I'm still doing fine

At the beginning of the new year, on a quiet morning with light snow, An Yichi called An Jimin again.

One, two... The monotonous electronic signal sound is like the numbers on some kind of time bomb that are gradually approaching zero, causing sudden pain in An Yizhi's temples, and finally stops unexpectedly at a certain moment, and a familiar voice is heard. sound.

"Hey."

"Dad, it's me." An Yichi cleared his throat.

"What's the matter?" There was a moment of silence on the other end, and after hearing the rustling sound, An Jimin's volume increased a bit.

"...How is the new year going?" Guessing his father's mood, An Yichi looked for a soft and euphemistic opening sentence, "I saw the video sent by my aunt, it was very lively, but Yi Qian had a bad cough, and this time he caught a cold Is it serious?"

"After a few days of hanging bottles, it's almost done." An Jimin put on his coat and walked into the living room, "...When it's time to come back, I will come home obediently. I still need someone at home during the Chinese New Year. What does it look like?"

"Yeah." An Yichi picked at a scratch on the table, was speechless for a while, and finally made up his mind to speak, "Dad, I don't have enough money, can you give me some more?"

"How many?"

"Give me [-] for the time being..." An Yichi was uncertain, and his voice became lower and lower, "Is that okay?"

"What are you doing?" An Jimin sat down on the tea table by the bay window and lit a cigarette.

"I'm... a little uncomfortable during the holidays, and the doctor said that I'm going to be hospitalized." An Yichi said, "For short-term treatment, pay the fee for one month first, and then we'll see the situation later."

This time, An Jimin was silent for a long time, and obvious embarrassing facts came to his mind, "Psychiatric hospital?"

"Well... I'm a mental patient." On the side he couldn't see, An Yichi smiled wryly, "Sorry."

After a long time, it was so long that An Yichi took the phone away and double-checked to see if the call interface was still displayed on the screen without being interrupted. I shivered spontaneously.

This sigh seemed familiar. A year ago, his father did the same thing. He paced back and forth a few times, and finally he was full of stubbornness and ridicule. "What kind of doctor do you see for a hypocritical problem? If you don't have An Jia, you haven't had a mental illness!"

"Okay, let's stay here. Tell me if you don't have enough money. Your mother and I will visit you when we are free in a few days." Fortunately, this time, An Jimin finally agreed.

He gave the money and extinguished the half-burned cigarette between his fingers, but he didn't mention any more about asking An Yichi to come home.

A few days later, when Shang Xiaoyun, who finally learned the news, reprimanded him for not taking the child back to the local hospital for treatment and leaving him alone in other places with no one to take care of him, An Jimin came for a long time and left in a huff, "The conditions here can be compared with How about Shuosang, who does he want to take care of? Shame on him! Let him live and come back when he is cured!"

Shang Xiaoyun pursed her lips and stopped talking. After all, it was not her own child, and she was just a powerless woman who was born with a vine, and her rebuttals and worries were very limited in her inner struggle.

So later, it was Liang Duanyuan, who had no blood relationship with him, and was a complete stranger even a few months ago, who accompanied An Yichi to go through all the formalities and was finally admitted to the sixth-floor ward of the Mental Health Building in Shuosang City.

On both sides of the narrow and narrow corridor, An Yizhi lived in a ward for three people each.

Those double-layered glass windows that can only be opened at the width of an arm at most separate the city that is still busy, making the bustling shadows of people outside even more erratic and swaying.

There are people with significant differences between men, women, and children, wearing uniform striped hospital gowns, as if a big hand pressed the pause button, and suddenly they are forced to stop in place, no need to read, work, or do laundry. rice, and there is no need to think about the future.

This place seems to be shrouded in unreasonable laughter in the daytime, mournful crying in the middle of the night, and occasionally a struggling cry from a certain ward during the onset of illness.

But unexpectedly, An Yichi found that this unusual environment no matter how he looked at it, seemed to him like a paradise that could never be found.

He always sleepless at night, here only needs a bottle cap of pills, he can fall asleep on time at 8 o'clock in the evening, and then open his eyes at 6 o'clock in the morning of the next day, without a dream all night.

He is always ashamed to show his physical scars. Here, whether it is a thin girl or a fat man with a bald head, he has the same marks on his bare wrists. In many cases, he can even hear people discussing their past after dinner. What kind of suicide method has been tried... He doesn't seem to be alone anymore.

He always relied on the pain of pinching his palms to support himself when he suddenly fell ill, and he no longer hid in the bathroom to hide desperately. He almost noticed that his heart rate was soaring, and countless patients and nurses came over. Holding his trembling body without hesitation, she persuaded him over and over again, "Cry, it's fine..."

So most of the time, the nurses like this handsome guy who always smiles, he is always obedient and cooperative, and he is easy to talk, which makes people almost have the illusion that he is a normal person.

But there was still a small part of the time, when even the doctor couldn't explain the reason, An Yizhi changed his temper and stubbornly resisted the treatment.

Liang Duanyuan happened to run into it a few times. Through an iron gate, he saw An Yizhi, who was swearing to die in the corridor, was thrown to the ground by the security guards, and forced to swallow the medicine by force. With one hand, he grabbed the floor in vain.

Liang Duanyuan clutched the iron fence, her fingertips turned blue and white, he knew that everything was for the sake of being easy to hold, so he finally resisted making a sound on his face, but in his heart that no one saw, he couldn't help but twitched It hurts.

Just like when you first arrived, the patients in the same room are used to being accompanied by parents, children, or partners, but they have never seen unrelated same-sex friends who can throw away their lives and plunge into the hospital, so they are puzzled , with all kinds of doubts, and always asking for no reason. At this moment, no one can understand the powerlessness in the heart of this big man who seems to have no delicate thoughts.

Therefore, when Liang Duanyuan, who adhered to the three principles of not doing anything wrong, was lucky enough to stand in the ward and witness the whole process of An Yizhi's struggle and resistance, she stepped forward to lift the security guard who was posing, snatched the pill from the nurse's hand and threw it into herself. When he was talking, the sound of heavy breathing in the aisle suddenly stopped for a moment.

Then, like a pot of boiling water, there was an uproar.

"Hey! What's the matter with you? You can't take this medicine casually!" The nurse didn't have time to tidy up the scattered sideburns, and bounced off the ground, rushing straight at Liang Duanyuan, "Spit it out!"

Unrestrained, An Yichi stood up slowly. In those amber pupils, the man standing against the light rolled his Adam's apple, and said, "I'll eat for him."

The heart sank suddenly, and a pair of eyes were covered with a layer of crystal water in an instant, tears may have slid down the face, or maybe not, Liang Duanyuan couldn't see clearly, no one could see clearly.

An Yichi fell ill, and the hospital gown was tightly gripped by himself. In a blink of an eye, he staggered and fell down, bowing his back and kneeling in Liang Duanyuan's arms. There was a sound of plastic products being bumped, it was the skirt of the clothes The heart rate monitor dropped from the hem, the black numbers were beating, increasing all the way, and finally flickering around 108.

"You... spit it out... you, spit, spit, come..." An Yichi's trembling body unconsciously did not allow him to raise his head, and he almost gritted his teeth to say these words, his eyes darkened and he passed out past.

"Oh, my face is pale..."

"Suffer, it's too much..."

Within a few seconds, the murmurs of the crowd rang in the ears, An Yizhi touched the soft and rough texture of the quilt under his body, and all the pain and suffocation returned.

He felt that the hand that was scratching aimlessly was wrapped in a warm and dry touch, and the next moment he grasped the warmth of his fingertips with his backhand as if grabbing a life-saving straw.

Amidst the pain and fear, he saw the busy shadows of the people in white clothes coming and going. Among all the changes, there was only a black shadow standing on the bedside.

Like an iron anchor passing through the swirling sea, An Yi's weightless, suffocating heart was suddenly suppressed, dispelling the heavy fear that was waiting for an opportunity.

"pain……"

He was in so much pain that he was about to die, but holding Liang Duanyuan's hand, he felt his back being caressed one after another, and the cold sweat on his hairline was carefully wiped off by his thumb little by little. The indescribable warmth made him feel For the first time in my life, I felt the desire to live.

He hasn't repaid Liang Duanyuan's kindness yet, so he can't die...

I don't know how long it took, An Yichi finally calmed down, tears were still hanging on the side of his face, his eyes stared blankly at an unknown distance...

"I woke up." Liang Duanyuan sat on the small bench beside the bed with her legs bent. The schizophrenic aunt in the next bed bought it for her unnecessary grandson. He brushed An Yizhi's hair, and when he retracted his hand , with a few crescent moon imprints oozing blood on the tiger's mouth.

"...Did you vomit?" An Yichi's eyes were a little swollen, and when he opened his eyes, three layers of fan-shaped folds appeared, and he sat up and leaned against the head of the bed. He stretched out as if wanting to touch Liang Duanyuan's hand, after all, people have many eyes Miscellaneous was worried, so he gave up halfway and fell on the bedside, "You can't take medicine indiscriminately, why do you want to take it from me?"

"It's nothing." Liang Duanyuan raised her index finger and lightly touched his knuckles beside the bed, looked up into those eyes, "I can't share your pain for you, take a few slices of what you don't want to eat The medicine is still available..."

"You didn't spit it out?" An Yichi sat up straight, got out of bed and dragged him to the toilet at the end of the corridor.

He never thought about going into the bathroom, but was dragged into the small balcony by Liang Duanyuan halfway.

"We can't delay any longer. Whether you can spit it out or not, let's try it first." Seeing him close the balcony door, An Yichi became even more anxious, "It's just a little uncomfortable, just a little..."

"I didn't take it." Liang Duanyuan interrupted him, took a good time, took out a small bag from his pocket, which contained those few pills, reached into the big pocket of the padded jacket, and took it out again, with a small bottle of mineral water in his palm , "It's hidden between your fingers, to scare you."

"Drink the medicine." Before An Yichi could blink his eyes to react, he said again, "I'll come tomorrow before taking the medicine. If you still don't want to, I'll really take it for you, no more joking."

An Yichi stared at him for a while, swallowed the medicine silently, and closed his eyes, "Don't threaten me with your body..."

"Will that help?" Liang Duanyuan leaned over to hug him, stroking the bare/exposed skin on the back of his neck, "You are severely depressed, easy to hold. I often worry that if I sleep tonight, I won't see you tomorrow morning." It's your turn. If you don't take medicine, when the situation gets worse, you will have to undergo electric shock, which will make you forget a lot of things and become a little stupid, but at least you will be alive."

"Forget a lot..." Yi Zhi pressed his cheek against his shoulder, tilted his head, and breathed in his ear, "Even you will forget?"

"Ah."

After a long, long time, when the twilight was setting in the sky, An Yi held her feet and rubbed her hair on the side of Liang Duanyuan's face, "I take medicine well."

The corners of Liang Duanyuan's lips finally curled up softer. Seeing An Yichi's thin clothes, she groped to take his hand and put it in her pocket to keep warm, "Can I trust you?"

"Yes, trust me again." An Yichi laughed, squeezed his fingers, and suddenly found a sharp-edged cardboard box. He raised his head full of surprise, "Did you bring cigarettes in?"

"You can have one." Liang Duanyuan knocked on the cigarette case, thinking that An Yichi was being locked up here and was bored, and it's not surprising that he developed some hobbies that he didn't have before. "It's the compensation for taking good medicine."

"No." An Yichi took out one and handed it to Liang Duanyuan's lips, "You come."

"This is the hospital."

"But this is a balcony." An Yichi blinked, "You're not a patient either, just smoke one secretly, just one."

Liang Duanyuan couldn't do anything about him with that pleading expression, so she half pushed and half agreed, and soon a wisp of green smoke lit up.

"Everyone says that this disease is difficult to cure. If you get sick this time, you have to be on guard for the rest of your life. I am like this, a mental patient... You are a normal person, and you must have many choices." The nasal cavity is full of familiar smells , as if some soft inexplicable emotion was ignited, An Yichi stood side by side beside Liang Duanyuan, looked at the distant horizon, and asked the question he had been thinking about for a long time, "Duanyuan, am I... ...wasting your time?"

Liang Duanyuan's finger holding the cigarette was farther away, and she looked straight at him, "I have a lot of time."

"But, maybe someone can make you happier." An Yichi pursed her lips, "I just, I can only trouble you again and again, always relying on you, I'm not the best one, I..."

"I am willing!" Liang Duanyuan was inexplicably angry, "You want me to go?"

"I don't want to, but..." An Yichi didn't know if it was because of his illness. Every time he watched Liang Duanyuan step out of the iron gate, he was afraid that he would blend into the outside world and would never turn back. , Is it because of illness?

he does not know.

"If you say you hate me, I won't come back." Liang Duanyuan put her hands on his shoulders, frowned and looked into An Yichi's eyes.

The cigarette between his fingers slowly burned to the butt, and finally shook off the accumulated ashes.

An Yizhi moved her lips slightly, "I don't want you to go, but..."

"No but." Liang Duanyuan breathed a sigh of relief, "You are sick, I will take care of you, I don't want you to do anything for me, I just want you to live and be with me."

"What if I never get better?"

"I've always taken care of you."

"I……"

"Stay with me, Yi Chi, I have a lot of time, but I've had enough of being alone."

"……Um."

An Yichi didn't know how long he would be sick, and the doctor didn't know for sure.But after that day, An Yizhi never missed the time to take medicine, never resisted the "square dance therapy" scheduled every day, and never refused the counseling of a psychological counselor.

A week, a month, a quarter...

An Yichi gave up the idea of ​​forcing himself to keep up with the rhythm of normal people, and applied for a suspension of school. He thought that he could not really be sick for a lifetime, and he had to do his best and obey the destiny, at least he had to work hard.

So Liang Duanyuan formed a three-point circle between Shuosang University in the northwest corner, the start-up company in the southeast, and the Jingwei Center in the east, and ran for a whole year.

For a long time, the visit promised by Yi Chi's father, An Jimin, never came. In fact, it was just perfunctory for a child who was full of expectations.

Fortunately, An Yichi found that he didn't care so much anymore.

In the winter of the second year, the long days came to an end. On the night before he was discharged from the hospital, An Yi smuggled in with a pen and wrote a sentence on his bedside:

All I want in my life is true love and freedom.

When the sky was bright the next day, he took the other hand and walked into the free snow fog side by side with Liang Duanyuan.