mirror and text

I haven't met him since that time.

I'm in a terrible mood.Every day and night during this period of time, I dreamed of those eyes.Those eyes that aroused the dead lake in my heart made me suffocate in my dream.

I feel like I'm crazy and I want to find him.I want those eyes to look at me forever, forever and ever!

But I can't meet him!I can't meet him!I was so sad that I was about to die, my heart reminded me all the time, I would die if I didn't see him again, and my heart would stop beating if I didn't see him.

This is the first time that I feel that death is so close to me. I am obviously not afraid of death, and I am so happy that I am going crazy even when I meet death.But now I'm afraid.

I want to see him, I haven't let him destroy me yet.I have not yet suffocated in my love.

The explosion of it all ignited the day.I had the most painful moment, it was more painful than the self-harm before, I think my depression turned severe.

I can't go to work, I'm so sick.I hid in my boxy room, I hugged my legs and looked at the blue sky.

This sunny sky is really annoying, I am looking forward to rainy days.Rain washes away the mud, that's what I firmly believe.

Because the rain that day washed away the mud in my heart, but it started to get dirty again.

"If you don't go to work, you will lose your salary! Why are you so cowardly! Are you a man!" The rough female voice at the door was my mother.

She has been scolding me for almost a day now.I'm used to it.She said something worse than this several times.I can't refute a word, I'm afraid there will be no food to eat.Because I have no money.

No money!

I bit my lower lip tightly, I knew I was crying, more fierce than before.I am hopeless about life.Why am I still alive, I can't do anything well, and everything is holding me back.

I'm so useless!Why are you still alive?

I should die.I be damned.

I decided that since I would never see him again, I would run to my death.I don't have any attachments in this world anymore.

There is nothing in this world that belongs to me. This square space is not mine, the bed under me is not mine, and the clothes on me are not mine.

I... want to... not me anymore.

"You have to go to work for me tomorrow! Do you still want me to support you if you don't go to work! Trash!"

My mother is yelling again.

waste!I am.

Oops, I feel like I can't stop my tears, I've quit tears, why am I involuntarily sad.

I should think about the past two days. I plan to spend these two days looking for him. If I can't find him, I will try my best.

I want to say goodbye to everything, to this dirty world.I want to go clean, even if I am a waste.

I even thought about it, I want to be cremated, I want to be thrown into the river of wind and dust.

Those people, I don't want false mourning after my death.Do you want to be disgusted even after you die?I don't want it.

I wiped away my tears and there are still two days left.These are probably the last two days of my existence on this earth.

The next day, I got up early.My mom thought I had gone to work.Actually no, I went to find those eyes.

I scoured the perimeter of the steakhouse, and the sun was so hot that I felt like I was burning out.I didn't blame the weather like others, and I even think it's good to be burned like this.

I don't know if God heard my heart, the weather is even more stuffy at noon.

I stood under the scorching sun and didn't want to let go of any figure.Finally, the sky pays off, and I saw him.

But his situation didn't seem right. Although he still looked back as frequently as that day, today his whole body seemed to be sluggish.

Is he sick?

I wanted to go forward to help him, but my whole body was shaking.I'm scared, so scared.He clearly wanted to be destroyed by him, but when he was weak, he didn't even have the courage to take a step towards him.

What a coward I am, what a piece of shit I am.

A drop of tear fell on the ground and evaporated in an instant.I cried again, obviously he was my only attachment in this world.But I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that he also thinks I'm a waste, I'm afraid he also thinks I'm cowardly, I'm afraid he hates what I like.

The tears in my eyes were spinning, and I cried for my cowardice.His body was getting sluggish, and he must be sick.

I am walking towards him urgently. This is probably the last time I am brave in this life.It's fine if he hates me, but now he's going to need me.

will need it!

He is really sick.His footsteps were weak, and his whole body was leaning against me. He was so heavy that I almost couldn't lift him up.But I still have to take him to the hospital.

I felt that he was staring at me all the time, I suppressed my timidity and hurriedly asked for his things, and called a doctor for him.

I escaped.

How could I escape, I just saw him.He is my last hope to live in this world. I abandoned my hope in the hospital.

Two days are over, and this is my ultimatum to myself to live in this world.The time limit has now passed.I'm cowardly again.

I was still in the boxy house, the blue sky turned black, and so did my house.My heart is also dark.

The fruit knife in my hand reflected the faint light, and I leaned against the edge of the bed.The world turned off the lights, and my heart closed the door.

Time to go.I should go.

A fragile smile rose from the corner of my mouth, this time the knife was very sharp, even if I struck lightly, a lot of blood still flowed quietly.

The tears in the corners of my eyes flowed down my cheeks and merged with the blood, it flowed more and more, it couldn't be stopped, I couldn't stop it.

Why am I so sad!I closed the door of my heart, why should I slam the door of my heart.Why do I still miss this world.

I can't bear it, I can't bear it.My heart hurts so much, the wound doesn't hurt anymore, why does my heart start to hurt.

I miss him, miss him crazily.The smell of him, and his eyes, and what he said to me.

I don't give a damn.At least now, before he rejects me, before he destroys me.I am meant to live.

There was a puddle of blood on the ground. When I got up from the ground, I almost fell head down. I lost a lot of blood. It was time for me to bandage the wound.

After the wound was bandaged, I was so dizzy that I fell on the bed.For a moment, I was afraid that I would not be able to welcome the dawn of tomorrow.

But fortunately, I held on to my last belief and survived.

The wound on my hand was really deep. The next day I had a fever due to the infection of the wound, so I went to the hospital on the strength of my body. The wound was stitched up and an injection was given, and I fled home again.

He is no longer in that hospital.

Later, I met him again.He really was my hope, and for the first time in my life, I was hugged and even kissed in the street.

At that moment, there is only us in this world, or only us left.His strength is so great that I can hardly bear it.But I love it.

Finally, I found my hope.It's beautiful to be alive.

The author has something to say:

The next two chapters almost climax.

Because of Xiaojing's depression, his perspective is generally very gloomy.

Good night, good dreams!