertwined with everything, and it intensifies until it seems that there are lies everywhere.

Gao Nanshun never mentioned to Park Xingxiu what happened that night, and all unknown variables emerged quietly under the background of life.And he chose to play a simple role on the stage in front of the screen, watching Park Xingxiu step into the invisible battlefield under pressure, accompany him through the last cold days and nights, and then stand at the turning point of his life in an instant, waiting for his fate good news.

In order to take the college entrance examination a few days later, the school suspended classes early for the entire third grade and gave study leave.The students understood that this was the imminent difficulty, and their separation was imminent, and they all had mixed feelings.Before the second class was about to leave school, led by two teachers, they got together specially for a party.Although it is a bit out of date for students who are serious about taking the exam, most of them can still understand the sadness of being separated, and choose to abandon those complicated review projects one after another, and devote themselves to the joy at this moment.

After all the laughter, it was finally time to separate.After saluting to the two teachers, the students left in a bustling crowd. Gao Nanshun packed his schoolbags, and as soon as he raised his head, he saw Park Xingxiu looking in his direction, and raised his chin to signal him to go to find the two teachers together.

After bidding farewell to the two teachers beside Pu Xingxiu, Gao Nanshun walked out of the classroom first, and Pu Xingxiu walked silently beside him.When I got to the stairs, I met Song Xiajing and Li Jiangzhu. The two girls also looked like they were going to leave together. Seeing the two of them coming, Li Jiangzhu was the first to call out "President Gao", and Gao Nanshun subconsciously He responded to them with a chuckle, but after seeing Song Xiajing's subtle but more indifferent expression, he couldn't help but suppress his overly serious smile.

"Come on for the college entrance examination, both of you."

"Well, come on."

Embarking on the no longer familiar road home, Gao Nanshun felt unprecedented sadness at this moment.He knew that such a situation might never be repeated again.Side by side, the two walked out of the school and towards their home.

He wanted to engrave the mottled light and shadow along the way in his heart, deep in his bones.

"Nan Shun."

"Ok?"

"I'm going to sleep at your house today."

Hearing Park Xingxiu's words, Gao Nanshun couldn't react for a moment. He turned his head and looked at the person's calm side face. The next moment, he seemed to be able to understand some emotions in his heart, but it was transmitted to him. Other ingredients that are more bitter and astringent.

"it is good."

The two of them lay side by side on the floor of Gao Nanshun's bedroom again, as if it had been a long time.Such a slightly unfamiliar but familiar feeling made Gao Nanshun a little nervous, and he couldn't help laughing at his hypocrisy in his heart.When he was thinking wildly and couldn't concentrate, he was suddenly embraced by the body that turned around and approached.

[We are on the cusp of the crisis, comrades have worked hard. 】

Who can tell him how to cut off such a feeling of extreme despair and deep desire.

Hollowed out his chest, gouged out his eyes, cut off his limbs, drained his soul.

In the end, the pain was bloody.

It is for you too, my dearest.

For you, I am not even afraid of meager life, let alone death.

So, at this moment, remember my breath.

That will always linger in the breath of your pillow.

Hope you never forget.

I'm begging with my heart.