Jiang Hao

The book was lying quietly in the schoolbag, I didn't even open the schoolbag last night.

31

My life is in a vicious circle.The unclear relationship with Jiang Hao made me tired.

I always come back to him during the week and text him after I get on the school bus and whatever he's doing over there has to stop and wait for me.

This was a follow-up to his visit to my house, where we could have gotten away from each other's lives at the closest we could have made this a smooth landing, but he didn't.

Compared to so many times in the past, I couldn't help it. This time, he was the one who took the first step. After that, I was as dead as usual, unable to control myself.

Jiang Hao didn't ask me why I always come back during the week. I study English day and night, and I don't have enough time.

I spend my weekends with Cai Xia, partly out of guilt, but more often, Cai Xia makes me feel relaxed.

Cai Xia didn't know that I was going abroad. With him, I didn't have to bear the pressure of learning English, and I didn't have to think about many things to apply for in the future, and I didn't have to think about future issues.

Cai Xia is a few years younger than me. At his age, I don't think about the future.

On this point, he is quite calm, and he is called a special recruit. Even if this year's competition fails, he still has many choices in the future. Whether it is to continue to study in school or to develop a skill, it is considered a good one. way out.

In his circumstances, it was the best he could do.

This kind of life, muddled, lasted until the end of the second half of the junior year.

Towards the end of the semester, I had several exams lumped together.

Deciding to go abroad, courses also become important.Applying abroad is not only an English test, but also a GPA.In the first three years, I didn't study much, and I didn't fail to fail, but my grades were not very good.

The courses in the junior year are all college professional courses, which account for a high proportion of credits. If the grades of this semester can be better than before, it will obviously help to increase the GPA.

In the last two weeks at the end of the semester, I am not going to go back to the old campus, and I am going all out.

I never tell Jiang Hao in advance when I will go back, so if I don't go back, I don't need to inform him.But I told Cai Xia, the main reason was to prevent Cai Xia from thinking too much like last time, looking for trouble when nothing happened.

I said to him, "There are a lot of exams recently, I will go back after I finish the exams."

Cai Xia thought for a while on the phone, and then asked me, "About when, I'm going to practice next week."

When he said this, I remembered that Cai Xia missed the provincial competition this year, so he signed up for special summer training.

The special training starts from their summer vacation and lasts for several weeks.I can't remember the exact length. Cai Xia mentioned it to me when I signed up, but I can't remember it at all.Now I can't remember anything except the words in the English book.

"I have to take the exam for two weeks, and I will take the exam until Monday next week." I said realistically.

After saying this, it means that Cai Xia and I won't be able to meet each other recently, and we won't be able to come out until he returns from special training.

I'm going to start applying in the second half of the year. There are countless kinds of regrets. When I face Cai Xia, I always hope to meet his requirements.But this period of time is indeed a critical period. I can't be careless. Even if I resist in my heart, I don't have the courage to deal with it.

This is my bottom line, my father has chosen a way out for me, and I have nowhere to go.Standing on the edge of captivity, I can only be forced to move forward.

"So..." Cai Xia was obviously unhappy, "Don't you have any time?"

"I'll try my best," said the words, but I understand that I just want to coax him. If I can spare time, I will try my best to tell him like this.

"Well," Cai Xia didn't make things difficult for me, "The exam is the most important thing. I just come back for summer vacation, so I have more time then."

Summer vacation... According to this posture, I'm afraid that summer vacation will be even busier.I was still in the TOEFL test period, and the GRE test hadn't started at all. When I had time during the summer vacation, I was afraid that I wouldn't even be able to leave the house, so I would recite vocabulary at home every day. "Well, be careful of your leg injury during training, if you can't do it, just rest." I changed the subject because I cared about Cai Xia and was also afraid that he would continue to pester me about the meeting.

In those few days, Cai Xia and I spent more time texting and calling. He called me when I was leaving for the study room after dinner.Usually when I am studying by myself, he always sends text messages.I remembered to reply, and if I didn't reply, I would always call him after leaving the study room.

Jason only studies by himself before the exam. He is sitting next to me these days. Of course, on the table between us are all kinds of review materials for top students.

Jason was surprised by my recent study status, and I didn't tell him in detail.It seems that after I decided to go abroad, the focus of my life was only learning English. In the past, I would occasionally talk to Jason about my own affairs, including Jiang Hao and Cai Xia.Of course, I didn't mention his name, and even the details were scant.

Now, the two of us can't even speak a few words except for self-study together.I always make phone calls while walking, he is too lazy to listen to those chatters, so naturally he stays far away.

On Friday of that week, I had an exam in the morning.

After the exam, I had dinner with Jason, and then went back to the study room.Our books are all in the self-study room, and we throw away one after another after the exam, and never bring them back to the dormitory.The self-study room was at the final exam preparation stage, and the building management consciously stopped cleaning it up. The books left there were considered to be occupying a seat.

Jason was walking in front of me. He pushed open the study room door and looked back at me.

I looked down at my phone and saw him stop, so I asked, "What's wrong?"

He asked me to look into the study room.

I was still wondering why I didn't receive a text message from Xiao Cai this morning, and he is now sitting in the seat where Jason and I are studying.

Jason had met Cai Xia before, and he had a general impression. He looked at me and made sure he was not mistaken, so he said to me, "I won't study by myself in the afternoon, so I'll go back to the dormitory first." Jason didn't have any objections to my sexual orientation, but If he really wanted to watch two men make out, he might feel awkward.

I ignored his words, opened the door and walked into the study room.

The last time Cai Xia came to see me, I sat in this seat too.

I walked up to him and asked in a low voice, "Why are you here? I..." Before I finished speaking, I looked at the open book in front of him.That book is mine, an English book I am all too familiar with.

Cai Xia looked up at me with many doubts in his eyes, "Brother Kun, are you planning to go abroad?"

I suddenly remembered that when Jiang Hao went abroad for an exchange, he only told me before he left.I can understand the doubt and anger in Xiao Cai's eyes, and I feel the same way.

After a long silence, I didn't know how to answer Cai Xia.

It's not that he didn't think about the situation after Cai Xia found out, because sooner or later he would know about it, and he couldn't hide it.

After this period of time, I would occasionally think about whether I should find a suitable time to tell Cai Xia.But I don't have time to ponder these thoughts carefully, and every time I have this idea, I just let it go.

Once, I felt reluctant to tell Cai Xia because I was afraid that he would lose his temper with me, or that he would entangle me.

But at this moment, he was sitting on my seat with my English book in his hand. I clearly felt that I was a little afraid in my heart. I was afraid that he would resolutely separate from me after knowing this, and I was afraid that I would lose everything in my life. The only thing you can control.

"We..." I said after a while, and turned around at the same time, without looking into Cai Xia's eyes, "Let's go outside the study room and talk."

32

Cai Xia followed me to a coffee shop not far from the study room, where Jason and I always buy and drink on weekdays.

The boss saw that I was a familiar person and smiled at me.

I was very helpless in my heart, and I didn't want to quarrel with Cai Xia in school, or cause any unpleasantness.He is not from our school, and there are so many people around me who know me. In this school, I am timid about sexuality, and I have never been able to get any release.

Cai Xia was sitting at a table outside the coffee shop, I went in and bought two cups of milk tea, and brought them out to him, while I sat opposite him.

"Brother Kun..." Cai Xia looked at me, waiting for me to speak.

"I'm just looking around, who knows what will happen in the future, so be prepared." I still can't open my mouth, if I could say it, I would have said it long ago.Even when he first decided to go abroad, he would not instinctively choose to hide it from Cai Xia.

"..." Cai Xia didn't believe it, and frowned at me.

Don't say it's him, even I don't believe it myself.

The final thing is that the table in the self-study room is full of English books and various printed past exams. I even made the original listening comprehension comprehension.These things have nothing to do with the words 'take a look casually'.

"Don't be like this..." I was very frustrated, Cai Xia kept losing his temper, I used to just coax him, and there was very little time for him not to speak like this.

I couldn't cope, there was nothing I could do.

I remembered that when the freshman year was about to end, Jiang Hao only informed me before going abroad for an exchange. The anger at that time and what Cai Xia is experiencing now are not worth mentioning.

"What's wrong with me?" Cai Xia spoke with a weeping voice, "Why didn't you tell me before, when did you decide."

I was afraid that Xiao Cai would cry in front of me and be gossiped by people coming and going, so I cleared my throat and said in a low voice, "It's been a while, when I was very busy, I was taking the English test." I looked him in the eyes and told the truth, but I did not forget to continue to coax him, "Actually, there is no final decision. It is hard to say whether I will pass the English test or not, and no one knows what the application is like. I will graduate this year. I may have to prepare for the postgraduate entrance examination in half a year. My dad sees that I will have no way out in finding a job, so I have to prepare with both hands.