Peek into the Heart [Unlimited]

"Hi everyone, my name is Jiang Tayun."

I used to introduce myself like this until I was in junior high school.Until the year I graduated from elementary school, my parents completely parted ways, and I was changed to my mother's surname.For a long period of time after that, in the name column, my surname was always altered, and I couldn't write it right every time.

It is difficult for me to describe what kind of person my father is. I can peek into the secrets of most people with a computer, but for me, he will always be a fog that I can't see clearly or even touch.My mother loves and hates him, I don't love or hate him, I just want him to look at me.

In the second grade of elementary school, I went to play at a classmate's house for the first time, and it was only then that I realized that not all families are like ours.His parents seemed to respect each other and loved him very much. They also showed infinite care and consideration for me, a foreign guest, which made me feel flattered and even a little bit resistant and afraid.

His father played racing cards with us in the yard, bending over and chasing us with small steps, and those who won would be rewarded by him—he would be lifted into the sky by him.I was lucky enough to be lifted once. His father shouted "take off" and then lifted me above his head. I looked down at his loving eyes and almost called "uncle" as "daddy" in a trance.

But if I really had to choose, maybe I would still choose my father.Although he always ignores me, doesn't pick me up when I fall, doesn't help me wipe my tears when I cry, and doesn't even look at me—he always loves to look at the sky, so that As for when I think of him, the image that I remember the most is that he stands in front of the window with his hands behind his back, and the smoke curls up from his mouth, blurring his figure.

I have to admit, he is a very attractive man.Those deep eyes have bewitched countless young girls, including my mother.I know my mother loves him very much, and the affection in her eyes cannot be hidden, but I don't like her gesture of carefully currying favor with my father, which makes her look humble and pitiful.

My father never ate, drank, prostituted or gambled, and had no bad tendencies such as domestic violence. Smoking was his only bad habit, but it was not frequent. A pack of cigarettes could be left on the coffee table for a month.It sounds like he is a rare good man, but he always looked at my mother with fatigue in his eyes, and when he looked at me—oh, he didn’t see me in his eyes.

I started to envy other classmates.Even if their father had a big belly, gritted his yellow and black teeth, and was full of alcohol, he was always cursing, and sometimes he liked to beat people.But they love their children, and while they said, "I know how to spend money", they still bought car toys. It's for your own good."

It's a pity that these classmates don't seem to understand this kind of love. They always complain about their father dissatisfied, and roll up their sleeves to show the welt marks left by the belt.But in my eyes, the red welts are like ostentatious ribbons, each one filled with bloody love.

One night in the fifth grade, I drank too much soda, woke up in the middle of the night suffocated by urine, and went to the bathroom in the dark.On the way back, I heard faint quarrels coming from my parents' room. I stood there silently for a long time, looking at the crescent moon outside the window in fear, not knowing which direction to go.

The night wind was blowing, and I wanted to escape back to my room in my thin pajamas.But just halfway through, I suddenly heard my name, which came from my father, like an oracle, and I walked to the door of my parents' room without knowing it, with my ears pressed against the wooden door, and I listened breathlessly.

"I've had enough."

"Don't think you can tie me up with a child."

"I have done my best, but Song Rui, do you know that there are some things that cannot be forced."

"Don't threaten me with Jiang Tayun, I should have forced you to kill him in the first place."

"Call me, I don't love you, let alone that child."

……

It was very strange, it was clearly a quarrel between two people that day, but I only heard my father's voice in my ears.Even when they were arguing, his voice sounded very calm, he was always so calm.

Since then, every time I pass by my parents' room, I can't help but stick my ears to it.I listened to my father's voice almost hungrily, listening to him say something that seemed a little too much in a calm and methodical way.

My mother was crying hysterically and screaming at the top of my throat, but I couldn't hear anything, and it was only when my ears left the door and my father's voice disappeared that the cries finally reached my ears - and I reached out Cover your ears.

On the day Xiaoshengchu exams ended, my parents finally told me that they were divorced.I also have a new name, which sounds so awkward, like calling a stranger.Later, when I thought about it, my expression should not have been so calm, as if I had guessed it a long time ago.

My father squatted down in front of me for the first time, and I finally saw my own reflection in his eyes.He opened his mouth, as if he wanted to say a lot, I waited expectantly, but in the end he just patted my shoulder lightly, telling me to be filial to my mother, and left without looking back.

I looked back at my mother, the woman who was much older than her peers, with a dull and empty expression, and suddenly realized that this was the first time I looked at her seriously.

I think I will be filial to my mother, and I will work hard to make money to buy her a house and a car so that she can live a better life, but I can't seem to love her.

I sometimes think that parents are actually like a pair of dictators.A child cannot choose whether to come into this world or not. He doesn't know whether he was born for love, to carry on the family line, or to provide for the elderly, or to be a bargaining chip to blackmail others.

I was the bargaining chip for failure, and I think my mother must have regretted it too. I couldn't go back into her stomach and became a puddle of meat in the medical trash can.

It’s not easy for a single woman without a career to bring a child. I try to be as sensible as possible. I don’t make any noise. I go to and from school alone, and I cook and wash for myself.But I understand that I can't help her share many things.If possible, I don't want to be a burden to her. I hope she can laugh and love happily instead of exhausting all my energy here.

But I don't know what she wants. She doesn't seem to have much desire for money, and she never thought of getting any affectionate response from me. She just lives every day mechanically.I think the real her died on the day my father left, and from then on, she just continued her life as my mother.

I hate that this world has imposed too many moral shackles on mothers. While praising her vigorously, it is also setting standards and requirements for her layer by layer.And I hated myself even more for being like a vampire, enjoying the care that my mother had to give me under the exorbitant moral standards.

From then on, in the days when I didn't hear my father's voice, I began to pay attention to other voices that I didn't want others to hear.Some of these sounds come from vocal cords, some from paper, and some from the Internet.

The Internet is the most handy item for me. It is rational and regular enough, and I don’t need to guess or feel. I just need to enter the predetermined code and I can get the expected response.I like this sanity, like my father.

And then... and then I kind of went crazy.It was in the moment of my recovery that I realized that I was not normal.I always thought that it was my mother who was crazy, I thought she was finally driven crazy under the pressure of life, but she didn't, there was still no emotion in her eyes, a person without emotion naturally couldn't talk Crazy or not.

But I think, I have to thank QFZL for her.Thanks to QFZL for sending me here, let me know what it's like to love someone for the first time after more than 20 years before I became a person with no feelings like her.

As I said, even if I want my father to look at me so much, I still don't love him.But I think that the person who always wears a plain white coat and looks at me with contradictory disgust and tolerance seems to make me fall in love.

I like that I can always see my reflection in his eyes, I like that he still hugs me after reprimanding me for being unreasonable, I like that he tells me to cherish my life angrily, I like that he is obscene in pretending to be calm The true feelings shown, I like him kissing me, hugging me, and even crying on my shoulder, and I also like him strangling my neck, as if he will die with me the next second he strangles me.

All the love I have accumulated for more than 20 years has finally poured into him irretrievably at this moment, like a beast that has finally returned to nature, without even thinking about whether he wants it or not.I want to apologize to him, but I will not repent.

I think he also loves me, he seems to be a person who can't tell a lie, even if he really lied, I beg him to do a good job and lie to me like this for the rest of my life.In the future, I want to watch the rising and setting of the morning and the setting of the evening, the long stream of water, and do all the trivial and ordinary things with him. I want to see the hoarfrost climbing his temples and the ravines covering his face. Before he closes his eyes, I will lightly Lightly say "I love you" in his ear, and then go to the next reincarnation with him.

But I will not be afraid, I know that this time when I fall, when I cry, someone will pick me up and wipe away my tears.He will watch me seriously, as long as I look into his eyes, I will have nothing to fear.