To my dear Mr. Meng

Everything is like a broken piece of glass. You can only watch the cracks spread rapidly in all directions in horror, and feel anxious, but you can't find the original crack.

What I remember most is the strange phone call.Because the number was persistently calling, so with some inexplicable luck, I pressed the connection.

The man's voice on the receiver was very young. I didn't know if he was a student of National Chengchi University, a student of University of International Trade, or a former student of Cha Pengyi.He yelled at me, saying that I am not a thing, I eat Qu Nan's blood steamed buns, and he said why don't you die, a gay man who has lost all children and grandchildren.

My phone didn't turn on again after that until I bought a new SIM card three days later and threw the old one in the trash on the street.The first thing I did was to call my mother and lie that the original mobile phone card was broken.

I opened the one with the highest number of replies among the posts with my name floating around.

The host of the post listed all the news that has been circulated so far, and made "the most reasonable and most possible inference at present."Someone found my classmates and roommates in my undergraduate years, and said that during my college days, I often stayed out at night, my private life was chaotic, not only engaged in homosexuality, but also lived with girls from the University of International Business and Economics. It was disclosed by someone in Meng Qiansheng's roommate, so there is absolutely no fabrication or slander.Qu Nan’s roommate when he was a graduate student also said in an interview that Qu Nan and I had a close relationship before, “I don’t know if they are boyfriend and girlfriend, but they often go out to eat together. It can be seen that Qu Nan likes him very much. very good".A doctoral student under Cha Pengyi once testified for him, saying, "Professor Cha is strict with students, but he usually behaves well and is very kind to students in private. What is Professor Cha's opinion? It's just that once when we were having dinner, Professor Cha explicitly rejected him as a doctor."

The landlord finally said that Zhengda University is the cradle of elite talents in the political and legal circles, and he believes that the results of Zhengda University must be fair and selfless.So is it possible that I deceived Qu Nan's feelings, causing her a psychological blow, and then used this to ask Cha Pengyi for a doctorate. Because Cha Pengyi sternly refused, I planned it all by myself. This trumped-up report of sexual assault has discredited him.

There was a lot of noise in the post, I clicked to turn the page, but it showed that the post had been deleted.By dinner time, all the posts about me and Qu Nan had been deleted, and a new announcement was posted on the front page, prohibiting postings that reveal any personal privacy, and those who violated the rules will have their accounts banned.

My name never came up again.I guess it was set as a sensitive word, because my attempt to clarify my post also showed that it failed to send.

Soon I found myself acting like a naive fool.

I don't quite remember how that time passed.Sometimes I think of that afternoon when I turned off the computer, the sun couldn’t shine through the window, and the whole room was terribly quiet. For a moment, I suspected that I was deaf.Or I just remember that I had to go through the entire school to find Zha Pengyi. Everyone I met on the way cast inexplicable eyes on me, and the people I was with were whispering. I always felt that I heard my own words. Name, I have never hated this rich campus so much as I did back then.The sun melted the skin into a greasy burn, the sweat between the fingers smelled like iron, and the whole hand looked like old rusty metal.Before stepping into the office building, the gloomy air-conditioning hits the face, and you can clearly feel the pores scrambling to close. The skin-colored floor tiles are spotless, reflecting the fluorescent lights above your head, like knives all over the floor.

In addition to these feelings that are still stubbornly planted in my mind, I have left one or two impressions. The emotions at that time have disappeared, and the entire memory is like a large piece of mural that has fallen off, with only sporadic colors remaining on it. A kind of irony that is still gorgeous.

Zha Pengyi didn't threaten me, and he didn't show any resentment towards me. He just asked me to revise my thesis over and over again.

"If you really don't want to graduate, I have no problem."

He took a deep breath and looked up at me.The sunlight haloed on the glass behind him, like a divine light.

"How about the paper?"

"It's still changing."

"Have you eaten yet?"

"Ah."

"I'll wash the dishes, you go and rest."

Mr. Meng stood up to clean up. I helped to bring the soup bowl to the kitchen, cleared the dining table, and stood by the sliding door of the kitchen to watch him wash the dishes.He glanced at me and said with a smile, "What are you doing guarding me?"

I laughed twice.

"Why do you suddenly want to change to a new account?" He asked, "This account is not as easy to remember as your old one."

I rubbed the back of my head: "It's convenient to buy a new card, otherwise I have to re-apply."

Mr. Meng smiled: "Don't be lazy. I couldn't get through the phone after two days of business trip. I thought something happened to you."

"Isn't it good to be here? What can happen?"

The back of my neck was very hot, and I felt uncomfortable, so I said, "It's almost done here, I'm going to take a shower."

He nodded: "Go." He just turned around and stopped me again, asking, "Your school hasn't made things difficult for you these days, has it?"

My heart skipped a beat, and I quickly replied "No" subconsciously. I couldn't tell anything from his face, so I wasn't at ease, "Why are you asking this all of a sudden?"

"Just ask, after all, the trouble is not small, and I'm afraid they will put pressure on you. After all, there is obviously something wrong with Qu Nan... What are you going to do in the future?"

"I don't know. The school wants me not to cause trouble. Probably they also know that I don't have any key evidence, so it's better to let this matter go." I felt a little annoyed, "I shouldn't have stabbed me immediately at the time. Come out, it's too late to talk about the evidence now. Everyone knows that there is something tricky in it, but everyone doesn't say it; Qu Nan's parents are even more..."

"Actually, they are right." Mr. Meng wiped his hands and came over to hold one of my shoulders. "Qu Nan's family has already taken the money, which means that they agree with the result of this process, so don't worry about it." What the truth is, it's over."

"Then Qu Nan died in vain?" I questioned.

He didn't speak, just looked into my eyes.But everything was revealed in those eyes.

I've never felt so angry, it was a cowardly anger.The magma at the bottom of the volcano was tumbling, but the volcanic ash above it was thousands of feet thick, making the magma so small that it could only hit the stone wall in vain, making a small whimper.

That afternoon, I had just deleted a large section of what I had written when I suddenly received a call from my mother.

"Hello? Mom."

"Where are you?"

"I'm at home." I pressed the phone to my ear with my shoulder, and I typed slowly, a little impatiently, "What's wrong?"

"Are you so impatient when I ask you a few words?" She broke out suddenly, which made my ears buzzing, "Do you still think of me as your mother?"

I was stunned by the scolding, and I didn't know what to say. I just heard her panting heavily on the other end, and it took a long time for me to say in a hoarse voice, "You go home."

"What are you doing at home? I have a lot to do."

She sneered: "You have something to do, you are so busy every day, I didn't see you make a fart."

I squeezed the phone tightly, stroked the raised edge of the J key back and forth with my index finger: "I don't want to quarrel with you."

"If you don't come back, what are you doing at school?"

"What else can I do, write a thesis. How can I graduate without handing in the thesis?"

"Speaking a few words is harder than the stone in the latrine! Don't tell me so much, you pack up your things and come back to me immediately, and then buy a plane ticket."

I pushed the keyboard in, and there was a solid "bang" in the quiet room: "Go back, can you think about me?" As I said that, I stood up suddenly, and all the blood vessels under the entire scalp were throbbing. Get up, making people feel slightly dizzy, "Just say no if there is anything wrong?"

"What do you want from me? Ask yourself!"

My heart shrank suddenly, and I subconsciously asked back: "How do I know?"

"You don't know? You have the nerve to say, how did I raise such a thing as you..."

I hung up and dropped the phone on the table.

The strange thing is that the phone didn't ring again, and I picked it up several times to make sure it didn't break on the table.

Compared with sudden blows, I am more afraid of daily torture.

It's hard for me to explain to you why, and I think people who don't really know it, probably can't understand why Sisyphus's punishment strikes me as creepy.

At the beginning, I would waste a lot of drafts every day, but I could always write something new, even though this new thing would still be deleted the next day.After the day my mother called, I often couldn’t write a hundred words. I turned on the computer and stared at the window for a whole day. I even counted the number of iron bars on the fences of the houses opposite. Clearly.

I could feel Chapenyi tripping me up.But this is invisible, just like when you hit a wall in the negotiation with the police at that time, you can't explain to others what it is like and where it is. It seems that everything is feasible, but if you settle down, there is no way to go.

One afternoon, it suddenly rained heavily, and the air was filled with the sour smell of dust. I closed the windows tightly, and the thin and bright raindrops cut the glass into cracks like needles.The sky was gray, with a stale yellow around the edges.Taking advantage of my unpreparedness, a nerve in my brain quietly dragged the word "Qu Nan" into the abyss of forgotten memory.

So after that rain, I started pretending nothing happened.

Life is still calm and stagnant.

An occasional gossip, a look, a silence—maybe it’s nothing to do with them, it’s just because the temperature under the sun is too high, my reason is slowly evaporating like water in a pond, although the change is hard to see inspect.

Even Mr. Meng who was by my side couldn't make me feel a little bit relieved, and sometimes it made my irritability worse.

He was so smart that every time I lied to him it made me feel like a bad buffoon.I know that he is the most innocent person among them, so I tried my best not to vent my anger on him, but the inscrutable words under the bloodshot brain were so fast that I had no time to cover them up, like a hateful child who smashed a glass window with a stone. Leave a glass scum all over the place.

Every time I didn't know how to end, I sat awkwardly where I was, and Mr. Meng touched my head as if forgiving a child, and continued to do what was interrupted by the quarrel.

I am grateful to him for his tolerance, but this forgiving love is like Sisyphus's big stone, rolling down from the top of the mountain in the twilight, and crushing me into powder.

Going to the school from the city center twice in three days was really tossing, and the matter of Qu Nan seemed to have calmed down. Mr. Meng asked my opinion, and after I agreed, we moved back together.

At night, I couldn't sleep as usual, and the ear on one side hurt so badly that I couldn't bear it and turned over slightly.However, this old-fashioned bed was much older than the ones in the downtown house, and when it moved a little, it let out an old moan.

The sound was not too loud, but because the room was too quiet, it was very clear and piercing. I was so scared that I held my breath for a while, and pointed my ears to listen to the movement of the people around me.There was no sound behind me. I just breathed a sigh of relief when I heard Mr. Meng ask softly, "Are you still asleep?"

I was so sorry, I barely lay flat so that I could turn my head to look at him: "Did you wake up?"

He turned to face me, and touched my neck with one hand: "Is it hot?"

"not hot."

"Why can't you sleep?"

"I...maybe I'm used to sleeping there, accept the bed."

"Don't sit still during the day, the dark circles under your eyes will hang up to your collarbone." He laughed himself first, and with a little force on his hands, I leaned half of my body on his pillow, and my hair rubbed against his face, " Do you still have a headache recently, or I will accompany you to register for an account tomorrow?"

"It doesn't hurt anymore." When I said this, countless needles pierced the blood vessels under my scalp desperately, punishing my lies.

He kissed my heart twice - I've long noticed that he seems to like furry things - then he found my ear and murmured a few gossiping words.It wasn't so much words as it was a string of tiny kisses, ending with two bites on the tip of my ear.

I turned my head and protested against his repeated admonitions. He chased after me on the pillow and continued to bite his ear openly: "Go to sleep. Or get up and do something."

Then we had a hard fight.

At eight o'clock in the evening, we are watching TV.The two of them huddled together on the sofa as if they had no bones, which was the normal state of being idle at night.The animal world was shown on TV, and the lioness was lying lazily in the grass, and the cubs were jumping up and down beside her. One of them knocked down one of its brothers, threw itself on its head and bit its ear, and its brother opened its mouth wide. , flicking its tail murderously.Mr. Meng was reading a magazine, I kicked him lightly.

"Look, just like you."

He was about to roll up the magazine and knock on my head when suddenly there was a quick knock on the door.

"Here." I agreed first, but I was still nestled on the sofa, "Who is it?"

"Who will come tonight?"

Mr. Meng threw the magazine into my arms and got up to open the door.I then leaned out half of my body and stretched my neck to look out.Mr. Meng opened the door, just blocking my sight, and then I clearly saw him startled.

My heart suddenly raised to the top.

Mr. Meng called "Aunt Li".

I almost scrambled and ran to the door. My mother was stepping in with one foot. When she saw me, the layers of frost on her face instantly cracked, the circles of her eyes were scarlet, and she was as hard as a metal bag. It hit me head and face like a whirlwind.

"He Yujun! If you don't make it clear today, I'll hack you to death!"