[bright] time

(bright side)

August [-]th, [-]:[-] am /

Birds were singing on the tree outside the window, and I was woken up by them for a while.

But today I don't want to wake up.

The fog cleared, and the golden sunlight shone on the white quilt through the beige curtains. I always liked the moment of light and shadow change, and I always waited for this moment in the early morning.

But I don't want to watch anymore.

More than anyone else, I hope that Shinto will become a competent professional shogi player, no matter where he is.

Facing Go and facing his work, he can work hard without slack, no matter what happens.

In the first few days of hospitalization,

I've always been sure I'd drive him back to Korea...if he came back to see me.

At that time, maybe I thought from the bottom of my heart that he would come to see me?

Turns out I've been waiting...

I'm waiting for Shinto to visit me.

Looking forward to it in my heart, but at the same time refuting...

I hide my expectation in the deepest and deepest bottom of my heart,

Secretly counting the days every day, thinking about when Shinto will come.

The more you count, the more chilling you become...Yesterday was the eighth day...,

"take care".

I thought about this sentence all night.

Does it mean there is no need to wait?

"take care"

Does it mean he won't come?

so cold...

eyes are so hot...

Knock Knock──

"Mr. Taya, good morning! It's time to take your medicine!"

At this time every day, Ms. Maeda would come to the ward with the medicine that should be taken before breakfast, and she also came today.

"Oh, how rare. Is Mr. Taya still awake? It's too bad..."

From the voice of Ms. Maeda, she seems to be troubled, should I get up better.The time to take the medicine and the time to eat are coordinated with the doctors and nurses, but now I can’t get out of the quilt like this, it’s really naive...

Just when I was about to move my body,

"Don't wake him up, let him sleep more."

From the first time we met, the voice of a child is very energetic and loud,

The monster-like hoarse and ugly Polo voice in the voice-changing period,

Until now, this kind of sound is a bit thick but not rough, which makes people sound very comfortable.

All of this...I am so familiar, unforgettable...

"What should I do with the medicine? You have to take it [-] minutes before meals..."

"Give it to me first, I will tell Taya to eat when he wakes up, anyway, he doesn't look like someone who will stay in bed for a long time."

I would like to know,

I want to confirm the owner of the voice with my own eyes,

I quickly lifted the half-covered quilt and sat up.Look at the man standing in the ward.

Jeans, sneakers, a black short-sleeved T-shirt, and a yellow-and-black plaid shirt are held in his left hand. This is his usual attire. Although his hair is black and the earrings are still there, but,

This person is indeed Shinto Hikari.

Shinto stared at my face for a while, then turned to Maeda-san and said:

"...Look, don't you just wake up now?"

"Hehe, that's right!"

After Maeda-san handed the medicine to Shindo, she left first.

I didn't know what to say, I just looked at Shinto in front of me.A person I thought would never appear again, just stood in front of me without warning.The mood is very complicated, the heart beats a little fast.

Shinto put the pill in my hand, then turned around and pressed a little hot water from the thermos bottle into the cup, then picked up the mineral water and filled the cup to [-]% full, urging me when I didn’t move,

"What's wrong? Eat quickly."

I glanced at Jin Teng, put two pills in my mouth, saw that I was about to put them in my mouth, Jin Teng immediately handed me the water.After taking a sip of water and swallowing the pill, I returned the cup to Shinto.

"Drink more, finish it."

I don't see each other for six months and [-] days a year, and I don't even say hello or long time no see.He asked me to take medicine and then to drink water. What was this person thinking?This kind of incomprehensible overbearing is still the same as before, and it hasn't changed at all.

After drinking the water, I put the glass on the table.

"How are you doing these days? Are you feeling better?" Shinto pulled a stool and sat on the edge of the bed, and our eyes moved to the same plane.His eyes are already big, and they become more oppressive when he asks people questions and forces others to answer them.It's just that I didn't want to admit defeat, so I nodded without hesitation.

"That's good." He slightly hooked the corner of his mouth.

"How did you get to work at Kiin in Japan?"

"I took a week off."

After answering, Shinto stood up and turned the turntable at the end of the bed to help me raise the head of the bed, maybe so that I could talk on it?

"Why did you take such a long leave?"

"Important matches are over. I haven't asked for leave to come back from Korea more than once a year, and... I just have something to discuss with my family, so I can come back to see you at this time. Once I come back, I can save a lot of plane rides. "

No matter when he was pouring water for me, or raising the head of the bed, or even when he was helping me arrange the pillow now, the ring finger of his left hand was always shining with a silvery-white light that was hard to see directly, as if he was looking towards I declare its presence the same.

The rare square shape exudes an atmosphere that does not agree with the world. The sterling silver design without any gemstones or carvings looks very thick and simple.It really fits him well, like the ring he would wear, it makes people feel... the person who chose must know him well.

Discuss with my family... probably for this matter.

"What's wrong?"

"I want to brush my teeth."

Hearing what I said, Shinto immediately stood up and moved the stool aside, and arranged the indoor shoes for me to wear. When I put on the shoes and was about to stand up, he held my hand without hesitation, and held my arm. Shoulder.

In the past, when I was chased by wild dogs in Atami, when I was driving the tram, Shinto held my hand, and when we took pictures together, he also put his hand on my shoulder.

But my heart has never been so restless as it is now.

I have never realized it... Shinto's body temperature, Shinto's weight, Shinto's smell,

It penetrated into my body like an electric current, spreading to every nerve ending, making it difficult to calm down...

He supported me and walked towards the bathroom step by step according to my speed.

"I'll support you, be careful."

Shinto's voice rang in my ears, directly vibrating my eardrums... so close... so close.

I don't know when it started, but Shinto no longer came to hold my hand and put my shoulders like he used to do with other friends...

It wasn't until he confessed to me that I figured out that he was avoiding physical contact with me, because he cared about me, so he was particularly aware of the "touch".

But he didn't hesitate at all today, it was natural, just like before, just like when we were friends.

On the contrary, I..., on the contrary, I care about Shinto's touch, I care so much, it's like... my heart is about to break....

Closing the bathroom door, standing in front of the sink, I straightened my back and looked at myself in the mirror... thinking about Shinto just now, thinking about everything about him that I haven't felt for a long time.

He has grown taller than me...,

He was about the same size as me before, but now, even I can feel it...he is really taller than me.

Seven months a year is really long, right?

His shoulders have become wider, his chest has become thicker, and his arms have become much stronger. It is different from the one who had just left the growth period when he left, and still had a little youthful and wild aura lingering on him. He has changed. Mature, from a teenager to a man who makes all women fall in love with him.

"That man in the black suit is very handsome," said passers-by on the road.

Shinto grew up in a place where I didn't exist...for someone I didn't know...to be what I am now.

And I... let him go.

***

I washed my face and brushed my teeth.I feel much calmer.

Opening the bathroom door, I saw that Shinto was putting the paper bag he brought over on the table in the living room, taking out the contents one by one.As soon as he heard the sound of my opening the door, he immediately put down the work at hand and planned to come over to help me.

"It's okay, I can go by myself." I don't want to have too much contact with him.

I refused Shinitou, closed the bathroom door, and walked back to bed by myself.It's just that when I was leaving, I could still feel that Shindo's eyes were still following me. I'm afraid I might be unstable, right?

Do I really look so sick now?Treat me like some kind of fragile glass.

I really want to tell him, don't look at me like this anymore... His gentleness will only make my heart hurt more. Is this just friendship?I shouldn't have expected anything.

"Taya, I told Miss Maeda that you don't need to bring breakfast. My mother cooked some porridge and asked me to bring it, and I also bought some fruit. What do you want to eat first?"

"Auntie cooked it?"

"Ah, she got up early in the morning when she heard that I was coming to visit the doctor. She also made some light side dishes. Do you want to eat? Are you tired of the hospital food?"

"...Well, thank you."

I really miss the days when I went to Jinto’s house to play chess...

"Nostalgia"... I never had this kind of thought.

I think people should keep moving forward, and make today's self better than yesterday's self. Remembering the past actually has no practical effect at all.

In the past, I always felt that I couldn't understand the expression of..."I missed something" that Shinto would suddenly show.But now I seem to understand that kind of feeling, it should be a kind of... wanting to save something important but it's too late, so I can only miss it, only regret it?

"Ah, I let Dr. Aoki see all these things. I brought them in after he said you can eat them, so you don't have to worry, eat as much as you can."

After Shinto filled the porridge, he walked over while stirring it with a spoon,

"It's hot. I'll blow it down first."

After sitting on the stool, he continued to blow porridge.

Seeing him do so many things for me so attentively made me feel hot in my chest... This sun-like person always gives me the warmth I want most without reservation when I need it most.

He is the one who can freeze my heart, and he is the only one who can melt the ice.

"Shinto."

"Um?"

"Yesterday Gao Yongxia came and passed on a message for you." Having said that, why are you still here today?

Shinto paused for a moment, then continued to lower his head, blowing on the steaming porridge and saying:

"...Actually, I've been in Japan for three days during a week's vacation.... He couldn't find me here, thinking I wouldn't come to visit the sick, so the cock said nonsense. Don't mind."

Has it been three days?

Sure enough... the leave is not for me...

I knew it was the case, but I still had a little bit of hope and refused to let it go.

Silence flowed between us, the only sound in the room was the tapping of spoons and bowls and the blowing of vines.

"It should be fine. The bowl is very hot, so be careful."

Avoiding Shinto's fingers, I took the bowl.

Shinto watched me put the porridge into my mouth, and asked, "Is it hot?"

He is worried about me.Shindo's eyes can't lie, I know his intentions are true now.

But this makes me even more confused.Is he trying to be cruel to me or to be nice to me?

Shaking my head, I said, "No."

I see….

I think he is cruel, just because I always remember the things he said he likes me, just because I ask him to do more than what a friend should do.As everyone knows, I no longer have that right.

***

After eating, Ms. Maeda gave me another medicine.In the past few days, I have been like a medicine jar. I have three meals a day, and I have specific medicines to take before and after meals.The only good thing is that I don't need drip anymore and I can eat normal food.

I think I'm getting better, Dr. Aoki said so, and Dr. Shibasaki thinks so too.Only Shinto..., after Dr. Shibasaki finished his rounds and went out, he still had a sullen face.He has not smiled since he entered this ward.

I actually really hope that he can smile at me, because the image of the latest smile still stays in the photo taken by Mr. Tanisemura, and the somewhat bitter picture still lingers in my heart.

When Dr. Aoki was about to go out, he also called Shinto out, not knowing what to say to him.Within a few minutes, Shinto entered the room.

"What's wrong?" I asked Shinto.

"No, it's just... being told that my face is like this will make you uneasy and give you pressure. If you do this again, you will drive me back."

"Dr. Aoki?" Dr. Aoki is a student of Dr. Shibasaki. He is a very kind and responsible doctor in practice.But he didn't expect him to say such a thing to a visiting visitor so directly.

"Ah. But I really can't laugh at all. Seeing you take so much medicine..." Shindo frowned and squinted at me, and said with a serious expression, "...became so thin.... "

"...I'm sorry, Taya."

Shinto's sudden apology overwhelmed my silence.

"Why are you apologizing?"

"For many things."

I don't want Shinto to apologize, the last thing I want is to hear Shinto apologize.

"I don't understand. I don't think you have anything to apologize for. My body is my own, and it's my own responsibility to get sick. It's none of your business! Why do you apologize!?" As I spoke, my The tone became more and more serious, I don't want him to come to see me because he feels sorry for me.

"You don't know. It's not just about this, but I—"

"What else is there? Visiting? For visiting, you're already here, aren't you? You have important games. If you skip those games and come back, I'll drive you back. Absolutely." !So you don’t need to apologize at all! Shindo! I don’t want to hear any more apologies!”

I didn't let Shinto continue talking, I stopped him from continuing... What is it that he wants to apologize to me for?

I'm afraid...I'm afraid to hear him say, "Wait until I like him" is impossible..., afraid that he will apologize to me for breaking the promise.

I'm afraid to hear this.

"..., you really haven't changed at all, without any hesitation, you're all about Go." Shinto said with the most helpless smile I've ever seen,

"...I just knew you would drive me back, so I──."

Shinto abruptly cut off what he wanted to say, clenched his fists and let out a deep sigh.

This breath sounds very heavy, but it also makes me feel... This is another secret that Shinto cannot tell me.Another door I can't get through.

Maybe Shinto knows me better than I thought?

But what he knows is the old me... After a year and a half, I have changed, but I don't want him to know about this change, and I don't want to add to his troubles.

"Troubled?"

"Um?"

"I came to see you... Do you feel troubled?"

Looking into Shinto's eyes, I asked back:

"...Why?" Why are you asking?I should ask you, right?Have you discussed everything with her with your family?Don't you find it annoying to come to see me early in the morning and help me with things?

"That's good." Shinto said with a sigh of relief.

"Taya, if you want to eat or do something, you can tell me that you are welcome. As long as it is helpful to the condition, I will help to the end, tell me. Do you understand?"

Eyes full of persuasion, and a tone as if coaxing a child, he spoke slowly.I have always hated being treated like a child, but once upon a time..., I fell in love with such a Shinto.Such eyes, such voice... make me feel that I am being valued by him.

So I nodded and answered him "Got it". Hearing my answer, Shindo smiled, it was the first time since entering the door today.

I really like... I really like his smile.

As long as he is still willing to smile at me like this, that's enough, I comfort myself like this.

***

The atmosphere in the ward was no longer as tense as before, although we still didn't talk much.

I haven't seen you for so long, I have many things I want to ask Shinto, but there are also many things I don't want to hear.

It made me wonder what to say to him.

It's like... no matter what you ask, you will touch your own taboo by mistake.

We've always talked across the chessboard, and now this relationship that's off balance should be even more so?

"Shinto."

"Um?"

Shinto, who was sitting in the small living room cutting fruit, heard my call and answered.

"I want to watch the game of chess between you and Yin Shangbin, can you arrange it for me?"

Now, I care more about that game of chess than eating fruit.

"Can't."

"...You lied to me." Not everything just now will help me.

"Who lied to you? Aren't you still unable to play chess? You can't even look at the new game records. Don't think I don't remember your habit of studying without eating or sleeping as soon as you see the new game records." Shinto cut it Put the fruit into the fresh-keeping box, put down the knife, and said without looking back.

"I'm getting better."

"You're not a doctor, don't make up your own mind." After closing the crisper, Shinto went to the sink to wash the knife, without giving in at all.Shindo is easy-going and easy-going, but in fact, there are times when he is very stubborn.And his current stubbornness only makes me feel more angry.

I am angry with myself.

I knew there was something wrong with my eating habits, and I knew that I was really exhausted recently, but I didn't expect it to be so serious that it would cause stomach bleeding.

I was angry because of this "unexpected".

I haven't played chess for nine days in a row, and I feel like I'm not myself anymore.

Occasionally, there are previous chess records in my head, but this kind of dead chess that I already know the result and is not challenging at all has made me feel a little bored.

Long-term tension and concentration may really bring a burden to my stomach, but not playing chess for several days is undoubtedly a kind of mental torture.

...I can't take it anymore, I don't know if my sense of chess has deteriorated.

"Tsk... there's really nothing I can do about you."

Just as I was muttering in my heart, Shinto had washed the knife and put it back in the drawer, standing beside my bed.

"Um?"

"Try cross-checking chess? I'll come up with a life-and-death problem for you to solve."

"Are you going to...?"

It doesn't take so long to play a game of chess, but it can use your brain. I have considered this method before, but I need someone else to give me a solution, so I gave up.

If Shinto said that he would explain it to me, I would like to explain it,...but...he has been here for [-] hours..., I thought he let me eat the porridge that my aunt told me, and cut the fruit. go back, but...

"Is not you going home?"

"...You don't want to play chess with me? Eat it." Shinto handed me the crisper and fork.

"I didn't say that! I just thought you might have other things to do..."

"No. I have a lot of free time. Eat quickly."

Shinto is the kind of person who will say that if you don’t eat it, I won’t draw it. I quickly opened the box and ate a piece.The sweetness of carambola is just right. The doctor said that I can't eat too sour or too sweet fruit.I always feel that Shinto seems to be very aware of my physical condition...I was limited in what I could eat, and there were a lot of troublesome restrictions, but Shindo brought only what the doctor agreed that I could eat.

Seeing Shinto move the stool to the bedside table on my left by the window, pick up the note paper and a pen on it and draw a chessboard with nine vertical and horizontal lines on it, and then draw dozens of black and white chess pieces of the same size

I really like..., I really like Shinto Shinto's side face that doesn't care about anything.

Shinto always has this expression when he plays chess, I used to see it all the time.It's been a long time since I haven't seen you. I always feel very nostalgic. In addition to nostalgia, there is another kind of... affection.

"Okay." Within a few minutes, Shinto was done.

Putting the box on the bedside table on the right, I took the Kitsuki drawn by Shinfuji.

The intersecting straight lines, the chess pieces falling on top, unfold a new game record, which is a problem that Shinto has thought about, and I want to solve it.

In the past, because of the Beidou Cup, when going to events, Go fans would often ask Jinto to sign their paper fans.Shindo feels that his handwriting is not good-looking and has no commemorative value, and he will often try to push it away, saying that he does not have enough paragraphs or has no title or something.

It's just that some chess fans are still very enthusiastic and persistent. At this time, Shindo had to reluctantly sign.In order to divert attention (he said it himself), in addition to his signature, he would also draw a piece of chess suitable for the opponent's chess strength on the fan for the opponent to solve, as a souvenir.

Compared with his unrealistic signature, his chessboard and chess pieces are really well-drawn and neat.Straight lines are straight and circles are round.I often find it incredible that this is actually made by the same person?

He should be born to play chess, right?

"It's solved!" After about 5 minutes, I returned the paper to Shindo.

"So fast? That kid thought about it for more than half an hour when I brought it to test Chengxi."

Great, my sense of chess is still there, and I haven't retreated too far.It is really fun to be able to play chess and use your brain.

"Do you still want to solve it?"

"Yes...but..." I immediately nodded and answered, and then thought that this would take up a lot of Shinto's time, and felt inappropriate.

"When I was in Korea, whenever I had free time, I would think about cross chess to pass the time. I could hone my chess skills and beat others in the exam. I thought about a lot of life-and-death questions, so many that I could write two or three books." Shinto said After changing his tone, he turned serious:

"So Taya, can I still come tomorrow?

The day after tomorrow is the same, and the day after tomorrow is also the same. They all come out to solve it for you.

Until you are discharged from the hospital on the afternoon of the [-]th, before I go back to Korea at night.Can I come?Come play chess with you. "

"You... come here every day... to solve cross-chess for me?"

"Well, if you want to play chess with me. How about it?"

You can follow Teng together, you can play chess with him, you can meet him...

I immediately nodded eagerly.

I don't know what my expression looks like now, but Shinto broke into a smile,

"Hey, okay! Then I have to think about it. I remember one question is..."

Shinto took another piece of note paper and drew another simple chess record, and filled in the chess pieces attentively.

With black hair, blue earrings, and a mature face, I thought it was because Shindo had changed too much now, so my feeling for him became different from before.

In fact, "Shindo Hikari" is still "Shindo Hikaru", he hasn't changed.

When he cares about people, when he is serious, when he is concentrating, when he is in pain, when he blames himself, when he is gentle, when he laughs... every expression is the same as before.Obviously the same, but it always touches my heartstrings...

In the past, I was not aware of such things as "like". In fact, I never knew what love was until Shindo confessed to me.

It turns out that this kind of relationship may also appear between us, although we are both men...

At the time I was just in denial, just couldn’t accept it….

It wasn't until Shinto left and loneliness eroded my soul that I realized how much Shinto meant to me.

I don't know if this kind of feeling is the "like" that Shindo said....

I only know…,

i like him around me

I like him looking at me,

I like when he listens to me,

I like him talking to me,

I like the warmth of his hands,

I like his incomprehension, his thoughtfulness, his maturity, his focus...,

I like his childish smile,

I like the expression on his face when he takes me for nothing,

His hug also... I like it... I really like it, the scruples when I want to hug me with all my strength but I'm afraid of hurting me... It makes me feel very distressed now.

If these endless feelings are the "like" that Shinto said,

i think i am...

...like him,

I like Shinto.

After thinking it over clearly... Is there only boundless regret waiting for me...?

I don't want this, I don't want to end without saying anything.

Shinto, listen to me,

I know..., I know what I think...

Unable to hear the call in my heart, Shinto focused on drawing the game record, facing me was my favorite profile.

I couldn't help reaching out and pulling the hem of the rattan clothes.

"Huh?" Shinto turned his head to look at me, and it was my favorite amber eyes that stared at me.

"Shinto, I...──"

"Wait a minute, Taya! I'll answer the phone. It's an important call. Sorry."

Shinto took out the vibrating mobile phone from his pocket and quickly walked towards the door, as if he was afraid that the other party would hang up the phone, he pressed the call button the moment he opened the door:

"Do you know how long I waited for this call?Min'er..."

The back of Shinto closing the door seemed to say: It's too late.

Picking up the similarly drawn hechiki that Shinto placed on the table, I covered myself under the quilt and interpreted the chess manual that Shinto had drawn for me.

missed…,

We missed it.