[Shenya] Aphasia

If love is a briar growing on the edge of a cliff, would you dare to climb it at the risk of being stabbed or even falling into the valley?

If your lover is a timid mermaid hiding in the deep sea, are you willing to endure the cold and darkness and dive down to bring him out to experience the vast world?

The mobile phone on the coffee table flickered, showing a new message from an unfamiliar number.

In the blink of an eye, Kanda has lived alone in this house for two weeks.The house had never seemed so empty to him two weeks ago, and it was even annoyingly crowded at times.But looking around now, all the limbs and bones are vying to convey their unaccustomed.

There should be a person nestled in the single fabric sofa on the left, hugging the rhombus pillow in his arms for a nap, someone should be poking his head into the kitchen door, someone should be squatting in front of the cabinet looking for snacks, someone should be searching at the bar Ground coffee or open a wine bottle, someone at the table should secretly dip their fingers in the cream of the cake, put it in their mouth and lick it...

Missing is an unreasonable emotion. It does not show mountains or dews on weekdays, and it does not have a pattern with any factors other than the depth of emotion, but it rises in the loneliest time and makes people suffocate.

A book of Elizabeth Browning's poems was accidentally placed in Allen's snack den, and Kanda discovered that the poem the boy sang along to at Christmas was a passage from "Portuguese Sonnets".This beautiful British poetess created these 44 Shang Lai poems with all her life's enthusiasm, and dedicated them to her lover and love who saved her life.

He found that a page had been folded by the owner of the book. On this page was the well-known song "How I Love You".

"I love you freely, as people choose the path of justice

I love you purely like people shy away from praise

I love you with me in old grief

used that passion, and childhood allegiance

I love you with a love I thought was lost

— along with my lost saints

I love you with your breath, your smile, your tears and your life

as long as god allows

In death I love you only more deeply"

Kanda's hands trembled a little.He can manage his own academic world with painstaking efforts, and burn the lights in the classroom for three days and two nights for an important thesis, but he has never been so shocked by his own timidity, and what he never bothers to mention, this kind of life and soul is the measure The emotions that make human beings so pious and clean.

How much courage did it give that kid to stand up and be hurt by himself?

He stared at the new message on the phone screen for a while, then dialed the old professor's phone.

"What's the matter, Kanda?" The voice over there sounded very surprised. As a student, I never called him unless there was an important matter in my studies. "You failed in your new project?"

"I got some elements wrong, and it's clear now," Kanda took a deep breath, stroking the poetry collection on his lap with his fingers, "I'm going to start over."

The professor fell silent, and let out a faint sigh.

"Kanda, if you can't succeed this time, don't try."

Kanda was stunned, and then began to carefully imagine the state of mind of another failure. Just imagining it is inevitable that his heart will surge.But he believes that as long as the love of the other party is not extinguished, his heart is strong enough to withstand the blow of countless rejections.

"You don't have to worry about me..."

"Oh no, no, you made a mistake," the professor said seriously, "I'm worried about whether the subject is important enough to you."

Startled, Kanda clenched his free hand into a fist.

After hanging up the phone, he began to question himself in various ways how important Allen Walker was to him.This is actually an extremely cruel self-dissection process. Many people will find that the dissected self is contrary to expectations. When they are at a loss and panic, they collapse and separate.

When you saw him, did you feel like you loosened the tight strings in your heart, and felt that everything in life was finally on the right track?

When you hurt him, do you feel more pain than him, and after he is relieved, your pain lasts longer?

When you are trusted and relied on by him, do you feel that your heart is like an empty bowl filled with steaming creamy soup, and you want to keep the temperature forever?

When you see him happy, do you look disdainful on your face, but the satisfaction is exposed at the corners of your mouth and sinks deeper and deeper?

Are you eager to find your own shadow in his pupils?

Do you want to own every inch of his skin and all his expressions?

Do you want to hide him in your pocket so that no one will see it, but proudly hope that everyone will know his brilliance?

……

Kanda bent down and buried his face deeply in his palms.

If it wasn't for the neighbors on the left and right, he would really like to yell out at this moment—he, Yu Kanda, an ordinary student who was submerged in the wave of studying abroad, in a strange country where his relatives and friends did not have a word, to a person of a different race On the contrary, people of the same gender have an inexplicable love that no one can understand.

The overwhelming sense of helplessness captured this young man who knew nothing about emotions. He was bewildered by the darkness in front of him, and the future was out of control.

It was obviously disgusting at first, but when did such feelings start to grow quietly and overflow?

It took him a long time to understand that from the time when the boy bent down to feed the swans, when he knelt down to buy Starbucks for the children, when he rolled up the scarf to make nests for the birds, there was a warm and gentle light in his eyes every time When the time comes, this kind of love begins to grow quietly, until it surpasses the antipathy, until it is irreversible.Kanda Yu is naturally attracted to such a person, because the other person has everything that he does not have, including enviable love.

Love is irresistible, love is the will of the gods.

"What do you want to ask me, Xiaoyou?"

Alma was sitting on a park bench when she said this, squinting at the man standing by the river with his back turned to him.Kanda doesn't like to talk to him very much, not because he is unfriendly, but because of his oral English level, he is at a loss for the unique accent of this young man from Northern Ireland who can never straighten his tongue.

This is a young man with a very romantic artistic spirit. His paintings are always extravagant and surging, just like the tide driven by gravity after a planet passes by.

But Alma himself has a bright and gentle personality, and sometimes Kanda even thinks that he and the host's shadow can overlap.

At the moment, he is humming a song on the bench. Kanda often heard him sing this song in the dormitory, and also played it in the record store in front of the school. It is "The Ferryboat Crossing the River Mersey" by Gerry & the Pacemakers.His voice was long and long when he sang "Andhere I'llstay", as if he was about to flow away with the gurgling river in front of him, so Kanda felt as if he was about to be swept away.

Kanda was surprised that they were so similar, they both had a root in their hearts, and Alma's root followed the Mersey River into the Irish Sea and was planted in the soil of the small island opposite.

And his, far away and empty, difficult to rely on.

"Life is one great tragedy!"

After the last note fell, Alma stepped forward and stretched.

"Does Xiaoyou know, your neighbor—there is an old saying in China: The dead are like a man, never giving up day and night." He pointed to the Mersey River, "Every raindrop that gathers the spiritual energy of heaven and earth falls into the river and rushes into the sea. Death, The eternal sea."

Kanda tried hard to distinguish the meaning of the other party's rapid-fire Northern Ireland speech, and thought of a sentence he had read before: People start to die from birth.

"But I left home, crossed the Irish Sea, went up the Mersey, and stationed here," Alma seemed to be saying to herself, "Why are humans so stubborn?"

"Because there is enthusiasm and ideals here," he smiled, and replied to himself, "There are Turner, William Hogarth, Reynolds, and Blanche here...there is the confidence that I am willing to exchange with courage. .”

Kanda turned to look at him.

"What question does Xiaoyou want to ask me?" Alma repeated, looking at the hazy sky, "You are more persistent and better than me. Can my answer protect your quality? Or do you need my What about courage?"

He scratched the back of his head embarrassingly: "Let's ask, do you like this place?"

"I don't like it." Kanda accepted the conversation being taken away, honestly.

He doesn't like it here.Yu Kanda, the individual, is at odds with England, they don't understand each other, and they don't try to understand each other.He can find any reason to express his dislike, such as the huge cumulonimbus cloud overhead that is about to smash the city, such as the fact that he does not have an umbrella.

If you want to add a crime, there is nothing to worry about.Why not try to see the city from a different angle?

"Xiaoyou, look, the swan!"

Alma suddenly pointed to the river.

A dozen or so swans perched by the river suddenly spread their wings and took off, like a cloud of snow-white clouds passing by the river, passing by the ferry boats moored by the river, and the towering buildings, leaving a deep impression on the eyes. The next pure silhouette.

"I don't know if it's a professional disease, but I often look at the world with static eyes, whether it's the river with white birds soaring, or the densely packed skyscrapers in the city center, or even Xiaoyou who lights up the night battle in the dormitory," Alma said. He seemed to be in a daze of earnestness, "I don't need a camera, just my eyes. In my eyes, every scene where my gaze stops is a painting - in this way, I feel that no matter where I am, the world is so beautiful .”

Kanda understood what Alma was trying to say.He is saying that he loves this place and loves it as his second home.

What about your enthusiasm and ideals?

A few drops of water stains appeared on the stone road, and then more water stains soaked up, overlapping and wetting the entire road.

Finally it rained.

"The sky after the rain should be clearer, right?"

Alma said loudly with a smile, and ran while grabbing Kanda's sleeve.

"I'm sorry Xiaoyou, I'm too busy talking to myself... What are you going to ask me?"

"... Already forgot!"

Allen pulled up the hood behind the windbreaker and put it on his head.

It is rainy all year round in the UK and can vary from day to day.People always carry umbrellas with them, and naturally there are also lazy people like Allen who like to go out in hooded jackets. This kind of hat is enough to easily block [-]% or [-]% of the rain in England.

The sky was gloomy and silent, and the fine rainwater formed a giant curtain on the river, blurring the vision.

In fact, he doesn't come near the Mersey River very often, but Tiqi suddenly said that his friend opened a new wine club here, and he came here to cheer for his friends.Although Allen claimed to have given up drinking, Tiqi took him in for so long, and he seemed to have no reason to refuse the other party's party invitation.

This club is called "Angels in Distress", a rather religious name.The lobby is arranged in a dark punk style, with crystal ceiling lights in the shape of skulls, beak masks hanging on the wall, stacked gears, and rivets on the outside of the tables and chairs.In the center of the hall, there is a pool of muddy green water surrounded by an old black piano.

Allen felt uncomfortable with this style when he walked into the gate, as if his body was being burned by an invisible dark fire.But the sporadic people in the club seemed to be enjoying it so much that he had to let it go.

The elder brother of the Campbell family played a sad etude by Chopin on the piano quietly. After the song, he smiled and clapped his hands at Allen who was standing aside in a daze: "Allen, do you want to try it?"

Tiqi explained: "Wesley hasn't found a regular band and pianist yet, so he agrees for you to go up and play."

Allen stared at Mana for a while, then shook his head.

The man named Wesley took a leisurely look at the white-haired boy in front of him. This direct look made Allen want to escape from here, and he almost felt that he was about to be seen through.

He felt that he raised his foot involuntarily, walked to the piano, and retracted his hand after knocking a few notes vigorously.

"I'm not feeling well today, just let Mana come." He smiled apologetically at Wesley.

Wesley looked at the cold sweat on his forehead thoughtfully, raised his eyebrows and nodded: "Then you go do it yourself, I'll ask someone to open a bottle of good wine for you."

"Did you do it on purpose?" Wesley asked Tiqi as he walked around in surprise, "You don't seem like someone who would do such a thing."

Tiqi just stretched out his index finger and made a silent gesture.

Allen looked at the light spot reflected from his goblet on the table, Lafite's color was deep and attractive, like a ruby.

It was undeniable that he wanted to get out of here.Unable to arouse any interest in the red wine he once loved most, he was eagerly looking forward to some excuses to take him away from "Angel in Distress", but it was still raining outside, and all excuses seemed a little pale here.

"I heard from Wesley that you don't like it here."

Allen was startled by Rhode's furry head suddenly jumping in front of his eyes. The man who was distracted saw the approaching little face with an unclear smile, and frowned and said, "That guy Tiqi is really No matter the occasion, I will take you anywhere."

"But is there something wrong here?" Rhodes made an innocent expression, "I like this place very much, don't you think it's perfect? ​​Wesley is an excellent decoration designer."

Allen took a deep breath and expressed his disapproval.

Rhodes shrugged, and picked up the glass of Lafite that was still on the table: "And isn't this your favorite red wine? Why don't you try it?" She handed the glass to Allen's mouth, "Everyday, you can drink whatever you want. I can't afford to drink it."

Unbearable, Allen took down the wine glass, pushed away the girl who was almost lying on top of him, and corrected: "I used to like it the most."

He got up and wanted to find a place to breathe, but froze the moment his eyes met the door.An oriental man with long hair, his long black windbreaker was soaked by rain, and his bangs were also soaked and stuck to his forehead, but he didn't seem to care.His eyes were staring at himself, and his emotions were unclear.Standing next to him was his equally wet roommate, half-hid behind him, looking terrified.

"Xiaoyou, can we not hide from the rain here, I feel so uncomfortable here."

Allen felt his feet were nailed to the ground, he forced a smile: "Uh, long time no see?"

He was actually more curious about why Alma was with him than why Kanda came here.The young man obviously felt very uncomfortable here too, which made him feel that Kanda hadn't considered well, why would he forcefully bring his friends to a place he didn't like?

The other party didn't appreciate his stiff greeting at all, and he didn't seem very happy, because the familiar feeling when he rushed forward to grab his arm reminded him of something bad, so he shook it away with all his might.

"Kanda, what are you doing?"

"Follow me." Kanda frowned.He has a clear purpose and never procrastinates.

"What did you say?" Allen thought he heard it wrong, "I'm having a party with my friends. Besides, we also..."

How about it?

He didn't forget Link's words, he didn't forget how much he wanted a reason to leave here last minute, and as for this person, he couldn't forget it.

Followed him away, and then what.Thank him politely for taking me out, and then go back to Tiqi's house alone? ——This is too absurd.

But that's not the point, Allen is afraid, this kind of fear can be seen from the color of his pale lips.The last sliver of contact with Kanda, if he said the wrong thing, might really be severed.Although it made him look down very much, he felt a deep fear in his heart about drawing a line with Kanda.

"Take your friend out of here, now." Allen asked in a calm voice, "Don't you see that he doesn't like it here?"

"Whether he can leave right away depends on you..." Kanda is not a patient person, he began to restrain his anger, "...when will you come with me?"

"He won't go with you."

Rhode poked his head out from the sofa, his calm tone seemed to be stating a fact.

"He and you are just ordinary friends at best-although it seems that they are not even friends now," she said with a giggle, "Allen will not go with you because there is no reason."

Kanda saw the boy stubbornly raised his head to meet his gaze, and acquiesced to Rhodes' words.one

He felt his brain buzzing. He saw the door of the private room on the other side, and Tiki waved at them. He saw Rhode holding a wine glass in one hand and holding Allen in the other, leading him to the private room.The decoration of the private rooms is also very interesting, using scrap iron frames to form round arches, like a row of birdcages placed in the corner of the club hall.

He saw the boy's clenched fists before entering the room, and he heard someone yelling "Xiaoyou" repeatedly in his ear.

He heard the professor's warning in his ear, if he didn't succeed this time, don't try again.

He heard Alma ask if she needed her courage.

"If it's not an ordinary relationship," he heard himself say at last, "is it?"

Allen turned his head slightly, then his shoulders were clasped, and his body was turned around.Before he could say a word, his open mouth was suddenly firmly covered by the other's lips.

Sitting in the private room, Tiqi picked up a glass of red wine and tasted it carefully.

Kanda is so tall that he has never even kissed a kitten or dog before, and the first time he asked for a kiss without a plan was a bit violent.Allen could feel Kanda Yu's worry and anger, eager to take him away from this place, occupying his brain through the intrusive tongue.

I don't know how to express it, so just follow your heart.

As long as it takes him away from that group of people, away from this bloody "angel in distress", whatever he does is fine.

It was the first time for the person being kissed. Allen, who was unconscious due to lack of oxygen, caught a glimpse of Rhodes with an indifferent expression, Mana with wide-eyed eyes, and three other men who seemed to be out of it.His body was bound by Kanda, and the temperature of his hands was as if he had just taken them out of a charcoal fire. Even if he touched the spot lightly, the skin there would be instantly ignited, and the burning pain was still there. Burned out the last bit of consciousness that wanted to push him away.

Allen sadly found that the long-lost contact with Kanda made his body ecstatic.

Kanda quickly ended the messy kiss, hugged the lost boy in his arms, said "excuse me" coldly to the private room, turned and left.

Walking out of the gate, the fine rain immediately covered their hair.

Allen was almost pushed out. He gently broke free from Kanda's arm, pulled off the hood and put it on. The hat was big enough to cover half of his face in front of the other party, but just after covering it, Kanda pulled him away without hesitation. Down.Allen couldn't resist, so he had to put his hands down.

"Why do it?"

"To take you away."

Kanda saw the boy panic for a moment, and then he couldn't hide his disappointment.

"Is that all?"

Suddenly not daring to look directly into Alian's eyes, Kanda lowered his head, and shifted his gloomy gaze to his own cold fingers: "As long as you wish, it is not."

He felt Allen shaking, wondering if the exposure to the rain had given the guy a cold, or something else.What is certain is that he is making a major decision, because he has given him all the decision-making power, waiting for his trial. ∵

What he didn't feel was that this guy was desperately trying to control his beating heart, looking for a way of expression that didn't look so humble or embarrassing.As eager as he was for an answer, Allen longed for his love.

"Kanda, you, you know very well," Allen murmured, "I'm afraid of becoming like this, this feeling of fear has never stopped since the first time you made dessert for me—never Nobody wants to make me a pastry, let alone a birthday cake. I've never had hot milk or honey water before, whether I've been drinking or catching a cold. And yet it's all about you...a man who says he hates me I did it……"

"I never really hated you." Kanda defended.

"How would I know?" Allen couldn't help crying, "Kanda, I'm not as smart as you. I believe whatever you say, good or bad. Suppose one day you say you'll never come back, and then Go out for dinner, and when you come back, you may find me crying and tidying up your room... But is this okay? If I really leave, even if you know that I love you, I love you so much that every diary has your name on it , so what? You don't even know how scared I am..."

"Kiss me again, okay?"

He raised his head and explained hesitantly: "It's just like that just now... It's too reconciled."

A thin layer of moisture slowly appeared in Kanda's eyes, with some remorse and more twinkling surprises, he carefully stretched out his hand and held the other's cheek.

"sorry."

Allen couldn't hold back the tears from falling, and stepped forward, biting his lover's lips.

Kanda caught a glimpse of the gray sky, the same color as his eyes, as beautiful as a painting, so he couldn't help but like this place.

——the city that brought him light and miracles.

-TBC.