I'm still doing fine

The sky is bright, and the refreshing breeze blows away the snow that fell the night before. The city in the south is covered with mist and the sun is a bit dark, but Shuosang in the north is still infinitely clear and clear at high altitude.

Like the different weather, after one after another 365-day rotation, the world is still mixed.

When Liang Duanyuan, who hadn't taken the initiative to report her own developments for a long time, received Tang Xiaozheng's belated New Year's greetings, and saw from the lines that a major change had taken place in the life of this duplicity friend, this big man was in a school not far from the school. In the tertiary hospital, the stubble on the chin is blue and even wearing pajama pants, very rarely showing some slovenliness.

Behind him less than 10 meters away, the words "Mental Health Center" hang directly above the entrance of the outpatient building.

About 5 minutes later, An Yichi's figure appeared from the entrance. Liang Duanyuan pinched the cigarette and waved her hand to dispel the pungent smell of nicotine around her body, "How is it?"

"It doesn't seem too good..." An Yichi still replied with a smile, but the smile was obviously a little tired compared to before. He handed the bag in his hand to Liang Duanyuan, nodded and hid his expression in the furry scarf In the margins, "It will probably cost some money, I'll make a call, can you wait for me?"

"Well, let's go." Liang Duanyuan watched him walk away, then took out various diagnostic results from the paper bag, and searched for concise and easy-to-understand conclusions.

After a long while, a plump sparrow leaped onto a high branch, and a puff of fine snow fell. The cluster of ice crystals streaked across the words "severe depression", the result of "severe anxiety", and "hospitalization recommended". advocacy.

In the end, it rolled and got closer and closer, and stopped at the edge of the thumb of the person holding the paper under the tree. After a while, it soaked the paper and distorted the words "with suicidal tendencies" which were still warm and light.

Liang Duanyuan was still standing there, flicking back and forth to look at the results, once, twice, three times... When the words "suicidal tendencies" suddenly appeared in the eyes again, she stopped abruptly and walked towards An Yi. Follow the disappearing direction.

Just like the scene of the little red-haired girl running with all her strength in "Run Lola Run", the past is folded and turned upside down, and it is played in Liang Duanyuan's mind again. The month that has passed by hastily, and he has walked away again unexpectedly. .

On January 1th, the students who stayed at the school during the winter vacation were asked to move to the South District for centralized accommodation. On that day, An Yichi, who did not want to go home, carried a backpack and lowered his head through the crowd of suitcases. The door of Liang Duanyuan's dormitory, which has never been back to celebrate the New Year since the university, is wide open.

On January 1, Liang Duanyuan, who came back early in the morning from her white job at the company, bumped into An Yichi's clear, empty eyes. It was an unusual first night.At that time, Yi Chi looked at him blankly, only smiled, and said that he was worried that he would not return all night, and was waiting for him. Later, under intentional observation, the second night, Yi Chi pursed his lips and said, "Drinking coffee during the day ", the third and fourth nights, Yi Chi turned over and blamed a cup of milk tea, or half a cup of Coke... Finally, after a week, Yi Chi couldn't even hear the question, like a soulless person The baby stared at the ceiling silently, regained consciousness after a while, couldn't explain why, got up slowly, and said sadly, "I don't know, why can't I just fall asleep..."

It was probably at that time that Liang Duanyuan realized that An Yizhi's sleep disorder was no longer a problem. He got worse and experienced many sleepless nights habitually.

On January 1, Liang Duanyuan forced An Yichi to go out and found that this 29-year-old boy was getting thinner and about to drop 178 kilograms in weight.Maybe because he heard him sighing at the numbers on the scale, An Yichi changed his previous laziness about food and ruthlessly stripped away two bowls of rice.But the stomach, which has long been accustomed to very little intake, couldn't bear the burden for a while, and at night when he went back, Yi Chi was forced to vomit for half the night.Liang Duanyuan gave him water to rinse his mouth, and helped him to lie down on the bed, but other than that, he could only frown in vain, because Yi Chi refused to seek medical treatment.

Later, at 5 o'clock in the morning on New Year's Eve, An Yichi went into the bathroom to endure the stagnation in his chest and the sharp pain in his head, and he tore off the shelf nailed to the corner of the wall. Only then was he able to pass out at the door of the bathroom under his pulling, instead of squatting in the toilet pit.

Benefit from

Therefore, Liang Duanyuan finally made a forced decision when An Yizhi was unconscious, and called for emergency treatment and sent him to the hospital.

A few hours later, when the sun rose, Liang Duanyuan thought that An Yichi would resist or struggle when he opened his eyes and saw the plain and undecorated walls of the hospital. Unexpectedly, the weak patient was in a daze for a long time without saying anything , he changed his mind.

The past was hidden and melted into nothingness, Liang Duanyuan held the pile of medical records, and never ran so eagerly.

He is well aware that everyone has their own stubbornness. Up to now, An Yichi's only stubbornness is his refusal to go to the doctor. Why did he come to the hospital involuntarily today, without complaining or questioning at all?

He thought of Yi Zhi sitting opposite the doctor cooperatively, taking the outline of the psychological CT system test, thinking of Yi Zhi doing brain imaging, lying on that pale bed, slowly being swallowed by the huge instrument in profile, and also thinking of Yi Zhi After finishing the EEG, with the sticky couplant on his head, he advised him to wait outside for his expression...

"Suicidal tendency" is like a warning line in black and white on a yellow background. It keeps spinning in Liang Duanyuan's mind, forcing him to turn around the building and run across the parking lot. He rushed over and grabbed the scarred left hand that had been seen before.

The sleeves were rolled up to the forearm, revealing the tender red flesh of the wound where all the scabs had faded away.

Liang Duanyuan gasped for breath and her fingertips trembled. At that moment, she really felt that the most beautiful word in the world was her own mood at the moment.

"What's the matter?" An Yichi curled up his lips and tried to smile, stretched out his hand to cover his cheek, his palm felt cold, "Why did you come here, what happened?"

Liang Duanyuan didn't speak, and couldn't speak, instead she held that hand and pressed it tightly to her face.

"I won't cut my wrists again." An Yichi glanced down at the bare skin against the cold wind and understood, "I cut off the arteries last time, and the doctor told me that if I cut off the nerves a little bit further, not only You can’t die, you’ll be crippled. So I won’t cut my wrists again, don’t worry.”

"Then tell me..." Liang Duanyuan met An Yizhi's gaze, and saw through the heavy tired eyes under the smile, "Why didn't you resist, why didn't you ask me, why did you bear it like this, and suddenly willing to look at me?" Doctor?"

Why did you agree... An Yichi just struggled a little, Liang Duanyuan immediately let go, bent slightly and looked straight into his eyes, softening his slightly impulsive and aggressive tone, "Tell me, okay?"

"A few days ago, I saw the results of the final exam came out." An Yi's clenched hands trembled, and he leaned forward to rest on Liang Duanyuan's shoulder, "There are 7 courses in total, and I failed 6 of them. The subject I passed was Xingzheng, and I could pass those with handwriting on the paper...but I didn't review the other subjects carefully. I really worked hard on reading. Can't remember anything."

"Later, I found out that it's not just about the exams." No sobbing, no choking, An Yizhi's tears fell straight into Liang Duanyuan's neckline, but the expression on his face seemed to be completely unaware, and he continued to say , "I can't make out the meaning of any ordinary text, I know the pronunciation of each word, I know the meaning of each word, but, but when they are put together, I..."

"I don't know what to do. Maybe in a while, I can't even speak clearly." An Yichi spoke very slowly, "At that time, I will become a real useless person, unable to do anything."

"I know, I understand that it's painful, and I understand your fear." Liang Duanyuan put his broad hand on An Yizhi's shoulder blade, and he said as softly as possible, "But I don't see a doctor, I don't take medicine, I don't do anything. If you do it, the disease will not get better. If you can’t read books, stop reading for a while, and if you can’t study, then stop studying. You are severely depressed, and being able to live is the result of hard work. Don’t be too harsh on yourself, okay?”

"When you can't do anything, just treat it as a vacation and try to save yourself." Liang Duanyuan withdrew, still resting his hands on An Yichi's shoulders, and said, "I will be with you."

"No..." An Yichi stopped laughing. He shook his head and looked directly into Liang Duanyuan's eyes. This was the first time he argued with Liang Duanyuan, "Have you ever taken those medicines?"

,You do not understand. "

It was an eager rebuttal, and it was also a kind of refusal without any tact. An Yichi himself reacted quickly, so that when Liang Duanyuan stretched out his hand at him, he took half a step back reflexively, and was immediately caught by this people hold.

"The wind is strong, leaving it on the face will hurt the skin." Liang Duanyuan squeezed the tissue, just wiped away the tears under his eyes, and then the big man who had just been refuted suddenly smiled, and he said, "Yeah , I want to understand, but in fact really, really don't understand."

He pressed An Yizhi to let him sit on the veranda of the gazebo not far away, squatted down on one knee, and looked directly into his eyes, as if the little episode just now had completely turned the page, "What will happen if you take those medicines?"

"...you can't control yourself."

An Yizhi's inexplicable confrontation disappeared as quickly as when he came, his straight and stiff back relaxed, and he sighed slightly,

"I'm not interested in anything, and my hands are always trembling involuntarily, and I often can't distinguish between reality and fantasy when I'm half asleep... In addition to ensuring that the body is alive, those medicines are more important to me than dealing with reality. horrible."

"If he didn't take the medicine at that time, maybe it wouldn't be so serious now." An Yichi almost said to himself, "If he believed in me more and gave me more time, maybe I could get better..."

"Who?" Liang Duanyuan interrupted his confession.

"An Jimin." An Yichi blinked and stopped, "He is my father."

There was silence.

An Yichi suddenly realized that his prediction was right. He had said so much, but he still couldn't get around the sentence he wanted to say.

The reason why he didn't want to take the medicine was that this child, who had never been able to control his own life, didn't want to lose control of his own body.

But he couldn't tell.

"Then why are you willing to listen to the doctor again now?" Liang Duanyuan still persisted in the question that the other party hadn't gotten an answer to, and squeezed his hand hard, bringing back his wandering thoughts.

Another long silence.

"You don't have to be afraid of anything else..." An Yichi finally opened his mouth, "But I find that I can't feel you any more, so it won't work."

I hate most of the world, but I only like you who broke in recklessly.

This feeling of wanting to keep you is actually miraculous, breaking the pattern of wanting to die.

An Yichi thought of the gentle female doctor she had just seen. She said that depression is an accessory of love.

Can the depression caused by unfruitful love for parents be healed by other loves?

An Yizhi doesn't understand, and Liang Duanyuan doesn't understand, but sometimes it's like this, life advances in confusion, and Jiayin waits quietly in the ethereal distance, waiting for the strong person to take the most important, first footprint.