Totem

Wang Maoyun is on the plane to Vancouver.The lights dimmed, and the stewardess passed by. Seeing that her face was not looking good, she asked her if she needed an extra blanket, "There is more."

Wang Maoyun forced a smile and shook his head. Since he couldn't speak, he had to politely show the stewardess the thick clothes he carried and used as a blanket on his body.Seeing the woolen autumn clothes, the stewardess was slightly surprised, but she couldn't ask any further questions, so she said goodbye and left with a smile.Wang Maoyun continued to close his eyes, trying to sleep.

But it was so painful that I couldn't sleep.Pain shut the door on sleep and dragged her into other quagmire.She is very familiar with this feeling, so she simply adjusted her posture and lay flat at an altitude of 2019 meters. In the spring of 19, she thought about the past 18 years. She met Cao Mingzi when she was 2000 years old, that was in 2000.Ah, [-].

The head hurts, like a vajra circle, and the person who chanted the mantra was not Cao Mingzi, but herself.

Some people suffer from drowsiness, the doctor said, and some people suffer from insomnia at the beginning and then become lethargic, very few.

I'm one of those few, she thought.

There will also be loss of consciousness, the doctor said.

I might forget a lot of things, she thought.

But I won't forget you, Akiko.I will never forget you.Because once you forget you, you have to forget yourself too.

In 2000, she was admitted to Beijing from her hometown.The results of the college entrance examination are very good, and she is also happy and unhappy.She loved someone back then, and that person probably knew it too.It would be better if you never knew, because that would save you a lot of guessing and avoiding each other.That person is smart—otherwise Wang Maoyun wouldn't like her—he guessed it a little bit.After all, one person will not be so kind to another person for no reason.At that time, Wang Maoyun didn't learn not to disturb completely.That person knew that he could neither accept it nor refuse it sternly, so he hid from Wang Maoyun.

It's like deceiving a cancer patient by not telling him that he has cancer, which is at an incurable terminal stage. It is said that he is trying his best to treat it, but in fact it is trying to delay you as much as possible.

Hide, hide, until the end of the college entrance examination, Wang Maoyun did not see each other, but received a text message on the mobile phone before the college entrance examination, asking her to prepare for the exam, and wish her high school.She is in high school, but still can't find each other.She sighed that she must not be strong enough, otherwise the other party would not be like this—as if she believes that the other party is so noble and intelligent, but at the same time thinks that this person must have the same requirements for power and fame as for her partner.So when the result came out, she felt that she was qualified to meet that person.

The man never saw her after all.She used to wait downstairs for the other party, but she didn't stay for too long, and finally felt rejected and left.

Many years later, Wang Maoyun understood that it was also a kind of love.It's just that this kind of love cannot be equal to the love I have for that person.

Many years later, Wang Maoyun met this person again on the streets of his hometown.At that time, she was on the way to dinner with her elderly adoptive mother. While walking across the open road, she saw the person standing on the other side of the zebra crossing. Wasn't it the person she had loved so heartbreakingly when she was young?After growing up and going through the world, she has already become a better person, even the appearance of the person she loves in her memories no longer makes her worship.

So love is over.

She knew that the man's daughter was healthy and her job was going well, and she also knew that the man had gone to Tibet by bicycle, but she never thought that the man had gained weight.

But this person is also middle-aged, isn't middle-aged gaining weight inevitable?It's like birth, old age, sickness and death.

The man was on the phone while looking around, his eyes swept over Wang Maoyun, but his eyes didn't meet, let alone recognize him.

The reunion of the two turned out to be like this, Wang Maoyun was only dazed for a second, then moved on, hurried past the man.Thinking of the pain back then, the beeping phones that didn’t work late at night, the complicated letters that couldn’t be delivered, and the well-practiced pen writing: as warm as emotion, as cold as it is, as much love as it is pain, all When I see the victim of love again after the past, my consciousness has to transition from "this person looks familiar" before I can remember which file in my heart that face belongs to.

She was speechless.

When I entered the university campus with a scar, I was not withdrawn and loved to laugh, but it seemed that I was less enthusiastic about the fresh surroundings than others.In the new century, everyone feels that they have bid farewell to the past because of the change of the era, almost like cutting off with a knife.It seems that Wang Maoyun is the only one who feels that he has come from the past, sloppy, turning around every step.

In club activities, Wang Maoyun was not particularly interested in the student union. She would rather stay away from those things, so she chose the drama club.Maybe people fell in love with her in the first test because of her appearance, but she wanted to write.Writing is the only outlet she has.Written in a repertoire, she can communicate with the audience without communicating, and those who communicate with her do not need to enter her heart.She is safe and quiet.

It was at the drama club that she met Cao Mingzi.

The seniors and sisters of the drama club are ambitious, and they will use the strength of the freshmen this year to arrange and perform more times.For this they want people, and good enough people.The directors fell in love with Wang Maoyun, who could play Romeo as well as Juliet, but this freshman wanted to be a screenwriter; the screenwriters responded to her request with the literati attitude that has remained unchanged for thousands of years, but they were also willing to have multiple helpers: disputes No, the president's mediation failed, and Cao Mingzi, who is also qualified as a veteran, was invited.

Wang Maoyun remembered that it was a messy study room, except for the one where they were sitting, the rest of the tables and chairs were slumped to the side.Among a row of "interviewers", Cao Mingzi did not sit in the middle, nor was he the first to speak.She didn't even see her at first glance.

Then she saw her, and never forgot.

Wang Maoyun still refused the offer to become an actor at first, and the director continued to persuade him with all his strength, so he almost didn't betray the bad intentions of the screenwriters.When the screenwriters spoke, they evaded the words, Wang Maoyun felt strange, at this time Cao Mingzi spoke with a smile——Wang Maoyun will never forget Cao Mingzi's voice at that time, light and gentle , pleasing to the ear:

"Let me ask a question. If," Wang Maoyun saw Cao Mingzi looking at himself with calm eyes, "if you were a screenwriter, what would you like to write a story about?"

Wang Maoyun thought for a while and said, "I want to write a story about saying goodbye."

Cao Mingzi nodded for her to continue talking.

"A...a middle-aged man and his lover for many years. His lover doesn't love him, but he has never given up. The two have experienced beautiful days and very difficult days together, such as the Great Depression. The man has never Leaving the woman, the woman never agreed. Then everything was fine, but the man was tired, and the strongest competitor appeared, and the man knew that he should leave. The last scene should be that the two sat in the stove Talking and drinking by the fire, the woman soon fell asleep. The man decided to leave her at that moment. He was very reluctant, so he took off his coat and covered the woman. Then he left."

After she finished speaking, for a while, no one spoke.She was a little embarrassed, so she looked at Cao Mingzi, only Cao Mingzi was nodding.

She didn't write the play until she left.Drama clubs have produced many dramas with various colors and meanings, but this one is not there.Her life had changed after all.When she first entered college, she occasionally dreamed of the streets of her hometown and the man's downstairs.After entering the society, she no longer dreamed, her dream finally had another projection, and finally projected on Cao Mingzi.

In 2008, when the two were lying side by side, she said to Cao Mingzi, "You know what? At that time, you were like moonlight, shining in from the only window in my heart."

"Yo? Who said it was during the drama rehearsal?" Cao Mingzi laughed.

"That's when I fell in love with you." Wang Maoyun replied, "It shines in like moonlight. You know that I am such a person who is not easy to be sure and not easy to give up. Huh?"

She kissed Cao Mingzi on the forehead, and Cao Mingzi smiled.

When Cao Mingzi was in his senior year and Wang Maoyun was in his sophomore year, he already knew that Cao Mingzi was the heroine who called the wind and rain, and was one of the veterans who brought the drama club back from decline to peak.So, together with other students who were taken care of by Cao Mingzi, they tailored a slightly modified version of "Love in a Fallen City" for Cao Mingzi.It was during those days that Wang Maoyun spent almost all day with Cao Mingzi.Cao Mingzi has always favored her, she knew it, but she didn't know that Cao Mingzi liked the part of her that resembled her; so she took advantage of Cao Mingzi's favor and worked hard to get close to Cao Mingzi, and found an excuse, and the other party didn't feel disgusted How nice it is to chat, she wants to know everything, she would rather Cao Mingzi know everything about herself.She even did most of the production work by herself, she just wanted to give Cao Mingzi the best graduation gift she could.

At the final curtain call, she saw Cao Mingzi's crystal clear tears and cried herself.In the background, Cao Mingzi thanked her, and she asked Cao Mingzi—she was afraid of the answer, so she saved the question for the last—is the graduation destination set?

"Stay in Beijing. Come and play with me often."

The Bering Sea can be seen from the porthole on the left, which Wang Maoyun saw last time.At this moment, the pain made her unable to reach out, let alone look at it.

What about your family?the doctor asked.

I am an orphan.My adoptive mother has long since passed away.I have no relatives in this world.she says.

The doctor was silent.

It's okay, I'll take care of it, don't worry.she says.

In the dark, she thought of the streets and alleys in Beijing back then, and her adoptive mother was very rich, and she might be raised to compensate for a certain part of her psychological loss, that's all.So he doted on her very much. At that time, her life was far better than that of Cao Mingzi who had just worked.After discovering this, she often went to find Cao Mingzi, either with an excuse to have a meal with Cao Mingzi and then secretly settle the bill, or to bring things to Cao Mingzi—except for food and drink, there were also imported goods at that time. Maybelline Cosmetics.An old bicycle rattled when it was ridden.When she didn't need to pick up Cao Mingzi, she just rode casually, without feeling ashamed or dangerous at all.However, when the need arises, she immediately buys a new one.

Why was it so stupid at that time, why was it so good at that time, after a long time, she no longer thought about these issues, no longer draw meaningless conclusions to her actions at that time, no longer make any evaluation of this story, they are just memories .

They celebrated Beijing's successful bid for the Olympic Games together, encountered a sandstorm raid outdoors together, and drank Erguotou together at a mutton restaurant. During SARS in 03, the adoptive mother was very worried about Wang Maoyun, and Wang Maoyun was very worried about Cao Mingzi, not about himself, and even volunteered to do many things for Cao Mingzi, running around Beijing.

In the corridor full of the smell of disinfectant, she held the hot pot ingredients in both hands, waiting for Cao Mingzi to open the door.

Cao Mingzi opened the door.Wearing a mask, Wang Maoyun saw her smile.

In 2017, when Wang Maoyun went to Canada to see Cao Mingzi for the first time, the two met at the Sylviahotel.Wang Maoyun left the key card for Cao Mingzi at the front desk.When she returned to her room, she wanted to knock on the door, but knew that Cao Mingzi would not open it again.

After Cao Mingzi left, she drank quietly at the bar alone.For a moment, I was in a trance, thinking that I was drinking in other places, such as a certain residence in Beijing, a hotel bar in some other part of the world, or downstairs in the building where Cao Mingzi used to work.It turns out that I often do these things, always in such a state, before Cao Mingzi arrives or after he leaves, she sits at the bar and has a drink, thinking of Cao Mingzi in her heart.

There was a sudden tingling of the scalp, followed by a sharp tingling, and then dizziness.

Is this fate?she thinks.But what can be called fate?

The author has something to say: Who said I was an abusive author?

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