after confessing to him

"Gu Yaocheng!" I stopped him, "Do you have to be so cruel? Don't listen, I won't listen!"

After finishing speaking, I don't know where the infinite power came from. I shook off his shackles, stood up, and ran outside without looking back. The whole world was spinning in my sight, with no sense of direction at all.

He really doesn't love me!

He doesn't love me because it's hard to accept being gay in this society, and I know that.

He doesn't love me because it's for the good of both of us, I know that.

He doesn't love me more because he doesn't love me in the first place, even if I'm a girl, he doesn't necessarily love me... right?

I don’t know how long I’ve been running, but I ran resolutely along the long bank, panting and breathing in the bitter cold air, and when my whole lungs were about to explode due to the cold air, I fell powerlessly and sat down. riverside.

The winter night wind blows on me, and the wine is already half awake.

Along the river, neon lights of various colors illuminate the river water of Hei Junjun, and the lighthouse in the distance flickers in the mist, as if everything is in a deep sleep.

I sat on the steps by the shore, looking at the rolling barrenness, the turmoil in my heart gradually calmed down.

He told me his true thoughts so resolutely and clearly, then I can delete the ambiguous little thoughts, and at the same time, I can simply be his best friend, isn't it good?

Why would I abuse myself so out of control?

But I am not reconciled, somewhere in my heart hides the hope that "he may love me", which is the driving force behind my love for him and my confession to him regardless of other people's eyes.This unrealistic hope was put into a crystal clear glass and hidden away, but I always knew it was there, and at certain moments, it was even more important to me than oxygen.

But today, the moment I heard Gu Yaocheng's words, the glass shattered, and the angular tip pierced my fragile heart, throwing me into the endless abyss.

Suddenly someone patted my shoulder, I thought it was Gu Yaocheng, I turned my head in surprise and found that it was the handsome teacher I just met.

He was punched by Gu Yaocheng in the bar. Fortunately, he didn't seem to be injured, but there was a layer of fine beads of sweat on his forehead. It seemed that he had been chasing me for a long time.

"How about it? Come and chase me into the room?" I said.

"Hehe, you can still joke, it seems to be fine." He sat next to me, "I thought you were going to commit suicide by jumping into the river!"

"Suicide? I hate suicide the most in this world. Suicide can indeed end the suffering of life, but it leaves debts, responsibilities, and pain to relatives and friends. It is not responsible at all."

"You know a lot of truths! Then don't worry about me, go away/room!" He put his coat on me.

"Open your sister!"

"..." He lowered his head lightly, "Love is a tormenting thing. It's like a tattoo. The more you love, the deeper it gets."

I looked at his thoughtful expression suspiciously, maybe he also has some hard-won stories.

"So, if you want to protect yourself, don't be honest," he said.

I don't agree, but I don't refute. I just look at the swaying river and silently settle.

Thinking quietly like this, I stood up in the middle of the night and planned to go home. The handsome teacher said he was worried that I would go home alone, so he called a taxi to take me back.I tiptoedly opened the door and walked into the house. I suddenly wanted to see my mother's sleeping face, so I walked into her bedroom.

She was still turning on the wall lamp, and the exhaustion of a day's work made her often fall asleep. Obviously, my return did not wake her up.I sat by the bed, under the dim light of the wall lamp, I watched my mother's sleeping face, she exhaled slowly, and slept extremely deeply, with a smile on the corner of her mouth, as if she had dreamed of something fun.

is it about meOr about the dead dad?

I gently stroked my mother's face along the hairline, and she seemed to be a little older after not seeing her for a few days.Yes, Gu Yaocheng and I are good friends. Although my mother is not an old-fashioned person, if I let my mother know that her son likes boys, I am afraid that there is no mother who will not be furious. Maybe she will use a feather duster to break my dick leg.

Just then, I caught a glimpse of an old photo on the bedside table next to me.

Is it mom and dad?I am very curious.Because in this family, I almost never heard my mother take the initiative to mention my father, as if my father did not exist at all, and I just jumped out of a crack in the rock.

I picked it up and looked at it with the faint light of the wall lamp.

I froze suddenly.

Because the two people in the photo...

I put down the photo in disbelief, and escaped from my mother's bedroom with a guilty conscience.

No, it can never be true!

Although the photo has already turned yellow as if it was covered with a mist, it can still be seen that it is the mother when she was young, with the nose of the airplane that was popular at that time, and the person standing next to her is actually Uncle Gu , that is, Gu Yaocheng's father, don't ask me how to tell the difference, Uncle Gu looked too much like Gu Yaocheng when he was young.

The background seems to be the East Lake more than 20 years ago, with rows of willows and sparkling water. My mother and Uncle Gu are standing under the shade of the willows, holding hands together. My mother has a shy smile on her face, while Uncle Gu is open-minded. Stand up straight.

A picture like this alone doesn't say anything, indeed.

But this photo has written a few lines——

Wang Yu: I like your smile, please smile to me every day.Gu Wei.

My wild imagination is especially active in the stillness of the night.

I was lying on the bed, under the covers, my thoughts exploding in my head.

This kind of bloody plot can never happen to me!But every detail is questionable.

Gu Yaocheng has no mother since he was a child, and I have never seen my father since I was a child, so could he and I be brothers who have never met?

Even if not, there must be some kind of predestined bond between us.

……

Carrying all kinds of conspiracy theory-like whimsical ideas, I fell asleep in a daze, and when I woke up, I was dizzy and very tired. Fortunately, my mother was already at work, otherwise I would definitely pester her to ask for clarification. Afraid of hearing facts that I can't accept.

After a few days of being in a daze, I saw Gu Yaocheng again on the day when I returned to school after the New Year's holiday. I walked into the classroom and sat down. From the corner of my eye, I saw him chatting with my deskmate Zhou Haitao. He didn't look at me. , or he didn't notice that I had come to the class at all.

He never saw me.

"How is New Year's Day? Did you miss me?" At this moment, a high-pitched and thin voice rang in my ears.

It's Lu Simeng.

"What a fart." I was in a bad mood.

She laughed at herself: "Yes, why would you miss me? You must be thinking of Gu Yaocheng."

Although most of my classmates don't believe that I love Gu Yaocheng, there are still a few exceptions, such as her.

The first time I noticed Lu Simeng was at the New Year's Eve party in the first year of high school.Because she wasn't pretty enough, when she came on stage, the boys below were all laughing.She was a little nervous, but she tried her best to turn a deaf ear and sang by herself, which was very beautiful. After two or three lines of lyrics, everyone started to listen quietly.

At that time, I watched her every move, those expressions mixed with self-confidence and inferiority, were too similar to me, so I gradually became familiar with her.

Her grades are terrible, she likes to pretend to be cute when she sings, she is private and super masculine, violent and savage... She has a lot of shortcomings, but I played with her unconsciously and experienced many unpredictable things, Although most of the time my existence is somewhat inexplicable.

For example, when she broke up with her friend Shao Yuwei in the first year of high school; for example, when she was pushed into the men's room by the boring boys in our class; for example, when she found the recording studio next to the school; for example, when she was bored and wanted to find someone to chat with; Boys from other classes chase; for example, she doesn't know when her buttocks are wet with blood...

In short, we became good friends, and even in the first semester of high school, she resolutely transferred with me to the current high school class two and five.

But one day, just like I confessed to Gu Yaocheng abruptly, she confessed to me.

I didn't expect that the girl whom I have always regarded as a "good buddy" would like me. I told her that this kind of joke can't be messed up.She hastened to say that she meant it.

Since then, our relationship has become unnatural. For more than a month, I didn't know how to face her.In the end, she seemed to be unable to bear it anymore, and came to me and told me that she was just joking and wanted to go back to the past with me.I nodded, and we were back in the old days.But this "before" is no longer that "before".

I know we can never go back to the way we were.

I didn't bother to glance at her, and took out the homework books of each subject on my own, and prepared to hand them in to the class representative.

But Lu Simeng snatched my Chinese weekly diary and opened it.

Haha, it's full of anecdotes that happened between me and Gu Yaocheng. Although I'm willing to hand it over to the Chinese teacher for review, it doesn't mean that anyone can read it!

"Are you annoying, give it back to me!" I stood up and grabbed the notebook for that week.

Lu Simeng and I dodged left and right as if playing a game, enjoying it, laughing harshly, shaking my eardrums to the point of collapsing.

"If you do this again, I'll turn my back on you." I threatened.

"Come and grab it!" But she continued to shout like she didn't hear anything.

I didn't have any intention of playing anymore, so I yelled angrily in front of the whole class:

"roll--"

This is a phrase I often say to her.When she annoys me, I don't hesitate to blurt it out.I used to cherish this female friend very much, but as the friendship deteriorated, I gradually rejected any contact with her.

At that moment, time stood still, and I could feel that many students stopped what they were doing or what they were about to say, and looked at her.Then, under the watchful eyes of everyone in the class, she threw the weekly diary on my desk and fled in a hurry.

I looked at the back of her running away, and I felt a familiar feeling, as if I saw the back of myself leaving lonely and disappointed.But I shook my head, sat down cruelly, and ordered myself not to think about anything, even though I just hurt a girl who liked me.

Hu Jiaqi at the same table is a good friend of Lu Simeng, and she is looking at me sullenly at the moment.

I pretended to be calm and stupid: "Why?"

Hu Jiaqi smiled inexplicably, and leaned closer to me, so close that I could even hear her breathing.

She yelled in anger in her dantian——

"roll!"

The whole class froze in an instant, and looked back at me one after another, as if I had done something heinous and unforgivable.I was at a loss as to what to do, and under those sharp gazes, I was so nervous that I didn't move, waiting for those scorching gazes to leave my body.

When I found that few people were paying attention to our side, Hu Jiaqi suddenly tugged on my cuff.I looked at her puzzled, but didn't want to ask, to be exact, a little afraid to talk to her again.

"You felt very uncomfortable just now, didn't you feel uncomfortable, was looked at by so many people like that, hehe, finally tasted this kind of feeling, now, don't you dare to take the initiative to talk to me?" She calmly said.

"..."

"Do you know? Whenever you say 'fuck off' to Lu Simeng, she feels the same as you at this time, even worse than your current mood. Just think about it if your beloved Gu Yaocheng said 'fuck off' to you , what will happen to you? You will be even more unhappy than now, maybe even desperate!"

"..." Yeah, that would make me want to die.

"Heh, do you know how much courage she has to muster to stand up and talk to you again? Why do you compare, and how can you push her to the ground again and again when she is struggling to stand up?"

"..."

She taught me: "You don't understand anything, you are selfish like a fool, you only know those boring homework, you only care about your feelings for others, you feel sorry for yourself every day, and you forget that there are people around you who will care about you. Do you understand or not! You big idiot!"

I silently lowered my head and whispered, "I'm sorry."

"Idiot." Hu Jiaqi spat, "You're not sorry for me!"

Today, it can be said that Hu Jiaqi and I broke the ice. She, who has always been outgoing, told me a lot of her heart.Until many years later, she and I had completely different life trajectories, and those words of hers still exist in my memory, deeply shocking me.

she says:

"Yin Xiangyang, Lu Simeng has always loved you very much. I asked her why she liked you so obsessively. She said she didn't know. She is very similar to you but very different. You can clearly explain your love , but she can't, she likes you chaotically and complicatedly. I agree with her very much, just like I don't know why I have sex with that boy in the small room of the cafeteria."

How would you feel when a girl you just got acquainted with told her dirty past?Just admire her heroism and courage?

of course not.

I listen quietly.

"At that time, I was only in the first year of high school, and he committed a crime in Guangzhou. After coming to W city, he was in the first year of high school, where the whole class was full of fifteen or sixteen-year-old students. The first time I saw the melancholy him, There is a certain unknown desire in my mind, I can't tell what kind of feelings I have for him, but the point is that I ate the forbidden fruit with him..."

When she told me about her past, I suddenly felt solemn, and I suddenly had the urge to hug her, to hold her in my arms, rub her hair, and say, "Cry if you want to cry."

But she has always been calm, as if she was telling someone else's story, as if that period of the past could no longer cause a ripple in her heart.

Immediately my impression of her changed greatly because of her narrative.