Spring Summer Autumn Winter

Yang Siyuan lay on the sofa, watching the man who was still groaning under him put on his clothes two or three times, then brushed his hair, tore off a tissue and wiped off his lipstick. After 2 minutes, he turned into a handsome and delicate boy.

"I don't know who you are yet." Yang Siyuan sat up and said.

The boy bent over, put his hands on his shoulders and said, "I am whoever you like."

How could Yang Siyuan think of such an answer? He was at a loss for words for a while, unable to catch up.

The young man was amused by his appearance, and kissed his lips like a dragonfly, then said goodbye and left.

The sound insulation of the room is very good, Yang Siyuan sat alone in the room, surrounded by silence, no loud music.

This has the disadvantage that there are no other voices to crowd out the words just now.

Who do I like, who are you?

No, you are not, and no one else can be.He is what he is, and none of you can replace him.Yang Siyuan thought.

This is so ridiculous, before he went to bed, he was still wondering if "replacement" was the only way, and it didn't take long before he slapped himself in the face.

What to forget, what to replace, what to change to my favorite...

He was very irritable and scratched his hair vigorously, but a second before he looked up, he suddenly couldn't move.

He didn't pay attention to it just now, but now he realizes that he hasn't cleaned it up yet, and there are still some of their ** on the pants, some of which have dried up, leaving white marks, and some are still slowly flowing along the lines of the pants.

This is really... This is really... He doesn't know how to express it, he just feels like there is a knife in his body, constantly gouging out his heart piece by piece.

He said that he liked Li Yu'an, he said that no one could replace Li Yu'an, but just now he had sex with someone else with his love for Li Yu'an, and this affair also brought him physical comfort.

What the hell did I do... Fucking...

Gradually, his eyes became red and tears blurred his vision.He lost control, and frantically wiped the liquid with the paper towel that was pulled aside, but he couldn't wipe off the traces that had fallen, and those traces lingered on it, as if silently mocking him and mocking him.

"I'm sorry, I was wrong... Li Yu'an... I'm sorry..." Tears fell, and he knelt on the ground like a child who did something wrong, wiping his pants vigorously while apologizing non-stop.

The tissues had been thrown all over the floor, his fingers turned red due to excessive force, and a burning pain climbed up along the veins, but he still wiped and rubbed with all his strength, as if the next second I'm going to tear my pants up.

He felt that he couldn't wipe it clean, he couldn't wipe it clean...

When Xu Linshuang found him, he was slumped on the ground with empty eyes, tears all over his face, and he was still muttering something.

……

On the day of returning home, it rained again. Xu Linshuang went to the station to see him off. They stood at the station entrance, people passing by them, and at a glance, they were all students returning home.

"I went to the security check, you go back first." Yang Siyuan said.

"Hmm... hey." Xu Linshuang responded, but the moment Yang Siyuan turned around, he stopped him again.

"what happened?"

Xu Linshuang hesitated for a while and said: "I have been afraid of what happened to you in the bar that day for the past two days... But it should not be a happy thing. I took you to the bar. I wanted to make you happy. I didn’t expect it to backfire, and I’m really sorry.”

In the noisy rain, Xu Linshuang's gentle voice was almost swallowed up.After listening to his words, Yang Siyuan was silent for a few seconds, then smiled, shook his head and said, "It's okay, you're right, it's my own problem. Let's go first, and you should go back early."

After speaking, he turned around to leave, but Xu Linshuang asked loudly from behind: "Then, have you thought it through?"

Yang Siyuan stopped moving, raised his head slowly, gritted his teeth to suppress his emotions, then nodded heavily, waved his hands as farewell, and walked into the station without looking back.

Have you thought it through?

Think clearly.I like him, I can't forget him, I'm sorry for him.

He suddenly felt that since the day he came back from the bar, he seemed to have died.

……

After returning home, he made a long list for himself, reading, driving test, running, cooking...everything, and the arrangement was messy.But he doesn't care about the chaos, he just wants to find something for himself to do.If he was allowed to relax, he would think of Li Yu'an and what he had done.Then he might really go crazy.

At the beginning of August, Chen Limei took him to a dinner party. She said that it seemed to be a gathering of friends, and many people brought their children, so she also dragged him over.

The table was full of strangers, and after Chen Limei introduced them one by one, he still couldn't remember them, so he had to eat food in silence, occasionally answering a few words.

Halfway through eating, he finally couldn't bear it anymore, and slipped to the corner of the stairs as an excuse to go to the toilet.

"Huh? You can't stand it anymore?" Suddenly, a girl came down from upstairs, and she asked with a smile when she saw him in the corner.

"Ah, hello."

This girl was also at that dinner, and she must have come out to breathe like him. He wanted to say hello, but he couldn't remember her name. He only remembered that she seemed to be an editor.

Fortunately, the girl didn't care, walked up to him and said, "You are Aunt Chen's child, right? I seem to remember, you are... a student of finance, right?"

Yang Siyuan nodded.

"Coincidentally, I also studied finance when I was in college." The girl said.

"Finance? Oh...I misremembered, I thought you were an editor."

The girl smiled and said, "That's right, I'm an editor."

Yang Siyuan asked suspiciously, "But didn't you study finance?"

"That's right, but just because I studied finance doesn't mean I'm just going to do it. I like watching movies and editing videos, so I became an editor."

Yang Siyuan still didn't understand: "But... how can you do this job if you haven't studied it?"

The girl blinked, then covered her mouth and smiled.

What is she laughing at?Am I asking the wrong question?

The girl laughed for a while and said, "If you haven't studied it before, learn it yourself... I hate finance very much, so I taught myself a lot in college, and I became an editor directly after graduation."

Yang Siyuan was a little surprised: "Self-study... self-study is also okay?"

He didn't know about employment. Since he was a child, Chen Limei had instilled in him the idea of ​​learning what to do, which led him to always think that as long as he chooses this major, then he must do this job.This is also one of the reasons why he always wanted to enter the Academy of Fine Arts, and why he gave up painting when he went to college.

"Of course it can. I think people, in this life, just like falling in love with the person you like, you should also have the same attitude towards career. Do what you like. Right?"

Do what you love, and be with the people you love.Yang Siyuan did neither of these two things.

"Hurry up and go back, you should dislike us for coming out for too long later."

Yang Siyuan was still in a daze, thinking about what she said, before he could fully digest it, he was dragged back to the private room.

As soon as he entered, he saw a man beckoning to him, then handed him a box and said, "Hey, are you back? Come on, Siyuan, this is a gift prepared by your uncle. You must keep it carefully. ah."

Who is this person?Yang Siyuan couldn't remember.What about gifts?Yang Siyuan glanced at Chen Limei quietly, seeing Chen Limei nodding at him, he bowed to thank that person, and took the gift.

"Open it quickly." The man urged him to open the gift.

Yang Siyuan sat beside Chen Limei and opened the box.

An Apple LOGO was printed on the box, and there was a black mobile phone lying inside. Unlike the Nokia he had used, this mobile phone did not have a keyboard, and seemed to be a full-screen touch screen.

He picked up his cell phone, and the whole room started booing.

"Great! Why don't you give it to our children?"

"How can you compare to Li Mei, hahaha..."

Yang Siyuan hated this kind of occasion the most, he couldn't help frowning, and put the phone back.

The man waved his hand and said, "College students, you should use a good mobile phone, see if you like it?"

"This... This is too precious." Before Yang Siyuan could speak, Chen Limei said first.

The man waved his hand: "I have no children, and I don't know who to spend the money on. This kid Siyuan is so sensible, so I just want to give him something!"

"No child, isn't this going to happen soon?"

"That's right, it's ready-made, isn't it hahaha!"

It started again, and Yang Siyuan's brain ached when he heard it, and he just wanted to leave here as soon as possible.

As a result, the dinner didn't end until after nine o'clock in the evening, his head was about to explode, and he wished he could fly home immediately, but Chen Limei insisted that he wanted to clear up his food, and dragged him slowly on the road.

"Do you like the phone?" Chen Limei asked.

"...Why did you really ask me to accept it? It's too precious." Yang Siyuan said, hesitating for a while and then said: "What do those people mean when they make a fuss? Does he want to marry you?"

Chen Limei knew that her child was smart, but she didn't expect him to ask the question so directly. She was stunned and asked, "If I want to say 'yes', can you accept it?"

Can you accept it?

Yes, why not.

What does it matter to me who you marry, can I still care about it?

Yang Siyuan thought so in his heart, but said: "If he is a good person, then I can accept it. But why didn't you mention it to me?"

"I'm not afraid that you won't be able to accept it."

"I don't care, as long as you think it's appropriate." Yang Siyuan said.

Perhaps it was because he was too frank, Chen Limei didn't know how to answer the conversation for a while, so she had to stay silent with him, and walked home like this.

Before going to sleep, Chen Limei said to him again: "Did you say that you wanted to travel to the grasslands, bring this phone with you when you go, and take some good photos when you come back."

Yang Siyuan nodded and said "good night".

It was late at night, and he was lying on the bed tossing and turning. Chen Limei's remarriage really didn't affect him at all. He really didn't care who his future father was. Anyway, no matter who it was, he wouldn't hit him or yell at him like Yang Jianxin. As for whether the new father will also cheat, he doesn't care even more.

Now that he has admitted that he is a ruthless white-eyed wolf, then he won't feel entangled because of it, it's the adult's business, what to do with love.

There is only one thing on his mind right now—his future.

The scene of the girl talking to him is still in his mind, and a voice in his heart keeps asking himself, can he do what he wants to do like her?Do you dare to spend four years in college to learn other things?

This is really a very realistic and difficult question. Before answering, he must consider the consequences of the answer, and he may not be able to bear those consequences.

This time, he can't sleep at night worrying about his future.

……

During the two days when Li Yuan was thinking about it, Brother Ling acted the same as usual, and it was completely impossible to see that he had any "like" intentions for Li Yuan.Li Yu'an sometimes thought that if he rejected him, then he could really just turn around and forget about it as he said, as if he had never liked him.

Li Yu'an thought a lot, but he still didn't have a suitable answer. Whenever he wanted to refuse, he was defeated by the loneliness all day and all night.

He gradually knew how to describe his state.

His heart was originally sealed, and then Yang Siyuan came and broke a corner of that heart, and the sunlight outside shone in, bringing him warmth.At the same time, the blood in his heart continued to flow out from that gap, trying to get close to that warmth.

But then Yang Siyuan left with the sunshine, and the warmth was gone.It didn't matter at all, because he had already adapted to the darkness and the cold, as long as he retracted again.But now there was a gap in his heart, and that gap couldn't be closed. The blood was still bleeding, but he couldn't find a warm place.

Because of Yang Siyuan, instead of becoming stronger, he became more and more fragile.

From the moment he began to fear being alone, he knew that one day he would be vulnerable.

That day seems to be coming.

……

It rained the night he responded. He had been working in the bar all day, and he was very tired when he got off work in the middle of the night. As soon as he went out, he was caught off guard by the rain.

Before he could react, Brother Ling came out with an umbrella to shield him from the cold rain.

"It's raining so hard, I'll take you back." Brother Ling said.

Li Yu'an didn't want to hang him anymore, and felt that he should reply tonight no matter what, so he nodded and went home with him.

As soon as the door was closed, Brother Ling threw down his umbrella, leaned him against the wall, and asked softly, "Have you considered it?"

The lights in the room hadn't been turned on yet, and it was pitch black. His hearing became more sensitive at this moment. Every word Lingge said echoed in his mind, eagerly looking for the answer.

Long-term suffering and torture have already made him despair, whether it is to cheer up or give up on himself, in a word, he has already let himself go, he wants to say, maybe we can be together for a while, the premise is that we You can guarantee that you are not really tempted.

But as soon as he opened his mouth, he felt a pair of hands around his waist. Suddenly, the conditioned resistance made him suddenly tense. He pushed Brother Ling away, and then gasped for breath.

His mind was disconnected from his body.

He doesn't resist Brother Ling mentally, and even hopes that they can keep each other warm, but his body doesn't allow it. Except for Yang Siyuan, he still can't accept other people's touch.

Perhaps the body is more honest than the heart?

After a while, with a "click", the lights finally came on in the room.

Brother Ling leaned against the opposite wall and said, "Sorry, I was abrupt."

"I'm sorry." Li Yuan said holding his breath.

Brother Ling smiled and said, "Okay, I'm sorry, just sit down and have a rest."

Li Yu'an didn't dare to look at him, nodded, walked into the room, and sat face to face with him on both sides of the small table.

Brother Ling tapped on the table lightly, motioning him to look up.

"From the second I finished speaking, we are still the relationship between the boss and the employees, and we are still ordinary friends. I just have a good impression of you, not to the point where we have to be together, don't worry about it. Don’t feel uncomfortable seeing me in the future, I really forget it when I say it.”

"...You're not really tempted, are you?" Li Yu'an raised his head and asked.

Brother Ling rubbed his nose and said with a smile: "I told you, don't think I'm a scumbag. I'm used to falling in love, and I'll leave as soon as I say it. If you want to ask me if I'm not in the mood...I don't know myself. Clearly, anyway, when I look at you now, I already feel that you are just my employee and friend."

Seeing that he didn't seem to be lying, Li Yu'an felt relieved and said "I'm sorry".

"Oh, I'm sorry, can you stop talking about it." Brother Ling said, "Hey, can't you let go of that Yang?"

Li Yu'an remained silent and did not answer.

"I remember that he seems to like you too, right? Why do you say it's impossible for you two to be together?"

Li Yu'an thought for a while and said, "The difference between cloud and mud."

"Yun... Oh, I probably understand what it means, you think you are not good enough for him, don't you?"

Li Yu'an still didn't answer, but his attitude was clearly his acquiescence.

"Then have you confessed your love to him?" Brother Ling asked.

Confession, what a joke.Li Yuan shook his head.

Brother Ling hissed, rubbed his chin and said, "That's too awkward... You two like each other, and the result is almost like a secret love, and the reason you broke up is because you think you are not good enough... But he likes you , he won't think you are unworthy. Has he looked for you?"

Chen Miao said that Yang Siyuan has been looking for him since he left, and he also met Yang Siyuan when he went back that time.

He thought for a moment, then nodded.

"Then this is too embarrassing... You must be very uncomfortable after you separated, then have you ever thought that he will suffer as much as you? Will he not let you go too?" Brother Ling said.

Li Yu'an couldn't even believe that Yang Siyuan liked him, so why would he think about these things.

But what Brother Ling said seemed to make sense.

Although he hadn't seen Yang Siyuan for a long time, he still remembered the scene when he saw Yang Siyuan at the alley last summer. He was so haggard and fragile at that time, not at all like the Yang Siyuan he once knew.

He couldn't lie to himself, he knew why Yang Siyuan became like that.

The culprit of everything is myself.

But I just walked away, shrinking in this small space, living on my own, avoiding the whole world.

Really selfish and indifferent.

He didn't know how to answer Brother Ling, so he remained silent.

"I've always felt that...if you haven't tried, you shouldn't give up." Brother Ling said again.

what to tryThe difference between cloud and mud, not to mention whether you can touch it, even if you touch it, the mud will dirty the cloud.

Li Yu'an smiled wryly: "No... I can't do it."

Hearing what he said, Brother Ling sighed and said, "It seems impossible for you to take the initiative... Then are you willing to wait for him to come to you? If he likes you, then he will definitely try his best to come to you .”

Li Yu'an raised his eyes slowly, met Shang Ling's gaze, but saw Ling nodded slightly, as if to let him accept this idea in his heart.

Do you want to wait?Will he come back for himself?

Wait a minute...it seems like nothing, right?Anyway, I can waste my time at will, after all, there is nothing to cherish in these boring days.

So... try to wait?

Brother Ling's words made him try to find a way to fill the gap in his heart. Since he has been tortured for so long, it seems that it is not a bad idea to replace this torture with waiting.

He tossed and turned, struggling constantly in his heart, until it was almost dawn, he suddenly remembered the two little people in that painting.

He wanted to cuddle up like Yang Siyuan.

So... just wait.

When the first ray of sunlight pierced the sky, he finally made his decision.

……

Later, when he was at work, Brother Ling was as usual again, and they returned to their previous relationship overnight.What's important is that it's not that the two of them are trying their best to pretend, but that they really forgot about that part automatically. Even after less than two months, Brother Ling made a very beautiful girlfriend, who showed off in the store every day. love.

Li Yu'an was sincerely happy for him, and also sincerely admired his character, but envy was nothing but envy, and he probably would never be able to do it in his life.

Since this summer, his life has quietly changed. He began to wait for Yang Siyuan, even though he didn’t have the slightest hope for the result of this waiting, even though he occasionally felt that he was really hypocritical very much.

But it would at least bring a little light into his life, even if it was a very faint light.

In front of the light, he can give up everything.