ninety-nine twelve

Recently, my appetite has been poor. I didn't eat at night, so I feel a little hungry now. When I was thinking about ordering a takeaway or going to take a shower first, Zhang Tianle came.

I didn't hear the sound of him opening the door and entering the room. We didn't meet each other in the living room until he walked into the living room and I walked out the door. As expected, we looked at each other without saying a word.

The moment I first met him head-on, I even wanted to hide a little bit. I was used to his uninvited visits. I even gave him the keys on my own initiative, but this time his uninvited visits made me Feeling overwhelmed.

Zhang Tianle was carrying a bag on one shoulder, and the cold air brought in from the outside was still exuding on his body, his ears were red from the cold, my heart trembled, I turned my head away, and said firstly: "Is it cold?"

Zhang Tianle just stood a few steps away from me, unable to see what kind of emotion it was, and answered "not cold" bluntly.

I sighed inaudibly, I always couldn't bear him, "Go sit down, I'll turn on the heating."

"No need," Zhang Tianle stopped me and took a step closer, "Don't you have anything to say to me?"

I stopped and looked back at Zhang Tianle. I wondered if I was thinking too much, but there was a hint of anticipation in his aggressive tone. I couldn't figure out what he meant, so I asked, "What do you want to hear? "

"Anything is fine."

"I'll be on vacation after school tomorrow, have you decided when to leave?"

Probably because I didn't say what he wanted to hear, Zhang Tianle didn't reply.

I had no choice but to continue to say: "In the end, this week was pretty easy. There will be no evening study tomorrow, and no class on Saturday." After I finished speaking, the answer to me was still silence. I bit the meat in my mouth, feeling a little tired Say, "What the hell do you want to hear?"

I looked at Zhang Tianle, and Zhang Tianle also looked at me. After confronting each other for a long time, he restrained his sharpness, and his whole body softened, "Ayu, I'm sorry, I... didn't react very well that day, and my attitude was a bit aggressive. Now, don't take it to heart."

I couldn't understand his apology, so I responded with an "um" for the time being, feeling a little anxious in my heart.

He cleared his throat unnaturally, stretched out his hand to touch his nose, and said, "Ayu, I think, let's talk about it frankly. I've thought about it. This kind of thing... After all, I've never encountered it before. Why? To put it bluntly, I was a little...surprised, but then I thought about it, and it doesn't matter, you are my good brother, I definitely can't turn against you because of this kind of thing, and I can't say it's disgusting, I just think, yes It's not that something is not right, that's why..."

"What do you want to say? Just say it." The more I listened, the more I felt something was wrong. I probably guessed what he meant, and my heart was half cold.

Zhang Tianle did not express dissatisfaction with my interruption, but pursed his lips in embarrassment, looking a little distressed, as if looking for suitable words, "I want to say, there are many kinds of likes, two people stay together for a long time, It's easy to have illusions, but the two of us are... so impossible, like I like you too, but not that kind of like, do you understand what I mean? I don't know if it's because I'm too annoying. I just pester you, so that you may be... too used to having me alone, or because you are now in the third year of high school, although we have classes together every day, I may not understand the pressure of your third year in high school, maybe you just need A person like me to help you distract, or a spiritual support? Anyway, whatever, I think, that is, your feelings are wrong... your feelings are not what you think. "

Zhang Tianle finished talking endlessly, staring at me without blinking, but I just opened my mouth, speechless.

He frowned, as if he hated iron and steel, and said eagerly: "Ayu, don't, don't be so stubborn, let's have a good talk, you can tell me what you think, we need to communicate , we can work together to find a way to solve this problem, if you don't cooperate, I don't know how to help you."

"Help me? What do you want to help me?" I looked at Zhang Tianle, he said every word so that I couldn't laugh or cry. My feelings for him really seemed to him a problem that needed to be solved.

Maybe it was my reaction that made him think he had said something wrong, he shook his head annoyedly, "No, no." After that, he sighed for a long time, and it took a long time for him to speak again: "Ayu, I'm here this week. It's been a bad time. When I calm down, all I can think about is this. I don't understand why we have become like this. Was it not good before? You are my best friend here, and I don't want ours The relationship has deteriorated, and I...wouldn't like men, do you understand?"

I nodded silently, I really couldn't think of anything else to say, I didn't want him to change anything, let alone want him to like men, I don't necessarily like men myself, why bother to be so sensitive and rush to label .

But Zhang Tianle seemed to be discouraged, and asked after a while: "So you still like men, don't you?"

"I don't know, maybe, maybe not, is it important?" I turned my head away, feeling a little annoyed, and didn't want to talk to him about this topic.How did I have a good week this week? I did it myself, I admit it, but this matter really doesn’t need to be too far-fetched. I don’t know if I would like other men without Zhang Tianle, or after Zhang Tianle , Will I like other men, but what is the significance of these to him and now.

Zhang Tianle twitched the corner of his mouth inexplicably, "Does it have to be me?"

He wasn't asking me at all, but forcing me to say no. Fortunately, in the worst case, everyone can be happy again.

He looked around, then raised his eyes and glanced at me, "Why don't you speak."

"What do you want to hear?"

"I want to hear the truth."

I nodded and was about to speak when Zhang Tianle interrupted me and looked at me meaningfully, "We'll talk after you think it over."

I nodded again, "I've made up my mind, do you still want to hear it?"

Zhang Tianle probably didn't expect me to have such a calm and domineering attitude, so he finally snorted, and without waiting for my answer, his one-way questioning became sharp: "Isn't it good to be a friend? Be a friend Not good, do you have to be a girlfriend?"

I met his gaze and kept my mouth shut, as if this had become the only way I could protect myself.I said I had a good idea, but if he gave me a chance to speak, I wouldn’t be able to say anything. I never wanted to explain something to him. What I thought was a wall I was going to hit. , It is the black road I want to go to the end, it is my absolute insistence on not making excuses, my feelings should be what they are, it is not shameful.

Seeing that I didn't speak again, Zhang Tianle's eyes flickered, his head tilted and the corners of his mouth twitched, and he looked at me with both a smile and a smile, "You should be so happy when I broke up, right?"

"No wonder you are so active in training with me, accompany me out of the shadow of broken love, do you want to be a substitute?"

"You have been with me for so long and treated me so well, should I bend for you too?"

I didn't expect Zhang Tianle to think this way, to say such a thing, I don't understand how he managed to change from the hard-working persuasion, saving, and goodwill in the last second to the blunt and ruthless slander in this second.Of course it is easy to tell a lie, I just need to say no, this matter can be used as a joke from now on, Zhang Tianle and I are good buddies who do not break the rules, but I am speechless for every sarcasm he makes, I don’t know what to say , where to start, or if I just opened my mouth it would only add fuel to the fire, so I chose not to speak.Silence doesn't mean I acquiesce, but obviously Zhang Tianle doesn't think so. In his eyes, my silence probably becomes an acquiescence that is hard to say and ashamed to admit.

"What exactly do you like about me?"

"Well then, what do you want?"

"Do you want to be with me?"

Zhang Tianle threw a series of questions over, before I had time to think, he asked the next one like a cannonball, I don't know if he was really angry or didn't want to give me a chance to speak out, when the last question came, I shook silently Shake your head.

So he sneered again, "Then why did you tell me?"

This seems to be a relatively simple question at last, and my answer is finally no longer I don’t know. I recalled the scene at that time, and I just felt inexplicable, "I can’t help it, so I just said it, do you believe it?" After a pause, I continued: "I don't want to lie to you, I don't want to pretend to lie, I don't want to wait until one day you find out first, and I can't justify myself, I don't want to become a bad person, I don't want to be dissatisfied."

I don't want to become a bad person who will be jealous, provocative, and have ill will against you. I don't want to feel dissatisfied because I can't monopolize you or let you only look at me.That day when I chatted with Liang Shuyun with his mobile phone in his capacity, I still feel scared when I think about it now. If he really let me chat with him, I don’t know what I will say to Liang Shuyun.

This time it was Zhang Tianle who had nothing to say to me.

"Tianle, I didn't want to be with you." I hid my hands behind my back and clenched my fists secretly to prevent it from shaking too much.

It's not that I don't want to, it's that I haven't dared to think about it, but does he believe it?

Zhang Tianle raised his neck, let out a long breath, then looked at me, and said, "Wu Haoyu, I don't like you. I might still like you, but it's completely different from what you call liking. I don't know what kind of love you have for me now. I don't want to know what kind of confusing feeling I have, anyway, I don't like you, not at all."

I think I must like Zhang Tianle too much, otherwise his every word would not make me so sad.

Then he seemed to remember something, and suddenly said, "Give me back the school uniform."

I didn't realize it all at once, my face was puzzled, and I understood it immediately. After a while, I didn't say anything in the end. I went back to my room and took out my school uniform and handed it to him.

No wonder……

At that time, I followed the method of cleaning marker marks provided on the Internet, and after more than two hours, I finally left a light gray mark after washing. It seemed that diluted ink was splashed and melted. If you don’t look carefully, it is just a stain.But before I had the chance to return the cleaned school uniform to him, Zhang Tianle had already put on a new school uniform, and my lies were blunt and full of flaws, for the sake of self-esteem, and a little bit of selfishness and greed, and then I kept this little bit of selfishness and greed in the closet, but I didn't expect Zhang Tianle to find out.

It's my own fault that I can't live.

Zhang Tianle looked at me coldly, and said angrily: "It started from now on, right?"

I raised my head, with a desperate expression on my face, and answered in as calm a voice as possible: "Yes."

My frankness seemed to choke him so much that he didn't know what to say. He tore off his school uniform and left without looking back.

With the sound of wooden and iron doors closing one after another, the air returned to calm. I looked at the closed door and dared to say: "...No."

If only I could tell when it started.

This time is not like the time in elementary school, when a classmate and an annoying person were transferred away, I was too happy to be happy.This time Zhang Tianle took what belonged to him and left. As soon as the door was closed, my friendship and my liking were nothing.

Should I cry, but feel better.

After Zhang Tianle left, I sat at the dining table for a long time without eating or taking a shower.

My mind was as empty as if it had been formatted, but at the same time it was cluttered and about to explode.I always think of many things in a flash, the reunion with Zhang Tianle, getting along with elementary school, the girlfriends I had, the third year of high school, the college entrance examination, the homework due tomorrow, the arrangement of the winter vacation... and the liking for Zhang Tianle and the dissatisfaction just now parted ways.

I was tired from sitting, so I went back to bed and lay down.It was really cold in winter. I slept with my clothes on and covered my head with a quilt. My face was very hot, but my body was always cold.I didn't sleep well this time, I woke up several times in the middle of the night, and I was spinning when I went to the kitchen to drink water.

The next morning, the wake-up alarm at seven o'clock rang as usual. I was half asleep and half awake, and my eyelids were so heavy that I couldn't open them.The alarm clock on the mobile phone keeps ringing, I think I must get up right away, go to school, meet Zhang Tianle, tell him I'm sorry I was joking, and then we can have lunch together at noon, and go for a run with him after school...

And when I finally sat up from the bed, it was almost noon after eleven o'clock. I looked at the phone for a long time before confirming the time. The anxiety in my heart turned into boredom. I didn't care about so much, my temples were swollen and painful, I rolled over and got out of bed, put on my school uniform, thinking that at least I could attend the afternoon class.I sat in the living room and waited for the takeaway to arrive. I swallowed the common cold medicines, anti-inflammatory medicines, painkillers, and painkillers I collected. After barely eating, I still felt uncomfortable, so I planned to lie down on the sofa for a while. My eyes hurt, my head hurts, my whole body hurts, and my heart hurts.

When I was more awake again, it was evening again, and I woke up to the sound of high heels hitting the floor. My mother walked over hurriedly, stretched out her hand to pull me up, and let go when it touched my neck. He touched my forehead with the back of his hand, "What's going on, I'm confused, have you taken any medicine?" After that, let me continue to lie down, while I went to look for medicine in the drawer.

I propped myself up and sat up, trying to talk to her, the room was too quiet, only the sound of her walking back and forth.I haven't spoken all day, and my voice is probably very hoarse. I opened my mouth and wanted to tell her that I had taken the medicine, but I finally closed my mouth dejectedly.

My mother brought the thermometer and the medicine, and went back to the house to find a blanket and put it on for me. I took the water she handed over and took a sip, "It's so hot."

"It just needs to be hot. You should drink hot water and sweat now. After taking the medicine, drink two cups. Go back to bed and lie down to cover the sweat. Get some sleep and you'll be fine tomorrow. Your homeroom teacher will call you in the afternoon." Give it to me, I was still thinking about something serious, and I didn’t answer your phone calls. When I came here to see that you were burnt like this, you were still lying on the sofa in such a cold day, and you didn’t know how to cover yourself with less clothes. Things, why don't you pay attention to your body?"

"Why did you suddenly have a fever? Didn't you feel fine yesterday afternoon? Has your throat hurt these days?"

"You are nervous about studying now, and you have to eat on time and wear more clothes when you are cold. You should pay attention to yourself, or call me. You see, you don't care about yourself, and you don't contact me in time. If you catch a cold, no one will help you." Take care of you, can you not get sick?"

"Now it's just a holiday, so you should stay at home and rest completely. You've been nervous for a semester, and it's time to relax."

"I was really scared to death. I didn't make a sound calling for you when I entered the door. I thought no one was there. I wondered where you were going because you were not at home or at school."

"Your dad will come back next Tuesday, just in time for thirty. You said his ticket is not dangerous this time."

"Okay, I'm going to cook. You can read the temperature yourself later. If you are energetic, you can take a shower, take more hot water, and go to the cold. I will call you later when I have dinner."

"It's okay, it's a big deal." My mother patted me on the back, "How many times have I had a fever since I was a child, drink plenty of water, sleep more, and I'll be fine tomorrow."

I took a deep breath, opened my swollen eyes hard, and rolled my eyes.

Yes, it's okay, it's a big deal.

I took a shower and came to the kitchen wrapped in a down jacket, where my mother was busy, "Do you want me to help you?"

"No, you go out and drink hot water, keep drinking hot water."

"Yeah." I nodded, listened to my mother's nagging, and was about to go back to the living room. After a pause, I turned around and called her: "Mom."

"Hey."

"I want to go home."

"Today? Let's forget about today. What time is it now? You have a fever again. Don't worry about it. Get a good night's sleep tonight. Get up early tomorrow morning. You have to eat the leftovers here, otherwise I just put it away, and I will pack up the things I want to take back at night, I won’t return today, I will return tomorrow.”

I nodded again, not planning to say anything more, my mother has her reasons.

I'm not bad this night either.

I went back to the living room, leaned back on the sofa, stared at the ceiling, my head was empty, my eyes were swollen.

When I was in a daze, I thought about taking a step back, thinking about admitting my mistake, and there was still time to stop the loss in time. It was really my big mistake. What’s the difficulty in holding it in my heart? What’s the difficulty in making a joke and fooling the past of.But now that I'm sober, after the hard work, I know I won't bow my head. It's not that I can't take back the words, but I'm twisting, but I just don't take it back.

There was only one message from Zhang Tianle in the afternoon on the phone, asking me if I was okay. When I woke up and saw it just now, I was in a daze of not knowing what year it was.

I want to be good for him in everything, but I don't want to go his way in this matter.

He is not my hazy exploration, strayed lost, random sustenance, he is not my life-saving straw, he is the person I really like.

what do i want...

I like Zhang Tianle, it seems that I started to like Zhang Tianle at a relatively early age, I don’t know why, I can’t tell what is particularly good about him, and I don’t think there is anything about him that fits the type I like, even the gender is wrong, but I’m pretty Like him, want to stay with him, want to see him more, want to talk to him, want to listen to him, want to share with him, want to bear with him, want to protect him, want to be friends with him, want to see him Laugh, want to be nice to him.

See, it's all "I think" when I say it casually, and I claim to want nothing, no wonder he doesn't believe it.

Maybe I really have a plan.

After dinner, I went back to my room and fell asleep. I really slept peacefully. Zhang Tianle walked cleanly and thoroughly, and never returned to my dream.