lose

Comfort myself...

However, since being with Tong Yanxing, I am really much happier.The usually painful chemotherapy seems to be relieved a little as long as he is by his side.

I smiled and continued to look through the new book he bought for me yesterday.

This time I read a love novel, ask me why?Because obviously, I laughed when he brought it out, because the name is "Ferris Wheel of Love"!

However, looking at it, I felt something was wrong.Because this content probably means that after a long time in a Ferris wheel in an amusement park, it will have thoughts and human emotions.Day by day, the ferris wheel fell in love with someone. In order to pursue his love, it turned into a boy and came to the human world to find his lover...

The story is very simple, but when I saw the part where the ferris wheel finally found its lover, I was amazed.

"He finally found the lover of his dreams. Regardless of the surprised eyes of others, he ran over to hug the man tightly and said happily: 'I finally found you!'"

man?he?It turns out that there are indeed novels about homosexuality, but the idea is quite interesting!

When I was fascinated by reading, suddenly the book was pulled out, and Tong Yanxing's smiling face appeared in front of my eyes.

Every time I see his smiling face, I can't help laughing, because this smiling face seems to be his living sign.

After kissing me on the cheek, Tong Yanxing sat down and helped me put the book away, and also took out the coat for me. It seems that he is planning to take me somewhere again, right?

"Hurry up, get dressed and I'll take you out to play!"

"Where are you going?" I became a little interested. Last week I went to an amusement park, last week I went mountain climbing... Where will he take me this time?

"Secret!" After he finished dressing me, he planned to sneak out without telling the doctors and nurses.Because my condition is unstable, the doctor is strict with me.

When we gently locked the door and were about to go out, a voice sounded from behind: "Words and deeds, you kid sneaked out with Zhanning again, right?"

We stopped in fright, turned around, and saw Dad standing behind us.

We were so ashamed that we had to look at the ground and dare not look at our father.

Probably my father didn't want to see us like this either. He shook his head and said, "Okay, okay, anyway, it's not the first time you've taken him out secretly, just remember to come back early."

"Thank you uncle!"

"Thank you dad!"

After thanking my father, Tong Yanxing took me to the center of City S, which is the most prosperous place in City S, why did he bring me here?

After wandering on the street for a while, he took me into a big shopping mall. Although this shopping mall is no different from the usual ones, there are many strange gadgets in it.

Tong Yanxing and I didn't buy anything, we just lay on the window outside the shop, studying one by one, and the people passing by looked at us strangely.

It was only when a few girls were pointing at us and snickering that I finally came to my senses, looked at Tong Yanxing's hand holding mine, and let go of his hand with a light cough.

Tong Yanxing looked back at them, smiled, and couldn't help but take my hand again, and held it tightly. I couldn't struggle no matter what, so I could only let him hold it.

I don't know how long I played, but when I remembered to check the time, I found that it was already past noon.Tong Yanxing held my hand in front, and turned around and asked, "Zhanning, let's go eat!"

I nodded expectantly, to be honest I seldom eat out.

With that said, we came to a small shop, and he took me in.

After finding a place, Tong Yanxing went to order food.I looked around curiously, and was suddenly attracted by the two boys at the next table.

They are about my age and should still be studying.Thinking of this, I smiled helplessly, but what happened next surprised me.

I saw that the taller and handsome boy said something in the thin and weak boy's ear. The thin boy shyly pushed him, but the big boy kissed him directly.

I was stunned. It turns out that apart from our pair, other same-sex loves can also show their love in a generous way!

I couldn't help laughing out, but they were noisy.They stopped kissing and looked back at me.The thin boy smiled shyly at me, and then shyly buried his little face in his arms, while the tall boy directly showed me a smug smile.

At this moment, Tong Yanxing came back from ordering a good meal, sat beside me, kissed my earlobe and asked, "What's wrong?"

I pushed him away, but when I turned my head, I saw them next to me showing a suddenly enlightened expression.I was a little embarrassed and had to scratch my head.

The food was delivered quickly, and the boys at the next table finished eating earlier than us and left. When leaving, the tall boy turned his head and smiled at me when he walked out the door, and made a "come on" gesture. The little boy turned around and smiled at me.I burst out laughing instantly, they are really cute!

Soon we finished our meal and continued shopping in the mall.Continue to stroll from the first floor to the top floor, read books in the bookstore, and play games in the amusement park for a while, then plan to go back, but when we came to the fence of the mall, Tong Yanxing said that he was worried that I was thirsty, so he let me Wait by the side and buy water for me.

When I waited for a while, I didn't see him, so I planned to go to him.

However, as soon as I took a step forward, I suddenly felt a burst of pain, my whole body was spinning, and I had a headache. After walking two steps, I suddenly felt that my eyes were dark, and my shaky body finally fell to the ground. Before I passed out, , in a daze, I saw Tong Yanxing running towards me in a panic

……

then……

I don't know anything...

☆、Chapter 8

April 2010

Xiao Zhanning

"Zhanning, it's time for chemotherapy!" The nurse pushed the wheelchair over, and I struggled to get up on the bed, but Tong Yanxing silently picked me up from the bed and put me in the wheelchair.

The nurse pushed me to the chemotherapy room. When she closed the door, I clearly saw him standing outside the door with a painful expression on his face!

Since I fainted in the shopping mall two months ago, my condition seems to be getting worse and worse. I often can’t eat, throw up when I eat, and lose weight day by day. Because of chemotherapy, my complexion is getting paler and paler...

Spring, spring seems to be here... Me, how long is it?

After chemotherapy, the injection site was so painful that I was in tears.Back in the ward, I could only lie on the bed and grit my teeth enduring the pain.

Tong Yanxing didn't dare to touch me, he was afraid that it would hurt me, so he could only stand by the bed and look at me, but he seemed to be in more pain than me.

Zhanyu just came in from the outside at this time, seeing me like this, tears immediately flowed out, there is no way, although he is a boy, he is only 16 years old, he is still a child!

I try my best to give him a smile, but I know that laughing like this is definitely uglier than crying.

Seeing Zhanyu coming, Tong Yanxing said, "I'll go out and fetch water for you, so you can take a good rest."

Then he said to Zhanyu: "Xiaoyu, look at your brother."

After seeing Zhanyu nodding, Tong Yanxing dared to go out.

After watching his back disappear outside the ward, I smiled helplessly and shook my head, Tong Yanxing must be too nervous to leave for such a short time!

As if seeing my thoughts, Zhanyu said sadly: "Brother, Brother Yanxing cares about you!"

"I know!" I smiled lightly, and my body didn't seem to be so painful at this time.

I know, I know... Tong Yanxing, he must be guilty.In the past two months, I woke up from sleep more than once, only to find Tong Yanxing sitting by the bed and muttering to himself. He was thinking that if he hadn't taken me out often, my illness would not have relapsed.

He is so stupid!How could anyone be as stupid as him to take all the responsibility on him?

I asked Zhanyu to help me up, and then let him read a book beside me. I looked out the window, full of worries.

My fate with Tong Yanxing... Could it just end here?The days really go by quickly, just like this in our happiness.I can't catch it at all, its tail...

At this time, when the side of the bed sank, I knew Tong Yanxing was back.He sat there looking at me, and asked distressedly: "Zhanning, does it still hurt?"

I shook my head slightly and gave him a comforting look.But he didn't give me a clear look back, but looked at me more seriously.

But he still said, "Zhanning, don't worry, you'll be fine."

I didn't speak, but my heart was so depressed.

In the evening, Tong Yanxing went home and said he would bring something.My parents went to work and Zhanyu went to school, so I had to stay in the ward and read alone.

But I couldn't pay attention to it at all. After turning a few pages, I started to be in a daze. At this time, a voice interrupted my contemplation.

"Excuse me, is this Zhanning?" A deep and magnetic voice came from outside the door. I looked outside, and there was a man in a suit standing there with a straight face.

I was startled at first, but immediately calmed down. After seeing me nodding, the man stepped in.

Due to physical reasons, I didn't get out of bed, but he was quite familiar, sitting on the chair next to him unceremoniously.

I looked at him carefully, and almost immediately confirmed that this is Tong Yanxing's eldest brother!

The two brothers seem to be printed on a board, but their auras are different.

His eldest brother seemed to be a manager by nature, with a strong aura. In today's terms, he was domineering, and he could tell at a glance that he was someone who could only stand on the top of a mountain.

But Tong Yan's actions are like a piece of nephrite.As the saying goes, a gentleman is like jade.He looks polite and gentle on the outside, but once he has emotions, he is not arrogant.So, even though they look alike, they can be distinguished by their auras.

"Hello, I'm Tong Yanxing's elder brother, Tong Yan'an, you can call me Tong elder brother!"

"Brother Tong." I called obediently, and Brother Tong nodded with satisfaction, but his face remained expressionless.

He said: "I have known you for a long time, but I have never had time to come and see you. How are you doing now?"

I nodded slowly, but I was thinking in my heart, why did he say he knew me a long time ago?

Seeing my doubts, Big Brother Tong finally smiled, but only slightly pursed the corners of his mouth.He said: "I know you are dealing with words and deeds!"

Seeing me looking at him in panic, Brother Tong comforted me: "Don't worry, I'm not here to tear you apart! I just want to take a look at someone my brother likes."

Hearing what he said, I was a little relieved, and I asked cautiously: "Brother Tong, you...do you not object?"

"Why should I object?" Brother Tong asked me back, "Although my younger brother is very popular with girls, I have never seen him fall in love with anyone... You are the first person he said he loves, for this reason, I can't object!"

After hearing what Brother Tong said, I stopped talking.Brother Tong should have seen that I have something on my mind, he said: "I don't know what you think, but I hope you can be brave!"

Brother Tong bid farewell and left after saying this, while I continued to lie on the bed in a daze.

At eight o'clock, Tong Yanxing called and said that he had something to do and would be late.

After hanging up the phone, I looked out the window, the sky was already getting dark, every house was lit up, and all kinds of neon lights on the shop signs on the street were mixed together. In my eyes, it was like layers of colorful lights. Chaotic pigments, luxurious and beautiful...

Instead of turning on the light, I got up and stood in front of the window.The room was dark, and the light from outside could cast my reflection in the window.

In the window, I was wearing a blue hospital gown. Due to the long-term chemotherapy, the original fitting hospital gown became loose; the original thick black and shiny hair became dull and yellow. lots of...

There is not much hair left...

Looking at my haggard self, I finally couldn't bear it anymore and collapsed on the ground, crying...

Although I have never lived a perfect life since I was a child, although my family is not rich, it is still happy.

But... this illness cut off the happiness of my life...

Finally, I met my man. Although we are both of the same sex, although this relationship is outrageous in front of the world, and although we are not fully approved by both parents, I really love him, and I really want to, Always be by his side forever, but... I really don't have much time...

I'm not reconciled, I'm not reconciled, why...why...

I asked myself that I had never done anything wrong, why did God treat me like this!

Why, at the last moment of my life, let me fall in love with him... But, don't let me accompany him to the end...

I really want to be brave, but... I don't have the capital to be brave...

At this moment, my father's vicissitudes of life flashed before my eyes, my mother's kind face, Zhanyu's youthful and vigorous face...

And, the way Tong Yanxing always smiles at me gently...

Dear……

I really... don't want to die...

☆、Chapter 9

April 2010

Xiao Zhanning

It's been another month, March, and it's spring in season, right?

It seemed to be getting worse as my physical condition got worse.

My father talked less and less, and now when he came to the hospital, he didn't say anything, just looked at me silently.Even if my mother came, she shed tears as soon as she saw me, and Zhanyu seldom came. Even when he saw him, his eyes were always red and swollen.

And among the people here, only Tong Yanxing has not changed.He still guards me every day, accompany me to undergo chemotherapy every day, bask in the sun with me every day, tell me jokes every day, and stay by my bedside every night...

I once thought, did I really drag him down?Watching him gradually lose weight, my heart felt as if it had been ripped apart alive, and I couldn't feel any pain.

In order not to drag him down, I tried to break up with him directly, not wanting to affect him.I felt like it was wrong for me to be with him.I couldn't, couldn't be that selfish enough to lock him away from me.

But, he got angry, when he poured water for me that day, he was so angry that he threw the water glass against the wall, and slapped me hard in front of the doctor, nurse, parents and Zhanyu , and then he cried...

He knelt by the bed, hugging my waist, weeping uncontrollably.

He said, "Zhanning, don't leave me..."

I said: I'm sorry, I won't leave you.

But I'm just talking, who knows, can we make it to the end?

In mid-March, my illness began to improve, and the chemotherapy seemed to be effective. The whole family was very happy, and they had smiles on their faces every day.

Of course Tong Yanxing was happy, so he made a request to me.

"Married?" Parents asked Tong Yanxing in disbelief, Zhanyu looked at me, and I looked at Tong Yanxing in bewilderment.

Tong Yanxing nodded firmly, and said: "Although I haven't dated Zhanning for a long time, I really love him. I hope to get married at this time, and then I will take over. Zhanning will definitely get better." !"

Neither of us spoke, just looked at him.I know that Tong Yanxing is not sympathizing with me, nor is she pitying me.I know, because I have never seen a little bit of pity in his eyes. On the contrary, his jade-like eyes are full of determination and affection that I have never seen before.

I nodded almost subconsciously. It's not that I didn't see the worried look of my parents, but I want to marry him, so even if I'm going to die in the next second, I still want to be my true self...

Tong Yanxing smiled, his eyes filled with tears, he kissed my cheek and said: "I will go to my parents in the afternoon, I believe they will agree!"

Then I said to my parents: "Uncles and aunts, please start preparing. I will go back and tell my parents today that I will definitely let them agree. I am not joking. Please believe me!"

The father didn't say anything, he nodded with a gloomy expression, and the mother didn't say anything, weeping silently.

Tong Yanxing hesitated to speak, but finally packed up some things, told me a few words and went back.

After he left, I started to react, and my whole heart was beating wildly.

Get married, Tong Yanxing and I are really going to get married!My face seemed to have a fever, very hot.

I was immersed in this kind of joy, and I didn't even think about whether Tong Yanxing's parents would agree. Instead, I was looking forward to the good news that Tong Yanxing would bring tonight.

but……

It's been two whole days, Tong Yanxing, but there is no news...

I looked out the window anxiously, my heart pounding, could it be that Tong Yanxing and his parents disagreed?

My heart sank. Although my thoughts were a little confused, I still believed in Tong Yanxing, I believed in him, and I would... definitely...

I dare not think about it anymore, I am afraid that I will really hear the news that I don't want to know.

At this time, there was a knock on the door, I looked over happily, I thought it would be Tong Yanxing.In the end, I saw two people.

They should be husband and wife, they look bookish, they should be... Tong Yanxing's parents!

I can think of why they came. Since Tong Yanxing didn't follow, it must be inconvenient for him.Tong Yan is working hard for our happiness, and I can't give up!

Uncles and aunts did not directly talk about Tong Yanxing and me, but asked about my condition. After hearing that I had recovered a lot, they hesitated to speak.

"Zhanning, I know you are a good boy, you and your words and deeds..." Aunt said awkwardly: "Two boys... I don't have any prejudice against homosexuality, but..."

However, because of my body... I lowered my eyes, not knowing what to say.

At this time, the uncle said: "Zhanning, do you really like Ah Xing?"

Uncle Tong looks very sophisticated, personable, and dignified when he speaks, which is very similar to Brother Tong.

"Of course I really like him!" I said hastily, but I met the eyes of Uncle Tong and Aunt Tong for a moment. There was no discrimination or objection in their eyes, and there was only kindness in them!

My heart calmed down at once, and I thought it was time to show my attitude to my uncle and aunt.

"Uncle Tong, Aunt Tong, I know that my health is not good, I don't know how long I can live, and I don't know what to say, but I want you to know that I really want to be with Tong Yanxing .”

"Although I know that it is impossible for me to stay with him forever, I still want to cherish the remaining days..."

"Uncle and aunt, please accept us, can you?"

Uncle Tong and Aunt Tong didn't say anything, but I could vaguely see relief in their eyes.In short, this matter has come to an end for the time being. They should agree that Tong Yanxing and I should get married, although I don't know if they are out of sympathy for me or something else.

The next day, Tong Yanxing came back. Apart from being a little tired, he was still in good spirits.

He didn't know what he was busy these days, and he always came very late, and I didn't ask, because at this time, my parents and uncles and aunts were discussing the wedding, because it was busy to order a special dress.So I was very angry when Tong Yanxing dragged me to the garden of the hospital at night!

But before I asked him what he was going to do, the surroundings suddenly lit up. It turned out that there were many small lanterns hanging on the tree, which was as beautiful as in a dream.

"Zhanning," Tong Yanxing knelt down on one knee at this time, took out a brocade box from his jacket pocket, opened it, and took out a ring from it.

He took my hand and said: "Zhanning, I have always owed you a decent marriage proposal. I will make it up today. Are you willing to marry me? I will always cherish you!"

Tong Yanxing didn't say "Let me marry him or something" but asked me if I would marry him. I know he has always put me on the same level as him, so I am very happy, even though our love is in the hands of others It seems to be against morality and is not recognized by this country, but I know that my life will only belong to him!

I nodded with tears in my eyes, and when he put the ring on my left ring finger, I finally couldn't help but stepped forward and hugged him tightly, crying out.

Can it, can it just be like this, let time stay here...

Stay, this season I love you...

☆、Chapter 10

April 2010

Xiao Zhanning

In April, the condition began to deteriorate again.It seems that I can't hold on any longer. My parents haven't smiled at all these days, and Uncle Tong and Aunt Tong have heavy faces.

Only Tong Yanxing, he didn't seem to see it, he always believed that I would get better, so he kept discussing with me about the dress and the wedding ceremony.

I'm looking forward to the wedding more and more, even though it's just two families.I don't know whether it is better to go to church, or to follow Chinese customs and hold it at home?

April 2010

Xiao Zhanning

May.

Because of chemotherapy, my hair has fallen out, and my head is bald. Tong Yanxing still laughs at me like a little monk.

Whenever I ignore him at this time, I am still a young monk, and a young monk will not get married, and he is still with the same sex!

But he still bought me a hat, which looks nice on my head, otherwise he wouldn't be proud to say that his eyesight is better!

The dresses have been prepared and delivered in two days.It's two sets of black suits, a white shirt with a green plaid tie, it looks great!

I thought about trying it on, but it turned out to be too big, I couldn't help it, and now I'm skinny, so I can't fit the custom-made clothes two months ago.

But let’s make do with it. At this time, we can’t say that we will do a new set.

Tong Yanxing squatted beside my bed with a smile, now I can't get out of bed, I can only lie down every day.

Tong Yanxing said: "It's okay, you may gain weight when we hold the wedding in June, and the clothes will be suitable by then."

I nodded, I really don't want to use "weakness" to describe myself, but my current state is indeed like this.

But I am still looking forward to the wedding scene. It seems that there is no way to hold it in the church.

I'm happy even in the hospital.

As long as I can be with him!

April 2010

Xiao Zhanning

It's finally getting to the wedding day, and things got worse again when things got a little better the week before.The day before the wedding, the hospital issued a critical illness notice. I was lying in bed and couldn't get up at all. I had to rely on Tong Yanxing to complete my daily tasks.

I'm still aware that Tong Yanxing has been haggard a lot these days, and his parents, Uncle Tong and Aunt Tong just cheered up to prepare for the wedding.Big brother Tong still comes to see me every day, but Zhanyu just arrives every day and doesn’t come in. He stands outside the door thinking about something, and he doesn’t respond when asked.

I know very well what they are thinking, and I also know that I can't survive this month, but I still look forward to at least allowing Tong Yanxing and me to complete the wedding...

For some reason, I was in surprisingly good spirits when it came to the wedding day.Even I can't help but think, is it going to get better?

But I know, looking at their unhappy faces...

Everyone knows that it's time to return to the past...isn't it?

The wedding was held in my ward, and Tong Yanxing came over early in the morning to help me change my clothes, and then when my parents came over, he also went to change my clothes.

Father and mother put on new clothes and felt much younger. Zhanyu also changed into a suit, but it fit him very well.

The ward was dressed up by the nurses and it was beautifully decorated, although the audience was just our two families, Jessley who designed our costumes for us, my attending doctor and the nurse who took care of me.

Despite the pain in my body, I was hoping to get up and go through the process with him!

So I got up. Although I needed Tong Yanxing's support, I was still very happy to stand beside him.

Uncle Tong acted as the officiant. After announcing the oath, Tong Yanxing put the ring on my finger first, and then me.

I slowly put the ring on Tong Yanxing's ring finger, watching the ring put on bit by bit, my consciousness began to be in a trance, but I knew, I must persist!

After successfully putting it on, Tong Yanxing smiled. He happily hugged me into his arms and kissed the top of my head.

I really want to laugh at him, he is obviously wearing a hat, isn't it like kissing the hat?

But I really don't even have the energy to laugh...

He hugged me tightly, I could feel his body temperature, his strong heartbeat, made me feel that I still exist in this world...

My breathing gradually became heavy, and my eyelids were fighting. Tong Yanxing just let go of me a little, and I fell down immediately.

Tong Yanxing hurriedly hugged me, we sat on the ground like this, I lay in his arms, looking at the people around me, the memories of this year flashed before my eyes like a revolving lantern.

First, the father.I know that my father actually loves me very much, but he is not good at expressing it. He is actually like many fathers.I know, I love him, and he loves me.

Then there was my mother, a woman, who was pregnant in October and gave birth to the child. They suffered more than anyone else when something happened to the child.I can't be filial to her in this life, I can only wait until the next life to be your son...

Zhanyu, my only younger brother...

I want to talk, but I can't...

I only hope that in the next life, I will be a good brother, cherish you, protect you...

Uncle Tong and Aunt Tong, I know they agreed to this marriage because they pity me...

However, I am still grateful to them for not looking at us with worldly eyes.

Brother Tong is a very good elder brother. Although he is very strict, without him, Tong Yanxing and I would not have the wedding today.

Also, Tong Yanxing...

I stretched out my hand to touch his face, but I touched the green stubble around his lips... He hasn't shaved properly for many days, because today we got married, he just shaved in a hurry.

I really want to look at him, even if it is one more time...

After I die, will I still remember him?

I'm sorry, Tong Yanxing, I really want to be with you forever, now, maybe in the next second, my breathing, my heartbeat will stop, then my eternity has come to an end...

After I die, I will no longer exist in your world...

When the time comes, find someone to live a good life, okay?

I cast my last gaze out of the window, there is a tree outside, which has grown new leaves, tender, very cute, full of vitality...

I smiled slowly...

"Tong Yanxing, can I get some sleep?"

"Hmm!" Tong Yanxing took my hand with sobs, clasped it tightly, and said, "Go to sleep, I'm right here..."

I nodded lightly for the last time, stretched my neck hard, and whispered a word in his ear: "Tong Yanxing, I have always... always, loved you very much..."

I didn't hear Tong Yanxing's response, because I saw him appearing in front of my eyes, wearing pure white clothes.

He turned his head, stretched out his hand, and said to me: "Zhanning, let's go!"

I laughed out loud and put my hand in his...

I know……

It has ended……

goodbye……

never see you again...

……

The author has something to say: The Zhan Ning chapter of "Lost" is finished, and the next part of Tong Yanxing's chapter will be posted tomorrow.Thank you for your support.