To my dear Mr. Meng

If you ask me what the worst thought in the world is, I'll say "if I'm given another chance".

When this idea tentatively sticks out from the depths of his mind, whether it is intentional or not, it means that the owner of this brain already knows that he has made a wrong choice, and this choice will cause endless troubles, and even make his life go on a slump without warning. To another unforeseen path.And the choice is the culprit - like a drunken switchman who causes a train accident.

That night, there were many empty wine bottles in front of Qu Nan and I, green and green like rotten water bubbling in a biochemical movie.She didn't drink much, most of the wine in the glass was spilled everywhere by the muscle spasms and fatigue caused by her long-term crying, sprayed some marks on the greasy down jacket, she didn't wipe it, and let it evaporate go.

Looking back on many things now, it is like a layer of rippling water waves, or looking at the asphalt road in the distance under the high temperature of [-] degrees in summer. I don’t know whether it is the memory of the brain that deceived you, or the whole world. All hallucinated.

When I read the text message on Qu Nan's phone screen, it seemed as if all the hair roots on the back of my head had been caressed tirelessly by a hand, which brought a slight sense of trembling.

"Do you think it's enough to get a diploma? Don't forget who gave you the job. If you want to keep you from getting along in this industry, I have plenty of ways."

"Are you really so busy? I'll call you back and ask Mr. Li. If you lie, you will bear the consequences."

"Why didn't you answer my call?"

"Come to my dormitory this afternoon."

"I'm downstairs in your unit, come down to have dinner with me."

The last time displayed was three months ago: "I miss you."

The sender shows "Cha Pengyi".

Qu Nan covered his face and let out a mournful sob: "...I really can't help it...he keeps looking for me..."

I felt like I was pinched by the monster's throat: "He—you—"

Boss Zha to Qu Nan... Is this possible?

I must be dreaming.

I stared at her in a daze, she suddenly leaned forward, grabbed my hand holding her mobile phone, and the wine bottles on the table jingled together: "I didn't lie to you, I didn't lie to you! He is a beast! You Believe me, please believe me..."

It was like the sound of metal pieces rubbing back and forth on the glass, and the eyes were swollen as if two shallow holes of uneven size were pierced on the foam surface with scissors.My eyes were full of this ugly face that was wrinkled and red with tears, and I asked, "...when did it start?"

"Research three...research two." I handed over two pieces of paper, she wiped her face in a mess, the paper scraps flew everywhere, and pulled out a few crumpled pieces of paper from her bag, "I dare not tell people, After finally graduating, he promised not to call me again, but after a while...I really couldn't bear it anymore, he would change many numbers to call me, he said he knew a lot of people, and I asked for a long sick leave , he told my leader, I really don’t know who to tell... Please believe me, I know you are a good person, I really didn’t lie to you.”

Those papers are medical certificates from the Fourth People's Hospital.

The patient was identified as having moderate depressive tendencies, post-traumatic stress disorder, with suicidal tendencies and hallucinations.

The boss sitting in the corner counting the money frequently shot curious eyes, I reached out to touch the wallet: "Sister, let's go."

"No, no, please, listen to me, listen to me!"

She grabbed my cuff tightly, and I motioned to the boss to settle the score: "I won't leave, let's change places."

She finally calmed down, sobbing uncontrollably, bones and muscles rubbed against each other making strange creaking noises.

This evening was a complete absurd hallucination for me.

I remember that Qu Nan liked to hang around Cha Pengyi very much at the beginning. Every time I asked her for something, she would say "I'm in Teacher Cha's office" or "I'm in which classroom in the teaching building to ask Teacher Cha questions".Her roommate with another mentor always scoffed unabashedly when talking about her, and told me not to get so close to Qu Nan.

"She is very scheming. One day you will be betrayed by her and you won't know what's going on! Isn't it just to win the tutor's favor? Your other seniors and sisters who follow Boss Cha are bothering her. I think she can't wait to tie her up." Check on your boss."

Since when did Qu Nan not want to go to see his tutor with a notebook with many questions and references in it?I can't remember.I just remember that she always asked me to accompany me to see Cha Pengyi. At that time, I knew what she was thinking about me, and thought she was an excuse to get along with me. I rejoiced because of my promise, but I couldn't help feeling condescending contempt and disgust of being played by others.

Sometimes she entangles her so tightly that even Mr. Meng, who is never jealous over such trivial matters, asks intentionally or unintentionally: "That senior sister of yours likes to find you so much?"

I suddenly felt annoyed, and told her, Senior Sister, I am not convenient now, we will meet again on the weekend.

She came to me again on weekends and said to wait outside the cafeteria or the dormitory building, but I was not at school at that time, so I apologized to her hypocritically, saying that I am sorry, senior sister, I have other arrangements, and I can’t go, so you can go by yourself.

Immediately afterwards, I felt a pleasure similar to the success of revenge.

Maybe on a certain day when I was intentionally absent, Qu Nan walked alone through the quiet corridor and walked into Cha Pengyi's office, watching him sitting in a chair with dignity, his ears filled with insulting and contemptuous words.

But I didn't ask her from the beginning to the end, and she didn't mention it, which made my conscience survive.

Qu Nan said that they often had dinner together. Cha Pengyi asked her about her family, her parents' jobs, and her financial situation. After learning that her family was in a difficult situation, he expressed his sympathy and offered her a part-time job so that she could work quickly. Paid off undergraduate loans.My parents were also very happy when they found out, saying that it is indeed a good school, and your teacher is so kind, I must thank you very much.Do more other jobs, graduate early, and save money to buy a house for your younger brother, so as to reduce the burden on the family.

During that time, when she thought of Cha Pengyi, she would cry gratefully.Since she was a child, she has been her elder sister, and no one has ever cared for her so much.

Zha Pengyi is academically rigorous, but he is very funny in private. He loves to joke with the female students under his command, and it is commonplace to pinch his face and touch his shoulders.At first she felt uncomfortable, but once she avoided it subconsciously, Cha Pengyi's face immediately became ugly, and she turned around and left. She was so ashamed of this, she didn't close her eyes all night, and apologized to him in the office the next day , Zha Pengyi said sarcastically, she was so uncomfortable that she burst into tears.

Zha Pengyi's expression changed immediately, and he let her sit on the small sofa, poured a glass of water himself, and wiped her tears with his arms around her shoulders, saying that he had stayed in the United States for a long time, so he didn't pay much attention to this aspect, Maybe her thinking is more traditional and unacceptable.Cha Pengyi said that this is not a big deal, she should get used to it slowly, this is something that she will have to face in the society in the future.

Qu Nan said, thank you Teacher Cha.

So Cha Pengyi took her with him wherever he went, saying that she was my favorite student.

When the male students heard this, they all showed meaningful smiles.

But she is still not used to Zha Pengyi's "foreign etiquette". Every time he brushes her hair and holds her shoulders, she clenches her teeth tighter than a stone, and there are bloody red nail marks on her palms.

I don't think it's right, but I dare not say it.I don't know what position I have to accuse him, Qu Nan said, I am just his student, but he is a respected teacher.

I feel that I am ignorant, and I am making a fuss.she says.

This torment lasted until the end of the last semester of the third year of research, when Zha Pengyi took her to a meeting.

She talked excitedly along the way, and her notebook was full of new papers published by various professional researchers at the conference.Cha Pengyi got impatient and interrupted her, saying that there would be many such opportunities in the future.Then he stopped the car steadily, put his hand on her knee, and stroked upwards slowly and forcefully, as seriously as he usually explained the research topic.

She nearly jumped out of the car in horror.

Zha Pengyi's face darkened, and he said that I have all kinds of friends, you can go ahead and sue, I don't even need to use my brains to punish you.Do you still want a diploma and degree?Go back to your hometown and farm with your parents.

She begged him bitterly.

Zha Pengyi drove her out of the car, and just said whatever you want.

In the second week, the notice said that everyone was going to the conference room for a meeting. She sat in the conference room without looking up.When the meeting ended, she found that she hadn't heard a word about her thesis schedule, so she asked, "Mr. Cha, the paper I sent you last week..."

Zha Pengyi didn't look at her directly, and said, you are so arrogant, just stuff it in my mailbox and it's over?I'm free after seven o'clock in the evening. You can come here with your papers. If you don't come, forget it.

She felt that she had never been so awake. When she was standing outside the office, the cold wind came in from the entire corridor.

Qu Nan's phone rang suddenly, breaking the silence between us.

The ringtone sounded like a saw was cutting her ear, she bit her lower lip until it turned white, and took out the phone, and with just one glance, I could clearly see the muscles on her face twitching.The caller ID on the screen has no name, just a string of mobile phone numbers.

"It's him!"

Qu Nan screamed, and the phone fell to the ground, vibrating and ringing, and the black phone squirmed on the ground like a living thing.I was horrified by her cry, so I leaned over to pick it up, but she snatched it suddenly, her eyes widened to the limit, and the corners of the red eyes seemed to be splitting in the next moment: "Here."

She pressed the green call button.

A man's "Hello" came from the phone, I held my breath, the other end was silent for a while, and then it rang again: "You finally answered my call? Hello? Hello?"

The familiar voice made my blood run cold.

Qu Nan hung up the phone, and the number called again. She pressed the switch to turn off the phone, and even pulled out the battery of the phone and threw it into her bag.

"He's a beast," she said.

Qu Nan is different from me. She really likes this major, and she is serious in class like a high school student. I borrowed her notes and books, and the dense annotations made me feel ashamed.Qu Nan said that she wanted to work in a publishing house, so she could write some manuscripts in her free time, and she could be considered a half-freelance writer.

When she said this, she was taken aback for a moment, and then smiled embarrassedly, probably because she accidentally slipped her mouth, and she was afraid that talking about it would make me feel abrupt.

She also said that she had to earn money first, and the family had to pay off the debts and buy a house for her younger brother. Her parents expected her to start a family early and wanted her to find a local and not go too far away.As she spoke, she curled her lips lightly, and said that I don't like people in our small place. There are very few people who have completed undergraduate studies, and I am afraid that my parents will nudge me, so I might as well talk about it in Zhengda University and take it home. .

In fact, I lost my mind in the middle of her speech, only heard the last tail, nodded and said it was good, she glanced at me, and giggled secretly beside me.I asked you what made you happy, and she said nothing, it was fun chatting with you.

When I thought of all this, the tears in Qu Nan's eyes were reflected coldly by the street lamps.

It was past twelve o'clock at night, and she couldn't speak clearly anymore, her throat quivered, and she murmured sorry, it was too late, sorry.

My hands were stinging from the cold in the air, so I could only say in vain, don't cry, Senior Sister.

She asked, will you help me?Please, the leader said that if I don't go to work, I will be fired.I dare not go home.

My mind was in a mess, but I just couldn't easily say a word of yes.

I wrote it all here.She rummaged through her bag frantically, took out a thin notebook with wrinkled corners, and stuffed it into my arms, look, look, he is a rapist, damn him, let's sue him together.

The hard edge of the book made the back of my hand hurt, I refused to take it, and pushed it back into her hand, no need, senior sister, I know it all, you can take it.

She seemed to have been slapped loudly, holding the notebook that was almost folded in half, looked at me for a while, and asked softly, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I'm not forcing you.

I know, I said.Sister, you are a good person.

She shed tears in a daze.Thank you, I know you are very kind, you are really kind.Thank you.

This gaze was like a skinning knife. I didn't dare to look at her, so I could only say, it's too late, Senior Sister, I'll take you back.

She shook her head desperately and wiped her face with her sleeve.It's too late, I'll go back by myself, you should go to bed early.Sorry to delay you, did I annoy you?sorry.

I sent her to a hotel near the school. She kept saying thank you and sorry, and the front desk couldn't stop laughing at the funny scene.

Walking out of the hotel, the cold wind blows people almost unconscious.There is no text message or phone call on the mobile phone, and it is quiet.

I'm going home the day after tomorrow, my luggage hasn't been packed yet; my thesis hasn't been revised yet, Boss Cha...

Cha Pengyi.

I let out a deep breath, and the thick white mist dissipated in the night sky.

——what can I do?

Wait, wait a few more months, and I will graduate.

There was no moon in the night, and I suddenly wanted to smoke.