this is love

[You should always know that our life is full of difficulties, and the only thing that makes us suffer is desire—living is desire, and so is love. 】

Summer is like lightning splitting the sky of the four seasons, and then illuminating the flourishing time of life.But just like no matter how prosperous the season is, there are moments when it quietly exits. When the dripping of summer gradually penetrates into the depths of the surface, the lingering summer heat disappears one by one, and the long-awaited autumn is blatantly bleak.

During the short summer vacation, Gao Nanshun spent part-time work, while Park Xingxiu was undoubtedly engrossed in tutoring. In the blink of an eye, it was the last semester of the third year of high school, which was also the last semester of their entire high school period. .

Facing the pressure of the college entrance examination, Park Xingxiu did not dare to neglect at all. Even though the continuous improvement of his grades earned him a lot of praise and affirmation from his teachers, he also knew that he was chasing from behind after all, and he could not tolerate the slightest slack. Only by laying a solid foundation can we be sure of winning with one move.

The promise he had promised to that person has been boiling in his heart.

When Gao Nanshun finished cleaning the classroom, only Park Xingxiu was left standing by the window waiting for him.Putting the mop in the back of the classroom, Gao Nanshun twisted his stiff waist due to long-term bending, and turned his head to tell Park Xingxiu to pack up and prepare to go home, but he saw the man standing in front of the window staring down at the phone in his hand, slightly wrinkled. There was a strange hesitation on his brow.

"What's the matter?" Gao Nanshun walked over and leaned over to look at his phone screen, but he quickly pressed the lock screen and put it in his pocket, because Park Xingxiu's inexplicable dodge reaction Look into his eyes.

"It's nothing. My sister just asked me to go home tonight. I don't know what's wrong with her..." Park Xingxiu pursed his lips and shrugged helplessly, signaling Gao Nanshun to pack up quickly. of boredom.

"Then, go home today?" Gao Nanshun didn't think about it any more, turned around and packed his schoolbag and asked habitually.

"Well, since we're back, let's sleep at home..." Park Xingxiu looked at his back with his head slightly lowered, and kept clenching his right hand holding the phone in his pocket.

[Going home to sleep tonight, I have something to tell you. ]

The short but powerful text message from my sister was displayed on Park Xingxiu's mobile phone screen. Such serious and speculative words could not help but give him a bad feeling. down.

In fact, there is no reason to refuse at all.

He also understood where his real home was, but because of Gao Nanshun, he put his heart elsewhere.

"I'm back." Park Xingxiu shouted to the back room while changing his slippers, his voice was not too loud and it happened that Park Jisu who was sitting in the living room could hear him.Walking into the living room, putting down the schoolbag and throwing it aside, Park Xingxiu sat directly next to Pu Zhixiu, seeing the faint smile on her mouth, he couldn't help but relax, raised his right hand and put it on the back of the sofa, Park Xingxiu gave it a rare naughty light tug Sister's hair, and she smiled brightly: "Sister, miss me?"

"Yeah, brat. I thought you'd forgotten where your home is." Park Ji-soo looked at his younger brother, who could be called a man even though he had grown into a tall and strong man, but he was faintly childish, and what he said was full of childishness. The meaning of ridicule, but the bitterness and heartache in the bottom of my heart, but only she can understand the helplessness.

"How come? No matter where I am, I will never forget our home." Park Xingxiu deliberately wrinkled his nose and used an exaggerated tone to make his sister laugh, but suddenly remembered the question he had been guessing repeatedly on the way back: " By the way, what do you want to tell me?"

"..." Pu Zhixiu's smiling expression was shot for two seconds, but it was quickly connected without any trace: "I want to tell you, let's go home and live in the future, so I stay at Nanshun's house every day like this." , I’m afraid you won’t be able to find your way back someday.” The hidden meaning in the words is actually self-evident, but now Park Xingxiu, who is more and more satisfied with the days of stability and peace of mind, seems to have subconsciously chosen to ignore that A little strange, he directly blamed her sister's words on her remaining estrangement and resistance to Gao Nanshun.

"Sister, why do you have to worry so much?" Park Xingxiu sat upright and lay down on the backrest behind her disapprovingly, and took off her right hand and patted the back of Park Zhixiu's hand, "Namsun's father has been working in other places, he will definitely be at home alone. Lonely, I can accompany him there, and Nan Shun has always been very concerned about my study, and has always only tried to find ways to make my study more comfortable, and it will not affect me at all. It is hard to imagine? This kid is really serious now. She's become much better."

"..." won't affect you?It should have deeply affected you, to the point where you are almost inseparable from him.Pu Zhixiu lowered his eyes and looked at himself, who was holding the index finger of his left hand slightly, and tried his best to suppress the long-standing annoyance and boredom in his heart, and reiterated word by word: "I still say that, go home and live .Nan Shun is no longer a child, so he may not necessarily be able to live with you. Aren’t you always with each other during the day? You can’t even go home and sleep at night?”

"..." Because of Pu Zhixiu's sharp-edged questioning words that he couldn't suppress, Park Xingxiu was stunned for a while, unable to react. Looking at her tight side face, a trace of doubt flashed in his heart, but he was quickly caught by him again. It was rejected, because the elder sister seemed to have a grudge against Gao Nanshun, and Park Xingxiu couldn't help but feel depressed. "Sister, you still can't forgive Nan Shun, can you?"

"It's not a matter of forgiveness or not! As I said, it's too much to ask you to go home and live here? Is it so difficult to do? Don't forget that your surname is Park, not Gao!" Park Zhixiu said again Unable to suppress the growing anger, his younger brother, just because of such a request to go home and sleep, has to argue with her endlessly, how to let her accept it, he seems to keep that person even if he throws everything away The position around her was ordinary, and such a horrifying presupposition hit her hard.

Are you going to give up your home for him?

In the case of throwing yourself away and ignoring yourself, did you even care about your sister?

"sister……"

"You said, are you going to come back to live? Do you want me to ask Nam Shun to persuade you?" Pu Zhixiu stood up and looked at him, his eyes were seven points sullen and three points crying, as if at this moment As if asking him to make a lifelong decision, Park Xingxiu couldn't help but panic.Hearing her words, he found that he was really speechless, and had to admit that from the perspective of his sister, as a younger brother, it would never be an excessive request for him to go home and sleep every night, it was only because of his own selfishness , His desire not to be separated from Nan Shun every second made this request so difficult to grant.

"I see, I'll come back to sleep."

After all, why is it that on the road where they cling to each other, there will always be branches of contradictions extending outward.Besides each other, they have someone to love.But it is because of love that it makes them difficult.

Because of love, we ask too much.

Because of love, we desire too much.

Park Xingxiu has been a little absent-minded since he came to school today. This is the conclusion Gao Nanshun has observed so far.Seeing him sitting on the seat in a daze between classes, Gao Nanshun couldn't help but feel a little uneasy. Since they separated last night until now, they haven't had time to have a detailed conversation. I don't know if my sister said something, and Park Xingxiu is so absent-minded. The situation is really worrying.

"Xingxiu, Xingxiu?"

"what?"

Park Xingxiu's sudden recovery made Gao Nanshun pause for two seconds when the words spilled out of his mouth, and then he spoke with an obvious sense of probing: "What are you thinking? It seems that you have something on your mind..."

"No, no, what can I have on my mind." Hearing his words, his heart tightened, Park Xingxiu's eyes shook to avoid his gaze, and he quickly adjusted his state and flipped through the books on the table. He pretended to be casual and asked: " What's wrong?"

"No, I just wanted to ask you if you want to buy water..." If he could be easily concealed by his performance, he would not be Gao Nanshun.Having been with Park Xingxiu day and night for so long, he can still see through his lies.But seeing Park Xingxiu's reluctance to speak to him, he no longer chased after him, and when he really wanted to speak, he would naturally know.

"Oh, I'll go with you."

How should I speak.This is a question that Park Xingxiu has been pondering over and over again in his mind since last night, but to no avail.His sister's request can be easily raised to him, but it is difficult for him to tell Gao Nanshun this fact.Of course he understands that every day and night with Gao Nanshun is not only a happy and satisfying thing for himself, but also for Gao Nanshun.

During those days together day and night, they wrapped their hearts towards each other little by little, and then gradually blended into each other's breath in those lonely words and smiles, as if they were stuck together so tightly that they could not be torn apart.

Is it because I was too greedy before that it is difficult to bear the short separation now.

When he thought of Gao Nanshun staying in such a big empty house by himself, preparing some food to fill his stomach at will, and didn't know how to treat himself well, he wished he could take him home and raise him, but when he thought of his sister's words, he knew this Just a delusional thought.

The repeated hesitation and hesitation dragged on until the time to go home from school. Park Heung-soo and Gao Nam-sun walked side by side on the way to Gao Nam-sun’s house. The scene of being speechless all the way reappeared, but this time it was Park Heung-soo who was full of thoughts. .When he was downstairs at Gao Nanshun's house, Pu Xingxiu raised his hand and took Gao Nanshun's arm and gently grabbed him, and the two stopped immediately and faced each other.

"What's the matter?" Perhaps Gao Nanshun had calmed down because he had prepared for what he had not said all this time.

"Nan Shun, I seem to be going home to live in the future. My sister said that it's not good to rely on you all the time..." Park Xingxiu's eyes were locked on Gao Nanshun's face, trying his best to capture even the slightest bit of him. The change in mood was unexpected, the mood of the person in front of him didn't fluctuate much, but after he said this, he lowered his eyes slightly and remained silent for a moment, and when he met his gaze again, it was cool and gentle.

"Ah, brat, I've wanted to say it a long time ago. If you don't go home all day, my sister will definitely be lonely. She has been living with me for so long, and I have long wanted to kick you out." Gao Nanshun He squinted his eyes and pretended to be disgusted, raised his hand and poked Park Xingxiu's forehead with his fingers, then pursed his lips and raised his chin with a smile: "Go back, I just have to go to work soon, so you don't have to guard the empty room alone. "

"..." Gao Nanshun's mood was abnormally relaxed. How could Park Xingxiu fail to see that he was a little bit of a bravado, and when he looked at him, he immediately felt distressed but endured it. The only way to keep that feeling of loss was to try to ignore it. Smiling, Park Xingxiu approached and took Gao Nanshun's back neck into his arms, closed his eyes and whispered in his ear: "Although I don't want to, but I can't help it, do you know how to take care of yourself..."

"Don't treat me like a child, be careful I'll beat you." Gao Nanshun leaned meekly in his arms without dodging or struggling, but the words that were also pressed against his ears were light and light, with an imperceptible sense of emptiness .Park Xingxiu felt sour under his chest, swollen and disturbing, but the embrace that was gently encircled by a pair of arms in the next second seemed to be full, and Gao Nansun's kiss on his ear trembled: "Go back, I promise to let you See me alive and kicking every day."

Their future is still very long.

He soothed himself.

After letting go of the man's hands, he smiled and stroked the man's disheveled hair, then nodded slowly.

After lying alone on the bed and closing my eyes, the silence is like climbing ants, densely packed with carrion, coming from all directions.That weird feeling of emptiness was much more serious than expected. Gao Nanshun turned over and lay on his side facing the wall irritably, but within a moment he was forced to open his tireless eyes by the restlessness in his heart.The white walls are increasingly showing nothingness, and the loneliness is frightening.

It turned out that the gap would be so big.

Two people and one person are so close to each other.

After hearing Park Xingxiu's words, he subconsciously chose the most extreme possibility.It seemed that his sister's eyes that became sharp because of his incomprehension immediately appeared in front of his eyes, and he wanted to run away in a panic, as far away as possible, so as not to be chased again.These fleeting thoughts have to be sealed up, and he can't let him find out.Gao Nanshun knew exactly how to make Park Xingxiu go home with peace of mind. He concealed it very well, at least achieved the desired effect. Even though Park Xingxiu looked at him clearly expressing his reluctance and distress, the man's embrace was full of nostalgia. Too heavy, he also knows the fact is that, just go home and live, it's not a big deal, is it?

no big deal.

Repeatedly comforting his occasional uneasiness in this way, Gao Nanshun began to loathe his own sensitivity and fragility.Didn't they want them to separate completely? After three years of loneliness, they couldn't maintain such a normal distance now?

Closing his eyes again and trying to immerse himself in sleep, Gao Nanshun chuckled at his greed in his heart.It must have been too close before, which made the distance now unbearable.Go to sleep, and when you fall asleep, you won't have those low and depressed emotions to suffer repeatedly.

But he fell into another nightmare.

In that dream, his sister looked at him as if she wanted to tear his body apart, and he felt the pain in his head was as sharp as an explosion. He looked around to find Park Xingxiu, but he saw only a desolate world .The whistling wind slid past his cheeks, and the fine gravel hit his skin hard and painful.The panic in his heart was like an infinitely expanding black hole, almost swallowing him whole from his chest in a swirling shape.

He ran forward helplessly, calling Park Xingxiu's name intermittently in his voice, but he could only feel that he was enveloped by that stern and resentful gaze, almost burning a hole.

【Do you want to destroy him? 】

His sister's voice was crying like blood, and the guilt that had been buried for a long time swept over again. He fled forward in a panic, but was blocked by the face of Wu Zhenghao who suddenly appeared.

[You can do it for yourself.Are we going to die together? 】

That face immediately transformed into Song Xiajing's face, and the penetrating scrutiny in those eyes made it difficult for him to look directly.

[You are good friends like brothers, aren't you? 】

Xingxiu, Xingxiu.Where are you?

Gao Nanshun stumbled across the overgrown grass and lost his way in the darkness.

[Gao Nanshun. 】

who is calling me?

[Gao Nanshun. 】

The moment he turned around, there was a dazzling light flashing quickly, and those blood-red eyes were menacing in a trance, and Gao Nanshun collapsed and sat down on the ground the moment he heard who the voice belonged to.

【Why did you destroy me? 】

"I do not have!"

This shout echoed in the empty and narrow room, and it kept ringing in my ears like an echo. Gao Nanshun barely supported his body on the bed with his arms, and the sweat all over his back and forehead made him feel like he was exhausted. Breathe hard.

The huge sense of panic still lingers in his heart. He feels that the pressure in his chest is about to crush his whole body. The sweat-soaked T-shirt clings to his skin, but soon he is wrapped in air and produces Shiveringly cold.Gao Nanshun raised his tired hands and took the mobile phone on the table. After unlocking the screen lock, he hesitated for a moment while looking at the time of 2:53 displayed on the screen. He couldn't help but open the mailbox, enter a text message and press send.

After watching the time display when the text message was successfully sent, he lay down weakly.This dream consumed almost all of his energy, and he didn't even have the strength to fall asleep again. Gao Nanshun raised his arms to cover his eyes, and couldn't help sobbing.

I didn't... I didn't want to destroy you...

Pu Zhixiu was awakened by the vibrating sound of the mobile phone.When she opened her eyes, she was sober as never before, as if the sleep just now was a fantasy.Habitually fumbled for the phone from under the pillow and pressed the unlock button, but found that there was no message or missed call clearly displayed on the screen.She frowned suspiciously and thought for a moment, then stuffed the phone under the pillow again and closed her eyes, but sat up abruptly after a while.

Turning her head to look at Park Xingxiu's mobile phone on the table not far away, her nerves tensed up.

It was taken out of her pocket after she took Park Xingxiu's school uniform when she was preparing to do the laundry tonight. At that time, in order to arrange the clothes to be washed and put them in the laundry basket, she conveniently put his mobile phone on the table, and then put The laundry basket was carried out from his room.After that, I forgot that the mobile phone was lying there all the time.If the vibrating sound just now was not from her mobile phone, then it must be Park Xingxiu's mobile phone.

The sound of footsteps getting out of bed and walking past was also involuntarily lightened by her. Pu Zhixiu didn't know what kind of mood she was holding at this moment, but what she wanted to do was to prove her guess.Pick up the phone and press the unlock button, and sure enough, a text message symbol is displayed on the screen.Fortunately, she had seen Park Xingxiu's screen lock by accident before, and she was able to unlock it easily at this moment.

With her thumb hovering over the mailbox, she paused for a few seconds before she clicked with hesitation.The first line that came into view was clearly marked with the word "Nam Shun", and Pu Zhixiu couldn't help feeling tense in her heart. After clicking on that message, she froze in place.

[I had a nightmare, I miss you so much. ]

This is definitely not intimacy among friends, not even the best friends.The picture of the two children kissing through the crack of the door appeared again in front of Pu Zhixiu's eyes. A sudden shudder gave her goosebumps, and then a faint sense of fear roared from her heart.She almost wanted to mock the ridiculousness of fate, just playing them like clowns.

Resolutely and without any hesitation, he pressed the delete button, Park Zhixiu returned the phone to the main interface and pressed the screen lock, then tiptoed out of the room and put the phone on the coffee table in the living room.When she turned around and walked back to the room, she looked at Park Xingxiu's closed door, and suddenly felt sad to cry.

Do you want to destroy yourself?

In the second half of the night, Gao Nanshun hardly slept, and Gao Nanshun had a headache because of the dual mental and physical torture.But what made him even more troubled was the reply to the text message that Park Xingxiu hadn't arrived. Before dawn, he comforted himself that it must be because he was asleep and didn't notice it. After dawn, he comforted himself that it must be because he was too busy to come. The school did not check the phone.But now sitting in the classroom, the morning class is almost halfway through, and he can no longer find a reason to explain why Park Xingxiu didn't reply or mention it to him.

Maybe it was because of that dream that he became extremely sensitive, and he was extremely obsessed with this text message.

"Xingxiu, did you sleep well yesterday?" During the lunch break, he asked tentatively. Seeing Park Xingxiu eating seriously with his head down, Gao Nanshun couldn't help feeling a little disappointed.

"Huh? Very good, what's the matter?" Park Xingxiu raised his eyes and looked at Gao Nanshun who was opposite him. The doubts in his tone were clear at a glance, but he seemed to remember something in an instant. He smiled and lowered his voice and moved closer: "I Got it, I'm not here so you didn't sleep well, did you?"

"..." Because Gao Nanshun was helplessly at a loss for words, he hesitated for a moment and carefully pretended to ask him casually: "Didn't you receive my text message?"

"What message?" Park Xingxiu immediately took out the phone from his pocket and slid open the screen lock to confirm, but looked at him strangely after finding nothing.

"Oh, maybe there is a problem with the communication. It's nothing. I just want to ask you if you need to bring you a book that left me today." Gao Nanshun lowered his head and stirred the seaweed soup with a spoon, and his tone of voice changed. Get low.

"I brought all the books I need to use in class today. They shouldn't be urgently needed."

"Um……"

He didn't receive it.Is there something wrong in the middle?His mobile phone clearly showed that the sending was successful, but there was no trace of him there.Is it a problem with the communication signal or...

A certain possibility that jumped into his mind instantly made Gao Nanshun's nerves tense up instantly.Impossible, impossible.He couldn't help but suppress that thought in his heart, but he still couldn't resist the burning panic in his heart. Gao Nanshun quickly scooped up a large spoonful of rice and stuffed it into his mouth, trying to suppress all the anxiety.

After spending the whole day in a trance like this, until he was on his way home, Gao Nanshun tried his best to cheer up and try to maintain a normal state in front of Park Xingxiu. With the idea of ​​separation, Gao Nanshun understood that he still wanted to accompany him to the house before returning home, so he stopped first.

"Xingxiu, you go home directly."

"It's okay, I'll walk back with you and then..."

"No, you go home." Park Xingxiu was interrupted by him before he finished speaking. Seeing the expression on his face surprised by the slight impatience in his own words, Gao Nanshun shut his mouth and endured his emotions for a while, ensuring the tone of his voice. Only then did Wen Wen speak again: "I'm not a girl, so I still have to accompany you for such a long journey? If you insist on being so persistent, I'll send you home and then go home."

"...Okay." Thinking that Gao Nanshun doesn't like being protected by others as a weak person, Park Xingxiu nodded helplessly. In fact, he wanted to be alone with him for a while, but seeing Gao Nanshun's irritability that he couldn't completely hide, he was still sensible no longer persist. "Then I'm leaving, see you tomorrow."

"Well, see you tomorrow."

After standing there for a long time watching Park Heung-soo's walking away, Gao Nam-sun raised his feet again and started walking home.The traffic on the street was bustling and bustling. After entering the residential area within a moment, the streets became narrow. Walking along the all-too-familiar road, Gao Nanshun looked down at the shadow under his feet, filled with loneliness. The restlessness and irritability before made him feel depressed and unable to breathe.

He didn't want to get angry with Park Xingxiu, not at all.He didn't want him to bear even a little bit of impatience.But the pressure at this moment made him irritable and irritable, and the feeling of depression almost made him even want to avoid Park Xingxiu, and just walked into a quiet space where only himself existed to calm down.

But once this happened, he would have to face the loneliness permeated by everything around him, and he was at a loss for what to do in such a dilemma.

How did you get to this point?

When he stopped, he raised his head and saw the person who had been waiting not far away.Only now did he realize that the previous suffering was not called suffering, and panic was not called panic.When those gloomy premonitions come true in disguise, they will be truly muddled.

Park Zhixiu didn't say any more greetings, but just said lightly: "I want to talk to you."

However, as a human being, evasion is an inertial tendency, but it is also a self-destructive defense.

Know that when life really lets go of you, it won't let you escape.

It's just that sometimes, he relies too much on the momentary fluke.

In the end, I realized that I was like the miserable camel carrying the straw, being crushed by the last straw by the excessive desire.