lose

April 2010

Tong Yanxing

It has been five months since Zhanning passed away!I don't know how to spend these five months.Day after day, like a walking dead...

I went out for a walk this morning and saw a little boy sitting on a park bench reading a book, very quiet and serious.Then I remembered the first time I met Zhanning.

That day, I originally planned to go to the hospital to collect material and take a group of photos about the work of doctors and nurses.

When I finished shooting and was about to go home, I accidentally found Zhan Ning on a bench in the garden.

At that moment, I was intoxicated.

What first attracted me was not Zhanning's appearance or anything else.When I saw him, he looked up at the sky, smiling very quietly, but there was a teardrop hanging from the corner of his eye.

At that time, I thought this scene was very beautiful, because of my professional habits, I immediately took this picture...

Then, when Zhanning turned around, I saw his appearance clearly, he was very handsome and well-behaved, the tears in the corners of his eyes had not been wiped away, so I walked up and introduced myself to him.

I could feel his coldness during our conversation, but I didn't mind it, I really wanted to talk to him and open up to him, even if he thought it was annoying.

In just half an hour of our chat, he replied me with three sentences, but fortunately, I knew his name - Xiao Zhanning.

In the end, a nurse came and called him away. He seemed indifferent to the "examination" that the nurse said.The moment he left, I took his hand and asked if we could meet again?

He frowned, but still said: "It depends on the situation!"

I went crazy with joy when he said that.I don't know why I would feel this way about a guy I've only met once.

I kept watching him leave, his body was very thin, with a feeling of frailty.Then I watched him until he walked into the building and couldn't see him anymore.

I didn't leave immediately, but looked at the photo I just took of him there.

I know why he attracted me in the first place.That's because of the kind of temperament he has, as if he is shrouded in hope, and the sun shines on him, making him look unreal... This picture makes me want to cry...

Almost at that moment, I knew I was in love with him.Yes, for 23 years, I, who had almost lost love, fell in love with a boy at first sight.

But I'm not afraid at all. Falling in love with a boy is not a treacherous thing.He must accept me too.

I was so naive back then.I thought, that day, his tears were because he was relieved; that day, his tears made him feel like he was relieved...

"Brother, what's wrong with you, brother?" I heard a childish voice.

The little boy next to me looked at me nervously, and I reached out to wipe my face, which was full of tears.

I smiled reluctantly and said to him: "Brother is fine!"

"Yeah." The little boy nodded and ran away with the book.

Looking at the back of the child, I laughed at myself.He is still so young, life has so many expectations, so many hopes, but I... I lost him, it was like losing the whole world...so hopeless.

I felt sad and could only look up at the sky.

But at this moment, I suddenly realized: at that time, it turned out that... Zhan Ning's smile... was not because of hope, but... because of despair...

I suddenly felt very panicked, looking at the people walking up and down in the park, I couldn't say a word...

I didn't find it, I didn't find it...

He was scared, he was desperate, but I didn't realize...

At that time, he was still holding the photo foolishly, and self-righteously commented that he was crying with joy because he got hope...

I stood up staggeringly, then knelt down when my legs became weak. On the street, I covered my eyes with my hands, tears slipped down my fingertips, and I began to cry loudly, yelling to the sky over and over again: "Exhibition!" Ning, I'm sorry..."

Everyone who came and went looked at me like a madman.

But, he can't hear it anymore...

Honey, I'm sorry...