To my dear Mr. Meng

There is a door there, but I would never choose to go through it.As long as Meng Qiansheng hangs a picture on the door and tells me that it is a wall, I will believe it is a wall.

What makes me sad is that he won't even take the time to hang a picture.

I couldn't fall asleep, and kept my eyes open all night.

Before dawn in the morning, I heard Meng Qiansheng getting up to pack his luggage, probably going on a business trip again.Sometimes I feel that he is so busy in this line of work that he sleeps in heaven, wondering if the dream will be light.

I wanted to ask him where he was going, but the words just rolled between my teeth and swallowed like saliva.

In the afternoon, I couldn't get out of bed, my bones were so sore that I could squeeze out water, my chest felt tight and my breath was tight at any time, and I felt dizzy when I woke up.I called the company to ask for leave, and the manager kindly asked me to take a good rest and take care of my body.I knew it was a polite remark, but somehow I wanted to cry when I heard it. For a few seconds, I really thought I was going to die on the bed.After taking a breath, I let go of the hand that was holding the rein, and the phone made a crimson indentation on the palm, and the clothes behind me were all wet, sticking to the skin coolly.Lying like this until night, I stumbled up, dug out the sleeping pills hidden in the bag, and went to the kitchen to pour water—this journey seemed to take half an hour.

Under the bright light of the kitchen, the blade inserted into the knife holder glowed with a calm and serene cold light, and the blade was glowing with light silver gray, like the fog on the river in the spring morning.

I pulled out the one I usually use for chopping vegetables.This knife is the fastest, and I accidentally cut my fingers several times.I made a gesture according to my wrist. I heard that it is very difficult for ordinary people to cut the deadly blood vessels, which made me hesitate a bit, fearing that the pain would not kill me if I cut it.

This is very tragic, and there is a little embarrassment in the tragedy, and the embarrassment is a little funny. Thinking of this, I couldn't help laughing at the knife.A pale human face jumped out of the knife. The angle of the light made it appear that the face had high cheekbones and was hideously thin.

Walking back to the bedroom with the knife in hand, I remembered that the medicine was still in the kitchen, so I had to go back to get the medicine panting again.After lying on the bed and taking the medicine, my lower body was exhausted, so I had to let the knife drop on the table. As far as I could reach, there was only a bedside table with a water glass, sleeping pills and a copy of Meng Qiansheng's "The Economist". It's brought over.

I don't really want to read, I can't think about anything right now, I just desperately need something to get the suicidal thoughts out of my head and distract me.

Turning to a page at random, every word in it seems familiar, but I can’t remember what it means. I stare at an "and" in a daze, and suddenly find that the word is repeated all over the page, and I can’t linger when I close my eyes. More and more, denser and denser, forming a strange net.I put aside the magazine, rolled up the covers, and buried myself in the dark.

I fell towards the endless place, as if three or five years had passed, my whole body trembled suddenly, and I woke up with a start.

The clock on the wall showed that only two hours had passed, but I didn’t feel sleepy anymore. The bedside lamp was still on, and I didn’t bother to reach out to turn it off. I closed my eyelids under the light, and my eyes were blood red.

I really hope that a sudden accident, be it a power outage, an earthquake, or whatever, will turn off this damned light.

I was covered in the quilt until dawn, heard the faint sound of doors closing up, down, left, and right, voices from downstairs coming from outside the window, and the rough sound of the old-fashioned iron pan being turned by the spatula. It came from my ears, and in this half-heard, I seemed to smell the rotten smell of my body. When I lifted the quilt, I found that it was dark outside again.

During these ten hours, the only thing I thought about was to convince myself to sit up and get out of bed to get the knife.

But the knife is too far away, and the room is hatefully big.

After staying alive until after nine o’clock in the evening, I got up and took medicine as if I had been released from prison. There were only three pills left, and I simply ate them all in one gulp.

While waiting for sleep to fall, I kept wondering if three sleeping pills would kill me.

If only it could be settled like this, I thought vaguely.No, what if Meng Qiansheng came back and saw that he was stimulated after he died?What if the landlord makes trouble for him?By the way, there is also my mother, she will definitely make a big fuss, and I will be too sorry for Meng Qiansheng.Let's get through today and get up tomorrow morning to write a suicide note.

It was so exhausting.

I seemed to sleep for a long time, and it seemed to only sleep for an hour, and I seemed to wake up in the middle, but I am not sure if it was a dream.What annoying voice came from the sky persistently, and finally dragged me out of the muddy chaos.

The upper and lower eyelids seemed to be sewn together, and it took a whole year to open the eyes.

The world is full of hazy shadows, the light is stuck to a layer of rough edges, and the whole thing looks like a Monet painting.I first saw a pair of eyes, and slowly a complete set of facial features, and finally a familiar face.

Meng Qiansheng?

He was talking eagerly, and my ears seemed to be filled with water, and I couldn't hear clearly.I barely heard my own name until he had finished.

Memories after that were a complete mess.

What I remember most clearly is the weather that day, there was no cloud in the sky, the wind was clear, and the sun was shining brightly, like a sharp knife hanging above the head.The strong smell of disinfectant and the endless inspections in the hospital made me want to vomit. Every corner was full of people, like a nest of social animals. It was scorching hot and exuded an indescribable stench.

Only then did I realize that I had slept for two days.

The doctor told me that I hadn’t eaten for too long and asked me to hang the water. I said I would not hang the water, but Meng Qian ignored it and patted the back of my neck, like calming an animal that cannot speak.Afterwards, I registered for a heart and lung examination, and went to the brain department. The X-rays were taken, and the doctor saw it. They all said that there was no problem. They said that there would be no long-term chest tightness and headaches for no reason like mine. The doctors in the two departments recommended it. Go to the psychiatrist.

I was dumbfounded when I heard it.

Meng Qian was taken aback for a moment.

Walking out of the consulting room, Meng Qiansheng seemed a little hesitant, looking at me worriedly.I told him word for word that I was not sick.

He agreed with me in a good voice, but I don't think he listened to it at all, obviously remembering what the doctor said.Sure enough, as soon as he walked to the hospital lobby, he tentatively offered to refer me to a psychiatrist.

I was so panicked that my heart was beating wildly, and I couldn't say anything.No matter how much he coaxed and lied, I couldn't talk, and tears came down while talking.

Meng Qiansheng was taken aback, and I was also taken aback.

He was in a mess, and quickly took out a tissue to wipe it for me. I felt terribly ashamed, and the more I tried to hold back, the more my tear glands became uncontrollable, and they rushed out like a flood. He took another one, and the people who passed by had already turned their heads. When I came to see it, I seemed to see a monkey walking in with clothes on.

Finally went.

Meng Qiansheng used all his vacation and personal leave, and asked for a full half a month. He was worried about single-diagnosis, and registered three hospitals in one go. I lost my temper because of this. By the gesture of scolding.

Since I was a child, I have been very shy about diseases and doctors. During the days when I was waiting to see a doctor, my mind turned over and over again. When I was a child, everyone called my aunt a lunatic, secretly spit on her back, and the neighbor’s Uncle Lin screamed and was tied up in a lunatic asylum. Car.

Without sleeping pills, I couldn't sleep at all, with my eyes wide open all night, plus fear, auditory hallucinations and body pain all at the same time, I lay in bed thinking I was sleeping on a boat in the center of a whirlpool, seeing things He was dizzy and dizzy, and the sheets could be soaked in cold sweat, so he could only hold on to Meng Qiansheng next to him, crying and calling his name.Sometimes the headache makes me almost collapse, and I can't stop banging my head against the wall, and he will hold me half-hugged and half-pressed on the bed. I don't know how to restrain and control myself. He was so dumb that he couldn't make a sound, so he was forced to be quiet.

Among the three numbers, two are the psychiatric departments of the tertiary hospitals, and the other is a psychiatric hospital, which is said to be more authoritative in terms of psychiatry.

Fuck the authority.Who wants to be stamped that they are out of their minds?

The psychiatric examinations were inexplicable. They did a bunch of messy test scales, measured blood pressure, what EEG, and looked at the focal length of the eyes.The first hospital said I had depression, but the latter two diagnoses said it was bipolar disorder type [-], and now I am in the depression period and have insomnia.

I asked the doctor what was going on, and the doctor said it was bipolar disorder, with depression and mania alternating. Type II has a long period of depression and a short period of mania, and it is easy to be misdiagnosed as ordinary depression.

I said I had never heard of this disease.

The doctor is old and gentle and patient, I guess because he's been around crazy people all day—and now I'm one of them, which is incredible.

The doctor asked me, "Is this from your family?"

I nodded, and Meng Qiansheng held my shoulder and said, "I'm his brother."

The doctor told Meng Qiansheng about my illness for a long time, but my train of thought couldn't keep up with them, and I became tired after listening for a long time with a little concentration, so I had to stare at the parasol tree outside the window to pass the time.Before leaving, the doctor prescribed a bunch of western medicines and told me to observe carefully, saying that the side effects of psychotropic drugs are not small, but if you can’t adapt or feel uncomfortable, you must communicate in time. He also left a business card so that you can contact me at any time if you have any questions.

On the way out, Meng Qiansheng kept holding my hand.There are people coming and going in the hospital, no one thinks we are so strange, there are many strange people here.

For a moment, it seemed to me that the disease was not so bad.

When Meng Qiansheng came back to help get the medicine, I pointed out to him the billboards on the wall hanging on the types of mental illnesses and popular science on medication: "Six serious mental illnesses: schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, persistent delusional disorder (paranoia) Sexual psychosis), bipolar (affective) disorder, mental disorder caused by epilepsy, mental retardation accompanied by mental disorder, etc.

I said, "My aunt is schizophrenic. Maybe it's hereditary."

He held my hand and squeezed it: "It's okay, I'm here."

I looked into his eyes, thinking that when I confessed that I liked him back then, I also cried in fright in the middle of the speech, and instead asked him, a startled person, to comfort me.Thinking about it this way, it seems that Meng Qiansheng will help me carry all the bad things I encounter.

Meng Qiansheng is such a good Meng Qiansheng, but unfortunately I can't match him.

I really hope that he can be proud all his life, but I also hope that he will drown with me in this never-ending swamp.

Meng Qiansheng hugged me to sleep every night.One night when I got up in the middle of the night, he woke up and found that there was no one around him. He was almost frightened to death. When he found me in the bathroom, his hands were as cold as ghosts.The next day I found that the knives in the kitchen and the sharp tools at home had all been received where I couldn't find them, and they were only taken out again when he needed them.

In the first half of the month, I spent almost all of my time testing medicine, and the dose was far from enough for treatment. The strong side effects of the medicine made me completely cut off the idea of ​​going out, let alone going to work, so Meng Qiansheng asked me if I would consider resigning temporarily.He's been very careful with his words when talking to me recently, and every sentence seems to be uttered after careful consideration.

I agreed.

Sertraline and sodium valproate made my hands tremble so much that I couldn’t hold anything, and I had to rely on him to feed me for the first few days; my memory deteriorated wildly, and I often couldn’t say what I said, even my resignation letter was sent by Ghostwritten by Meng Qiansheng.Every day I only stay in two places: leaning on the toilet and throwing up in the bathroom until I can't stand up, or lying on the bed and doing nothing.I can’t read, the drugs make me lose my concentration and let me down. I read a normal book for half an hour and the first line is still there. I read it word by word. .

This feeling is particularly terrifying, and reminds me of Charlie Gordon after his IQ has deteriorated.

After I was diagnosed with the disease, the thing that had been tense in my mind broke instantly, and I never tried to force myself to pretend that nothing had happened. I put the dark side of shame on the table in a grand manner, and let all the negative thoughts of the world be overwhelmed. out.Because I was afraid of side effects, I would resist taking the medicine or pretend to cooperate, and secretly throw away the medicine that I should take, forcing Meng Qiansheng to watch me swallow it every day, and open my mouth to check - twice I pressed the medicine on my tongue Underneath, he pretended to eat it, and spit it out as soon as he left.

In the first few days, the medicine was not effective enough. I was driven crazy by depression, body pain and side effects. I hugged Meng Qian and cried bitterly, begging him not to let me take the medicine. Once, the noise lasted until 04:30 in the morning, and he barely slept until [-] o'clock. He got up again to wash and go to work.

Sometimes it’s because I’m afraid of having nightmares, and sometimes it’s because I’ve taken medicine at night but I don’t feel sleepy. I feel nervous and anxious. I suspect that the medicine won’t work for me. The nervousness and anxiety make my nerves tense. It’s almost impossible to fall asleep, so Meng Qiansheng has to stay awake. Chatting with me, often at two or three o'clock in the morning, I heard that he was so tired that he was fuzzy, so I asked, "Are you asleep?"

He woke up immediately, said no, and asked me if there was any discomfort.

I almost began to feel sorry for him, so I pretended to be sleepy and said I was sleepy and wanted to sleep.

He groped for my hand, said good night, and immediately fell asleep.

One day after he came back, I didn’t hear the sound for a long time. I went to the living room and found that he had fallen asleep on the sofa. Then I noticed that he would sit on the sofa for a while when he came back from get off work every day. Man smokes on balcony.He also started to smoke heavily. Every time I counted the ashtray, there were always seven or eight cigarette butts in it.

I walked into the kitchen, and while he was making soup, he called his colleagues about work matters. When he heard the sound, he smiled at me, and when he hung up the phone, he said, "Why did you run out? I'll eat stewed chicken with matsutake mushrooms at night. I'll make you a candied lotus root."

I watched him peel the lotus root neatly, and asked slowly, "Are you tired after being so busy every day?"

"Not tired."

I also smiled and stopped talking.

He was almost fooled.

Every month he took me for a reexamination on time. I asked the doctor when it would be better, but the doctor could not give a definite answer, only said that at least one to three years should be taken continuously.Every time I couldn't help asking whether the condition was mild or serious, he always refused to say, telling me not to worry, medicine is an aid, the important thing is to try to adjust my emotions, if you don't resist, you can try psychological counseling.

I can't do counseling.I couldn't say a single word of what was in my heart to outsiders, because I was too mentally alert, and even had a headache, so the psychological consultation was nothing.

The dose of the medicine gradually stabilized, and I would occasionally get sick, and my self-loathing reached the peak. Every word, every movement and expression of Meng Qiansheng made me feel that he was blatantly praising and sarcasm, rejecting all his persuasion and enlightenment, Threatened to show him death, and taunted him with very ugly words.

I can only see myself with my eyes, like a sinister evil god, accepting worship calmly, and threatening my believers to kill themselves to prove their loyalty.I seem to have become a shadow of my mother, wielding a knife in people's hearts under the guise of true love.

Once, Meng Qian got angry and said: "He Yujun, I know you are sick and should take care of you, but if you insist on living like a mess, no one can save you." Then he slammed the door and left.

I really felt like the sky was falling, and I was crying while looking for the knife he hid.Before he rummaged through the drawers, he came back aggressively, hugged me, and apologized to me.I wiped all my tears on his shirt and said I would never scold him again.

As I took the medicine longer and longer, my condition seemed to stabilize, and the relationship between me and Meng Qiansheng seemed to be getting better.

But it's actually getting farther and farther away, I know.

I can't help him with anything, whether it's work, money, housework or just a piece of advice on buying a house, and he won't let me do it.When he's busy, I'll just sit next to him and watch over him, like a cat or dog or whatever.

It is something that is raised by him, to be enjoyed, entertained, and cared for. It can be the object of all pleasures, except that it is not the object of living together.

When I was alone at home and waited for Meng Qiansheng to leave work, I would think, if it wasn't for the diagnosis of this disease, we should have parted ways.But neither of us mentioned the breakup again, as if those biting quarrels and hysterical episodes never existed, and the two of us still understand and love each other as they did a long time ago.

But this tenderness is obviously fake, it is a Seven Treasure Tower built on the rotten wood eroded by sea water, it looks pearly and bright, but the bottom is rotten to the bone.

It's like saving a terminally ill person, who depends on a lot of money every day to continue his life. What we have worn away is all the feelings of more than two decades.

I like him so much, cherish him, even if one day the whole world is fucked up, I hope he can live to the new era safe and sound.

The muddle-headed days passed quickly, autumn seemed to have never come, and it was already winter at the end of the year.

In late December, Meng Qiansheng was very busy with work, and almost only came back to sleep at night.We went out for dinner on Christmas Eve, which was an early birthday celebration for him, because he had to work overtime the next day.I hadn't thought of a suitable gift, and the watch had nearly wiped out my savings, so I settled on a silk tie and a bouquet of white roses.

Meng Qiansheng took the flowers, kissed me, and asked with a smile, "Have you spent all the money in your card?"

"There is still some left." I thought for a while, "Don't give it away on my birthday, just wrap me a 300 yuan red envelope."

The tip of his nose rubbed back and forth on my face, smiling all the time.

On Christmas Day, I went to the city center alone to watch a movie at 08:30. It was only after seven o’clock when I arrived.

Zhongtai Plaza is right next door, I thought it was still early, so why not take a look at him, and then send a text message to ask when I will leave work.When I walked into the cafe, I suddenly received a reply from him, saying that I am busy tonight and get off work late, so let me not wait.

I had no choice but to sit in the cafe, holding a cup of coffee in a daze.

The wind chimes at the door jingled, and I turned around subconsciously. A woman came in, pushed the door for her with the other hand, and followed her in.

I didn't see it clearly at the first glance, but at the second glance, they had already walked in, and the light was shining warmly on them, like glistening sugar oil.My neck was so stiff that I almost blurted out his name.

The heating temperature in the store was very high. The two sat down at a long table and took off their overcoats. Meng Qiansheng was carrying a computer bag and a bag with the logo of a famous jewelry brand in his hand. Fang Wenqian took his overcoat naturally, and even He folded his own together and held them in his arms.The two kept talking, maybe she said some cute one-liners, which made Meng Qian laugh, and looked at her for a moment.

When the two lips were pressed together, the light just illuminated the profile of Meng Qiansheng's face, which was a wonderful angle where light and shadow merged. Fang Wenqian put one hand on his shoulder, and the soft lines unique to women were covered by the smoky gray The woolen suit is lined with extremely white, which reminds people of the warm jade in the charcoal gray, or the fresh snow under the cloudy sky.

How precious is the lover's eye, which contains spring water, starlight, and long years.

There was still a little coffee left in the cup, and I thought not to waste it, but it turned out to be too cold.

After they left, I followed the checkout and went out. When I saw the two figures under the umbrella walking towards the opposite cinema, I couldn't help standing still.After waiting for a long time, I threw away the movie ticket in my pocket and let out a long sigh of relief. A cloud of white mist rose in the air and disappeared in a blink of an eye.

10:30 Meng Qiansheng came back.

I looked away from the TV, but he didn't make a sound. He asked first, "Have you taken your medicine?"

"Ate."

He sat down beside me and kissed my face: "Going out today?"

"Go to the library."

"What did you have for dinner?"

"Noodles. Eat in restaurants."

"It's been raining since the afternoon, did you get wet when you came back?"

"I brought an umbrella and took a taxi back."

He pinched my ears and said with a smile: "Go to bed early, I'll take a shower." To stand up, I grabbed the hem of his clothes, and he raised his eyebrows puzzled, "What's wrong?"

"Are you busy tonight?"

"Not busy. What's the matter?"

"I want you to stay with me for a while."

He smiled, as if a little helpless: "Okay, then wait for me to come out of the shower."

I lay on the bed with my eyes closed, and when I heard footsteps coming in, I put a hand on my forehead: "Are you feeling unwell? I think you're not in a good mood today."

"Kiss me and I'll be fine." I said.

He really bowed his head and kissed me, and said with a smile, "Then are you alright now?"

I smiled: "Okay."

I turned off the lights and lay down, the people around me were so quiet that it seemed as if they didn’t exist, I turned over and hugged him, and he stroked my arm: “Can’t sleep?”

I said, "Meng Qiansheng, you are over 26."

"You will be 26 the day after tomorrow." He replied softly.

"It flies so fast," I said.

He smiled softly.

The 31st was the weekend, Meng Qiansheng went to the company to work overtime in the morning, and agreed to walk around the street with me in the afternoon and eat out in the evening.I guess he was looking for Fang Wenqian in the morning, but then he felt that he was thinking about boring things all day, so he played games for a long time.

It was less than two o'clock, and he came back on time, waiting for me to change clothes and go out.When I got in the car, I reached out to pull the seat belt of the co-pilot, and inadvertently found a long hair stuck to it.

"Why are you in a daze?" Meng Qian asked in a low voice.

"I'm thinking about what to eat tonight." I leaned over and kissed his face, and fastened my seat belt.

Originally, we said we would go home early after dinner, trying to stagger the traffic control at night.As a result, the shopping malls and restaurants were full, and the food was served slowly. By the time we finished eating and were about to pick up the car, it was already past nine o'clock.Meng Qian said, "Traffic control at nine o'clock, the road must be congested right now. Where are we going now, or do you want to go back?"

I shook my head, thought for a while, and said, "Otherwise, let's go to the river to watch the fireworks."

The Binjiang Avenue was full of dense crowds, and from a distance it looked like it was covered with a layer of oil that was so viscous that it could barely flow.The smell of duck down jackets worn by men, the aroma of shampoo emanating from women's long hair, the heat of coffee and the salty smell of Kanto cooking, the colors and smells are crushed by the crowd here.The wide river surface is black and frozen, decorated with delicate yellow gold rims. When the night wind blows, the black water becomes wrinkled. Thousands of stars in the sky are all blown into the water, weeping earnestly in the ripples. Damp.

People can't decide where to go at all, the crowd engulfs us forward, walking into the depths of the cold night without hesitation.The ground was full of shadows of the missing master, Meng Qiansheng simply took my hand and put it into his coat pocket, ten cold fingers touched head to toe inside.

When the first cluster of fireworks was lit on the river, the crowd let out long cheers.Everyone was shaking, trying to squeeze closer to the railing of the river. I felt like an involuntary sardine in the sea. When I stood still and turned back, Meng Qiansheng who was by my side had disappeared.

The gray smog in the night sky refused to disperse, and the fireworks were even more dazzling. The last child fell straight into every eye by the river, turning into a colorful and passionate dream, and slowly burning to ashes.

I suddenly recalled the New Year when I just turned sixteen. A disobedient boy brought small firecrackers to the school to scare people. Everyone was standing together crowded together. Suddenly there was a loud noise, which scared everyone away. I was Talking to Meng Qiansheng, I was pushed by someone in a panic, and hit the glass on the door, the glass was smashed to pieces immediately, my arm was cut, and blood dripped all over the ground, Meng Qiansheng took me to the school infirmary Rinse, simple disinfection and then sent to the hospital for stitches.In the taxi, he kept holding my arm to look carefully, and from time to time wiped off the dripping blood with cotton.I saw that his face was white with fright, and his eyebrows were especially black when they were knit together, it almost melted my heart.

At that time, I didn't dare to confess that I liked him, and I wanted to coax him to death, so I said, isn't it just right that you were born on Christmas?

He didn't look up, what's the right thing to ask?

I said, Jesus is the savior, so are you here to save me?

He looked up at me, burst out laughing, and said what nonsense you've been talking about all day.

I took off the ring on my hand and looked at it.Rose gold, not inlaid with fancy diamonds and gems, I don't like those, Meng Qian is careful and knows my likes and dislikes like the back of his hand.Because I have been wearing it all the time, there is a faint white mark on my finger, and the street light is dim, so I can't see it clearly at this time.

I looked and looked and couldn't get enough of it.The mobile phone in my pocket vibrated. It must be Meng Qiansheng looking for me. The crowd finally squeezed me to the edge of the railing. I threw it lightly, and the small metal disappeared in an instant.

In the roar of fireworks that overwhelmed everything, I saw Meng Qiansheng not far away, waving at me with his mobile phone.It’s almost twelve o’clock, and the most grand fireworks are launched into the sky one after another, reflecting the river water and the night sky is golden red, and the crowd rolled up cheering and screaming like huge waves, I couldn’t hear what he said at all, I could only smile at him .

The countdown was louder and louder, and I wanted to kiss him so much, but the crowd between us was as solid as an iron barrel, and I could only be imprisoned in place.

Is ten years long?

too long.It's been so long that I like Meng Qiansheng, it's already a matter of my last life.

The author says:

Charlie Gordon: The mentally handicapped protagonist in "A Bouquet for Algernon" has extraordinary intelligence after undergoing brain surgery, and his intelligence gradually degenerated to the pre-operative level after a period of time.