this is love

After crying like that, it seemed as if all the barriers between the two had been eliminated, and my heart gradually calmed down from the anxious state, as if I should feel relaxed, but there was a faint melancholy that could not erase the remaining pain.

Park Heung-su walked up the slope with slow steps, and Gao Nam-soon followed him persistently enduring the pain on his body.After nightfall, the temperature plummeted, almost freezing people up. The street lamp not far away from the street corner gently enveloped him from behind. Gao Nanshun watched the shadows of the two people being stretched very long one after the other. Finally, he stopped and walked out. He stopped the person in front of him.

"Hey."

Park Xingxiu slowly stopped when he heard his voice.Looking at Park Xingxiu with his back turned to him, Gao Nanshun said word by word what he had been brewing in his heart for a long time: "I have visited you many times, and I heard that you have also moved. Thinking that maybe you will show up again, I have been at school many times. I’ve been around and stayed in a comic shop.” After escaping, he didn’t just face the reality of saying goodbye to Park Xingxiu decisively, how many times he longed for the possibility of meeting him again, how many times he wandered in any place where he might meet him , as if he had left his heart in an unknown corner, he kept searching, but the result was disappointment again and again.

"I know." Park Xingxiu said suddenly, and turned to look at him: "I heard the rumor later."

For some things, if you can’t get the result, forget it. Many things can’t be touched only by stubbornness.The entanglement between him and Gao Nanshun that has become scarred, let it pass like this.They have spent so long on those hurts and being hurt, and what they got in the end is common fatigue and pain.If no one is the first to let go, forget and start over, they will never move forward.

And Gao Nanshun, the stubborn Gao Nanshun, Gao Nanshun who has always held a guilty heart towards him, he doesn't like it, not at all.What he wanted to see was never him like this.

In this way, they seem to have no choice but to be indifferent.

"Gao Nanshun," Park Xingxiu lowered his eyes and pondered for a moment, before he had the courage to raise his eyes again to look at the guy with scars on his face: "Let's just forget about that incident here... let's go our separate ways afterwards."

"..." The urge to cry surged up again, but more swiftly came another overturned soreness, which filled the heart so much that it ached faintly.Gao Nam-soon lowered his eyes with trembling eyelashes, because he was speechless when Park Heung-soo pulled the distance away again.

"It's over anyway. It was irreparable a long time ago. You and I became friends again." Looking at his eyes and saying these words that even felt stabbed, Park Xingxiu felt the pain in his heart like masochistic. The stinging pain came, forcing myself to speak more simply and decisively. "Every time you see me, you will feel sorry. I will feel uncomfortable seeing you like this, so I don't like it." The ending sound dissipated in the air with the breath of the exit. Turn around and walk home.

From the beginning to the end, he was completely unable to say a word to refute or persuade him to stay. Gao Nanshun sighed in frustration and stood there for a long time unable to move.What should he say?After bringing such a life-destroying disaster to Park Xingxiu, even he hated himself, and he still carried the irreparable sin on his back, and it was impossible for him to perish with the passage of time. He would always be the one who hurt him.Now facing his "dislike", what right does he have to force him to accept himself again.

Even if they care about each other so much.

But had to face alienation.Because only in this way can we breathe, and we will not be cornered.

Such a sad and cruel reality.

On the second day of insomnia because of thinking about Park Xingxiu last night, Gao Nanshun lay on the table to catch up on sleep during the break. He looked up at the person in front of him.After discovering that it was Song Xiajing with a serious face, he felt curious. Gao Nanshun sat up straight and looked up at her, only to notice the unusual emotion on the girl's face.

"Do you know how to sleep?"

"what happened?"

"The teacher asked you to collect the notes for the wrong questions." Looking at Gao Nanshun's blank expression on his face, Song Xiajing only felt that the suppressed emotions that had been burning since the morning grew even more crazily.Tired, everything made her very irritable.Be it Li Jiangzhu or Gao Nanshun, they both made her feel irritable.

Hearing her words, Gao Nanshun obediently stood up and planned to collect the wrong notes, but was stunned by the words thrown at him by the other party who suddenly raised the volume. "Don't you feel sorry for me?" The students around fell silent at the same time, and the two of them seemed to be the focus of everyone's attention.

Looking around at the students who came over, even if Gao Nanshun didn't understand what she was referring to, she decided to apologize first, but after saying "I'm sorry", Song Xiajing's gaze was even sharper: "Say sorry Is it over?"

"Um……"

"Do you know how long you haven't been to school seriously?"

"For a long time."

"Know me when you're not around..."

"I know you've worked hard." After Song Xiajing couldn't hide her emotional words, Gao Nanshun basically understood what she was angry about. He did not perform his duties as the president due to many things recently, so let him Song Xiajing shouldered a lot of burdens, but the most important things to him forced him to ignore the others. "Aren't I going to collect the wrong notes?"

"..." Staring at the guy in front of him with piercing eyes, Song Xiajing realized that she couldn't help venting on him when she encountered annoyance, she was so stupid.But for some reason, when the irritability in her heart had nowhere to vent, she subconsciously chose to come to him, but now seeing Gao Nanshun's reaction without paying attention, she just felt like a fool.

She never knew what kind of things or what kind of people he cared about.These days there is only one vacant seat and a lot of class business left for her, and nothing else.All this made her anxious.The existence of Gao Nanshun began to become more and more complicated for her.

Looking at the back of Song Xiajing walking away in anger, Gao Nanshun scratched his temple helplessly, but inadvertently met Park Xingxiu's sideways gaze.Looking at Park Xingxiu with the same confused eyes, Gao Nanshun felt more and more that something seemed to be complicated.And his perception of these things seems to have always been insensitive.

From the time those two people started talking, Park Xingxiu gathered his loose mind and secretly paid attention to their interaction.Even he couldn't explain why whenever he saw Song Xiajing, something strange would stand up in his heart, making him inexplicably tense, especially when Song Xiajing came into contact with Gao Nanshun, that feeling would be even more intense. Thick, almost to the point of distracting him.

After listening to the entire conversation between the two, Park Xingxiu finally couldn't help raising his head to look at Gao Nanshun. The man's confused and innocent expression, coupled with Song Xiajing's reaction just now, made him laugh ironically with the corners of his mouth raised. He felt as if the answer to a question he had been searching for a long time had almost surfaced.

After spending so many years in the world of two people, he almost forgot that Gao Nanshun was also liked by girls.It's just that before, he was still immersed in the overly sad friendship and couldn't extricate himself, so he didn't have any longing for love.Now that the two of them should have officially ended all their entanglements, will Gao Nanshun gradually fade away the pain caused by the past friendship and start to cultivate his own hope of love?

The pinprick feeling in his heart instantly made him irritated, and the smile on the corner of Park Xingxiu's mouth gradually disappeared. When he thought about what was going on with that inexplicable anxious feeling, the confusion he had never had before became now. It was getting bigger and bigger, as if he had been avoiding something, but now he was chased by that thing, and he was almost unable to avoid it.

Gao Nanshun walked to the door of the office with the wrong notes in his hands. Just as he was about to step in, he heard his and Park Xingxiu's names being mentioned. When he clearly understood the meaning of what Teacher Yan said, he felt instantly hit by reality. Stiff, can only stare at the three teachers and cannot move.

why?

At that moment, I just cried out this question in my heart.Why, why is it so difficult to be with him.

Everything was like a punishment, even the reunion with Park Xingxiu was like a punishment, it made him hopeless and then returned to despair.

With such a fate, he was defeated, completely defeated.

Staring at the ground and listening to Mr. Zheng explaining the whole story to him, Gao Nanshun only kept circling the words "we will be separated from Xingxiu" in his heart. When he was finally able to speak, he had to face the reality : "Let's go, I'll transfer schools. But please don't tell Xingxiu."

In the end, all he could do for him was leave him again.

Standing on the roof and looking at the panoramic view of the school, Gao Nanshun closed his eyes and slowly felt everything at this moment. The sense of regret that he was about to say goodbye after all could not conceal the anxiety in his heart. He chose to leave, no, he was forced to leave at all. easy job.It took almost all of his strength to suppress the feeling of reluctance.But he has no choice, for Park Xingxiu, he has no choice.

In any case, we'll all be breathing under the same sky.

You want to find your own life, Xingxiu.sure.

Park Xingxiu took the plate and walked to the unoccupied table and sat down. Looking at the rich dishes on the plate, he didn't have much appetite.Whose fault is it that this loneliness is lingering now? Why is it that I, who have been used to being alone all these years, suddenly can't adapt to being alone.While he was thinking wildly, a figure swayed to the opposite seat and sat down.Looking up and seeing Gao Nanshun looking at him with a smile, he immediately put away his weakened emotions and regained his strength: "What are you doing?"

"It's a coincidence, just take it as if I happen to be sitting across from you."

Because of the inexplicable words, Park Xingxiu was irritated and didn't want to pay attention to the person facing him, so he simply stood up with the plate and wanted to find another seat, but he stopped him again: "Xingxiu, just eat like this, just this time." Looking at Gao Nanshun with his head down again, because of the begging meaning in those words, he found that he could no longer move his feet, and his heart that wanted to stay away was immediately shaken. Seeing Gao Nanshun taking the lead in picking up chopsticks and eating silently, in the end he still Slowly sat back in place.

Picking up the spoon and fiddling with the food on the plate, he hardly ate it. All his attention seemed to be shifted to the person opposite. It was the first time in a long time that two people ate face to face like this. He had mixed feelings, but what he cared more about was the inexplicable sadness emanating from Gao Nanshun.

He didn't seem to care about how much food he stuffed into his mouth at all, and he didn't think about whether he could swallow it or not, so he kept holding the food and sending it to his mouth like that. Park Xingxiu looked at Gao Nanshun with an obvious negative emotion, Gradually slowed down the movements of his hands, just looked up at him, trying to observe something from his movements and expressions.

He would never have imagined that Gao Nanshun was sitting across from him with the mentality of parting from him. The emotion that was about to burst out made him at a loss, and the urge to cry kept making his jaw tremble, so he could only keep eating. Something to block the pain of hating others that is about to vent.He didn't dare to raise his eyes to look at the person opposite, for fear that he would find something when he saw his already flushed eyes.But the choking in his throat made him almost unable to swallow any more food, and he wished he could just cry like this, no matter what, just cry like this, or cry hard once in front of him.Because of this damn separation, he was almost overwhelmed.

But he can't.

A faint sense of uneasiness slowly crept up from the bottom of his heart, and Park Xingxiu could smell the unusual smell in the air sensitively. If there was anything out of his control, he would face derailment.But he searched for a long time and still found nothing.Gao Nanshun's reaction made him anxious, but he couldn't grasp it and couldn't ask easily.I can only silently look at the opposite person from time to time, giving myself a chance to have a good meal with him.

It will be all right.

Though I know that all the uneasy premonitions about you have never deceived me.

It wasn't until Teacher Jiang called him out of the classroom again that Gao Nanshun and Pu Xingxiu remembered the existence of the answer sheet, and the two of them tacitly forgot about it.But I didn’t expect Mr. Jiang’s punishment for wrongly written questions to be calculated by copying. If the handwriting is broken, there is no way to finish the copying quickly. Gao Nanshun and Park Xingxiu, who almost rarely use pens, are facing the copying of a thick stack of paper. The task is at a loss.Seeing the depressed faces of the two, Mr. Jiang couldn't help laughing, and moved out the strategy he had prepared: "Tell you an alternative."

Standing in the gymnasium again, Gao Nanshun and Park Xingxiu looked at Teacher Jiang's idea of ​​using shooting instead of copying.By the time more than half of the copying tasks were offset, the two of them were already exhausted.

Regardless of the basketball that rolled to the side, Gao Nanshun walked up to Park Xingxiu and lay down on the floor like him, panting hard to calm his violent heartbeat.His whole body felt hot after the strenuous exercise, he closed his eyes and breathed, the tiredness almost made him not want to get up again.But as soon as Teacher Jiang's footsteps and questioning approached, he had to sit up again with his upper body propped up.

"Oh, you study so hard. Huh?" Facing the two people slumped on the ground, Jiang Shican looked at Park Xingxiu for a moment, but decided to say: "But, Park Xingxiu, what will you do if Gao Nam-sun transfers to another school?" ?”

Hearing Mr. Jiang's words, Gao Nanshun, who had been looking left and right in boredom, immediately raised his head to look at him in amazement. He clearly said that he would help keep Park Xingxiu a secret, but now he said it in one sentence, and instantly felt the sharp gaze from the left. Gao Nanshun could only lower his head to avoid it, and he didn't have the courage to meet the intensely oppressive gaze of that person.

"There are still about 50 left. It seems that you have to write it yourself."

Staring at Gao Nanshun's side face in disbelief, Park Xingxiu felt as if he had been betrayed again in an instant, and the three words "impossible" were left in his brain constantly hitting his nerves.Gao Nanshun's flat and non-refuting expression seemed to have completely shattered the negation in his subconscious, telling him a fact clearly.

The fact that Gao Nanshun wanted to run away from him again.

Turning his eyes away to the floor in the distance, Park Xingxiu shook his eyes, his whole body was paralyzed as if unable to move, and his heart was full of panic. This sudden reality made him at a loss, and he was completely unprepared to face such a fact. nothing.You can only act like a fool, who can't even maintain a calm expression after being hit.

"Leave the finishing touches to me."

The gymnasium where there were only two people left was very empty, but it was also very small, so small that Gao Nanshun wanted to hide himself but had nowhere to hide.For the questioning of Park Xingxiu that he may face, he is completely unprepared and has no resistance to deal with it.These are not what he wants to face, he hopes that he can quietly leave him, instead of walking away slowly facing his intense gaze like this.That would eat away at his last remaining strength to go on.

Anxiously observing the reaction of the person around him from the corner of his eye, he saw that person remained motionless as if nailed to the spot.Gao Nanshun closed his eyes weakly, and could almost hear the sad sigh in his heart.

I don't want to leave you either.

do you know?

After putting away the basketball, the two still silently picked up their schoolbags.Carrying the schoolbag on his shoulder but unable to move away, Park Xingxiu just stood there, and after a few seconds, he still couldn't help turning around and staring closely at Gao Nam-sun who was arranging the schoolbag.The suppressed emotions in my heart are about to seep out.

"Transfer? You really figured out everything," Gao Nanshun who turned his head to meet his gaze for the first time because he spoke, but avoided his direct gaze as if he was afraid of something. Park Xingxiu couldn't help but feel crazy in his heart The sharp and resentful sour emotions gushed out, and he sneered and deliberately said harsh words: "If you leave, I will feel much more comfortable in class."

Why?why treat me like this?

"Are you happy?"

Are you that happy to leave me?So want to run away from me?I said we have to go our separate ways, so can you leave me at ease?

Unable to maintain the pretended disdainful smile anymore, Park Xingxiu's expression sank, his eyes turned red uncontrollably, and he looked at the guy in front of him who broke him with anger and heartache.The questions that were about to explode in his heart almost drove him crazy, but he couldn't ask any of them, as if he could spit them out smoothly, only those ironic ridicules.

"No." If you can't hide, you might as well not hide. Gao Nanshun turned his head to meet his gaze, and said directly what he felt in his heart: "It's annoying to death."

You are not me, you will not know how tired, troubled and painful I am now.So stop pushing me, stop pushing me.

When Li Jiangzhu forcibly dragged him to eat hot dogs, Gao Nanshun managed to maintain a normal mental state, and only after he separated from the girl at the intersection did he let go of his tense nerves. strength to walk slowly.Walking on the way home, seeing his own shadow reflected alone under the street lamp, at this moment, he missed that person, the person he was about to leave.

It hurts, it hurts.

I can't bear it, really can't bear it.

The moment he closed his eyes in pain, someone grabbed his wrist fiercely and pulled it away.Gao Nanshun opened his eyes in panic, and met the man's fierce eyes.

"you……"

"What tricks are you going to play again? Don't use me as an excuse again." Park Xingxiu's expression was unprecedentedly cruel. He had never seen him like this before, and he was almost frightened and speechless.It wasn't until the more obvious pain came from the wrist that Gao Nanshun came back to meet his gaze.

"nothing dealing with you."

"So? Are you going to run away again?" Seeing Gao Nanshun's indifferent expression, Park Xingxiu almost wanted to crush the wrist he was holding, and then ruthlessly broke his calm expression, "Oh, you still Really good at escaping."

"...Yeah, I want to run away." So many misunderstandings and incomprehensions piled up that he lost even the desire to explain. He just wanted to get rid of him as soon as possible so as to relax his nerves that were about to break.Such persecution by Park Xingxiu made him suffer even more. It is not his strong point to pretend to be chic in front of the most reluctant people.

"..."

"Let go." Twisted his wrist and wanted to break free from his hand, but he was held tighter and couldn't move, and the pain continued to intensify. Gao Nanshun lowered his eyelids and trembled his eyelashes, and whispered words as light as cicada's wings.

"why?"

"..."

"What's the reason again this time?" Park Xingxiu's voice was so hoarse, Gao Nanshun's heart tightened because of his trembling voice, and his heart ached because of his loss, but he couldn't say anything, Gao Nanshun gritted his teeth and controlled Feeling unbalanced, the nails of his left hand dug hard into his palm.

"...In short, it has nothing to do with you. Didn't it mean that I will feel more comfortable in class after I leave? That's it, I will go..." Gao Nanshun kept his eyes fixed on Pu Xingxiu's chest, not daring to look into his eyes. On the neatly buttoned buttons on the front, he forced himself to say something against his will as calmly as possible.Squeezing out every word is like blowing out the oxygen in the chest cavity, and the increasingly intense suffocation paralyzes the heart.

"Come on! Do you think I'll believe you? Don't lie, just tell the truth! I didn't drive you away before, but now suddenly, do you think I'm a fool?!" The long-suppressed anger mixed with sadness broke down his last line of defense , Park Xingxiu can no longer control his calmness.

After coming out of the gymnasium, he lost control of his body and followed Gao Nanshun, watching him and Li Jiangzhu go to eat hot dogs, standing outside the store like a fool, staring at him straightly, even if he was bumped by Song Xiajing who walked out of the store, he didn't care to hide it I just stared at him stubbornly, until I saw him and Li Jiangzhu separated, walking on the way home alone, the feeling of fullness in my heart continued to grow every second, and finally broke through the limit, catching up with the hard-working Grab his wrist and force him to face himself.At that moment, thousands of emotions rushed into his heart, and he couldn't tell which emotion dominated him.He only knew that this person in front of him really made him hate, hate.

Why do you torture me like this?

"..." As if hearing the sound of the tense nerve breaking, Gao Nanshun took a deep breath, raised his head suddenly and stared at Park Xingxiu who had been staring at him closely, his eyes were red as if he was about to bleed , tears fell from the corners of my eyes at the same time, "Yeah! I'm lying! I can't stay by your side anymore because I hurt you! I'm so guilty because I hurt you! Because the perpetrator has no right to stay by the victim's side! I don't want to Leaving but having to leave is annoying to death!"

"..."

"Okay? Brat. Don't push me anymore."

"..." Park Xingxiu looked at him as if he had lost consciousness, and held his wrist without making a sound or force, but looked straight into the depths of his eyes, and his eyes flickered in the dim light. Under the light, it is as bright as stars.Gao Nanshun slowly broke free from his shackles, closed his eyes and sighed deeply, another tear rolled down from the corner of his eyes, and fell straight onto his shoe.Seeing the dizzy point, Gao Nanshun turned around mechanically, and walked away slowly with his slumped body.

After stumbling around a corner, Gao Nanshun seemed to have lost all the strength in his body. Gao Nanshun leaned against the wall as if collapsed, and kept hitting the wall with his fists. dead", finally squatted down on the ground slowly and limply, covered his face but couldn't stop the cry of "woo woo", just broke down and cried bitterly.

Not far away, Park Xingxiu still maintained the same posture and stood alone under the street lamp, as if standing still with time, the whole person stood in the cold night wind and isolated all perception.Everything stayed at the moment when Gao Nanshun turned to leave, and the whole world was so lonely that he was the only one left.

We are so close, yet so far away.

It's just that you never know when my heart starts to burst into tears.

do you know?You are like a dagger.