【旼狼】Gravity

Jinyoung, you know what.

I actually hate gravity too.

Maybe, deeper than you hate.

Pei Zhenying always thought that the speed of the green leather train was as slow as the speed of the sightseeing car in the park, but in fact, the scenery along the way still flashed by like a horse watching flowers.This is the first train journey in life, Pei Zhenying is still a little excited.Although it was winter, the warm sunlight refracted into the compartment, and the temperature was just right.The students traveling together on the train were also chattering happily, talking about all kinds of gossip news, such as humorous videos that suddenly became popular on SNS, rumors about entertainers, love stories of friends, and so on.Youzhen, like Pei Zhenying, did not participate in any discussions, but just looked at the scenery outside the window.

The kiss last night was longer than expected, as if they had forgotten all factors such as time, temperature and environment, and were only immersed in the world of the two of them.So this is the smell of love, Pei Zhenying sighed.At the end of that kiss, Hwang Min Hyun moved his lips away first with a regretful expression.Then he said, sorry.

Why are there always so many sorry, why is there always that sad expression, why is it pretending to be calm, but it seems to be full of thoughts.

"Brother, I still want it."

When Pei Zhenying took the initiative to kiss her, she was still a little guilty.But no matter what, he still felt that the kiss was very sweet, mixed with a little pain.Surprisingly, that kind of pain makes people feel happy.Although it has a slight sense of threat and makes people unable to breathe, it miraculously falls into a dizzy feeling that makes people unable to extricate themselves, and the meaning is still unfinished.

- Brother, I'm leaving.What are you doing?

After the text message was sent, Bae Jin Young did not wait for Hwang Min Hyun's reply for a long time.He glanced at Youzhen across the way, with a tired expression on his face.Unknowingly, I have spent 6 hours on the train, so I must be tired.The students who were still making noise just now also quietly dozed off.Pei Zhenying looked out of the window again, but the ever-disappearing scenery left his eyes nowhere to rest.So he picked up his cell phone and called Hwang Min Hyun.Hwang Min Hyun didn't answer until the call ended.At this time, a few girls not far away suddenly became active, and they found a new topic.

"Have you heard about that?"

"what's up?"

"In our community, the roof of B Middle School fell three years ago."

"Thinking about it, there was a lot of trouble at that time."

"I heard it was suicide."

"Really? Impossible."

B middle school roof fall incident.

It would have been nice if I had pretended to be asleep just now, Pei Zhenying regretted it.The moment he heard this word, the corners of his mouth trembled slightly, and his brain began to dizzy unconsciously.

"By the way, Pei Zhenying, did you graduate from middle school B?"

"That's right, Jinyoung graduated from middle school B, that child is the same age as us, right?"

"Jinyoung, do you know who it is?"

The children gathered around Pei Zhenying in an instant, Youzhen's expression became a little impatient because of the sudden crowd.Pei Zhenying only felt a bang, and her mind began to lose consciousness.No, Pei Zhenying, keep your spirits up, and you must not leak any flaws.

"It's not suicide."

"Look, just say no."

"It was because of a mistake that he fell from the building."

After Pei Zhenying finished speaking, the faces of the girls around her were all disappointed, which made Pei Zhenying disgusted.Facts mean nothing to them.All they want is exciting gossip for fun to talk about.

Finally, calm was restored in the carriage.Youzhen sighed, closed his eyes, and there was another long silence.Today, she was extraordinarily quiet, with a stiff expression.Pei Zhenying was worried that the cabin was too stuffy, so he picked up a bottle of water and handed it to Youzhen, but she didn't answer it, but just opened her eyes and looked at him.

"Are you OK?"

You really have a subtle expression.

"Did you not come to see me last night because you were not feeling well?"

"Ah."

So there was no conversation for a while.That kind of quiet makes people feel oppressed, as if there will be screams breaking the calm in the next second, which makes people panic.

"Jinying, actually."

Youzhen closed his eyes temporarily, as if he saw something terrible.She bit her lip lightly, and spoke with difficulty.

"Actually, I saw it yesterday."

"what?"

"Beside the station, you're with a man..."

Seeing Pei Zhenying kissing a man, I really can't say it.Although it was only a few alleys away from Pei Zhenying's house, but that night he suddenly wanted to take a detour to welcome Pei Zhenying back home, so he saw that scene at the intersection.Pei Zhenying was talking to a man taller than him with a sincere expression.Before Youzhen could call out his name, he was stunned by the unexpected kiss scene in the next second.

Then, Youzhen remembered that face.

He was in the small shop in University Y. Pei Zhenying said that she didn't know that handsome man with extraordinary temperament.

Pei Zhenying was silent, for some reason, he looked a little lonely today.

"I wouldn't tell anyone, but."

"..."

"Why are you lying?"

Pei Zhenying had nothing to say.

Because I don't want to be a bad person, I don't want to cause harm to others, because I have fallen into kindness.

Because even if you cheated on me when we first met, I would smile and cater to you, but I couldn't be honest about the fact that I like men.

Because that's how I grew up.

"sorry."

Youzhen expected that Pei Zhenying's heart did not belong to him, and he also expected that he would say sorry.He didn't seem to have much to say other than sorry.Because everything was expected, Youzhen felt even more sad.

"I'm not angry, I'm just a little sad."

"..."

"Why can't I be liked by such a good you?"

Youzhen started to cry, and the tears trickled down his cheeks drop by drop.

"It's true, I'm not very good, and I'm not very kind. Please don't think so. It's because I'm not a good person that I can't reject you and make you sad. You are a kind child. I hope you don't blame yourself .”

Pei Zhenying doesn't know how to comfort others, he just says whatever comes to his mind.Obviously, this made You Zhen even more sad.

In fact, the reason why Pei Zhenying came to Jeongdongjin was not to watch the sunrise.After saying goodbye to everyone, he got on the coach bound for Sokcho.Originally thought that he would never come here in this life, the child liked the sea very much, and after hearing that he was placed in a small columbarium near Sokcho after death, he fell asleep so quietly.Pei Zhenying thought that when she was alive and breathing, she would never come here.He kept calling Huang Minxuan, but the other party never answered, Pei Zhenying even felt that Huang Minxuan might have lost his phone.

The dilapidated car took Pei Zhenying along the winding mountain road to a place where you could see the sea, where there was a dilapidated small columbarium.This columbarium was even more shabby than imagined. There was almost no trace of people's visits. The dusty hut seemed to be completely destroyed by a strong wind.The administrator's grandfather leaned against the door, dozing off.There are many empty grids in the columbarium, and a few windows that are filled sporadically, as if no one cares about them, they are decorated with cobwebs and covered with dust.Among them, the child's window stood out.No dust at all, clean and shiny.

"Sorry, I just came to see you now."

This was the first time Bae Jin Young came to see her after the child's death.Because after her death, Pei Zhenying was also almost half dead, praying for death every day.Every time I close my eyes, the child will appear in the nightmare to torment myself, covered in blood, and pinch Pei Zhenying's neck every night in the dream.It was an unspeakable pain, and even when he woke up from sleep, that kind of fear surrounded him all the time.

"Minha, I killed you. Although time cannot be turned back, I really suffer every day. I'm sorry."

The child died because of Pei Jinying.

If time could be turned back, if she could go back to that day again, maybe she could survive with just a word from him.

"Do you know, I met a person who is very similar to you. Not only does he look exactly the same, but his habits are very similar. Isn't it amazing? I thought you came back alive."

On the day Min Ha died, he once grabbed Pei Jin Young's wrist and knelt in front of him begging.

Jinyoung, please believe me, please believe what I say.Please, please just trust me.

It was Pei Zhenying who threw those hands away, and when she was pulled by gravity and fell towards the ground, it was Pei Zhenying who failed to catch her in time.Those moments were like poisonous thorns, tormenting Pei Zhenying.In the dream, what the child said was magnified tens of thousands or even hundreds of millions of times, repeating non-stop.

The ear seemed to be spurting blood, and the words kept echoing, you believe me, you listen to me.

By the time Pei Zhenying regretted it, Minha had already fallen asleep in this shabby columbarium looking at the sea she loved most.

Later, Pei Zhenying blamed everything on gravity.

Min Ho wouldn't have died without that damn gravity.

So Bae Jin Young hates gravity.Hate this force majeure.

Wiping Min Ha's spirit card clean seems to be the only thing Pei Jin Young can do for her now.Afraid that she would break it if she touched it easily, Pei Zhenying wiped it very carefully.People who love cleanliness when they are alive, after death, the spirit cards are also so clean, as if someone has wiped them.

"...?"

A piece of paper pasted behind the sign suddenly fell off. It was an old photo.

Speaking of photos, Bae Jinyoung has never seen Minha's family, so will anyone come to visit her?I heard that she has brothers and sisters, but never heard the details.

Pei Zhenying picked up the photo, wiped the dust off it, and suddenly held her breath.The sound of the waves in the distance gradually became louder, his hands began to tremble unconsciously, and the feeling of dizziness swept over again.Thinking about it this way, the child had mentioned it before.

Huang Minha said that she has an older brother.I always make him suffer and make him feel tired, so I can only bury my brother in my heart who I absolutely don't want to bother easily.In the photo, that person showed a smile that made Pei Zhenying's hair stand on end.

That person is Hwang Minhyun.

#Y University Economics 3rd grade, Huang Minxuan's monologue

I had no intention of kissing at first.

Also, I hate gravity too.

When I was a middle school student, my parents died in a traffic accident.Our family was originally poor, and the death of my parents undoubtedly made things worse for me. All I was left with was a younger sister who was still in elementary school at the time.Whether that child will be happy or not in the future will depend on me.It may be because she is too young, she can only cry.I hate it when she cries all day in front of shabby parent pictures at a nobody-attended funeral.Although I cried too, I quickly understood that crying can't change anything, and crying can't bring back the dead parents.

The little property and insurance money left by our parents were taken away by scammers, and we were sent to the home of relatives we didn't know.It is said to be from the father's side, the only relatives that can be contacted, a 40-year-old prostitute who hangs around the fireworks site with indecent behavior every day, and her alcoholic concubine.Since then, every day has been hell.At that time I was not tall, and Minha was even weaker.We live in endless violence every day, and the only thing I can do for Min Ho is to hold her in my arms when she is being beaten, to make myself a little bit worse than when she was beaten.In tears and blood, I have resented the irresponsible parents who abandoned our brothers and sisters in this world countless times.

The school I went to at that time reluctantly accepted me under the terms of the state's support for children from low-income families.In fact, the government has not completely abandoned poor people like us.However, when Minha went to school, because she had no money to buy expensive school uniforms, she could only endure the ridicule of her classmates, and wore the boy's school uniform I used to wear to class every day.

"When you go to high school, my brother will be able to save money to buy you nice school uniforms."

In the end, it turned out to be an agreement that could not be kept.

In the continuous domestic violence, Minhe and I always had new wounds and old wounds, and my psychology was also greatly affected. I began to hate women.When I became an adult, I rented a small room in Noryangjin with government grants and wages from working day and night.Despite being run down, it leaks when it rains, the toilet is always clogged and the hot water often stops flowing.But I don't care if I can get rid of the shadow of domestic violence and regain my freedom.Although I escaped from the nightmare, Min Ha became a thorn in my heart because I couldn't take her away.

I really looked like a fool, I should have cared more about her then, but in order to get into university and get a full scholarship, I only cared about studying day and night.Seeing the injuries on her body, he only thought of being beaten by the old woman again, but never thought of asking her if she was doing well at school.Just because the child said that she was very happy at school, had a boyfriend, and had a group of friends who treated her well.So I believed it. I only wanted to work hard to bring her happiness, but I didn't expect to hear the news of her death.

I really didn't expect that when Minhe was 16 years old, when I was recognized by all the professors in the university, swept all the championship trophies in all competitions, and became a high-profile talent, Minhe died and became It became a cold corpse on campus, pulled by gravity from the roof and fell straight to the ground, bleeding from head to toe.

"How could she have fallen from the roof? The height of the railing was higher than her shoulders. If it wasn't for some deliberate behavior, she wouldn't have fallen, right??"

"Student, this case has been determined to be a simple fall accident."

"I heard that she had signs of being beaten on her body, and there were witnesses to testify. This was clearly caused by school violence. Why did you cover up the truth? Are you still a policeman? There is absolutely no way Min Ho committed suicide!!"

"You are a student of economics at University Y, right? Since you are a smart person, you should know what to do? Does your family have a backstage? Is there a lot of money? It seems that you don't know this society very well. The parents of the students here are all well-known. You can't afford to offend those people. Besides, didn't they all give you settlement money? Take the money and live your life well, don't delay your life, this is the way this world is, the weak eat the strong."

"..."

"Although Minha is very pitiful, there are dozens of cases like this every year, if not hundreds. You just need to close your eyes to get through it. With time, you will forget about it in the future. Anyway, you have accepted the settlement money, why bother?" Are you going to make a big deal out of it?"

"I didn't accept it."

"what?"

"I did not accept the settlement money."

This world is far dirtier than I imagined, and I am really stupid to be desperate for that little hope.Why didn't he wake up until now, why didn't he understand until after Min Ho left.If I had known earlier that it was useless to hope, I would have hugged her earlier, cared for her and cared for her.

However, it is too late to regret now.All I could do was kneel at her humble funeral and cry while hugging the new school uniform I had just bought for her.

In fact, I once tried to commit suicide by stepping over the railing of the Mapo Bridge, looking at the water of the Han River and wanting to entrust myself to the damn gravity.However, the world didn't seem to want to abandon me, and the police suddenly arrived and rescued me, so I didn't die.But I actually tried it once. I hung my neck from the ceiling and tried to hang myself, but because the house was so old, the ceiling couldn't bear my weight at all.

Life is really incomprehensible. You can't do whatever you want while you're alive, and you can't even die.Is this God giving me a hint, as long as I hold on a little longer, maybe I can embrace happiness.Or maybe the dead Min Ha was conveying a message to me, she said, one day, she will become happy.

Actually, Minha and I look very similar, especially in terms of habits and hobbies.The only thing she left me was that yellow scarf, which she cherished like a treasure.Then there is a diary, which is not a child who loves to write a diary.There was nothing else, and Hwang Minha just disappeared.Disappeared from this filthy world like a child who never appeared.

I decided to live like I learned at my parents' funeral that crying wouldn't change anything.Since you can't die, let's live.Before I knew it, two years had passed.I always feel that there are still traces of her in the neighborhood where Min Ha lived before her death.So I found a job as a tutor there, and Bae Danyun was my first student.Although I have also wondered why such a rich family would find a college student as a tutor, but anyway, I like this job very much.

When the rainy season comes, I usually go out with an umbrella.That day, I met Pei Zhenying for the first time. The sudden shower made him completely soaked, and he looked pitiful shivering under the eaves, which gave me the urge to send him home.The funny thing is, as soon as he saw my face, he gave a ghostly expression, as if he saw a dead person come back to life.Of course, I think, it's because I'm good-looking.

Pei Zhenying's liking for me is very obvious.Of course, he was originally a simple child who couldn't hide his face.Even though he always pretended to be calm, his innocent face was full of concern.He deliberately asked me to talk to me with questions, calculated my arrival time and met me by chance, and then went home together, no matter how late I was, he would show up on time when I came, and he didn't dare to look at me, blushing Bae Jinyoung is so cute.

I don't know why I had such an idea.Maybe this child is a collection of all the happiness I have lost since I was born, because I began to feel happiness.When I met his eyes, seeing him shy made my heart beat.When I gave him a lecture, the touch of his skin made my heart beat.Three days a week, he waits for me and makes my heart beat.This feeling of being loved is heart-pounding, and this is the taste of happiness that I have never felt before.So I started wanting more, wanting to hold his hand, want to hug him, want to kiss him.

"Jinyoung, I like you."

When I said this confession, Pei Zhenying said "I'm sorry" without hesitation, and instinctively rejected me as if it was a knee-jerk reflex.To be honest, I was very surprised, the raindrops outside seemed to hit my heart.The child himself seemed a little surprised, not knowing what to do.It didn't look like a mistake. I waited for him to adjust his state for a long time, but he didn't get the result I was looking for.

I felt that it was a bit presumptuous to continue holding his hand, so I let go of his hand, and Pei Zhenying's hand began to tremble slightly.

Forget it, Hwang Min Hyun, not everyone likes men like you, there is no happiness in your life.

After that, I didn't see Pei Zhenying again for a long time. He seemed to be avoiding me on purpose.It's funny how I got dumped by an 18 year old and got emotionally hurt because of it.I asked Pei Danyun about Pei Zhenying's situation, and he said that he was sick and hospitalized.Originally he was a frail and sick brother. I wanted to secretly visit him in the hospital, but who knows, maybe I made him sick.Maybe after a while, Pei Zhenying figured it out again, I'd better wait.

A few days later, when I was considering whether to call Pei Zhenying, I suddenly became busy.The competition season is coming again. As the leader of economics at Y University, I have to devote all my energy to preparing materials, interviewing and discussing with professors and teammates every day, and I am too busy.

Then, that day came.If possible, I really want to delete that day from my life.

On the day when the contest ended, the seniors who were about to graduate invited all of us to have dinner together before leaving.Knowing that I can't drink alcohol, the juniors still insist on persuading me to drink alcohol.In order to avoid the enthusiasm of the younger generation, I fled to the other table where I was chatting.

"By the way, Minhyun, I accidentally heard something about your sister's case."

"what?"

It never occurred to me that there are things in this world that can destroy me.

"The person I knew used to be an English teacher in B Middle School, and now he has been promoted to a professor. I recently asked him for help with a thesis, so I invited him to dinner. I happened to talk about it, and I heard about it. There's a big shady scene behind it."

"What's going on?"

"That day, there was a person on the rooftop with your sister."

"Is there anyone else on the roof?"

"That's right, this is the first time you know, right? I don't know if it has something to do with that kid, but Minha was clearly with him before he fell off the building. That kid is probably the key clue to this incident, but it's strange What's more, the other students were investigated because of the rumors, but the kid's identity is unknown, and he didn't even participate in the on-site investigation, don't you think it's strange?"

"..."

"Also, that guy himself said that he was the only witness, but the atmosphere at the school didn't allow him to speak, and he felt very depressed."

"..."

"I heard that the kid is the grandson of President Bae Hyun-jae of D Pharmaceutical, don't you feel a little bit?"

"D Pharma? Then..."

"Yeah, it's completely like a TV drama, right? That kid didn't participate in the on-site investigation at all, as if he didn't exist in the first place. Before Min Ha committed suicide, the people who stayed on the rooftop with him were the top 10 conglomerates in Korea. The eldest grandson. The case ended quickly. He fell to his death. Is it too many coincidences?"

"Can you go into more detail? Like his name, home address?"

"Oh, yes, that kid's name seems to be..."

I haven’t smoked for more than two years. I used to hate cigarettes very much. After Minha’s death, I accidentally tasted a cigarette. I think it is a masterpiece that combines all the sweetness and bitterness in the world.So I was depressed all day long like a madman, addicted to smoking.But no matter how vicious the smoke was, it couldn't alleviate my pain in hell, so I quit it again.For some reason, I suddenly want to smoke.

"That kid's name seems to be... Pei Zhenying? That's right, it's Pei Zhenying."

Remembering the day I confessed to Bae Jin Young, he had a very strong reaction to my scarf.It was a gift from Min He's boyfriend, and she kept it carefully.Why didn't I notice something was wrong at that time?Is it because you are blinded by love?

When I ran outside to smoke a cigarette, I happened to bump into Pei Zhenying's big round eyes, his innocent face that couldn't see clearly, and it made my heart start beating again.Then I noticed that he was holding a girl on his left hand.

Perhaps, the relationship between you and me is not fate, but a sinful relationship. We have committed unforgivable sins to each other in our previous lives.

"Is it someone you know?"

"do not know."

At that time, while I was begging for such an answer from Pei Jinying, I felt as if my heart was being torn apart.Facing his face, I began to be at a loss.Even if he said he knew me, I couldn't respond to him.So thank you, Bae Jin Young.Also, Bae Jin Young, please tell me that none of this has anything to do with you, isn't wanting to lose love a kind of ambition for me?

The reason I survived is to find the happiness that was lost in the long life in the future, but why don't I even deserve that little bit of happiness.

That night, I waited for a long time at the station that Pei Zhenying would definitely pass by.I have something to say to him.

Jinyoung, I have something to say.

I'm Hwang Minha's older brother.

Please tell me the truth, tell me, it's not you, it has nothing to do with you.

But why at that time, Pei Zhenying said "I love you" first.

"Minhyun hyung, I miss you. Minhyun hyung, I love you."

Why do you say these words with such a sad expression, as if if I don't respond to this feeling, I will immediately fall into the abyss of eternal doom.My heart began to soften, why did the arm that was held by me become so slender after a few days of absence, why did I wear such thin clothes in such a cold weather.

Why, it's you.

I really didn't want to kiss, but my instinct did.Like the dead Min-ho who succumbed to the pull of gravity, my love was also pulled by gravity and fell into the abyss.It may be that my instincts showed me their last cares.

Whether I said "I'm sorry" to Pei Jinying, to myself, or to Minha, I'm no longer sure.I just know that I would have been very upset if I hadn't said that at the time.

But Pei Zhenying.

Why are you asking me to kiss me again with such a cute expression.

Why would I say yes.

Why is kissing with you so sweet.

Why is my heart beating so hard.

I really don't know anything now.