Back to Arada·Upper

I was locked up at home, and Uncle Zhang came to deliver meals to me every day.Two days ago I went on a hunger strike to resist, and on the third day I was so hungry that I ate.I ate and cried, as if I were a captive who had been tortured and beaten, so humiliated that I wanted to die.

A few days later, grandma suddenly came.I can't beat Uncle Zhang, and it doesn't seem difficult to slip away from grandma's nose.So while she was cooking in the kitchen, I walked slowly to the door.But she found out while holding the doorknob.

"Yuanyuan." Grandma stood at the kitchen door holding a spatula.

"Grandma, I..." I burst into tears instantly, and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand indiscriminately.

She ran over and grabbed my wrist, and wiped my tears with a tissue: "Don't rub your eyes."

My other hand never left the doorknob, but I couldn't unscrew it either.

"Eat first," she pushed me to the dining table and sat down, and walked to the kitchen by herself, the sound of cooking almost covered her voice, "I'll go when I'm full."

I was stunned, just sobbing, unable to say a word.

She put the dishes on the table, stuffed a pair of chopsticks into my hands, and patted my back: "Eat."

Holding the bowl of grilled rice, I don't know how many tears dripped into it.

After I finished eating, grandma came over with a backpack and helped me carry it: "I packed some clothes for you, you can't just leave without taking anything."

The corner of my mouth couldn't help pulling down, she gently touched my face, sighed softly: "Little poor, don't cry." Then she told me, "Put the card and change in the innermost mezzanine Put it back when you’re done using it, don’t throw it around, the password of the card is your birthday in reverse.”

I nodded, went out and walked in again, hugging my grandma in my arms.She stroked my hair and said softly, "Go ahead, call grandma if you have anything to do. If it's particularly urgent, you should call the police directly, after all grandma can't move instantly."

I cried and laughed and said thank you so much and I have nothing else to say.

I didn't know where he would go, so I could only find places where he had traces, so I returned to Shanghai.I didn't have any hope, the world is so big, how easy it is for him to disappear before my eyes, my search behavior is just to give myself an explanation.

But I didn't expect him to appear in front of my eyes as soon as I opened the door of the house we rented.

He still had the bag of cat food in his hand and turned to look at me as I entered the door.

I didn't think about anything, I rushed over and hugged him immediately, the cat food bag slipped from his hand and spilled all over the floor.Pig King came over and meowed twice, then lowered his head to eat his cat food.

He didn't hug me back, but he didn't push me away, he waited for me to let go.

My throat was choked, and the tone of my voice was ugly: "You scared me to death... I thought you were gone..."

He knelt down to put away the extra cat food, and said, "I'm going to leave. I'll leave when you come back, otherwise the cat will starve to death."

I froze in place and couldn't move. I saw him walk into the bedroom and come out pushing a big box.

I rushed over and grabbed his arm: "Don't go, please..."

He pushed me away, and I hugged me up again. This went back and forth many times.I finally lost my mind completely, and threw up like a lunatic.I snatched his box, opened it, and threw out everything inside one by one, shouting hysterically as I threw it: "Let you go! I'll see how you go!"

Seeing the clothes flying around and listening to the "dingling, clanging" sounds of various objects hitting the ground, my movements gradually slowed down, my legs became numb, and I fell to the ground, covering my face and crying loudly.

I sobbed and looked up at him, and he was standing a few steps away, looking at me expressionlessly.

"Why? Is there any problem that we can't solve together...Why do you want to do this...You obviously said that you like me...I can feel that you love me too...Is it okay if you love me? Why do you want to leave I……"

He looked at me for a while, then started picking things up and putting them back in the boxes.He put one back, and I threw it out again, as if only doing so would trap him in this step, even if he was told to leave.

But he was still picking up things, and said at the same time: "The night I didn't go back in the first year of high school, your dad also went to my house." He chuckled, and his movements stopped for a few seconds before returning to normal. I'm becoming my dad."

I yelled: "I don't want to hear it! Don't tell me this! It has nothing to do with me. I just want to know us, and that's enough to know you and me!"

He walked back to the bedroom, sat in front of me with the first aid kit, spread my fingers on his palm, and disinfected me with a cotton swab dipped in alcohol.It was only then that I realized that the wound on my hand had opened somehow.

His movements were meticulous and slow, and he kept his head down: "Your dad said a lot, all about him and my dad. They are from the same hometown and grew up together. My dad took the initiative. They may be in love, but you must be better than me." Understand better, what is more important to your dad than love."

"But my dad is not. He is a weak and naive person who accepts death. Since you can't choose him, you should let him go completely. Procrastination will only give him hope, and make him despair again and again. He is so willing to be Your father has been tortured for nearly ten years."

He put my other hand on his knee: "No matter how strong a person is, he can't stand it, so he committed suicide. I believe that the bond between people and the world is connected by "hope", his being Polished, not even my presence is powerful enough for him."

He stood up again and started packing his things again.This time I didn't stop it because I didn't dare.

"I don't love you, I've always pretended. You've been pestering me during that time, making me think I can use you to get revenge on your dad. It's over now. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry."

I shook my head, shaking my head like crazy: "Impossible, impossible, impossible!" I slapped the ground desperately with both hands, "How can my feeling be wrong? How can love be acted out...it can't be faked Ah... I don't believe that you don't love me..." I crawled over and grabbed his clothes, "Isn't it all settled now? You're done with revenge, have you vented enough? I'm willing to be used by you, and I I don't care, as long as you don't say such things, don't leave me..."

He squatted down slowly, still looking at me calmly: "Yuanyuan, you always say that you are stupid, but you are not stupid, you are very smart. You have the ability to perceive the outside world that many people do not have, but you always put Facts that don’t meet your expectations are covered with a black cloth, thinking that you don’t exist because you can’t see them, and constructing a “perfect” world that you think is a deception. You are only willing to accept things that you can accept, using stupidity as an excuse. "

My cry was a hundred times louder than his voice, but I could still hear every word he said, "In your cognition, facts and intentions are confused, and you never distinguish between "yes" and "yes"." "Should be". Now that I'm telling you the truth, you think I'm lying and you get angry, scream, and refuse to accept it."

"Then let me tell you again, I never loved you, everything is just taking advantage of you, I'm sorry."

His words lingered in my ears like a mantra, crowding out the rest of my head.

What's the matter with him?I used to love his calmness the most, but now why do I hate him so much.I wish he was as crazy as me, and it would be nice to show some flaws that I could use to fight back, but he was so calm and impeccable, as if he was really just stating the facts.

I remained motionless like a monk meditating, closed my eyes and fell into darkness, listening to him pack his luggage and leave.

Not a while after he left, I got up in a trance and ran out barefoot.I saw him at the gate of the community, I didn't dare to catch up with him, and kept a distance of more than ten meters from him.

It's not easy to take a taxi here, you have to walk to the next intersection.

I followed him until I saw him get into a taxi.I forced myself to turn around, tears flowed out, I have tears facing the wind.

I thought at least I sent him off myself, maybe that way I could pretend I accepted his departure.