Jiang Hao

Their most normal reaction is now: they think that I have a girlfriend, which will affect my studies.But this tendon, this matter, has always cast a shadow over me.

When I left the house, I hesitated whether I should call Jiang Hao.

I don't know what my father said on the phone last night, but hearing what the old man said, Jiang Hao tried his best to ignore me.Not very effective, but definitely not on purpose to embarrass me.

I held the phone, thinking back to the eye contact with Jiang Hao at the school gate yesterday afternoon, I couldn’t press the dial button.

From Jiang Hao's point of view, this matter must be disgusting, disgusting me, disgusting what I did.I also feel sick. I can still think of the way he looked at me yesterday afternoon when I close my eyes. The complexity and surprise in it are breathless.

I stared at the string of numbers in a daze, and finally put the phone back in my pocket.

…I don’t know what to say, I don’t even know what tone I should use to speak to Jiang Hao.

The distress in my heart has surpassed words to describe, I can't face Jiang Hao, and I don't even want to listen to his voice.

Escape is my most instinctive reaction.

During the winter vacation when I just started college, I escaped from Jiang Hao’s house and returned to my own home just before the Chinese New Year.Since then, all my options have been to escape.

Tracing back to the source, perhaps earlier, I used Jiang Hao to break up with my girlfriend after graduating from high school, which was also an escape.

What's more, if I hadn't been escorted by my parents at all critical moments since I was a child, I would probably end up escaping without exception.

I am such a person, escape is the easiest choice to let myself go.

Sitting in the study room in a panic, I didn't know how I got through the whole afternoon.

Jiang Hao didn't come to look for me, he looked at the phone over and over again, and the time passed, and he never showed up.

If I were him and encountered such a situation, I would never appear again.

Lost, depressed, at a loss, and even heartache, these emotions are entangled and expected.

Uncovering the cocoons, I was surprised by the joy that rose in my heart.

I'm glad that Jiang Hao is still that Jiang Hao, when I didn't know how to speak, even the matter of opening the mouth was saved for me.

Jiang Hao never appeared again, and he no longer came to me for self-study.To be precise, he no longer came from home to study with me.

This time, I didn't take the initiative to contact him.

I don't know what to say but secondly, the most important thing is that I can't find a reason to contact him actively.

I was very happy when he was studying with me.But that kind of happiness is based on the fact that I don't think about anything related to him, I can't even think about Cai Xia.

If Jiang Hao doesn't come to me, it seems that my world becomes simpler all at once.I have someone who can be called a 'daughter-in-law' - Cai Xia, I have parents who want me to go abroad, I have things I have to do every day... that's all.

This feeling is inexplicably relaxed, as if I have thrown off a long-standing burden.

I don't need to worry about what to do when Cai Xia finds out what happened between me and Jiang Hao one day, and I don't need to worry about what will happen if my parents find out that I have been close to Jiang Hao...

Many things seemed extremely relaxed after no longer having contact with Jiang Hao.

For the rest of the summer vacation, I didn't see Jiang Hao again.I was not in the mood to think about such meaningless things, and I was only thinking about the English test.

Before school started, I took the TOEFL test again.When I left the exam room, I didn't feel anything.

Anyone who has studied hard knows that after an exam, if you are sure, the final result should not be far from your expectations.In my case, it can only show that the review is not enough.Since I was a child, I have only a few exams that I feel confident about.

With fear in my heart, I naturally paid more attention to the GRE test in a month's time.

After all, as the 'American Graduate Admission Test', the intermediary told me that it is more important than language scores.Regarding this point, I am not sure. After all, I have no experience, so I can only believe what the intermediary says.

After school started, I was so focused on preparing for the GRE that I only had to live in the study room.

My mother thought it was too hard for me to be alone in the new campus, so she simply asked me to come back instead of going to class.The courses in the senior year are all irrelevant professional courses. Every teacher knows that the vast majority of students need to take the postgraduate entrance examination at the end of the year, so they never call names.

I will submit all materials and complete the application before December.The course grades of this semester are meaningless to me, so I simply followed my mother's advice and stopped going to the new campus.

Cai Xia didn't know that I stayed at home all day, I was afraid that he would often come to see me, so I didn't tell him.

In mid-September, he called me as usual, but suddenly said, "Brother Kun, I'll find you later."

I panicked, "What are you doing?"

"..." Cai Xia didn't say it clearly, but I had a faint feeling in my heart that maybe he hoped that my test scores would be worse this time, which would directly affect my application for going abroad later, and I wouldn't be able to leave if I failed.

I don't think there is anything wrong with this kind of thinking. Compared with my selfishness, Cai Xia's behavior is nothing. No effort to deal with him again.

"I want to see you..." Cai Xia said aggrievedly, "You will really go abroad in the future, what shall we do?"

Cai Xia always asks me, 'What should we do? ', 'What if I want to see you later? '…these are the questions that hurt me, I don't know the answer, I never thought about it.

In my mind, going abroad allowed me to get rid of the current situation. I may not live a better life, but at least it is a change in my past life.

I didn't take Cai Xia into consideration in my future life, I never did.

Not only Cai Xia, but also Jiang Hao, and even everything in the past, I don't want to bring it into my future life.

I have been immersed in this kind of life for too long, and I even feel disgusted by myself, let alone others.

"Brother Kun," Cai Xia raised her voice and said firmly, "I'm going to find you in the new campus later, are you still in the previous study room?"

I refused decisively, and I didn't even want to tell lies, "I'm not in the new campus, and you won't be able to find me if you go."

"..." Cai Xia fell silent again on the other end of the phone.

"What to do, okay?"

Cai Xia suddenly asked me, "You've been at home all this time, and you didn't tell me, did you?" He never spoke to me in such a tone, and for a while, I seemed like I didn't know this person.

"..." Silence became me.

Cai Xia hung up the phone.Listening to the busy tone, I have mixed feelings.In the past, I hung up other people's calls without hesitation, but at this moment, I was indescribably surprised.I never thought that one day, it would be Cai Xia who hung up on my phone.

37

Just after the end of September, I finished the GRE test and began to prepare many documents for going abroad, including asset certificates, transcripts, and PS and other documents.

The situation between me and Cai Xia is getting worse and worse, every time we meet, there will be quarrels.

Cai Xia has always been considerate in my heart. I attribute this impression to the fact that his family environment is not good, so he is more considerate of others.Of course, I don't rule out that this situation is due to my arrogance and his feelings for me. I don't want to think too much, after all, the current situation does not allow me to think about it.

The current Cai Xia can argue with me about anything, and I can't stand my mother.

I was too lazy to argue with him, and I was not happy with what I said, so I said to him, "Hurry up, get out as far as you can."

At the beginning of the period, Cai Xia was silent about my reaction.

I knew what he was thinking, and felt that I had lied to him, and that I should compromise in every detail under such circumstances.

I should do it, it makes sense.I know it in my heart, but I can't do it.

It seems that when I decided to go abroad, the matter of "separation" has been subconsciously self-suggested.

Thinking about it now, perhaps my initial reluctance to tell Cai Xia was also due to the idea of ​​giving myself some time.

I don't want to hurt Cai Xia, there is no doubt about it, but more, I am still the selfish me, just as Cai Xia said.The result of going abroad is bound to break this relationship. I need time to adapt, so I found a safe area for myself and didn't care about Cai Xia's feelings.

Things broke out at the end of October.At that time, I was preparing application materials, and I was overwhelmed.

I could totally ignore the school curriculum and just stay at home and prepare for the application.The agency chose the right school for me, not top-notch, but reasonable for my TOEFL and GRE scores.

Cai Xia called me and once again said that she wanted to come to me, "Brother Kun, what are you doing?"

When I received the call, I was discussing the application with the teacher who helped me correct the essay, "I will call you later." I hung up his call in a hurry, and turned back to continue the previous topic.

It was already a few hours after I came out of the agency, I was exhausted, and I didn't have any energy to deal with Cai Xia.

I called him back, full of reluctance, "What did you just call?" The intermediary teacher kept emphasizing "safety" to me, and I understand that they have a "success rate" in mind.For me, the 'success rate' also ensures that I don't waste time.But the tone of their voices, and the amount of disdain for my less-than-glamorous CV, it broke my heart and soul.

"I'm at your school." Cai Xia replied naturally, without any understanding, "Where are you now?"

I have no right to ask for Cai Xia's understanding, after all, I made a mistake first.But his reasonable demands and wanton possession still brought me a lot of pressure, "Why do you come to our school again when you have nothing to do?"