The Eunuch's Declaration of Loyalty

chapter Five

Qin Shu suddenly became a favorite of the Empress Dowager, not only becoming the Grand Eunuch, a position no one had held before, but also serving the Empress Dowager daily. This naturally aroused much speculation, and some servants privately looked at Qin Shu with somewhat strange eyes.

However, it was none of their business to decide who their master favored. Even if they were jealous, they could only grumble amongst themselves, never daring to speak openly. Palace rules were strict; being caught meant being punished with a salary deduction and other forms of torture. Qin Shu paid no heed to those gazes, responding with his usual gloomy expression, diligently performing his duties each day.

His only task each day was to grind ink for the Empress Dowager and then quietly stand by her side watching her review memorials.

Sometimes the Empress Dowager would talk to him, and at those times Qin Shu always felt extremely annoyed. Never before had he felt so disgusted with his gloomy nature, his inability to be funny, or to say anything nice.

Whenever the Empress Dowager spoke to him, he worried that he would spoil her mood.

Qin Shu still clearly remembered three years ago when he was first assigned to Cixi Palace. He went with several young eunuchs to pay their respects to the Empress Dowager. She looked them over, and when her gaze landed on him, she frowned, clearly disliking his gloomy demeanor.

At that moment, his heart, which had been leaping with joy at finally seeing her again, sank into the dark depths.

After that, whenever the Empress Dowager was present, he would always lower his head and look down, afraid of displeasing her and also afraid of being hurt by her disgusted gaze again.

When he was alone, Qin Shu had tried to imitate those people and put on a better expression, but every time his expression was distorted, and no matter how he looked at it, whether he was smiling or not, he always seemed to have a gloomy look to him.

Perhaps it was his childhood experiences and the abuse he suffered while serving that old eunuch in the palace that kept him in a state of constant misery, filling his heart with darkness, and eventually he forgot how to laugh without any shadows.

The endless physical torment and psychological oppression, those dark and hopeless days, that deep-seated hatred and helplessness—he could never forget them. Perhaps only when he stopped caring about those wounds could he change his current unpleasant appearance. But he knew that day would never come.

Liu Qingtang put down her vermilion brush, feeling her head spinning from all the trivial matters of the court. In her previous life, she was lucky to have endured the ministers' daily long speeches for over a decade. Reborn, she had become much more lax, letting go of things she used to value highly, while paying more attention to things she had never cared about before.

Turning her head and seeing the silent Qin Shu, Liu Qingtang found that, just like in the days since her rebirth, seeing him instantly sobered her up, and the inexplicable restlessness in her heart subsided. This man hadn't changed at all, which made her feel at ease. Qin Shu was her obsession before her death; she felt gratitude towards him, and now that obsession was growing stronger. Liu Qingtang was aware of this, but she didn't want to change the situation.

"Qin Shu, loosen my wrists a bit."

"Yes."

Liu Qingtang seemed to be starting to enjoy the feeling of being carefully held by Qin Shu. After observing his normal complexion and glancing at the barely noticeable redness under his ears, Liu Qingtang relaxed her brows, which had been furrowed from reading the memorial, and a very faint smile appeared on her lips.

"Qin Shu, I'm tired. You can review these memorials for me," Liu Qingtang said listlessly. She had felt a bit heavy-headed since she woke up this morning, and now she was even more sleepy. She hadn't slept much these past few nights; every time she closed her eyes, she was plagued by nightmares. Sometimes she saw herself drinking poison in Cining Palace, her stomach churning in pain; sometimes she saw Qin Shu lying on the desolate palace path covered in blood; and sometimes her soul wandered in the gloomy prison, seeing her father and brother dying.

When I opened my eyes in the morning, I didn't even know if I had slept at all last night.

"This servant is not very knowledgeable about court affairs and dares not make decisions on behalf of Your Majesty," Qin Shu said, pressing her wrist and fingers with moderate pressure. Having done this so often these past few days, he was finally able to remain clear-headed while touching the Empress Dowager, no longer in a state of mental fog. Yet, he still felt a strong tremor in his heart, a mixture of satisfaction and a sense of incompleteness.

"It's just a small matter, why be so serious about it?"

“But, this servant is illiterate.” Qin Shu lowered his head unconsciously after speaking, afraid to see the disappointment on the Empress Dowager’s face. Qin Shu couldn’t help but blame himself for only knowing a dozen or so characters. If he knew more, he could share the Empress Dowager’s burdens. He had also noticed that the Empress Dowager’s complexion hadn’t been good these past few days, and she always seemed rather indifferent. If he could read and write, he could take over for the Empress Dowager, so she wouldn’t have to constantly read these densely packed memorials.

Liu Qingtang did not show any disappointment on her face after hearing Qin Shu's words, but she was extremely surprised.

In her past life, she knew that the Grand Steward Qin Shu was literate, and his calligraphy, while not as good as hers, was still quite good. She remembered seeing it a few times and even casually praising it. Now that she thought about it, Qin Shu was probably quite pleased at the time, but she never noticed.

Could it be that Qin Shu really was still illiterate at this time? She had assumed Qin Shu had been literate from a young age, since some eunuchs had attended school before entering the palace. Thinking about it this way, Liu Qingtang realized she had no idea how old Qin Shu was when he entered the palace, and she had never paid attention to his affairs. In her previous life, her interactions with him were limited to instructing him on tasks, and he was often busy with those tasks, frequently disappearing from sight.

It was no easy feat to acquire such skills in the depths of the palace on one's own; one must have endured much hardship. Liu Qingtang recalled Qin Shu's tall, slender figure from her past life, and a sudden pang of guilt arose in her heart. She softened her tone and said, "As my chief eunuch, how can you be illiterate? From now on, when I review memorials, you will practice calligraphy alongside me."

The next day, when Qin Shu came to serve him writing materials, Liu Qingtang pointed to another chair next to her own. "Sit next to me, and I'll give you some pointers after I finish reviewing the memorials."

"Yes." Qin Shu tried to lower his voice as much as possible so that his voice, which was slightly distorted with joy, would alert the Empress Dowager to his loss of composure. Ever since the Empress Dowager personally promised to teach him to read yesterday, he had felt a huge sense of unreality. He was so happy that he almost tripped over the threshold when he went out yesterday. He rarely lost his composure like this.

His joy stemmed largely from the realization that the Empress Dowager actually cared about him, that she cared for him. This was such a delightful thing; the Empress Dowager didn't dislike him, and even cared a little. That was enough. For that little bit of care, he was willing to give his life. It was the Empress Dowager who had saved his lowly life years ago; even if she hadn't noticed him, this insignificant person, he still wanted to do everything in his power to help her.

After calming his overly excited emotions, Qin Shu opened the calligraphy practice book in front of him. The moment the words came into view, he was deeply stunned. He was all too familiar with those words; he had seen them every day under the Empress Dowager's pen these past few days. This calligraphy practice book—was it actually written by the Empress Dowager herself? How could he, an ordinary servant, be worthy of the Empress Dowager writing these things for him personally? He studied the words with fascination, feeling an overwhelming tenderness in his heart.

"What's wrong? Don't you want to learn running script? But I only know how to write running script."

"No, the running script is excellent, and this servant wishes to learn it. This servant will certainly not disappoint Her Majesty the Empress Dowager's expectations," Qin Shu replied hastily.

Seeing the expression she had been hoping for, Liu Qingtang stopped teasing him and quietly began reading the memorial.

Qin Shu took a deep breath, quietly pressed down on his trembling hand, and used the ink to cover the elegant handwriting.

He was incredibly meticulous with every stroke, as if with each stroke, that person was deeply etched into his heart, over and over again. Even tearing out his heart wouldn't erase that memory.

When he wasn't serving Liu Qingtang, Qin Shu would dip his fingers in water and trace the characters on the table, trying to recall and copy them. He desperately wanted to write characters like hers and see her look at him with satisfaction.

At night, lying in bed, he would unconsciously trace the words he had written during the day on the quilt, repeatedly recalling every moment he spent with the Empress Dowager, before he could finally fall asleep peacefully.

In the middle of the night, when all was quiet, a commotion suddenly broke out in the inner palace of Cixi Palace.

Qin Shu was awakened by a series of urgent knocks on the door. When the young eunuch frantically told him that the Empress Dowager had suddenly developed a high fever and that the two maids, Zhuiyi and Taoye, from the inner palace wanted him to accompany the Empress, he only hesitated for a moment before hurriedly getting out of bed and heading out. After taking a few steps, he was stopped by the young eunuch and realized that he was only wearing his undergarments. He quickly turned back, put on his clothes, and rushed out.

His belt was tied haphazardly, and his hat wasn't on properly. But Qin Shu, who always paid the most attention to these things, didn't notice at all. His mind was still replaying the little eunuch's words about the Empress Dowager's persistent high fever, and his steps quickened. He stumbled down the steps, hitting his toe, but Qin Shu ignored the pain.

He rushed to the Empress Dowager's bedchamber and saw her sleeping with her eyes closed behind the curtains, while two of her favored maids bustled about in an orderly fashion. Only then did Qin Shu feel something was amiss. He had been too anxious to think about it before, but now that he thought about it, even if the Empress Dowager was ill, it wouldn't be his place as a mere eunuch to care for her. So why had he been summoned?

The question was quickly answered. Zhuiyi, the head palace maid who was in charge of the Empress Dowager's daily life and bedchamber, came out and explained in a low voice, "The Empress Dowager has a high fever and is unconscious. She was talking nonsense just now, calling out the name of Liu Guozhang and... your name. That's why we called you here. Go and serve the Empress Dowager now."

As Zhuiyi spoke, her gaze towards Qin Shu became more inquisitive and complex. Initially, she was simply puzzled by her mistress's sudden closeness to Qin Shu, but now, seeing that her mistress was calling his name even while unconscious, she couldn't help but reassess Qin Shu's value in her mistress's heart.

Even though she was very close to her master, she dared not probe his thoughts. Zhuiyi had witnessed the changes in her master these past few days, and the complexity in her heart was indescribable. She couldn't believe her own bold guess, but now it seemed that the most unlikely guess might actually be true.

Her mistress, the Empress Dowager, actually favored such a eunuch. With a complicated expression, Zhuiyi let Qin Shu go into the inner room to take good care of him, and then called another head palace maid, Taoye, to go to the Cixi Palace gate to welcome the imperial physician, leaving Qin Shu some space.

Qin Shu reached out and parted the thick curtains to enter, staring blankly at the unconscious Liu Qingtang.

The Empress Dowager kept calling his name while she was unconscious, and the impact of that sentence on him was undoubtedly enormous. He couldn't imagine why the Empress Dowager would call his name under such circumstances.

He feared that once he harbored such desires, he would lose control and mistakenly believe that the Empress Dowager also had...those feelings for him. This illusion was too dangerous; it would harm the Empress Dowager.

"Qin Shu..." The person on the bed, with eyes closed and brows furrowed, murmured unconsciously, instantly causing Qin Shu's mind to go blank.

The barely audible sound felt like a heavy stone pressing down on his heart, making it hard for him to breathe and causing him to gasp for air.

"Qin Shu".

Upon hearing her call again, Qin Shu's legs went weak, and he knelt on the footstool. He placed his hands on the edge of the bed, very close to hers, but dared not touch them. In the end, he could only clench his fists, look at her face, and reply in a trembling voice, "This servant is here, Your Majesty, Qin Shu is here."

Author's Note: Ata threw a landmine.

A truly lazy person threw a landmine.

LoveIce threw a landmine

[Thanks for throwing this grenade! You've gone to so much trouble, come on, let me give you a hundred kisses! (づ￣3￣)づ]

Speaking of which, I suddenly felt like changing the title to "The Empress Dowager's Culinary Delights," but if I actually did, the editor would probably beat me up, haha~ so I can only say it and leave it at that ┑(￣Д￣)┍ But I really think this name is amazing!