almond

The financial elective class on Saturday came on time. This was the first time that Zuo Rong felt nervous because of a class.

Kong Feicheng was still the same, so shining, so polite, so unreasonable.

Zuo Rong thought about Lu Li several times, and wanted to meet Kong Feicheng's eyes several times.But when he saw the pair of eyes that concealed all his emotions, he felt guilty, and his eyes began to drift unconsciously.

As a result, after the whole class, I failed to look at each other for three seconds once, and my head went blank, and I couldn't think about the problem at all.

Zuo Rong secretly scolded himself for being useless, and the sense of powerlessness engulfed him again.

No one favored by heaven can accept loss of control calmly. When the satellite that should be revolving around them suddenly goes out of orbit, they will be restless and restless.

But now, he is shrouded in such anxiety, and now his fear is greater than his expectation for this relationship.

On Sunday night, there was a small indoor concert in a bar in Houhai, which was performed by a small famous rock band.Zuo Rong heard about this from the bartender on Zuo Le's birthday, and immediately decided to go.

No one else in the dorm liked rock, so he drove to the bar by himself.This place is quite lively, much bigger than the place where Zuo Le celebrated his birthday.

When he arrived, many men and women with heavy makeup had already gathered here, and he was wearing a turtleneck sweater and a woolen coat, which was out of place with other people.

In the eyes of others, he is not "rock" at all.

Zuo Rong has always felt that, in fact, rock and roll has never died, and music will always be fresh. In different eras, different types of music stand out.

What is really dead is everyone's soul that purely pursues music.

People put too many additional conditions on music, but lost the original heart, and thus had too many prejudices.

No one wants to hear a muscular guy in a tank top full of tattoos play the violin, and no one wants to believe that a well-behaved student loves industrial metal.

However, in the song list of this three-good student, 37.5 is the most frequently played.

Zuo Rong stood quietly in the back row alone, watching the performance start, listening to a song being played and sung.

He doesn't shake his head with others, and doesn't rely on alcohol and nicotine to boost his emotions. All he cares about is music.

The dizzying lights, the dirty air, the leather outfits of those on stage, and the exaggerated makeup, what a classic "rock" stereotype.As if without these elements, rock is no longer rock.

"Birdcage logic." Looking at the intricate lights and shadows in front of him, Zuo Rong thought of these four words.

A beautiful birdcage hung in the room, but it was empty, people always asked where the bird was, no one thought it was just a decoration.

Zuo Rong never thinks that he is immune to vulgarity. The human group he belongs to always likes to think about problems with inertial thinking. The result of over-interpretation is to ignore the essence of things.

He likes simple and clean dress, and his words and deeds are always elegant and decent.It is such a "Raphael" style birdcage, where a bird born from steam lives.The cage and the bird do not change each other, they live in harmony.

He enjoyed the performance earnestly, and it was good to watch from the beginning to the end.The music being played ushered in a climax, and the people in the audience were more excited than before, and even started to commotion.

Although he was as far away from the crowd as possible, he was inevitably shoved a few times, and someone behind him slammed into his back.

He turned around reflexively and gave him a hand, the man managed to stand still, raised his head and thanked him.

The two looked at each other, only to realize that the other party turned out to be an acquaintance.

Zuo Rong's breathing was stagnant, such a face, except for Kong Feicheng, probably no one else could grow it.

At such a small indoor rock concert, what is the probability of meeting a suspected crush, and he is also a violin player?Zuo Rong couldn't give an answer for a while, but felt that fate was really mysterious.

"Zuo Rong? Why are you here?" Although Kong Feicheng was puzzled, he still maintained a good upbringing and took the initiative to start a conversation.

The two moved to a more remote place and sat down on the sofa.

"I'm here to listen to music, Assistant Professor Kong, do you also... like rock?" Zuo Rong asked him.

Kong Feicheng smiled and said: "Yeah, I didn't see it. But you are also hiding it, and thought you would like classical music. It seems that our tastes are quite similar."

Yes, they are quite similar, they are all cold-blooded animals lacking in emotion.

Zuo Rong thought so in his heart, but said: "I saw you play the violin at the welcome party before, but I really didn't expect you to like rock and roll."

It suddenly occurred to him that before, he always felt that there was something lacking in Kong Feicheng's violin, but now that he thought about it, he finally realized that he was probably the same as himself, lacking in love for this instrument and this genre of music.

That being said, the two are really similar.

They sat side by side on a loveseat, not far apart.The temperature in the bar is not low. Both of them took off their coats just now, and now their body temperature easily passes through the pores of the sweaters, communicating with each other.With a slight movement, the backs of the hands touched together, and the temperature of the small piece of skin touched instantly rose to 37.2 degrees Celsius.

When Zuo Rong turned his head, he found that the other party was looking at him with great interest, as if he wanted to see through himself, and there was an annoying confidence in that look.

He subconsciously wanted to avoid, but suddenly thought of Lu Li's words, so he gritted his teeth and looked at each other.The answer to the question always needs to be known, and now is a good time.

The moment the eyes met, Kong Feicheng felt a little surprised. He didn't expect the child to look at him so firmly. This made him suddenly dazed, and the banter in his eyes dissipated a bit.

Zuo Rong forced himself not to look away, looking at those eyes that were extraordinarily clear in the feasting and feasting, he felt that he was crazy.

Those pupils obviously built such a deep city, but now he only thinks it is cute, as if there is a spring in it, no matter how much filth falls into it, it will be washed away.

"Love is blind, and lovers can't see it." He thought Shakespeare was a philosopher.The salt in Salzburg turns Stendhal's branches into works of art, and the people who watch the moon together make the moonlight of Haruki Murakami extraordinarily beautiful. Xi Shi is in the eye of the beholder, and a crow is like a writing desk.

All these contents that seemed illogical before became logical in this one look.

This is probably the "halo effect".

When you preconceivedly think that a person is good, his good qualities are like the halo of the moon, spreading around, thus covering other bad parts.

Kong Feicheng has many obvious shortcomings, but they are completely covered by the light of these eyes.

This is a generalized cognitive obstacle, but at this moment, Zuo Rong felt that Kong Feicheng was not surrounded by a halo, but that he himself was the light source.

Want to hug him?

miss you.

Want to kiss him?

miss you.

Want to sleep with him?

Can't wait for it to be now.

Zuo Rong suppressed the evil fire in his heart, took a deep breath, and said to him, "Assistant Kong, I offended you."

Kong Feicheng hadn't figured out what happened in the past few seconds, why did the child say such a nonsensical remark, and was about to ask what happened, but his lips were suddenly sealed by him.

It was the first time for Zuo Rong to do this kind of thing, he followed the guidance of instinct, and kissed roughly and without any rules.

The experience of this kiss was not as good as in the dream. The lips of the two were trembling from beginning to end, one was because of nervousness and the other was because of shock.

But after all, he didn't dare to open his mouth to taste, whether this person is sweet or not.

It took Kong Feicheng a full ten seconds to recover from the shock of having her first kiss taken away, and immediately pushed him away without any strength in her hands.

Zuo Rong was pushed and fell backwards, his back hit the armrest of the sofa hard, and he felt an obvious dull pain through the thick sponge.

Kong Feicheng beside him was pouring down a glass of ice water, his hands were still shaking.

Seeing him like this, Zuo Rong suddenly felt distressed.His brain gradually woke up, and only then did he realize what he had done.

"Assistant Kong..." He called out tentatively, and for some reason, he even sounded a little crying.

"You, like men?" Kong Feicheng's voice was trembling.

Zuo Rong didn't expect that a person who usually looks so invulnerable and nonchalant would be so frightened by a kiss, making him even more insignificant.

"I... like you." His voice sounded like a child who did something wrong.

Kong Feicheng laughed back angrily, "I am a man."

Zuo Rong also realized that he seemed to have said something stupid, and quickly explained: "What I mean is, I only like you, and I have never liked anyone else, no matter whether it is male or female."

Kong Feicheng forced herself to calm down, absolutely not to panic, and not to show any flaws.

He said in a calm voice: "Student Zuo Rong, I understand what you mean, but I like women, so I'm sorry, but I can't respond to you. Both of us are grown men, and there is no one who suffers, so today I will It can be treated as if it never happened.”

He stood up, put on his coat and said to him: "That's it, I'll go first, you continue to enjoy the music, goodbye." He left the bar without looking back.

Zuo Rong felt lost, but now he knew the answer, he really liked Kong Feicheng.But thinking about it now, he probably doesn't want to talk to himself anymore.

This price is a bit high, so big that it makes him feel sad.The sadness that he hadn't felt for a long time suddenly surged up, making his throat tight.

Kong Feicheng's condition was even worse, and he was still in a daze when he walked to the parking lot.She has always boasted that she is invulnerable to all poisons, but was kissed by a young boy who has just grown up.

He has experienced countless pursuits since he was a child, both men and women, and many men were interested in him during the years of studying in the United States.

But he never accepted anyone, not because he hated homosexuality, but because he realized his sexual orientation prematurely.

I have received a good education since I was a child, and I have a free and open mind. I am not surprised by "homosexuality", let alone being one of them.

But it was this kind of recognition that made him feel scared. The more he liked men, the more he would force himself to get close to women.

His family looks glamorous, with parents raising their eyebrows, and the children are very upbeat. No matter how you look at it, it should be a harmonious and happy model family.

But Kong Feicheng knew that under such a shell, what was hidden was the truth of the disharmony between the husband and wife and the lack of love for the children.

Mingming was riddled with holes early in the morning, but the three of them relied on years of tacit understanding to support them.Trembling, like walking on thin ice.

For as long as he can remember, his family memories are of always busy parents and a big empty house.

Mom and Dad made a complete work and rest schedule for him, making full use of every minute.Reading, practicing the piano, learning English, writing calligraphy... He couldn't remember how many things he had to do every day when he was five or six years old. He only remembered that he had to squeeze time to go to the toilet.

But all of this would not be so difficult if he was accompanied by his parents, but from beginning to end, there was only one nanny at home with him.She looked like she was in her 50s, with a constant look of numbness on her face.

Dad will come back every day before going to bed to check whether his tasks for the day have been completed.And my mother doesn't go home very often, and I often don't see her once a week. I heard that she always likes to stay in the laboratory.

Sometimes standing on the balcony and playing the piano, he would see children of the same age in the park downstairs.They all had their parents by their side, they were bouncing around, having fun, and smiling.

He envies, he yearns for, and he wants to destroy the beauty that he can't get.

The first time he had this terrible idea, he was taken aback.Since then, he has started to study harder, which is voluntary.

Because he believes that human nature is evil, and everyone is born with all kinds of dirty and dark thoughts.Children are the cruelest creatures in the world. They always say the most hurtful things in innocent language.

He can only instill a lot of knowledge, morality and law in himself to remind himself how high the cost of crime is and how much the cost is, so as to suppress his abnormal desires.

But he gradually discovered that the more books he read, the more dark thoughts he had in his heart, which ebbed and flowed and emerged endlessly.

It took him a long time to realize the crux of the problem. When analyzing human nature with himself as an example, he didn't realize how much his family had affected him.

His parents are childhood sweethearts, and their family conditions are very good. Anyone who looks at it will think that this is a well-matched and good marriage.Even he himself once thought so, thinking that his parents didn't accompany him just because he was busy.

The turning point of things came when I was in junior high school.One day when he was looking for information at home, he accidentally found a notebook with a black cover. It looked old, and he opened it with curiosity.

After reading a few pages, he found that this was his father's diary when he was young.

The long-term ideological and moral construction has constantly reminded him that it is wrong to spy on other people's privacy, even if it is his own father.But for a while, desire still defeated reason, and he really wanted to know what was written in it.

Not long after, he finished reading the diary.

He did know a lot of secrets, but he regretted the decision he just made.

It would have been fine if it hadn't been opened, and it would have been fine if one's willpower had been firmer.

Written in 1989, the year before his parents got married, the diary records his father's affair with a man.

But that person's name never appeared from the beginning to the end, just "he" was used instead.Even in such a private diary, his father tried his best to protect him.

One after another, they are actually common things, no different from other couples in love, except that the protagonists are two men.

The diary came to an abrupt end in September, and what happened afterwards is unknown.

But these were enough for him to understand that it was a man who meddled in the feelings of his parents' childhood sweethearts. Even if the parents still got married and had children later, the relationship between them had long since changed.

It was a man, a hateful homosexual who took away his supposedly happy family.

From then on, he began to pay attention to the men around his father, from colleagues to students, but he didn't find anything tricky.The man in the diary seems to have never appeared.

But one day, by chance, he found himself reacting to a poster of a men's underwear model.At that moment, he felt that the world collapsed.The perfect family that I have always longed for seems to be getting further and further away, becoming more and more out of reach.

He began to avoid the issue of his own orientation, trying to stay as far away from boys as possible so as not to get distracted.

But some things are like weeds, a wildfire can't burn them out at all, and it will only grow more savagely inadvertently, with roots entangled in the heart, making him feel suffocated.

He has always been surrounded by excellent suitors, but fortunately he has never been tempted.He also forced himself to pursue women, but it always ended without a problem.Those soft cocks did not arouse his interest at all.

During the years of studying in the United States, he met a good friend named Zuo Yi.The other party is also Chinese, and he is even a college alumnus who has never met in four years. The three views of the two are extremely compatible, and they always have a good conversation.

At first, he was very glad that he could get along with the man without any distractions, but one day, the other party made a lovely girlfriend, and he felt inexplicable jealousy when he found out.

From then on, he began to deliberately alienate Zuo Yi, using his busy studies to dilute his unrealistic thoughts.

Later, when he returned to China, Zuo Yi stayed in school to study for a Ph. D., and the interaction between the two was limited to social software. With the ocean and time difference between them, no matter how much Xiao Xiao thought became illusory, he was finally able to get along with each other calmly.

Excellent personal conditions allowed him to quickly find a job in China, and the professors in the university also strongly invited him to return to the school to teach.Although he didn't want to make himself so busy, he finally accepted the invitation to be a part-time teaching assistant and came to the university where his parents worked.

On his first day at school, his car broke down in the parking lot.By chance, he met that Venus-like woman.

This is the first time he has become interested in a person of the opposite sex.

There are too many things in her that she longs for but cannot get. She is free, enthusiastic and optimistic, and her eyes are brave enough to break through the shackles of the world at any time.

But later he realized that it was her boyish wildness that attracted him at that moment.

He struck up a conversation with the routine he learned from his classmates, and successfully got the contact information.He hoped so much that he could grasp this woman who fascinated him, develop her into a marriage partner, and realize his wish of having a beautiful family.

Everything should have gone smoothly, if only I hadn't met that boy...

In the first elective class, he saw the boy sitting in the middle of the third row at a glance. For no other reason, he was too dazzling.

The young man obviously had a gentle face, but his eyes were full of impatience and unruliness, which set off his facial features even more sharply.

Everyone wants to give the little prince the best things in the world, but he doesn't care about anything.He was so cold, so distant, yet irrationally radiated like the sun.

He admitted that he was attracted, and his peripheral vision always stayed on the boy.She didn't dare to look at him openly, and she was unwilling not to look at him.

He knew that he should stay away, but his feet seemed to have taken root, and he couldn't move an inch.

And that boy was still approaching him, which made him feel an unprecedented sense of oppression.

Later they were kidnapped because of the boy's cousin, Venus whom he met in the parking lot.

The minute I helped the teenager bite off the tape, my memory is vague.His rationality was completely defeated, the desire in his heart was clamoring, and his body obeyed the primitive impulse, so he leaned forward.

Although he teased the boy with closed eyes, he admitted that he really wanted to kiss him.

When he was rescued by the boy's cousin, he found that he had lost interest in that woman, and the indifferent and stubborn boy was attacking the city in his heart with great fanfare.

This uneasiness has continued without any sign of abating. Every time he sees the teenager in class, he must expend a lot of energy to hide his emotions.

Until this evening, the boy came up to him and kissed him.

Probably because of the loud music and chaotic lights, all consciousness was paralyzed.The face of the young man who was close at hand looked much gentler than usual, and this casual kiss seemed to be tainted with the aroma of red wine.

His beating heart was beating like a war drum, but it was announcing the fall of his city and retreating steadily.In the end, the general who fought bloody battles broke the boat and apologized with death.

He pushed the boy away, said something he should have said long ago, and turned to leave.

The person surnamed Zuo is so powerful that he can get himself killed three times.

Love is metaphysical, but oneself is always a slave to form.

The author has something to say: In fact, Assistant Professor Kong’s psychological barrier also comes from his family. He was tempted early on, but he has been avoiding it all the time.

ps: 37.5 is a domestic industrial metal band with a very avant-garde and bold style