To my dear Mr. Meng

After buying the train ticket to go home during the Spring Festival, Meng Qiansheng also made a phone call to book a hotel for a few days.

Because of the fact that I was almost killed by a car in the middle of the road that day, he, who has always been good-natured, finally lost his temper unbearably. Luo Xilin sneaked into the bar to steal.

Luo Xilin seemed to be indifferent to everything, except those two good words.Many acquaintances at National Chengchi University heard the rumors that I was gay, and they retreated without asking whether it was true or not.If you say he doesn't know, I definitely don't believe it. I can only say that this person is smart enough to pretend to be confused.

Luo Xilin invited me to the bar again on Friday, and must bring back the drink I invited.I don't know what good news the leader told him in the afternoon. Although he tried his best to conceal it, his pride still leaked through the subtleties of his face.His attitude was firm, and it was hard for me to refuse forcefully, and it was already around ninety o'clock when we walked out drunk with each other's arms.

Standing at the door, I raised my hand to sniff my coat before thinking of picking up the keys.After fumbling around in my pockets, I was sure that I really didn't bring it, so I had to knock on the door lightly with my tail between my legs.

It was nearly ten o'clock, and Meng Qiansheng hadn't come back yet.He worked overtime again today?I scratched my head, not having the slightest impression.Picking up the phone, there was indeed no text message. The number was entered and deleted on the dial screen, and it was not dialed in the end.

Meng Qiansheng should be annoying again, I really don't want to bother him.

The bleak end of a relationship means many things to me, material conflicts, disagreements, and conflicting orientations... In short, it should be a problem that hurts the muscles and bones.For example, my father studied a lot, and he always liked gentle and intelligent women, but he sold himself like an animal just for a sum of money my mother stole from home and a ticket to another place. go out.In his early years, he secretly hid the bust of a female classmate in middle school. The female classmate later moved to a foreign country with her family. She didn't have a deep impression of him as a classmate. Since then, this incident has become the laughing stock of my mother. It is typical for my father. The ironclad proof that the toad wants to eat swan meat.

Occasionally, I would think of the woman outside him, and the scene of seeing her in the hospital that year.Maybe he still has a little sincerity for her, but my mother has nothing.

I firmly believe that myself and Meng Qiansheng are different from them.

No one can understand how much I like Meng Qiansheng.I can't wait to dig out my heart and show it to others, how this cowardly flesh is so hot that people can't hold it because of his name.

Not now.

I don't want to get so angry over a piece of cigarette ash, a piece of clothing, or a missed appointment that I have to spend so much time talking about it that I can't even look them in the eye and say "I love you."This feeling seems to be indestructible, but in fact it is just an old clam, a grain of sand can make it hurt to death.

It's better to just keep silent, at least we still love each other in silence.

The voice-activated light that suddenly turned on made me unable to open my eyes.After a long time, I slowly recovered, put down the hand covering my forehead, and opened my brows, the area between the brows was already wrinkled sorely.

Meng Qiansheng looked at me condescendingly: "Didn't bring the key?"

I'm not sure if I fell asleep just now, I was still staring in a daze, I nodded my head, my head seemed to move, but it didn't seem to.I pressed on the door and wanted to stand up, but I couldn’t find any place to press my fingers. He leaned over and held my arm to help me up. When I got up, I could smell the faint fragrance, the residual fragrance of the perfume warmed by body temperature, like a person sitting next to a stove. lingering dream.

Seeing that I was standing still, he touched the key and frowned: "Drinking again?"

Hearing that he seemed to have a seizure, I was afraid of being scolded, so I responded cautiously.Not daring to answer too loudly, I just swirled it in my nose.

He pursed his lips and glanced at me, said nothing, opened the door and went in.I followed closely behind, peeking at his face, and tentatively said: "Don't be angry, okay?"

As if he had never heard of it, he turned on the light in the living room expressionlessly.I added: "I know I was wrong."

Only then did Meng Qiansheng turn his head to look at me, looked at me for a while, as if he had never seen what I looked like before, and then sighed softly.

My heart is tight.

He walked straight into the bedroom, and then a big towel fell from the sky and covered my head impartially: "Go take a shower. I'll make the bed."

I've never won a lottery ticket, and it's probably all because of a Meng Qiansheng who used up all his luck.

At the end of the year, it is so cold that people will freeze their tongues when they open their mouths. However, it does not snow, and the sky is overcast all day long, with dim yellow curls, like slapping an old blanket, and dirty, smelly, dark yellow dust rises in the air.

I didn't have the guts to go home to die, so I went to my aunt's house for a long time on the morning of New Year's Eve.She seemed to be getting older again, repeatedly saying that I had lost weight.Seeing that her expression was normal, I secretly breathed a sigh of relief. My dad is so self-conscious, and he would never tell the world about me being an unfilial son.

I insinuated and asked about my parents' recent situation, she frowned and smiled: "You asked me instead!" Without waiting for my answer, she asked again, "Did you quarrel with your parents?"

My eyelids twitched, and I said a few irrelevant words in a perfunctory way.Before she left, she sent her to the door, and I caught a glimpse of a framed photo on the chest of drawers, with a black and white group photo inside, which was the one I found in her old book.She noticed my gaze and said, "Your aunt and grandpa passed away two months ago."

I was at a loss for words.She patted my hand and said, "Don't be angry with your parents. There are countless unsatisfactory things in life, and it's no big deal."

I met her eyes and vaguely felt that she knew everything.

Meng Qiansheng returned to the hotel very late, he came out of the corridor, and I was smoking a cigarette on the terrace against the winter wind, and laughed and said that I thought you would not come back for the New Year.

He said that his grandfather was hospitalized and stayed in the hospital for a while.

I asked how the old man was doing, and he took out a cigarette from my arms, held one between his fingers, and said, anyway, people are going to die sooner or later.

I couldn't catch up with these words, and shook the soot silently.The lighter was snapping in his hand, but it couldn't start. Seeing his frowning impatiently, I was about to ask him to ask the front desk for another one, when he suddenly came up to me with a cigarette in his mouth , The cigarette butt touched the cigarette butt I was dangling, and the white smoke rose into the air coquettishly. He took a shallow puff, and the cigarette butt immediately lit up with tiny orange stars.

I saw that his eyes must be greedy and unscrupulous, but he accepted it calmly. The smoke on his lips brushed my face and there was still a lingering warmth, like a visible breath.I threw away the cigarette butt and blew it all into his face in a mischievous puff, and then he pulled back and leaned against the carved railing beside him.

Meng Qiansheng said that he was going to stay in bed tonight and not come back, but his father forced him away.After this sentence, he didn't say anything, just smoked.

I didn't say anything either.Speaking of family members, we are used to this.

The merchants on New Year's Eve Street were closed, and they could only eat in the hotel. There were only three or two tables of diners, and they all ate absent-mindedly.The number of people is small, and the crystal chandelier on the top is inconceivably large, like a vast star cluster.The waiter occasionally opened the door to go in and out, and the joyous laughter unique to the Spring Festival Gala came from the wind, which was too far away to be real.

Almost no one can sleep peacefully on New Year's Eve.Meng Qiansheng was sitting on the bedside reading a book, and I was lying with my back to him. I didn't feel much sleepiness. After closing my eyes for a long time, my eyelids were also tired, and I simply looked aimlessly at the dimly lit room.My insomnia was completely solved by taking sleeping pills with Meng Qiansheng behind my back. I thought of facing him day and night these days, so I didn’t take them with me. Feeling drowsy and dizzy, the apex of the heart twitched, and the nerves trembled with desire.

When the heat falls on the body, it is a whole piece of hot glass, and the hot and dry air is like countless red-hot needles.The windows were not closed tightly, leaving a narrow slit for ventilation. The sound of fireworks one after another was far away in the sky, as if the continuous flames of war from the last century.

Not sure why we're coming back.The feeling of being a foreigner at the edge of the world has never been so vicious as it is now, and the sight of thousands of poisonous arrows shot from all invisible directions at the same time made me extremely humiliated.There was another murmur by my ear, and half of my body hurt from pressure. I pressed my ear, trying to make the sound go away, and then turned over.

The light in the corner of the eye immediately dimmed, Meng Qian blocked the light, moved the light to a place where it could not reach my eyes, and asked, "Too bright?"

"No. I couldn't sleep at all." I sat up halfway, and saw a collection of Kafka's novelettes and short stories on the quilt, and he took a thick and soft cushion and stuffed it behind my head.

"It's noisy." I said.

"Yes, Chinese New Year." He turned a page of the book, and the paper scraped against the cotton quilt cover, making a rough scratching sound.

Then we stopped talking.

I looked at the half-lit table lamp beside the sofa, which was covered by a gorgeous stained glass cover, and I could barely distinguish the colors of old green, blood red, and sea blue on it, reflecting the seemingly invisible The shimmering light is like many little goblin eyes watching.

I slowly feel something is wrong.

My body swelled up like a balloon, swollen to infinite size, and finally turned into a huge but light mass of flesh. This room was too small to hold me.I looked at my hand in surprise. It was still resting peacefully on the quilt, but I clearly felt that it was bigger than the whole bed. I wanted to pull the corner of the quilt, but I couldn’t do it at all. It is to manipulate the bulldozer to accurately shovel up an ant on the ground.Accompanied by the feeling of dizziness, I suddenly fell to the center of the earth.

Probably a dream after falling asleep, I think.

At least two light snowfalls fell after the year, and both of them melted on the ground.Looking down from the floor-to-ceiling windows of the company building, the streets are muddy and the buildings are rough.Maybe because I spent the few days of Chinese New Year in insomnia, I have been suffering from frequent headaches recently, and my memory is much worse.

The leader complained about my laziness, and gave me endless instructions. During the whole process, I stared at the edge of the carpet with geometric patterns and counted. After he finished speaking, I apologized slowly. I was exhausted from standing and talking. But he was angry, and he couldn't say a single word.

The leader let me go out with a blue face.

As soon as I left the company, it started to rain, which was not big, and it was even more annoying.Passing by a thriving pastry shop, the glass door is closed tightly, but the warm aroma of sweets still oozes out, and the light casts honey-golden shadows on the ground through the clear glass.A young mother and child came out. The child had pale gray tears on his face, holding a palm-sized bunny snack in both hands, and said, "Mom, look at how long its ears are."

The mother looked around with the empty box in her hand, but didn't look at him: "Oh, stop playing, eat quickly, and I won't buy it for you after falling on the ground. It costs 20 yuan for such a small thing , It’s really a money grab, if you don’t buy it, you will make a fuss, and you are not obedient at all..."

The child squinted his mouth and said nothing, pouted his lips, and carefully bit off half of the rabbit's face, as if stealing the fruit from the altar.

Out of nowhere, I pushed the door and walked in.The smell of oil and sugar came rolling in, and the line in front of the cash register was full of people. I stood at the end, listening to the two little girls in middle school uniforms discussing which cake to buy in my ears.

The heating in the store was too high, and after a while, my chest was so stuffy that I started to feel palpitations, but I endured it all the time.The clerk smiled sweetly and asked me what I wanted. I turned around and saw the fancy cakes displayed in the freezer. .

Can't wait to push open the door, the cold air poured in fiercely, and the cold sweat on the back gradually subsided.I couldn't remember why I went in just now, I stood there in a daze for a while, and casually put the cake box on the trash can by the side of the road.

Meng Qiansheng went on a business trip, and I immediately asked for a few days of sick leave, lying in bed all day, doing nothing, my head was heavy, with more than a dozen catties of iron in it, tens of thousands of thoughts appeared and died, gathered and scattered like a school of sardines Turn on, the wind gallops, the phosphorescence flickers away, and finally there is nothing but emptiness.

I have never felt so tired before, everything in my body is being delayed by time, and it is being broken into pieces bit by bit.You can hear the crackling sound.

The company's phone calls came and went, and I couldn't handle it, so I dragged my body to the company.

Everyone was idle this afternoon, because a leader celebrated his birthday and wanted to treat guests to dinner in the evening.A large group of people sat in the spacious private room talking and laughing happily, drinking wine and wine, but I couldn't stop sweating, my chest was so tight that the root of my tongue was numb, it was difficult to speak, and my fingers trembled involuntarily while toasting.The body is like a dam, and black water rises from the depths, gradually overflowing the dam, and a little of it has already flowed to the other side.

I wiped off the sweat from my palms, told the leader that I was not feeling well, and wanted to go back first, so excuse me.

When Xingtou heard this kind of words, no matter who he was, he would be very disappointed, but it was not easy to attack, he could only say that he should pay attention to his body and so on, and waved me back.

I was so grateful, I went straight to the bathroom as soon as I got out of the box, and retched for a long time in the cubicle, coughing until my eyes were full of colorful spots.

I took sleeping pills at night, but I still couldn’t sleep. I opened the curtains, and the night was the lifeless black of the mass graves. Many horrible thoughts that I shouldn’t have screamed and passed by. I shivered, and reached for my phone to call Meng Qiansheng. Telephone.

After two rings, I realized it was late at night and hung up immediately, but he called back after a while.

As soon as I said "Hello", he asked, "Why haven't you slept yet?"

"I don't want to do this job anymore, I feel tired", or "I don't feel comfortable, nothing is interesting", these are the things I want to say.But then I thought that these words would only make people upset, before I said them, I felt sorry for him, so I said: "I miss you."

He said at the other end: "I'll be back in a few days. Go to sleep, I'm still going to work tomorrow."

"Did I disturb you to take a rest?" I heard his tired voice, and felt that I should be damned for being so self-willed, so I didn't dare to say anything more.He seemed to sigh: "I haven't slept yet, I'm writing something for tomorrow."

I said ok good night.

With a hasty answer, he took up the line.

In the whole room, I can only hear the sound of blood flowing in my body, as if I am the last living thing in the world.I felt that my body was getting smaller and smaller, and became a grain of sand. The air turned over inadvertently, and the sand grains were crushed into fine powder.

"She felt that there was a curtain between her and him, a barrier. For the first time, she realized that since they were two people, they could never understand each other from the bottom of their hearts, from the depths of their souls. They could walk side by side and sometimes hug each other. Together, but not really one, so each of us will always be alone in our spiritual lives."

The passage in "Life" surfaced, and I returned to that summer afternoon many years ago in a trance.I don't know if it's a memory or a dream, the only thing I can be sure of is that it's been a long, long time.

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